Emotions During Recovery
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 18
Emotions During Recovery
My boyfriend of 3 years has recently stopped drinking, and only for a few days, but his mood is out of control. One of the reasons we've had problems while he was drinking was because he was so emotionless and didn't care about anything. He said he didn't care about anything in life because of the drinking. Now that he's stopped (and hopefully will for more than these few days), he is very rude and snappy. How long will this last?? Is it because he's in a 'detox' stage and how long do these feelings last? He says he literally feels like he can't control his mood right now but I guess after drinking heavily for years and then not, it must be true, right? Just curious about what is going on and what to expect. I think one of the hardest things for me to admit and accept is to not be selfish at this point---all I want is love and affection but I know he can't give it to me b/c he's focused on himself and getting better. I know I should be jumping for joy because he's getting help but that selfish part of me still wants him to show me emotions. Guess it'll come with time, right? Thanks!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Alcoholics become emotionally stunted about the time that they start drinking heavily/consistently. Their emotional maturity can be that of a teenager or immature adult depending on when they started drinking to excess.
For a recovering alcoholic, the emotions that they have been drowning/numbing all those years - come flooding back. It takes solid recovery to learn how to deal with those emotions.
While he is focused on his recovery and trying to deal with his emotions, how about you? Are you embracing recovery through therapy, Alanon or other methods?
Just because he is a basket case of emotions, doesn't mean you have to continue walking on eggshells to protect his moods. Learning how to take care of yourself during this time is just as important as his recovery from alcohol.
Take care of you!
You are worth the effort!
For a recovering alcoholic, the emotions that they have been drowning/numbing all those years - come flooding back. It takes solid recovery to learn how to deal with those emotions.
While he is focused on his recovery and trying to deal with his emotions, how about you? Are you embracing recovery through therapy, Alanon or other methods?
Just because he is a basket case of emotions, doesn't mean you have to continue walking on eggshells to protect his moods. Learning how to take care of yourself during this time is just as important as his recovery from alcohol.
Take care of you!
You are worth the effort!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
What kind of help is he getting?
It is not selfish of you to experience the normal feelings of loneliness and disappointment when your partner's moods are out of control and he is focused only on himself. If that focus on himself involves a recovery program and counseling and/or a sponsor as part of a structured treatment for alcoholism, then you can step back, see less of him, and allow him to do the intense work he has to do.
If, however, he is simply just white-knuckling abstinence, with the resulting simmering bitterness, anger, and depression, then you should not tolerate this situation. It is not your responsibility as his partner to experience yet another destructive manifestation of his untreated alcoholism. To do so is to be a martyr. It does not serve your highest good nor his.
You will do better if you spend less time with him and more with others who are healthy and are there for you, as you do have some pain ahead if you stay in the relationship. Even if he works a program of recovery, you will still have some pain. So you need others in your life. Don't isolate. You will go down the drain fast if you isolate. Reach out to friends and go to Al-Anon to break your bonds to his disease.
Just remember: alcoholism is his problem and it has nothing to do with you today or ever in the future. He alone has to deal with it. Your job is to handle your codependency and enabling.
It is not selfish of you to experience the normal feelings of loneliness and disappointment when your partner's moods are out of control and he is focused only on himself. If that focus on himself involves a recovery program and counseling and/or a sponsor as part of a structured treatment for alcoholism, then you can step back, see less of him, and allow him to do the intense work he has to do.
If, however, he is simply just white-knuckling abstinence, with the resulting simmering bitterness, anger, and depression, then you should not tolerate this situation. It is not your responsibility as his partner to experience yet another destructive manifestation of his untreated alcoholism. To do so is to be a martyr. It does not serve your highest good nor his.
You will do better if you spend less time with him and more with others who are healthy and are there for you, as you do have some pain ahead if you stay in the relationship. Even if he works a program of recovery, you will still have some pain. So you need others in your life. Don't isolate. You will go down the drain fast if you isolate. Reach out to friends and go to Al-Anon to break your bonds to his disease.
Just remember: alcoholism is his problem and it has nothing to do with you today or ever in the future. He alone has to deal with it. Your job is to handle your codependency and enabling.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 18
English Garden: he is currently attending a 3 day a week men's AA program (M,W,F) and counseling. I have gone to 3 Al-Anon meetings and plan to continue to attend although I just sit there and listen. I am also seeking counseling myself, which is very hard because it was embarassing to admit that my boyfriend is an alcoholic but I know I need to do this. I wish I was farther along in Al-Anon because they seem so "okay" and "independent"....someone said on here "you are as addicted to him as he is addicted to the booze." I am 100% and I hate it. I am in denial. I still think I can fix it no matter how many times I read "you did not cause it, you can not control it" and that "i am powerless over it." I am still naive and haven't "gotten it" yet. I wish I could say I have, but at least I'm being honest. I know I have the hardest time just sitting back letting him get better, I want to be there all the time, even though he's so withdrawn. I really am trying to better myself but damn this is hard 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
You are in early recovery, then, and so is he. It's early, so you are both newbies and fragile and for now doing the best you can.
Your relationship depends on both of you mutually continuing your recovery actions. So just, as they say, suit up and show up for meetings and counseling and ask for no quick results.
It's great you are honest about how hard it is, how bad you feel, and are willing to do the necessary work anyway. That is true maturity. For years I minimized the hard work required of me to get well, so I didn't get well. Stick with what you have begun. And take the long view.
Your relationship depends on both of you mutually continuing your recovery actions. So just, as they say, suit up and show up for meetings and counseling and ask for no quick results.
It's great you are honest about how hard it is, how bad you feel, and are willing to do the necessary work anyway. That is true maturity. For years I minimized the hard work required of me to get well, so I didn't get well. Stick with what you have begun. And take the long view.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 18
I just wish I could easily let him "figure things out on his own" I guess. As much as I've heard that I can't fix or change anything, I haven't accepted it. I feel like I should be doing anything I can to help him even though he says he needs to do this on his own. How do I just step away?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 18
I just wish I could easily let him "figure things out on his own" I guess. As much as I've heard that I can't fix or change anything, I haven't accepted it. I feel like I should be doing anything I can to help him even though he says he needs to do this on his own. How do I just step away?
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