Pigtails

I am just sick of it. After a good couple weeks of my boyfriend not drinking much-- not drinking at home, which he had told me he wouldn't do, not drinking much in front of me, which he had also told me he wouldn't do, not getting drunk, which he claimed he didn't want to do mainly for sexual reasons, and so that I wouldn't get mad-- things were great, we had a lovely Easter with his family, he was talking about moving in together and him getting a better job and finishing school, and marriage and kids and having a happy life together... then yesterday a familiar pattern set in, where I barely heard from him all day, and he was rather vague about what time he was coming over (we had planned to watch a movie) or how he was getting there.... then when he shows up he is drunk... not all-out drunk, more tipsy-on-the-verge-of-drunk, but reeking of alcohol, which he knows I hate, and having been drinking at home, with his brother whose new favorite thing to do is lay around drinking and watching TV all day.

I just think I deserve better. He cannot keep his word to me and he cannot stay away from alcohol and it's bigger than that... he is miserable with his life and he isn't anywhere close to where he wants his life but he can't/doesn't know how to change it. He said he knows he has a problem with alcohol but he doesn't see the point in not drinking because his life will still be miserable, only without alcohol. I am just on such a different plane-- I am completely turning my life around, and I don't want to go back there, and quite honestly I don't have the energy to keep putting up with this because it drags me down. I start to wonder how I even ended up with someone who says his life is miserable and he has no purpose and sees no point.

The frustrating thing is that he'll ask me, what should he do, how should he change his thinking, how did I do it/how am I doing it... yet nothing I say matters. Absolutely nothing. He looks at me like I'm an alien speaking a different language he can't possibly understand. Or he'll tell me he is going to change, he is going to do this or that or not do this or that, and it'll last a couple days or, maybe like this last time, a couple of weeks. The thing that hurts is that it actually lasted a little while this time, but I should have known it was too good to be true.

I just can't wrap my brain around how to actually leave him. I think we have gotten used to this pattern of him being great, then him doing something disappointing, and me being upset, and him saying he will change... and I don't know how to break free of it. I know I am co-dependent and way too hopeful and living in fantasy-land. My mind goes around and around thinking "you can't expect him to just change suddenly because you did," "his drinking's not that bad, he isn't abusive or mean," "he loves you and is really good to you, the only bad thing is his drinking" (but honestly the bad things are that he is like a boy instead of a man... he has no career, barely has a job, can't finish school, can't focus on any responsibilities... but somehow his drinking always takes center stage and I focus on that instead of all the other stuff).

How do I make my mind remember the big important reasons I need to move on, rather than have hope and be naive and think he can change??

nodaybut2day

Hi Pigtails, if you re-read key phrases in your post, you already have a part of your answer.

You clearly see that you DESERVE an equal partner who is emotionally mature, financially responsible and contributes to the relationship instead of going around, whining about how miserable he is but not actually DOING ANYTHING to change things.

That's really something that only you can figure. IMO, it's very simple: "I don't want to be with you anymore"; then you go about separating your lives and moving on.


I'm a big fan of writing stuff down and re-reading it. That way you can see a pattern emerge. As I was preparing to leave my XAH, I re-read old journal entries (I've been journaling most of my life) and I started to see that from the very beginning, my relationship with XAH was a rollercoaster ride of emotion. I was constantly disappointed or hurt by him, over a period of many years. And when I compared my experiences with XAH with a list of qualities my "ideal partner" would have, I realized that I needed to get out.

Pigtails

Thank you, No Day But Today (I love that song from "Rent"!).

You're right.

This is a helpful idea, thank you.

I guess I have a lot of self-blame because I keep thinking, well, I knew he was this way when we got together. I fell in love with him this way. But stupidly I was assuming/hoping he would change. We both talked about wanting to change, and now I am, but he isn't. So I have issues deciding when the "that's it" moment is... like, change isn't instantaneous or on demand, I should give him time and be patient, and he has changed some things... but when/how do I know that he either isn't ever going to truly change the way I need, so I need to cut my losses and run and realize that for my next partner I should choose someone who is already emotionally mature and on equal footing... and how to not listen to his "But I *am* changing and I just need some more time" arguments... writing it down does help because then I see the past history in black and white, and it's harder to convince myself that that will suddenly change.

Thank you again.

nodaybut2day

Me too! It's my "anthem". That, and the Serenity Prayer.

I think we have ALL carried the burden of a similar guilt, especially us Save The World Codies.

There's an awesome post in the Classic Reading stickies about guilt that I referred to a lot when I was trying to leave XAH. It might be useful to you too.
Letting go of guilt

IMO, it's time to release yourself of guilt. You are here at SR for a reason; you are here because your experiences with your boyfriend have lead you to realize that you simply cannot enter a relationship with the hope/desire of changing the other person. You simply do not have that power. You already know that you only have power over yourself, and you've already taken that power to change your own life. If you step back from this and realize that it was NECESSARY for you to be in this relationship in order for this growth to occur, then it stands to reason that you don't need to feel guilty. Call it..."necessary evil"....and let's be honest, would we learn our lesson if the experience wasn't painful?

As for the "this is it" moment, you can make it any moment you want. There doesn't have to be trigger, like infidelity or one last major binge on his behalf. Yes, it means taking the burden of being "the Bad Guy" or the "Evil B*tch" would walks away, but there's really nothing you can do about other people's opinion of you. And in the end, you'll know that you're not The Bad Guy, you're the Smart Woman who took control of her life and cleared out the energy sucking partner.

Take your power.

tryintosmile

Hey Pigtails

I'll tell you something that might work. I had similar situation from the beginning and I just shoved these things down because I WANTED it to work. Now, 15 years later, I am still trying to figure out a way right this wrong. I sure hope you don't have to go through what I have. I may have learned some hard lessons that I needed to learn, but I don't think I had to go through that much of this to learn them.

It's good that you've been able to find a way to turn your own life around, but some A's just never believe they can live w/o alcohol, and it's up to you to decide just how long you want to go around in this circle with him. After a while you get pretty 'dizzy' and your common sense becomes skewed.

I wish I were where you are, with the knowledge that I have now. I'd run for the hills and not look back.

Good Luck,

TTS

Tuffgirl

Accept one as reality and the other as wishful thinking for now. And I have to say I don't think its naive to think someone can change. People change every day. I think he can change. But will he? That's his choice, not ours. He'll change when and if he decides it is time. Until then, what is...is.

So that leaves you with the question, "what is the next right step for you?"

Pigtails

You're right. I feel guilty that I couldn't find the power within me to change until I had his support/a comfortable relationship, and now that I have changed, I feel like I'm leaving him behind. But that is just how it happened and I am glad it happened even though I don't think it was the best way for it to have happened... but it's how it happened for me. And I feel bad for leaving him because he won't change the way I want, but really it's more about realizing the kind of life and partner that I want, and seeing that he isn't it. Yes I should have been smarter to realize that from the get-go, and saved myself a lot of pain, but I will just continue to feel pain if I don't realiaze it now and get out of it. I am stupidly hanging onto naive hope that he will finally "get it" and change, but that is foolish thinking. So in the meantime I resent his behavior and start to get mad at him and actually am not attracted to him at all when he's like that, and, it's not fair to be with him when I feel that way about him. Yes 80% of the time he's awesome and we have great times together and I know he truly loves me but 20% of the time he randomly gets drunk, doesn't keep his word, and overall his life and lifestyle are not in line with what I want for my own. So what does the 80% matter?? The reading on guilt was helpful, thank you for the link.

Pigtails

You're right, I keep staying because I *want* it to work. That doesn't mean it's working. And I keep thinking, I am 31 years old :-0, I don't have time to waste. I don't want to be 46 and thinking the same thing. Thank you for sharing your experience and giving me that warning. It means a lot to me.

Pigtails

Yeah. Until last night I was thinking that I would just focus on myself and let him do his thing and re-assess the situation after awhile. But that is foolish thinking. Because on the one hand, yes, it helps me to focus on my recovery and not what he is or isn't doing, and I even thought it was helping him because he seemed to be doing so much better without me being a nag or getting upset over what he does etc., but on the other hand, every day I am trying to live the life I want to live, which does not include my boyfriend coming over rather drunk and reeking of alcohol, so why should I put up with that?!

So I ask myself, how can my plan work?? How can I just "ignore" him drinking, or "accept" it and focus on myself? Honestly I don't even know what that means, I'm not good at it... I was thinking last night, when he showed up rather drunk, do I tell him to leave? (I think I should have done that). Do I ignore him and just go read my book in my room? Instead we had a talk which I think is absolutely useless since he wasn't sober (in fact he was yelling, over stupid crap, like "I DID TRY TO FINISH MY DEGREE BUT THAT DIDN'T WORK OUT FOR ME," and then totally saying contradictory things and not making any sense, like one minute saying "I was always this way before I drank, so not drinking won't make any difference," and then "I started drinking when I realized I'd never be what I wanted to be and my life was miserable," and then saying things that mean the same thing but that he thought meant different things somehow, like, "I didn't start drinking because I couldn't accomplish my goals, I started drinking because I missed my girlfriend and moved back home from college to be with her, and then regretted it." ?!? I mean, it was a totally useless conversation. I'm mad at myself for wasting a few good hours of my life on it. For being upset over something he chooses to do.

For me my plan of just living my own life and letting him live his doesn't work because we are too enmeshed and part of living my own life means not having a boyfriend who has these issues and who repeatedly talks about them but does nothing to fix them.

langkah

You're getting better, and leaving him behind. As your mind clears you can see what was always there but were earlier blind to in your drinking.

It's common for drinkers to blame AA when their sober partner shakes them off, and in a way they're absolutely right about that because staying sober permanently alters what we're willing to settle for in life.

As you keep improving so will the men you attract. As a thought, you might want to go solo for a while and concentrate on changing inside through the steps. After more progress and when you're ready again, you'll pair up with men of a different caliber.

Pigtails

Thank you. I think the one thing I have always been afraid of is being on my own. I was single for quite awhile before I met my boyfriend, and trying to figure out what I wanted out of life. But even though I was "single" doesn't mean I was alone... I "dated" a bunch of guys, meaning, hanging out with them for companionship and probably leading them on for my own selfish needs. I didn't want the commitment and work of a relationship but I didn't want to be lonely, so I purposefully "dated down"... dated men I knew I wouldn't/couldn't be serious with, so that I wouldn't get attached but I would still have someone, or multiple someones, in my life. Looking back, it was a horrible way to be and I was very unhappy.

I met my boyfriend during that time... I was all over the place and thinking I would change careers and/or location... move back home closer to my family, or go get an MFA anywhere that would accept me... I had no idea what to do with myself. I recognized that I was tired of dating ill-suited men just for the purpose of not being lonely, and that I wanted a real relationship. I guess my biological clock was also ticking, since I had turned 30 and realized that maybe I do want some of the things I used to swear I didn't want, marriage and kids etc. My boyfriend was the first person I connected with and with him I felt like this could work. Which was rather crazy because we connected for all the wrong reasons--- we were both unhappy with our lives, but rather than fixing things we escaped into distractions like drinking, drugs, going out and partying... I had talked about quitting and had quit for short periods of time but suddenly it just hit me that if I wanted the life I wanted, and if I wanted a good relationship, I would have to change a lot of things. I guess naively I was hoping he would too, and in fact he said he wanted to, and still says he wants to, which is the tricky part.

It feels like a relief to write all this down... I guess just examining my fears about being alone and the lengths I go to avoid it or to trick myself about it. I agree that I need some solid alone time to truly enjoy my life single and work on myself... none of which I really did during the only period I was "single" in a long time. And I'm hopeful that as you say when I work on myself I will meet men who are more equals to me. I guess one of my fears is that I am damaged goods... "alcoholic," even "recovering alcoholic" has such a stigma and I'm afraid any "normal" guy would run away! In fact I guess selfishly part of me stays with my boyfriend because I know he gets, understands, accepts me as I am... and a large part of that is because we were two unhealthy people drawn to each other.

Thanks for the thoughts. It helps to examine all of this.

megan09

I was in a similar situation to you, where I started to recover and my ex partner (father of my son) continued to drink. I put my entire recovery at risk by staying with him for 2 years, until I could take no more. It was torture - mental abuse. I knew if I stayed, then I would most likely drink again. I kicked him to the kerb, and it was the right decision. Almost 4 years on, he is still drinking and not in a good space in life, while I have moved forward and am achieving goals I could only have dreamt of while drinking. He doesn't even see our son anymore, for which I am grateful, given the lifestyle he now leads.
As for being alone - I absolutely hated my own company for years. I can honestly say that today, I love being alone. I have not had a relationship since the ex partner, but I have learned to be independent and strong. It is said that until you are happy alone, then you are not ready for a relationship. I believe this to be true.
You are new to recovery and do not need this drama in your life. Aim to keep 'emotionally light', which is nigh on impossible with an actively alcoholic partner. If you are meant to be in the future, then you will be. Trust in your HP. Good luck.

Thumper

Keep that in your mind. Keep walking towards that life you want. Do not get stuck. You may need to make more changes. Keep an open mind and be true to yourself.

And I totally relate to listening to their words and wanting it to be true so badly that I believe them beyond all reason.

Who you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I had that quote all over the place to remind me of that fact. It becomes much less tricy if you quit listening and start watching - and believe what you see!

whatisnext

Hi Pigtails
I’ve been reading posts in this forum for the past few months but just decided to post today. So many things that you have said in this thread sound just like the thoughts in my head. My ex-boyfriend is an alcoholic and I noticed that same “pattern” that you mentioned. We would get back to a “good place” then he would start drinking, disappear for a day or two, resurface drunk, we would fight, not speak for awhile, one of us would cave in and agree to fix everything and repeat. I wish I could get all of the time back from all of the useless conversations with him!
Long story short: I broke it off a few months ago. I was fine for awhile. Happy with my decision, actually. Then I caved in, contacted him and never got a response. It’s been an emotional roller coaster since then. I’m incredibly sad because I miss him and love him. Last time we spoke he was attending AA and getting help. Sometimes I am consumed by worry. Is he ok? Is he alive? I have no way of finding out which kills me. Other times I am consumed by my broken heart. How can he just forget about me? Then, there are times where I remember that awful cycle that we repeated too many times and I think that anything HAS to be better than that.
I’m about the same age as you…so I totally get what you are saying about not having time to waste. I also do not want to be 40 something repeating that same damn cycle. But, just because I am 30 something isn’t a good enough reason to settle. Am I lonely? Yep! But, I just really try to remind myself that I deserve better and someday, when I’m ready, I will find it. I do believe what Megan09 said, you can’t be happy with someone else until you are happy with yourself.
I guess the whole point of my post is to tell you that I understand it is hard to let go but at least I feel like I have a chance at being happy someday. I don’t think I ever would have had a chance at happiness if I would have stayed in that situation. I do love my ex (yet i hate him at the same time, lol), with all my heart but he has a lot of work to do to get better. Our "cycle" wasn't doing him any favors either. I love him so much that I am willing to let him go even though it hurts.

fourmaggie

Pigtails

It is so good to hear my thoughts validated, even though of course I wish someone would say the magic words that "everything will get better" or something along those lines. But really it's a relief to know I'm not crazy. For instance I start second-guessing myself and thinking, so I was soooo mad at him just because he showed up to my house tipsy? What's the big deal, it's not like he was drunk, and even when he's drunk, if anything he's extra schmoopy/lovey-dovey, and extra obnoxious/annoying, but never mean or abusive etc. I have to remember that actually it's a big deal because he had told me, and himself, that he wouldn't drink at home, and there he was doing, yet again, what he said he wouldn't do. It's a big deal because it's not just an isolated incident but it represents that time after time he doesn't follow through and he is content enough to stay miserable and stay drinking.

And even if his drinking problem isn't as big (yet....) as some people's, the fact is that I don't want to be around him when he's drinking, I don't want him coming home smelling like alcohol... it is not the kind of environment I want or the kind of guy I want to date. I told him that it's not normal for a 30 year old guy to be drinking during the day on a MONDAY... and he agreed it wasn't normal. He said he only does it because he has nothing else to do, and I pointed out that his room is a mess and he has jobs to apply for and things he has said he would do... it's ridiculous, really... he has "volunteered" to help me with things such as fixing my car which has been sitting in his driveway for over two weeks, putting together my office furniture, helping me with my business... I'm not saying he HAS to do these things but I have found it's better to just do it on my own or pay someone to do it or whatever because he just procrastinates and never does it, all the while saying he will do it... and THEN saying he has nothing to do so he drinks?! I do start to get resentful and that's not good for him or me. He admitted that it's not a good idea to drink just because he has nothing else to do, and that he does have other things to do.

He asked/shouted at me "DO YOU REALLY THINK I WOULD BE DRINKING DURING THE DAY IF WE LIVED TOGETHER?" (which is what he says he wants, but I say I don't want to live with him as long as he has this drinking problem) and I said yes. I said why would'nt you drink when you do so now? Your circumstances won't change you, only you can change yourself. He said he would "grow up" and "stop drinking or cut back on drinking" when he was in school, so last fall was his "last hurrah before he had to grow up"... yet he still drinks. So why would I think he wouldn't drink if I was pregnant, if we had kids, if we lived togehter... they're all just happy delusions in his head, that will never be reality. I just have to remember that. So thank you everyone for reminding me.

WhatIsNext - Thank you for sharing your story with me. You sound really strong and brave, and I wish you a speedy recovery to your hurt heart. I do understand how that feels. :-/

whatisnext

Ahhh, the excuses! I can literally feel what you are feeling by reading your posts because I have been there. The bottom line is that you are not happy. If you were, you wouldn’t be posting here. The situation with my ex was the first time I was ever exposed to alcoholism so I am certainly no expert but from my experience I learned that things like that tend to progressively get worse.

My ex got fired from his job because of his drinking. He would never admit that but he did. While he was unemployed his drinking got way worse. He was drinking during the day on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and so-on. It got so bad that he would start drinking first thing in the morning just to get rid of the shakes. It was so sad to see him like that but with his increased drinking came all of the excuses. He said he would stop once he found a job but he didn’t. He said he would cut back and just drink on the weekends but he didn’t. I understand he couldn’t control it but the more he drank, the more we fought. The more I pushed him to stop the more he pulled away from me. I could give you a million examples but it seems like you already know all of this all too well. Almost sounds like we dated the same guy!

Next came the lying, cheating etc. If I wasn’t going to enable him I guess he wanted to find someone who would. Wow…just writing this makes me wonder how I could still possibly shed tears over this person. But, I do.

You will know when you have had enough. Only you can decide that. You know what you can live with and what you can’t. Maybe everything will be okay…you just need to decide how long you are willing to wait around for that. I was so sick of being angry every single day. It progressed to the point that all we did was fight. Everyday was the same song, second verse! You just can’t reason with someone who is unreasonable.

I figured if we were meant to be he would get help, get better and do whatever he could to be with me. Instead he dropped me like a hot potato. I know that when I find my “meant to be” I will go to the ends of the earth to be with that person and I hope that person will do the same for me. Sometimes you have to let something go to see if it will come back. You’ll know what you need to do. Just follow your head and trust your instincts. I know that is easier said than done when your heart is involved.

Just know that you are NOT crazy, that I know for sure! Unless we are both crazy, lol!

Pigtails

Thank you for your posts... it's nice to be able to discuss it with people who can relate.

My boyfriend doesn't drink every day or normally start drinking in the morning for the shakes. His is more erratic and unpredictable... he'll go awhile (maybe a few days, to a week or two) without drinking, or just drinking kind of "normally", like around other people or just a couple etc. But then it's like it hits this point where he can't help but get drunk. In the past it's been completely fall-down, have-to-take-care-of-him-like-a-little-boy drunk. I have honestly never seen someone get *that* drunk, and I myself have (had) a drinking problem and hung out with people who really like to drink!! He would drink all night and into the next morning and then still be falling down when he tried to get out of bed the next morning!! That "only" happened a few times, and when I started gettting sober I told him that was not acceptable and I didn't want to be around him if he was like that. I would no longer take care of him in that state.

I guess that worked, at least it has for quite awhile, because now he doesn't get that bad but he went through a stage where he would get pretty drunk-- like, not making any sense, repeating himself, sloppy drunk-drunk-- and the next day he would be super depressed and dark. So again I told him that was unacceptable, that I couldn't relate to him or really spend time with him when he was in that state, and that it wasn't good to be so depressed the next day, so if he was drinking like that I would leave. I guess that worked to an extent, because now he doesn't even get that drunk but instead it's more like, he'll say he won't drink in front of me, but then he'll want a beer... he'll say he won't drink at home, but then he will... and just familiar patterns of not responding to me like he normally does, which lets me know he's drinking and doesn't want to tell me, and then he shows up drunk or tipsy. It's not to the extent that it was before, so sometimes I think I should count my blessings, and he thinks it means I should realize he does want to change and is changing... but it's weird how I have to push him to get there, like I'm his mom or something which isn't attractive, and I'm afraid that this is just a temporary make-Pigtails-happy stage and soon he will be out of control again, especially since he can't seem to just leave the alcohol alone when he says he's going to.

Thank you for letting me vent. It helps me figure things out. I'm glad you got out of your own situation and you sound like you're much better now, which is great!!

LaneyT

I started to write one letter on my calendar everyday D=drunk H=high G=good day B=bad day etc whatever you need and then I look back at it and realize there is not enough G's...lol I know this at that time but tend to have a bad case of CRS. I keep a journal also that I read earlier dates to keep me moving forward. Kind of keeps me in touch with reality not the what if's and could be's. 42 days and counting down and I will leave this part of my life behind.

Pigtails

Thanks for this creative idea. Right now there are lots of "G's" with occasional "D's"/"B"s. I think a lot of my worry is just fear of the unknown/future. Right now he's only unreliable/lets me down/breaks his word to me or himself every now and then. But I know that if I didn't get on him about it, it would be much more often. And I worry about when the "honeymoon phase" wears off, and/or he resents me, and there will be a lot more "D's"/"B"'s then "G's". Sometimes I think it's wrong of me to base things on fear of the future rather than the here and now. But honestly I don't want even one night of him showing up drunk after being vague and avoiding my texts for most of the day because he was drinking. Sure, I can tell myself that the good outweighs the bad, that our nice times together are worth a night of him drinking now and again, but I forget that there's a bigger picture, that his drinking (and/or attitude/lifestyle in general) keeps him unproductive and unhappy and stuck, while I am moving on to better things.