Wondering Why
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Wondering Why
I sat there an listened to the bullshat for so long????
What I am beginning to see is that I was so busy deflecting, recovering, waiting for the next assault, confused, weary , tired, angry , sad, lonely, in denial, the chaos had a noose around my neck so tight I was afraid to move, move away , i felt like if I did, the world would fall apart.
This morning I took a shower, got out, wrapped a towel around myself, put the toilet seat down, put my head in my hands and sobbed. The tears were slow and hard, every single one of them hurt, every single one of them had a name attached to the pain. I think I might be healing a little bit.
What I am beginning to see is that I was so busy deflecting, recovering, waiting for the next assault, confused, weary , tired, angry , sad, lonely, in denial, the chaos had a noose around my neck so tight I was afraid to move, move away , i felt like if I did, the world would fall apart.
This morning I took a shower, got out, wrapped a towel around myself, put the toilet seat down, put my head in my hands and sobbed. The tears were slow and hard, every single one of them hurt, every single one of them had a name attached to the pain. I think I might be healing a little bit.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
I think there just comes a point when it all hits us. I think the tears finally come and they are a mix of anger, resentment, and finally, one day, relief. I remember when it hit me for the first time. I almost felt like I was mourning for myself, for the years of turmoil. But I came out alive with 2 beautiful children and a pretty tuned eye for addicts. Knowing what I know now, I will never, ever, be in a situation like that ever again.
I'm happy for you today!
M
I'm happy for you today!
M
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by MyBetterWorld 
I think there just comes a point when it all hits us. I think the tears finally come and they are a mix of anger, resentment, and finally, one day, relief. I remember when it hit me for the first time. I almost felt like I was mourning for myself, for the years of turmoil. But I came out alive with 2 beautiful children and a pretty tuned eye for addicts. Knowing what I know now, I will never, ever, be in a situation like that ever again.
I'm happy for you today!
M
I'm happy for you today!
M
It gave me so much hope!!! Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 94
It's amazing how clear things become when you move away from the situation... I ask myself every day "Why in the h*ll did I put up with this crap for so long?!" Now, everything is so painfully obvious that I cannot believe I didn't see through all of the quacking before... but you live and you learn.
The first few days being out of home shared with AH were terrible - I screamed, I bawled like a baby, the whole nine yards. I agree with "mybetterworld," for me it was a mix of anger, resentment, etc.. BUT we just have to be glad that we finally get it now and are actively moving forward... but that doesn't mean we won't have bad days in the process.
For me, I feel like I'm over "being in love" with AH, but I'm not over allowing him to push my buttons and let the quacking nonsense get to me... getting there, ugh.
Hugs... xoxo
The first few days being out of home shared with AH were terrible - I screamed, I bawled like a baby, the whole nine yards. I agree with "mybetterworld," for me it was a mix of anger, resentment, etc.. BUT we just have to be glad that we finally get it now and are actively moving forward... but that doesn't mean we won't have bad days in the process.
For me, I feel like I'm over "being in love" with AH, but I'm not over allowing him to push my buttons and let the quacking nonsense get to me... getting there, ugh.
Hugs... xoxo
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Alabama
Posts: 21
Hang in there friend. Life goes full circle. Sorrow and joy are part of the whole. It's never good when we're in one of life's many valleys, but we come out somehow better than we were when we went in. I know we're all trying very hard just to find peace each day. I hope you found yours, if only for a moment, today.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
Originally Posted by Katiekate
This morning I took a shower, got out, wrapped a towel around myself, put the toilet seat down, put my head in my hands and sobbed. The tears were slow and hard, every single one of them hurt, every single one of them had a name attached to the pain. I think I might be healing a little bit.
I'm right there with you. I started crying at 9pm tonight (it's now after midnight here), and haven't stopped since. What started it was meaningless really, but it triggered such unbelievable sadness and reality in me that I just can't stop. For some reason I haven't been able to cry recently. Maybe when you get used to putting on a brave face all the time, and bury your emotions so deeply, it takes them a while to come to the surface. It is always good to let it out.... hopefully the puffy face will have settled by the morning.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Originally Posted by Adventure
(((Katiekate)))
I'm right there with you. I started crying at 9pm tonight (it's now after midnight here), and haven't stopped since. What started it was meaningless really, but it triggered such unbelievable sadness and reality in me that I just can't stop. For some reason I haven't been able to cry recently. Maybe when you get used to putting on a brave face all the time, and bury your emotions so deeply, it takes them a while to come to the surface. It is always good to let it out.... hopefully the puffy face will have settled by the morning.
I'm right there with you. I started crying at 9pm tonight (it's now after midnight here), and haven't stopped since. What started it was meaningless really, but it triggered such unbelievable sadness and reality in me that I just can't stop. For some reason I haven't been able to cry recently. Maybe when you get used to putting on a brave face all the time, and bury your emotions so deeply, it takes them a while to come to the surface. It is always good to let it out.... hopefully the puffy face will have settled by the morning.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by dvd5904
Life goes full circle. Sorrow and joy are part of the whole.
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked...
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain...
I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. --Kahlil Gibran "The Prophet"
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain...
I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. --Kahlil Gibran "The Prophet"
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by fourmaggie
what does ELLEN say as the blue fish in FINDING NEMO? just keep swimming, just keep swimming SWIM!
And to the OP: thank you for sharing today! I have had those kind of moments recently and I know it's a part of growth and a part of me finally coming out of denial. Sending you lots of support!
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Glad to hear you are feeling better It feels great to have a place to share those raw emotions when they show up with others who understand what you are going through. Even better when you get through it and come out feeling just a bit more peaceful afterwards.
It feels great to have a place to share those raw emotions when they show up with others who understand what you are going through. Even better when you get through it and come out feeling just a bit more peaceful afterwards.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by lizatola
I LOVE this! I say this to myself, actually, when I start to sink into an emotional black hole. I think the fish's name was Dori?
And to the OP: thank you for sharing today! I have had those kind of moments recently and I know it's a part of growth and a part of me finally coming out of denial. Sending you lots of support!
And to the OP: thank you for sharing today! I have had those kind of moments recently and I know it's a part of growth and a part of me finally coming out of denial. Sending you lots of support!
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((KatieKate))) - I've been through this 3 times. I found out (thank you Anvilhead) that I was in a "comfortable uncomfort zone". I got used to being verbally and mentally abused. It felt comfortable, but also very uncomfortable.
It took me reading a LOT on the forums here to realize my part in it. I was as addicted to the dysfunction as I was to crack (I'm an RA). Thanks to all who post here, I've come to realize that dysfunction is NOT where I'm comfortable.
I still slip and slide, but I don't stay there very long, and I credit all the ES&H that I've gotten here for that.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
It took me reading a LOT on the forums here to realize my part in it. I was as addicted to the dysfunction as I was to crack (I'm an RA). Thanks to all who post here, I've come to realize that dysfunction is NOT where I'm comfortable.
I still slip and slide, but I don't stay there very long, and I credit all the ES&H that I've gotten here for that.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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