Enough of disrespect...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Enough of disrespect...
I completely blew at my youngest daughter yesterday. It was a culmination of many things, and my eyes had opened to the fact that she doesn't appreciate what I do for her, nor does she have any respect for my property that she has borrowed or used.
She had asked me the day before if I could watch the 3 youngest ones she watches (the other two are school age) while she got her hair done. I've never said no when she's asked for a favor like that as I enjoy the children, especially the 9-month-old who is bubbly and smiles for me all the time. I call him Smiling Max.
I don't think it's ever been for more than an hour or two to watch them.
Yesterday I asked her before she left if she had an estimate of how long it would take, and she said she had no idea, and when I asked what she was having done so I could estimate, she only said it was a surprise.
I started calling two hours after she had left as little Max had woken up a few times but went back to sleep (all 3 were napping), and I had no idea how long he was supposed to sleep. I called her cellphone time and time again, with no answer.
I was fit to be tied after 3 hours, and had my AD call down to the salon and see if they could tell her how much longer Amber would be there. They said 15 minutes.
As soon as she walked in, I told her it would've been nice to hear from her at some point with an estimate of time, and that I had had a question about Max.
I got the "I'm sorry, but I left my cellphone in the truck and didn't know it was going to take that long." I walked out without saying another word and came home.
Later in the day I went over to get my weed eater she had borrowed, and my good heavy duty extension cord she had used over the winter to plug in her diesel truck at night. I had the trunk of the car open to put the weed eater in, and was looking in the garage for my extension cord when she pulled up. She gets out and proceeds to tell me the weed eater doesn't work (she had left it outside in all kinds of weather, and it's an electric.
That was the coup de grace. My lawn mower is sitting for two years now needing repairs from where one of her dogs chewed cords, wires, and the spark plug cover. She's been mowing my lawn in the summers because she never seems to have the money to repair mine.
I was angry and said first my mower, and now the weed eater, which I don't have the money to buy another one. Once again I got the "I'm sorry, but it was really old any way and you need a new one."
It just degenerated from there. Communication becomes complete rage on her end to try and back me off from trying to tell her that she needs to be responsible for my things that have been ruined. She threw in my face that she pays for my cellphone, which is her choice. She had originally put her EXABF on her plan, and paid his portion of the bill for almost two years. She was stuck with the second line when he got his own phone/different provider, didn't have the money to break the contract on the second line, so she gave it to me. I repeatedly told her I could not afford a cellphone bill as it was/is more than what I pay for my land line AND the highest speed available on my DSL. She said she would take care of it. She chose to renew the contract on both lines in November.
She came over to my house later (I thought she was picking up her laundry detergent from the basement) and was livid to discover she had the audacity to start a load of laundry and left. She has no washer/dryer and I have allowed her the convenience of doing laundry at my house (I just live 2 blocks from her) for the past two years.
I threw the laundry back in the basket as soon as it was washed, put her dryer sheets/detergent in there too, and took it over to her house. I am done being taken for granted. Oh, and I also boxed up the cellphone and charger and took it back.
She was gone but pulled up just as I was ready to get in my car (just my luck), got out and realized I had just delivered her wet laundry back to her, started screaming and flung the basket and wet clothes all over her front yard.
She opened up my passenger door before I had put the car in reverse, was screaming at me that she had no clean clothes for the next day, that I was ungrateful, yada yada yada. I looked at her and without screaming back (which was extremely difficult), I informed her she could find someone else to take care of her four dogs at noon, including potty break, feeding, another potty break, and spending about 45 minutes just playing with them. That's something I would charge a petsitting client $20 for, and I was doing that 5 days a week while she's babysitting.
So the rage increased exponentially on her end, and I repeated several times to shut my passenger door as I was done and leaving. Her final response was to slam my door as hard as she could, back up her truck, pull her truck back up, and slam a large convenience store drink on the back of my car as hard as she could.
She is no longer welcome in my home, nor will I lift a finger to help her in any way until she learns some respect for me, which I realize may never happen. It is what it is.
This isn't the way I raised her, but obviously at some point I have taught her how to treat me by not having the right boundaries or something. I need to take a long look and see where I have faltered in my own program of recovery.
I do miss the cellphone, but I lived without one for almost 53 years.
It's painful to be alienated from her, but it was more painful to be a doormat.
She had asked me the day before if I could watch the 3 youngest ones she watches (the other two are school age) while she got her hair done. I've never said no when she's asked for a favor like that as I enjoy the children, especially the 9-month-old who is bubbly and smiles for me all the time. I call him Smiling Max.
I don't think it's ever been for more than an hour or two to watch them.Yesterday I asked her before she left if she had an estimate of how long it would take, and she said she had no idea, and when I asked what she was having done so I could estimate, she only said it was a surprise.
I started calling two hours after she had left as little Max had woken up a few times but went back to sleep (all 3 were napping), and I had no idea how long he was supposed to sleep. I called her cellphone time and time again, with no answer.
I was fit to be tied after 3 hours, and had my AD call down to the salon and see if they could tell her how much longer Amber would be there. They said 15 minutes.
As soon as she walked in, I told her it would've been nice to hear from her at some point with an estimate of time, and that I had had a question about Max.
I got the "I'm sorry, but I left my cellphone in the truck and didn't know it was going to take that long." I walked out without saying another word and came home.
Later in the day I went over to get my weed eater she had borrowed, and my good heavy duty extension cord she had used over the winter to plug in her diesel truck at night. I had the trunk of the car open to put the weed eater in, and was looking in the garage for my extension cord when she pulled up. She gets out and proceeds to tell me the weed eater doesn't work (she had left it outside in all kinds of weather, and it's an electric.
That was the coup de grace. My lawn mower is sitting for two years now needing repairs from where one of her dogs chewed cords, wires, and the spark plug cover. She's been mowing my lawn in the summers because she never seems to have the money to repair mine.
I was angry and said first my mower, and now the weed eater, which I don't have the money to buy another one. Once again I got the "I'm sorry, but it was really old any way and you need a new one."
It just degenerated from there. Communication becomes complete rage on her end to try and back me off from trying to tell her that she needs to be responsible for my things that have been ruined. She threw in my face that she pays for my cellphone, which is her choice. She had originally put her EXABF on her plan, and paid his portion of the bill for almost two years. She was stuck with the second line when he got his own phone/different provider, didn't have the money to break the contract on the second line, so she gave it to me. I repeatedly told her I could not afford a cellphone bill as it was/is more than what I pay for my land line AND the highest speed available on my DSL. She said she would take care of it. She chose to renew the contract on both lines in November.
She came over to my house later (I thought she was picking up her laundry detergent from the basement) and was livid to discover she had the audacity to start a load of laundry and left. She has no washer/dryer and I have allowed her the convenience of doing laundry at my house (I just live 2 blocks from her) for the past two years.
I threw the laundry back in the basket as soon as it was washed, put her dryer sheets/detergent in there too, and took it over to her house. I am done being taken for granted. Oh, and I also boxed up the cellphone and charger and took it back.
She was gone but pulled up just as I was ready to get in my car (just my luck), got out and realized I had just delivered her wet laundry back to her, started screaming and flung the basket and wet clothes all over her front yard.
She opened up my passenger door before I had put the car in reverse, was screaming at me that she had no clean clothes for the next day, that I was ungrateful, yada yada yada. I looked at her and without screaming back (which was extremely difficult), I informed her she could find someone else to take care of her four dogs at noon, including potty break, feeding, another potty break, and spending about 45 minutes just playing with them. That's something I would charge a petsitting client $20 for, and I was doing that 5 days a week while she's babysitting.
So the rage increased exponentially on her end, and I repeated several times to shut my passenger door as I was done and leaving. Her final response was to slam my door as hard as she could, back up her truck, pull her truck back up, and slam a large convenience store drink on the back of my car as hard as she could.
She is no longer welcome in my home, nor will I lift a finger to help her in any way until she learns some respect for me, which I realize may never happen. It is what it is.
This isn't the way I raised her, but obviously at some point I have taught her how to treat me by not having the right boundaries or something. I need to take a long look and see where I have faltered in my own program of recovery.
I do miss the cellphone, but I lived without one for almost 53 years.
It's painful to be alienated from her, but it was more painful to be a doormat.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,864
Oh geez...they sure can be little witches, can't they? I have one too that is extremely ungrateful sometimes. What I've done when we have an altercation like that is just take some time away from her. No contact at all for a while. It's usually no more than a couple of days before she's being all sweet again, but I, too, have decided that I am no longer going to go out of my way to be helpful to mine.
Mine told me how inconsiderate I was to buy a set of sheets for her (she had ONE set) without checking on what color she would like. I'm like...really?? It turned into a huge fiasco and I was shocked that she acted the way she did.
Oh well, as far as I'm concerned, she can sleep on a bare matress from now on. I'll never buy anything for her just for the sake of buying something I know she needs. Pfffttt...
Mine told me how inconsiderate I was to buy a set of sheets for her (she had ONE set) without checking on what color she would like. I'm like...really?? It turned into a huge fiasco and I was shocked that she acted the way she did.
Oh well, as far as I'm concerned, she can sleep on a bare matress from now on. I'll never buy anything for her just for the sake of buying something I know she needs. Pfffttt...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 
This isn't the way I raised her, but obviously at some point I have taught her how to treat me by not having the right boundaries or something.
I had to give my daughter the boot last week. She was here for three weeks, between apartments. She had a temper tantrum and it was definitely not her first one. For the first time ever, I didn't get angry, didn't take it personally, didn't raise my voice, didn't argue or debate, and didn't wait to say get out. I treated her the way I would want and need to be treated. When she wouldn't shut up and get out, I said that's it, I'm calling 911 and she knew I meant it. When I turned to get the phone, she hauled ass.
She had no friend's couch to surf on that night, so she called her brother. He told her he didn't want to hear about it, said here's the couch, shut up and go to sleep. She texted me the next day, asked if she could come back. I said only if she accepted this is the way it is now, and made living amends. If she couldn't, then stay away.
I didn't mention anything after she came back, and thank goodness it was only for a couple more nights. It was like I hit a restart button, not a reset or do over. She was scarce, and her demeanor towards me was and is different now, because I changed my demeanor towards her and myself.
Anyway, the same thought ran through my head and I knew it to be 100% true for me -- I taught her to treat me that way, but not any more.
I changed the dynamic for all the right reasons, and so did you. At the same it sucked, it felt so good.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I grew up with a bit of a temper, I think it went with my red hair. I short-fused too often I think looking back and certainly wasn't the calm person I am today. The thing is, my mother didn't tolerate it either, not once. She made it clear that if I lived in her home, I would respect everyone there just as she expected them to respect me. I am grateful that I "got it" then, before I tempered myself into more problems.
DeVon, I'm sorry your daughter was so disrespectful, but I think she will learn from this. Next time you both know better and will do better, that's how it works I think.
Hugs to all the mamas with ungrateful babies.
DeVon, I'm sorry your daughter was so disrespectful, but I think she will learn from this. Next time you both know better and will do better, that's how it works I think.
Hugs to all the mamas with ungrateful babies.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
For what it's worth freedom, my son called me a cold hearted bi*** on Saturday, when I didn't react the way he expected me to.
He seems to be struggling with my new attitude of making sure I think of me and my feelings in the whole equation. I must be doing something right lol.
I have NO patience for disrespect of my things. I work very hard to have what I have, and I try to take care of my things. I would have had the same reaction as you.
I hope this is a chance for the both of you to grow, and especially for her to realize that mom's aren't doormats, they're people.
Sorry you had to have the scene...
He seems to be struggling with my new attitude of making sure I think of me and my feelings in the whole equation. I must be doing something right lol.
I have NO patience for disrespect of my things. I work very hard to have what I have, and I try to take care of my things. I would have had the same reaction as you.
I hope this is a chance for the both of you to grow, and especially for her to realize that mom's aren't doormats, they're people.
Sorry you had to have the scene...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Thank you so much for the comments and support, everyone!
Suki, I remember well when you posted about the fiasco with the sheets and I was flabbergasted.
We haven't had a major blowout out like this for a few years, and that was when she was with her EXABF.
In looking back over Tuesday's events, I realized my part in it. I couldn't remember the last time I said no to her. She can become such a rage-aholic that I'd rather say yes than risk her anger. It's become an automatic response to say yes. No more.
Suki, I remember well when you posted about the fiasco with the sheets and I was flabbergasted.
We haven't had a major blowout out like this for a few years, and that was when she was with her EXABF.
In looking back over Tuesday's events, I realized my part in it. I couldn't remember the last time I said no to her. She can become such a rage-aholic that I'd rather say yes than risk her anger. It's become an automatic response to say yes. No more.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 317
Freedom, it is so hard for me to see you get mad, maybe because if I had a mom like you I would treat you like gold, and you would not need to get mad. I am sorry you went through this. I hate that she dangled the damn cell phone thing over your head.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
and i thought i was having problems with my 9 year old daughter, with her room a mess and her good CLOTHES all over on the floor,. TODAY i cleaned her room, threw all the stuff on the floor ALL ON HER BED...well, I made a decision, no more clothes for her UNTIL she learns to put them NEATLY in the drawers and hung up in the closet....(right now she is vaccuming her room!)...SNAP! SNAP!
sometimes i feel over looked at what i do in this HOUSE and taken for granted...!
gosh...*runs to a meeting*
sometimes i feel over looked at what i do in this HOUSE and taken for granted...!
gosh...*runs to a meeting*
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
its such an interesting dynamic when we change the steps to the dance. I did it first with my EXAH and then with my sons. It is hard to maintain those boundaries, but nearly 10 yrs later Im certainly glad I did.
Mom hugs. Do something extra nice for yourself. You deserve it!
Mom hugs. Do something extra nice for yourself. You deserve it!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 317
You know what gets to me about things like this. I always think it isn't fair for us to have to muster up so much will power, time, and energy dealing with certain things.
I remember dealing with my son, and whenever I said "no" I would always have to say it 100 times in a 100 ways, and it was exhausting. I am not saying your daughter is that bad, but it just reminded me of that in a way.
I used to say to my son "when you ask me for something, be prepared for a a yes or a no, or why even ask?" I guess he could never take a "no'.
Also, the smallest thing he would do for me would be the biggest favor in the world to him, even though my favors for him where huge. so imbalanced.
I remember dealing with my son, and whenever I said "no" I would always have to say it 100 times in a 100 ways, and it was exhausting. I am not saying your daughter is that bad, but it just reminded me of that in a way.
I used to say to my son "when you ask me for something, be prepared for a a yes or a no, or why even ask?" I guess he could never take a "no'.
Also, the smallest thing he would do for me would be the biggest favor in the world to him, even though my favors for him where huge. so imbalanced.
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