zorah

I did a humpty dumpty on Sunday after a week of hard-earned sobriety. Easter night! [i've always been a tad irreverent.] i should've seen it coming. i was feeling incredibly irritable, pissed off at the world, agitated, self-pitying, resentful because my sponsor from another program said i needed to address my drinking, rejected, defiant, etc. a perfect set up for boozing. when i got home and poured the first glass, even then i thought "it's not too late!" but then I thought, "so what, who cares? nothing matters." drama queen to the end. The only benefit was that for the first time, i got nothing out of drinking. that was NEW. the good feeling wasn't there; the crazies stayed right where they were. I felt really let down and disgusted that I was grabbing onto something that only hurt me, kind of like a battered wife clinging to her abuser. i just can't run on the gerbil wheel any more and pretend I'm going somewhere. so, in a sense, maybe falling off the wall had a purpose. i now have a memory of it doing nothing, only making me feel worse. I should probably write it out in bold letters [April 8th sucked!] and hang it on every wall so alcoholic amnesia won't convince me otherwise.

what makes me crazy is that I'm actually on the verge of getting help. I went to my first AA meeting on Saturday--a nice group of people who made me feel like I'm not alone and don't have to hide. A woman said she can recommend a strong, experienced sponsor and gave me a few other meetings she likes. And then, of course, i don't follow up. Instead, I try to sabotage because that's what i do. The monster in me wakes up just when I'm about to do something healthy or rational and says, "what the f--k? I gotta kick her back down!"

So, today is my first day of sobriety..... AGAIN. This time, i will at least try to get the support I need while I'm sweating out the first week.

Thanks for listening...

Zorah

GirlFromCO

Oh man, I'm sorry to hear that, Zorah. Something about your post reminded me of the discussions about the alcoholic voice that AVRTers talk about. Have you read anything about it? It might give you some helpful ideas in addition to AA.

I'm really glad you limited the insanity to one night instead of dragging it out for months or years. Hopefully this can be a learning experience for you.

CaiHong

Hi

After reading your post I thought to myself what a lovely lady with a great sense of humour and she is understanding her drinking and her relapse and doesn't need me to say what she did wrong she knows yourself.
I have a lot of faith in you. I really believe you can do it. The seed is planted and taken root. That's probably why you didn't enjoy the drink the other big night.

Great that you enjoyed the meeting and met some nice women..

CaiHong

MycoolFitz

Thanks for posting. So many posts here are so much like looking in the mirror I want to shave them. I think just posting on SR is such a positive action. I think every day is the first day of sobriety and that can be a blessing or a curse. It's up to you. I may be an naive dreamer but I have the vision of sobriety. My dad drank for almost 60 years he died sober at 83, 5 byears sober. he is my hero

eJoshua

I remember the first time I drank and it didn't make me feel better. I was completely terrified because I was sure that I would kill myself if booze stopped working.

Ultimately that feeling of still being empty even when drunk is what led me to sober up for good. Hopefully it will be a similar epiphany for you.

desertsong

Sorry to hear this, Zorah. I think we've all been there. Try to look at it as a learning experience - that's what I tried to do when I relapsed. It's actually a good thing that the alcohol didn't do a darned thing for you but make you feel worse. It's so much easier to quit when the booze stops working. We can look at it then and say, "What's the point?" instead of saying, "Wow, that felt good ... I think I'll have another."

I'm glad you went to AA ... keep going! Kick that alcoholic voice to the curb, remind yourself of what a liar it is, and go make some new sober friends at a meeting. I've made some of my best friends at AA and it's fantastic. Not only do they understand what you're going through, but they also help to keep you accountable.

Have a great Day 2 tomorrow! I'll be thinking of you.

Dee74

welcome back zorah

D

langkah

Great you're still trying, hang in there.

SOBERINNEPA

We can look at it then and say, "What's the point?" instead of saying, "Wow, that felt good ... I think I'll have another."

Well said, Desert Song. What is the point?

Zorah had a bad case of the crabbies last week and wrapped it up on Sunday night. Today's a new day and all we look for is that 24 hour reprieve.

Sapling

You know it's not to late to take advantage of this....I'd recommend it.

Lind

You can do it Zorah!!!! Hang in there!! Lind