A month off?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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A month off?
Hi everyone. As some of you know, I've been trying to distance myself from my boyfriend and work up the strength to leave, but at the same time I have this stupid hope that things will somehow work out. :-/ We had a big argument/discussion on Monday night when he came over to my house smelling of alcohol after having told me he wouldn't drink at home.
Last night he told me he had been thinking about what I had been saying the night before, and I'm right that alcohol isn't doing him any favors and he would be a lot more productive without it. The night before I had mentioned how I had asked him in the past to avoid alcohol for at least a month to see how it affects him and to gain some clarity and look at his relationship with alcohol. (He admits he has a problem but doesn't see the point in changing anything... basically he admits he "self-medicates" with it). I said he couldn't even do that, nor the other things he said he was going to do, for instance, not drink in front of me or not drink at home etc.
So now he said he agrees with what I was saying and he wants to not drink for at least a month. A month from now he'll likely be on probation because he has a DWI trial coming up near the end of this month, so he said he won't drink for a month and then he'll be on probation and can't drink, so, it will be longer than a month. The night before he told me that he had gone a month or more before without drinking (for health/fitness reasons, when he was trying to get into shape and train for something), and it never did him any good or made a difference so he doesn't see why he would do it now. Well now he says it DID make a difference, in that he lost weight and was able to be more productive and accomplish his goals, and he would like to get back to that spot.
I don't know. I know he is doing this in large part to placate me because I'm just tired of it and he knows that. On the other hand, his drinking *has* drastically reduced/gotten better since I've prodded him about it... I know I can't change/fix him but it seems he needs external motivation to do the things he says he wants/needs to do. Deep down I have this big fear that he won't be able to go a month without drinking. Something will surely come up, a "holiday" he'll need to "celebrate" or a "disappointment" he'll need to drink over.
My biggest feeling right now is actually feeling bad/scared for him that he has this problem he doesn't know how to change. He had asked me on Monday night how I stopped drinking and how I am happier, and I gave some snide remark like it's useless to talk to him about it because it never does any good. (Whenever he drinks he likes to turn the conversation back on me and ask me for advice but it never ends up doing anything for him so I feel like I'm wasting my breath!) But last night when I realized he is trying to find a way to change but doesn't even know what it looks like, I told him that I understand it's scary to stop drinking when that is how you deal with emotions and life, and that without alcohol you feel like you have nothing. I said that that's why I go to AA and have some kind of program/plan for recovery, because it's not just about not drinking but also about finding a better way to live than in the past. He seemed pretty intersted and said that makes sense.
I don't know. I just feel a sense of hope but also a sense that it's probably false hope. :-/ Thanks for listening, this is where I am right now and it feels good to put it out there even though I'm pretty confused. If anyone has any advice or words of wisdom, I'll take it. I know I'm probably doing things wrong!
Last night he told me he had been thinking about what I had been saying the night before, and I'm right that alcohol isn't doing him any favors and he would be a lot more productive without it. The night before I had mentioned how I had asked him in the past to avoid alcohol for at least a month to see how it affects him and to gain some clarity and look at his relationship with alcohol. (He admits he has a problem but doesn't see the point in changing anything... basically he admits he "self-medicates" with it). I said he couldn't even do that, nor the other things he said he was going to do, for instance, not drink in front of me or not drink at home etc.
So now he said he agrees with what I was saying and he wants to not drink for at least a month. A month from now he'll likely be on probation because he has a DWI trial coming up near the end of this month, so he said he won't drink for a month and then he'll be on probation and can't drink, so, it will be longer than a month. The night before he told me that he had gone a month or more before without drinking (for health/fitness reasons, when he was trying to get into shape and train for something), and it never did him any good or made a difference so he doesn't see why he would do it now. Well now he says it DID make a difference, in that he lost weight and was able to be more productive and accomplish his goals, and he would like to get back to that spot.
I don't know. I know he is doing this in large part to placate me because I'm just tired of it and he knows that. On the other hand, his drinking *has* drastically reduced/gotten better since I've prodded him about it... I know I can't change/fix him but it seems he needs external motivation to do the things he says he wants/needs to do. Deep down I have this big fear that he won't be able to go a month without drinking. Something will surely come up, a "holiday" he'll need to "celebrate" or a "disappointment" he'll need to drink over.
My biggest feeling right now is actually feeling bad/scared for him that he has this problem he doesn't know how to change. He had asked me on Monday night how I stopped drinking and how I am happier, and I gave some snide remark like it's useless to talk to him about it because it never does any good. (Whenever he drinks he likes to turn the conversation back on me and ask me for advice but it never ends up doing anything for him so I feel like I'm wasting my breath!) But last night when I realized he is trying to find a way to change but doesn't even know what it looks like, I told him that I understand it's scary to stop drinking when that is how you deal with emotions and life, and that without alcohol you feel like you have nothing. I said that that's why I go to AA and have some kind of program/plan for recovery, because it's not just about not drinking but also about finding a better way to live than in the past. He seemed pretty intersted and said that makes sense.
I don't know. I just feel a sense of hope but also a sense that it's probably false hope. :-/ Thanks for listening, this is where I am right now and it feels good to put it out there even though I'm pretty confused. If anyone has any advice or words of wisdom, I'll take it. I know I'm probably doing things wrong!
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Pigtails, what worked for me in similar circumstances was to detach from her quitting or not quitting, what she was saying and all of that and simply watch her behavior.
If they really want to quit they will find a way to do it. It might be AA or Rational Recovery or Buddhism or will power or what ever but they will find a way to do it.
Now if they are just talking about quitting, or quitting for a month or some other period of time, or trying to quit then the odds are they are going to fail because they are committed to quitting forever.
It was the same way with me with nicotine. After several false starts and "trying" to quit I finally decided I was going to quit forever, and I did.
So watch his actions and see for yourself if he is really quitting or if it's just another snow job.
Your friend,
If they really want to quit they will find a way to do it. It might be AA or Rational Recovery or Buddhism or will power or what ever but they will find a way to do it.
Now if they are just talking about quitting, or quitting for a month or some other period of time, or trying to quit then the odds are they are going to fail because they are committed to quitting forever.
It was the same way with me with nicotine. After several false starts and "trying" to quit I finally decided I was going to quit forever, and I did.
So watch his actions and see for yourself if he is really quitting or if it's just another snow job.
Your friend,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Originally Posted by m1k3 
Pigtails, what worked for me in similar circumstances was to detach from her quitting or not quitting, what she was saying and all of that and simply watch her behavior.
If they really want to quit they will find a way to do it. It might be AA or Rational Recovery or Buddhism or will power or what ever but they will find a way to do it.
Now if they are just talking about quitting, or quitting for a month or some other period of time, or trying to quit then the odds are they are going to fail because they are committed to quitting forever.
It was the same way with me with nicotine. After several false starts and "trying" to quit I finally decided I was going to quit forever, and I did.
So watch his actions and see for yourself if he is really quitting or if it's just another snow job.
Your friend,
If they really want to quit they will find a way to do it. It might be AA or Rational Recovery or Buddhism or will power or what ever but they will find a way to do it.
Now if they are just talking about quitting, or quitting for a month or some other period of time, or trying to quit then the odds are they are going to fail because they are committed to quitting forever.
It was the same way with me with nicotine. After several false starts and "trying" to quit I finally decided I was going to quit forever, and I did.
So watch his actions and see for yourself if he is really quitting or if it's just another snow job.
Your friend,
ETA - Of course I want to believe in him. But that's where the reality check of watching his actions helps balance it out.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
To be honest, if he's not quitting forever all he is going to be doing is white knuckling it. My wife did this several times and it was not fun to be around, in her case it lead to either secret drinking or discovering that Ambien filled the bill just fine.
Your friend,
Your friend,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Originally Posted by m1k3
To be honest, if he's not quitting forever all he is going to be doing is white knuckling it. My wife did this several times and it was not fun to be around, in her case it lead to either secret drinking or discovering that Ambien filled the bill just fine.
Your friend,
Your friend,
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
The present is the only reality. He is currently drinking and that's really all you can know for sure. You are living in the future, which is only fantasy. I recognize it because I did it for almost two decades. My current reality sucked, so rather than face it, I chose to live in the future, which would surely be better......
Twenty years of my life went by waiting for that better future. I cannot get those years back. But, the lesson I learned is to live in the present. It's all we really have. Maybe consider take a "month off" from the relationship so he can do what he needs to do, or not. I don't advise putting your life on hold waiting for someone else to get their act together. It leaves you with many regrets.
L
Twenty years of my life went by waiting for that better future. I cannot get those years back. But, the lesson I learned is to live in the present. It's all we really have. Maybe consider take a "month off" from the relationship so he can do what he needs to do, or not. I don't advise putting your life on hold waiting for someone else to get their act together. It leaves you with many regrets.
L
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted by Pigtails
I know I can't change/fix him but it seems he needs external motivation to do the things he says he wants/needs to do. Deep down I have this big fear that he won't be able to go a month without drinking. Something will surely come up, a "holiday" he'll need to "celebrate" or a "disappointment" he'll need to drink over.
In your post, you say "I don't know" a lot. To me, that says that your instinct already knows what's going to happen. There is ALWAYS an excuse to drink: a disappointment, a bad day at work, a horrible colleague, a family member who sucks, some sports team winning some game, the weather being bad, ETC.
Let him say what he wants to say, and focus on exploring/caring for yourself.
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