The Love of my Life is an Alcoholic
Uhura60
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1
The Love of my Life is an Alcoholic
Hello...I'm new to this website. I'm hoping to find guidance with my situation. My boyfriend is in the early stages of alcohol recovery and I need to know what, if any, role I can play in that recovery.
When he's sober, he's a wonderful and loving man. When he's drunk, he's verbally abusive. I gave him an ultimatum a few weeks ago...either he quits drinking, or we're through.
A month ago, he came to my home drunk and I told him that I was all done and wanted him to leave. He got angry and pushed me backwards into a desk and left. It was the one and only time that he'd ever put his hands on me. He spent the weekend in jail for domestic abuse. When he got out, he took it upon himself to seek help through outpatient rehab classes (3 times a week) and started going to AA meetings. He's been granted a deferred prosecution, which includes the rehab along with anger management classes.
The change in this man has been more than amazing. I visit him once a day for about an hour and we talk on the phone. I am guarded and am not in a place where I trust him completely. I know there's a very good chance for him to relapse. My adult children are very opposed to my giving him "another chance". They feel that I need to be done with him completely, but it's not what I want. I don't want to abandon this man. I want to stand beside him during his recovery.
Okay, now that you know the story, I need to know what, if anything, can I do to support him through his recovery? I don't want to enable...What advice do you have for me?
When he's sober, he's a wonderful and loving man. When he's drunk, he's verbally abusive. I gave him an ultimatum a few weeks ago...either he quits drinking, or we're through.
A month ago, he came to my home drunk and I told him that I was all done and wanted him to leave. He got angry and pushed me backwards into a desk and left. It was the one and only time that he'd ever put his hands on me. He spent the weekend in jail for domestic abuse. When he got out, he took it upon himself to seek help through outpatient rehab classes (3 times a week) and started going to AA meetings. He's been granted a deferred prosecution, which includes the rehab along with anger management classes.
The change in this man has been more than amazing. I visit him once a day for about an hour and we talk on the phone. I am guarded and am not in a place where I trust him completely. I know there's a very good chance for him to relapse. My adult children are very opposed to my giving him "another chance". They feel that I need to be done with him completely, but it's not what I want. I don't want to abandon this man. I want to stand beside him during his recovery.
Okay, now that you know the story, I need to know what, if anything, can I do to support him through his recovery? I don't want to enable...What advice do you have for me?
Last edited by uhura60; 04-10-2012 at 05:54 AM. Reason: misspelled a word
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Uhura,
Welcome to the forum! You are wise to seek other's experiences and educating yourself about addiction as it is a very complicated and difficult disease that profoundly affects friends and loved ones of the addict.
The love of my life was an alcoholic too and he also ran into the legal buzzsaw of consequences for his addictions. It was not violence but simply drinking to oblivion and doing stupid things while blacked out.
Once in the long arm of the law he would get serious about his recovery and go into rehab, go to hundreds of meetings and meet with our pastor/psychologist to work on our own relationship issues.
Simply a wonderful guy in every way when sober. He got off probation a couple of months ago and within weeks he had picked up a drink and unraveled everything good about our lives together. He has lost his mind once again to his real love ... his mistress alcohol.
Alcoholism is forever and has to be treated forever... it is a daily reprieve when the addict stays in a state of healthy forward moving recovery.
I battled and "supported" recovery for four years for my "love of my life" and today I am sitting in his dream house (I wanted to live on the coast) paying the bills while he is gambling and drinking his life away in Las Vegas.
This relapse may be his last... he is laying on more brain damage and imprinting more alcoholic behaviors and recovery does not get easier the more you drink. He may very well die and that thought used to haunt me and cause fear and panic attacks.
Through my own recovery I learned to trust our HP that he knows the future and what it will take for my XA better than I. All of my exhaustive, sacrificial actions of 4 years and consequences of the law did not stop the A from doing what deep down he wanted to do... drink.
So... you have to take into consideration that your A is taking steps that are partially of fully motivated by his desire to damage control. He has to fear losing you for life as well as potential jail or other sentences that he wishes to avoid. He is trying to save his reputation as well.
But unless he embraces and WANTS sobriety and true recovery and is completely committed to doing whatever it takes ... WHATEVER it takes forever then he is a poor life partner choice in my opinion. That is my opinion and I am biased... admittedly so.
Were I to get a do over and be at the point you are at now I would do things completely differrently... like you I held out the carrot and "supported" his recovery efforts by visiting and giving that emotional support and hope for the future.
If I had a do over with the knowledge I have now I would have sent him a letter and told him to contact once he had a year sober after release from in house rehab. Sounds harsh but then he would have done it on his own and not because he knew he had to it to keep me on the leash.
Again... just my opinion and I wish I could get my 4 years back. I'd be on the beach right now instead of learning how to play golf in my golf community dream home that I didn't really want!
Welcome to the forum! You are wise to seek other's experiences and educating yourself about addiction as it is a very complicated and difficult disease that profoundly affects friends and loved ones of the addict.
The love of my life was an alcoholic too and he also ran into the legal buzzsaw of consequences for his addictions. It was not violence but simply drinking to oblivion and doing stupid things while blacked out.
Once in the long arm of the law he would get serious about his recovery and go into rehab, go to hundreds of meetings and meet with our pastor/psychologist to work on our own relationship issues.
Simply a wonderful guy in every way when sober. He got off probation a couple of months ago and within weeks he had picked up a drink and unraveled everything good about our lives together. He has lost his mind once again to his real love ... his mistress alcohol.
Alcoholism is forever and has to be treated forever... it is a daily reprieve when the addict stays in a state of healthy forward moving recovery.
I battled and "supported" recovery for four years for my "love of my life" and today I am sitting in his dream house (I wanted to live on the coast) paying the bills while he is gambling and drinking his life away in Las Vegas.
This relapse may be his last... he is laying on more brain damage and imprinting more alcoholic behaviors and recovery does not get easier the more you drink. He may very well die and that thought used to haunt me and cause fear and panic attacks.
Through my own recovery I learned to trust our HP that he knows the future and what it will take for my XA better than I. All of my exhaustive, sacrificial actions of 4 years and consequences of the law did not stop the A from doing what deep down he wanted to do... drink.
So... you have to take into consideration that your A is taking steps that are partially of fully motivated by his desire to damage control. He has to fear losing you for life as well as potential jail or other sentences that he wishes to avoid. He is trying to save his reputation as well.
But unless he embraces and WANTS sobriety and true recovery and is completely committed to doing whatever it takes ... WHATEVER it takes forever then he is a poor life partner choice in my opinion. That is my opinion and I am biased... admittedly so.
Were I to get a do over and be at the point you are at now I would do things completely differrently... like you I held out the carrot and "supported" his recovery efforts by visiting and giving that emotional support and hope for the future.
If I had a do over with the knowledge I have now I would have sent him a letter and told him to contact once he had a year sober after release from in house rehab. Sounds harsh but then he would have done it on his own and not because he knew he had to it to keep me on the leash.
Again... just my opinion and I wish I could get my 4 years back. I'd be on the beach right now instead of learning how to play golf in my golf community dream home that I didn't really want!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I love your post, Hopeworks.
I feel uncomfortable when codependents say, "I am so proud of him," as the addict is dealing with his addiction and making changes. The words just have a maternal ring to them which I think is very risky for a codependent. I understand the impulse to say the words, but am not sure they're very helpful in detaching.
I love your approach. And agree: let the addict deal with his life all on his own. He's been using people, dependent on people, for the whole course of his addiction, likely years and decades. He's had enough rescuing and mothering. None of us need to be his cheerleader. Wish him luck, say "see you in a year if you make it."
Let us not forget that the word addicts hate most is "No." If we're not around that first year of recovery, we remove ourselves from the conflict altogether.
I feel uncomfortable when codependents say, "I am so proud of him," as the addict is dealing with his addiction and making changes. The words just have a maternal ring to them which I think is very risky for a codependent. I understand the impulse to say the words, but am not sure they're very helpful in detaching.
I love your approach. And agree: let the addict deal with his life all on his own. He's been using people, dependent on people, for the whole course of his addiction, likely years and decades. He's had enough rescuing and mothering. None of us need to be his cheerleader. Wish him luck, say "see you in a year if you make it."
Let us not forget that the word addicts hate most is "No." If we're not around that first year of recovery, we remove ourselves from the conflict altogether.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please feel free to make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you, and we understand.
I think the best advice I heard about supporting someone else in recovery of their addiction is this:
Work the kind of recovery you hope they will work.
So tell us about your recovery from a love relationship with an active alcoholic?
For me, it has included self-improvement books, SR, Alanon meetings and support of friends.
Please feel free to make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you, and we understand.
I think the best advice I heard about supporting someone else in recovery of their addiction is this:
Work the kind of recovery you hope they will work.
So tell us about your recovery from a love relationship with an active alcoholic?
For me, it has included self-improvement books, SR, Alanon meetings and support of friends.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Hi and welcome to the group. I wanted to encourage you to read through all the stickies at the top. There is so much info and wisdom there.
Why don't you want to 'abandon' him. For one thing - leaving a man isn't abandoning him. You were each walking on a path, and they joined for awhile, and if you leave you just each continue on your individual path. You aren't leaving him in the arctic circle without a coat or anything. 
Why do you want to stand by him? I don't really want that answer in this thread - just something to think about. This jumped out at me because if someone were to have asked me that question I'd have had a lot to say about him, about what kind of person he was (or could be!) about what kind of person I am, about wanting to help, my compassion, etc. etc. Note - I would have had zero to say about our relationship, what I was getting out of it, how this big emotional/physical/etc. investment and commitment of mine was doing anything to better my own personal life. There was no real partner relationship. There was him - needy/fragile/sweet and me - needing to be needed/compassionate/....and have the upper hand so that i was not vulnerable.
That truth there is that I was very co-dependent and in matching up like that I was sucked even deeper into that void until there were zero emotional boundaries left in that relationship.
Give him space. Space to focus on recovery.
Read SR, read the stickies and some of the books mentioned in the classical reading sticky, check out al-anon.
And one of my favorite quotes
Who you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
It is easy to hear all the words,combine them with wishful thinking, and get caught up in a fantasy. Actions are reality.
I don't want to abandon this man. I want to stand beside him during his recovery.
Why do you want to stand by him? I don't really want that answer in this thread - just something to think about. This jumped out at me because if someone were to have asked me that question I'd have had a lot to say about him, about what kind of person he was (or could be!) about what kind of person I am, about wanting to help, my compassion, etc. etc. Note - I would have had zero to say about our relationship, what I was getting out of it, how this big emotional/physical/etc. investment and commitment of mine was doing anything to better my own personal life. There was no real partner relationship. There was him - needy/fragile/sweet and me - needing to be needed/compassionate/....and have the upper hand so that i was not vulnerable.That truth there is that I was very co-dependent and in matching up like that I was sucked even deeper into that void until there were zero emotional boundaries left in that relationship.
Okay, now that you know the story, I need to know what, if anything, can I do to support him through his recovery? I don't want to enable.
What advice do you have for me?
And one of my favorite quotes
Who you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
It is easy to hear all the words,combine them with wishful thinking, and get caught up in a fantasy. Actions are reality.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
Sounds to me like, while he is there physically, HE has already abandoned YOU.
JMO.
You have to decide what YOU want for YOUR life, and then go with that. If this is acceptable to you and for you, then you have your answer. If not, well then, you have your anwer as well.
M
JMO.
You have to decide what YOU want for YOUR life, and then go with that. If this is acceptable to you and for you, then you have your answer. If not, well then, you have your anwer as well.
M
Last edited by MyBetterWorld; 04-10-2012 at 10:19 AM. Reason: spelling
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Leominster, Ma
Posts: 119
Hi, do nothing, let him be responsible for his own life, his choices and his sobriety if there is to be any..listen to the kids.
I feel for you and can identify with you. it will not get any better if he keeps drinking. if he wants sobriety, he has to find that on his own in his own time. you in the meantime need to take care of you and the AC. THinking about you - very hard place to be at. m
I feel for you and can identify with you. it will not get any better if he keeps drinking. if he wants sobriety, he has to find that on his own in his own time. you in the meantime need to take care of you and the AC. THinking about you - very hard place to be at. m
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Cleveland Ohio
Posts: 133
uhura60:
I am a recovered alcoholic. My name is Chris
1) This man can recover. Period.
2) Notice I have not used the word recovering. That is treatment center re-hab horseshit............He can recover.
3) If ya love him, ya love him. Period
4) The decisions you make are yours, not someone else's to make. Just make sure you can live with the outcome.
5) Get a little piece of coal. Give it to him to put in his pocket. Tell him it takes 65 yrs for a piece of coal to become a piece of coal in the mines. But throw it into a fire and it's gone in 20 min. Credibility is just like coal. It takes a long time to build and it's very easily spent. He has now lost all credibility......It's up to him and him alone.
5) Understand there is one and only one answer to ALL his problems
...........................DON'T DRINK..................................
I am a recovered alcoholic. My name is Chris
1) This man can recover. Period.
2) Notice I have not used the word recovering. That is treatment center re-hab horseshit............He can recover.
3) If ya love him, ya love him. Period
4) The decisions you make are yours, not someone else's to make. Just make sure you can live with the outcome.
5) Get a little piece of coal. Give it to him to put in his pocket. Tell him it takes 65 yrs for a piece of coal to become a piece of coal in the mines. But throw it into a fire and it's gone in 20 min. Credibility is just like coal. It takes a long time to build and it's very easily spent. He has now lost all credibility......It's up to him and him alone.
5) Understand there is one and only one answer to ALL his problems
...........................DON'T DRINK..................................
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 283
Originally Posted by uhura60 
. When he got out, he took it upon himself to seek help through outpatient rehab classes (3 times a week) and started going to AA meetings. He's been granted a deferred prosecution, which includes the rehab along with anger management classes.
First of all, welcome, you are not alone and I personally know how hard this is for you. This part of your post hit home for me. He didn't "take it upon himself to seek treatment". he did it because he was in trouble, and to save his own ass.
My ex went to these outpatient evening classes. many of them he came home from drunk. Everyone there was there because of the courts, it was pretty worthless. I hope his experience is different.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Uhura,
Being new I am sure you are somewhat taken aback from the bluntness of our posts to you but trust me we are all speaking this way because we do care about you and the best way to help is to be completely honest... sugar coating will not help.
Please do yourself a huge favor and find a GOOD counselor that is very experienced in addiction as well as relationships... especially codependency. Ask for references and try more than one more counselor if needed (don't shop for one who will tell what you want to hear however!)
The path you are on can unravel your entire world... I am a whipsmart business woman who is very successful in life in every error except one... you guessed it... I am a raging codependent and MUST stay in recovery!
Being new I am sure you are somewhat taken aback from the bluntness of our posts to you but trust me we are all speaking this way because we do care about you and the best way to help is to be completely honest... sugar coating will not help.
Please do yourself a huge favor and find a GOOD counselor that is very experienced in addiction as well as relationships... especially codependency. Ask for references and try more than one more counselor if needed (don't shop for one who will tell what you want to hear however!)
The path you are on can unravel your entire world... I am a whipsmart business woman who is very successful in life in every error except one... you guessed it... I am a raging codependent and MUST stay in recovery!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Yellow Springs, OH
Posts: 109
The love of my life is now homeless and without a penny because his drinking progressed to the point that he lives like a sick animal. I'm mourning him as if he died, although his physical shell still walks this earth. And I am moving on, the predictable loser in any contest between love and alcohol. I am grateful to have loved him, and I don't deny that I still do and probably always will.
But I'm moving on with my life, trying to work on myself and learn to be happy. In the end, that's the only thing I can control.
But I'm moving on with my life, trying to work on myself and learn to be happy. In the end, that's the only thing I can control.
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