December2011

I originally came to SR, because of my AS to the FF room. I am still dealing with that, but along the way I read so many posts by husbands and wives of addicts who had children in an abusive situation. Some had been with the addict for years, some obsessed with the addict, some pregnant again etc…. This brought up so many memories for me of growing up with an addict and my anger grew with each new post. I, growing up, became my mother’s protector. Of course, she was the only “victim.” I felt like I was stronger and smarter than her. I grew to see her as a weak willed idiot. I can now see that I have triggers and maybe I was not as over my past as I thought I was.

Willybluedog

Glad you are here, thank you for sharing.

dollydo

Hi there, welcome to this side of h#ll. Yes, it appears with you too, there is another side to your story.

I am the daughter of an alcoholic, cruel, nasty, manipulative and still drinking at age 86.
Not a pretty story.

Read around this forum, you are not alone!

incitingsilence

Do you really want an answer to the question?

I read that thread, and based on it I would answer no.

And yet the best thing in all of this is that you are thinking about it, and if you take this further, work on you to heal you, then you will have given yourself a wonderful gift.

EveningRose

First, my ignorace, lol--what are AS and FF?

I can relate to your feelings toward your mother. By junior high, I had nothing but disdain for her. I was always told by my mother that teens are always rough years where you have problems with your parents, blahblahblah, but my eyes started to open when I had a friend from a wonderful, loving family, who adored and respected her parents. As the years have gone on, I see there were good reasons I didn't respect my mother. She did act weak and like a victim. Sadly, as I've grown older, I have not come to see how tough motherhood is and respect her or any of that, as I have many more children, plus two jobs (she never worked outside the home), and I still do far less yelling and complaining than she did.

Lately, as I've been subjected to more of the fallout of their choices, I have come to see her as even weaker, as she did have a college education, a degree, previously a job. She knew all about anti-depressants (she had my siblings on them) and about counseling--she went for awhile, seemed happier, then quit. On my infidelity forum, I see so many women who have almost nothing going for them to be able to leave, and my mother, in comparison, had everything. She chose to stay, and I have to admit I may be wrong, but I believe it was out of fear and being unwilling to give up the very comfortable lifestyle my father provided, not wanting to face that if she left she might have to go to work fulltime or God forbid, even more.

Has this turned into my own rant, lol?

Sorry, but I do hope it helps to know you're not alone. Our parents should have been the strong ones, not leaned on children.

You ask about putting the past behind, and it's interesting, another question I've been asking lately, as I see so many traits of the ACoA in myself, but realize I'll never know if I would have inherently had a few of those traits anyway. I wonder where the line is in not blaming our parents for everything, but I guess regardless of whether our difficulties stem from childhood and alcoholism, or are somehow inherent, the answer is the same: to live in the present, work on healing what we need to, and look forward to the future.

EveningRose

Just another brief thought:

How much are any of us dealing with putting the past behind us vs. actually still dealing with it in the present?

I thought I had put the past behind me, but then the ugly behaviors started when I moved back, so I don't know if I'm dealing with the past and present both, or only the present.

Kialua

Well you are welcome here. You shouldn't have had to be the parent to your weak mother. That was wrong and you suffered for it. You buried it and now it rearing it's ugly head. Very smart to deal with it now. There is a lot of help in this forum for you.

I went through a bit of that. My AF drank till he was 80. My enabling Mom was the poor martyr who enabled and sicked him after us when she shouldn't have. Nonetheless when I was about 20 I got it in my head that she was the poor victim and I tried to "help" her. Well the more I helped her the more weak she became. She thrived off of suffering. After a couple years of that I shut it down and told her to deal with it herself. It was 20 years till my Dad was in treatment and her playing the martyr all along.

So you are not alone and we can certainly validate your feelings. Congrats on unraveling this and I wish you much success.

Kialua

( I think... AS alcoholic son, FF Friends and Family forum here)

Mo S

Good question...I sometimes ask myself the same thing. Been thru years of therapy and still get triggered when my brother brings up my two HIGHLY dysfunctional and abusive parents. Mother was beat, saw us beat and did nothing. Father abused me in every way possible. AS someone saids its how we deal with how our past effects our present. Ive changed MANY old behaviors...however in weak moments I vasilate between pity, sadness, and anger with them. I am agnostic so I dont pray for them. I do talk therapy and other good stuff for me. For the most part- I have left them behind and they are no longer welcome in my life. I feel free.

tromboneliness

I'm not sure this is the right question -- I don't want to "get over" my past, put it behind me, etc. That is generally an illusion. We are products of our lives up to this point -- that's why the ACA Workbook talks about "integrating" the Laundry List traits into our present-day lives and actions, not so much expunging them as owning them and saying OK, this is part of me and it has a lot to do with how I feel -- but that's all it is.

My favorite 12-step clinician/speaker has a slogan: "Your dark past is the greatest possession you have." That gets to what this is all about. There really is not way to forget the past, let bygones be bygones, get over it and move on, stop wallowing in the past, and these other things people will tell you that you have to do. What's more, forgetting the past would not necessarily be a good thing, even if we could do it -- because the past puts the present in perspective. There are times, these days, when my life appears to suck -- but in the context of how I have evolved over the past 48-going-on-49 years, I can see a lot of progress. By the time I'm 90, I might actually have it together! :-D

Another slogan this guy has might be pertinent: "Feel your feelings, but don't let them vote." In other words, we feel the way we feel -- that's how we're going to be. But we can recognize the Laundry List traits and understand what they are, which is the first step toward... not reacting like that anymore.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't think we can -- or should -- get "over" our past. It's how we got to be who we are. Knowing that is essential in order to become... whoever it is that we want to be -- as for myself, I still haven't figured that out yet....

T

Mo S

Dont mean to be controversial, however i feel compelled to put my two cents. In. I am thoroughly convinced we can "get over our past." IT TAKES ALOT OF WOK AND ACCEPTING ALOT OF HELP. Healthy peole have helped mold me to who i have become. I am who i want to be today. I love my life. Mind you it took 27 years of accepting help and a few twelve step programs to get here. There has been consitent progress along the way. There are MANY days where my past is no longer an issue and doesnt play into any moment of my day. For the rest- I have rock, solid tools to bail me out quickly. Had to share my experience stength and hope on this one. The proof in in the pudding.

tromboneliness

Hey, I hear you. I think we're both saying the same thing. To rephrase that slogan, remember the past, but don't let it vote!

There's an exercise in the ACA workbook about "integrating" the Laundry List traits -- I think that's what they're really getting at; where we came from puts where we are in perspective. That's why my wife and I don't sweat the small stuff -- compared to what we went through 16 years ago, it's all small stuff!

T

dbh

Thank you for this!

db