zoso77

April 11, 2012

It occurs to me that three months ago today, you committed what can charitably called emotional assault on me while I was at work. If your intention was to cause has much emotional harm on your way out the door as possible, congratulations -- you did that.

But if your intention was to break me in two, you have underestimated me terribly.

Last week, I spent a few days in the desert west of Salt Lake City for work. And as I was looking around at all the multimillion dollar hardware that was surrounding me (some of which I helped design) and checking out the mountains and the blue sky, it occured to me that I was living the life I wanted to live, and it was without a doubt better without you in it. See, I don't have to worry about your suicidal ideation any more when you behave horribly. I don't have to listen to your convoluted logic when it comes to your actions. I don't have to worry about whose bed you've been hopping in and out of behind my back. I don't have to worry about you sabotaging my career or graduate school anymore.

When I think about you these days, as I thought of you in Utah, my primary reaction is disgust. Full-blown, unmitigated disgust. I don't know who the hell you think you are, but I do know what you're not, and that's the sort of person I wish to associate with. What you got from me was my best faith effort to be a source of understanding, support and love. And what I got back was lies, duplicity, and manipulation. You're no doubt pleased with yourself in how you admitted to your infidelity on that day three months ago. How you square that with your claims of working your program and your supposedly recovery, I'll never understand. But fortunately, I don't need to understand it. The mystery surrounding you is gone. You got better than you deserved for a year. And when it comes to being in a relationship with me, I am way out of your league.

Still, I wish you well. I honestly do. And not because I have any investment in how well you do or don't do. No, it's because that any improvement over the way you've led your life thus far is an improvement, and I wouldn't want to wish your wretched life and your choices on anyone. You are, like the rest of us, one of God's children. You don't have to answer to me, but you do have to answer to Him. And I'm glad I don't have to be in your shoes when that day comes.

Thanks for letting me go. That's the best gift anyone's ever given me. God Bless You.

Kindeyes

Cathartic letter......better out than in. You are working through it. Although I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, Zoso, I'm glad you are here in SR. I find a lot of strength and insight in your posts.

Thanks for sharing your pain, your growth, your journey with us.

gentle hugs
ke

MsPINKAcres

Thanks so much for sharing your wonderful recovery journey with us ~

I pray you continue your path and enjoy every blessing along the way!

And for your ex & mine ~ I pray also that one day they and our "A's" on SR find their way to a place of recovery and healing ~ so that one day ~ addiction exist no more ~

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Freyja

Thanks so much for sharing this with us. I am currently in a dead end loveless relationship that I am trying very hard to get out of. But I am so lost and my self esteem is so low that I keep handing on to him like he is going to save me or help me in some way. My fiance is a heroin addict and he keeps telling me that he is clean and that things are going to great as soon as he gets through this stage. I know it is ******** and I know he lies to me everytime he leaves this house or when he is late from work, but I dont know why I cant seem to let him go. For instance tonight he said he was going to his fathers (which is 10 minutes down the road) he said he was going to check on him and talk and hang out a little, his father is older and his mother died 10 years ago. So two hours had passed and I was getting concerened, not really I knew where he really went I just wanted some proof. So I gave his cell a ring and it went to voicemail. So I called his father and he said he was out to dinner with a friend and hadnt seen his son all day. That just gave me all the proof I needed that he was out scoring. Right now I want to tell him to pack his **** and get the **** out of my house, when he finally does return, but I'm going back and forth. Why do I do this. I need him to get out of my life I need to put him out of my life myself. Why is it that I cant come up with the courage to do this??? Someone tell me what is wrong with me??? I thought I was so much stronger then this, he is a weight, he drains me emotionally, finacially and spiritually. Someone give me some advice, some push, some something. I know I need to get rid of him, but I cant seem to do it.

zoso77

Hey...

Thanks for your comments on the "open letter". That was almost 6 months ago. I'm not going to tell you that anything's wrong with you. You don't need that. What you need is hope; hope that somehow if you find that courage within yourself to make a change for the better, then things will work out for the best in the long run. Maybe this will help you?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...up-addict.html

kindness2012

Ahh Zoso. Cheers.

LoveMeNow

Congratulations on your path to a new and healthier life. Thank you for sharing your painful "life lesson" with us. It gives us all hope!