No Contact Rules
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
No Contact Rules
These rules were found on a love addiction site but I believe it's something many of us struggle with so thought I would post them here.
Rules of NO CONTACT:
1. No Talking in person: The relationship is over, or you’d like it to be over. This means that you do not engage in talking to your A. So often we feel obligated to “say one last thing” or convince someone, through the act of verbal communication, that they should not leave. But a break up is a break up because at least one person does not want to be in the relationship. This needs to be respected. Professing your love, your hatred, anything else does nothing productive. It will make you look bad, plain and simple. Not only that, but silence is communication. It is saying, “I no longer wish to speak to you.” This is VERY hard to say. But remember, NC is a gift you give to yourself so that you can heal and become healthy. Remember to focus on your goals. Write them down. You want to learn a healthier way to live and to be. Not talking to your A is part of that process of recovery.
2. No Sex: Sometimes we use sex as a manipulation to win back the A, or to simply feel close via physical contact. But when the relationship is over, so too are the fringe benefits. Sex after a break up is just sex. And oftentimes it’s degrading. NC means no sex with your A or with any random stranger or friend of the A (for the purpose of inciting jealousy, or simply to move on quickly). Sex without love strips you of self-esteem and dignity. You are worth more.
3. No Phone calls: So often we have “one more thing” we need to say. Or we want closure. Or we just want to make that connection or hear their voice. The object of NC is to separate yourself from your A so that you can heal. So that you can stop the obsessing or recover from a bad relationship. Don’t call or leave messages after hours, or call their relatives, their work, etc. It will do absolutely nothing positive. When the relationship is over, so is communication.
4. No Texts: One of the hardest things to avoid in today’s world is the text message. It has become a relationship backbone. But when the relationship is over, so is communication. Don’t text your A, and don’t respond to texts. Delete them as soon as they come in—as hard as that may be—because once you read them, you’re hooked and often feel compelled to respond. Sending texts is counterproductive to recovery and healing.
5. No E-mails: Dear A letters that profess your love, your hatred, your ultimatums or anything else do nothing productive. This type of behavior does very little to initiate closeness with someone who does not want to be in a relationship with you, nor does it help you to break the bonds of a toxic relationship.
6. No Letters or Packages: Don’t send back old memories, letters or notes to their door. It crosses boundaries and pushes them away even further. And when you get no response from this, it devastates you. Pack the stuff up and forget about it, or put it in the trash.
7. No Instant Messaging: Instant Messaging, especially when you are both online and your A is not initiating a conversation, can drive you crazy. There are issues of tone and accusations that are misconstrued in writing. Professing your love, your hatred, anything else to initiate dialogue does nothing productive. It only makes you look bad, plain and simple.
8. No Contact from a distance (stalking):* When we are obsessed over a A, we tend to go to great lengths to see them or be near them, even after a break up. This includes going to their favorites places, planning to bump into them, looking for their car, watching them leave in the morning and more importantly, driving by their home to see if they are there or who might have parked a car in their driveway overnight. This behavior will do nothing but help you find the painful clues you have been looking for but didn’t really want to see. This is stalking. It is highly counterproductive to recovery, not to mention dangerous, and could get you in trouble.
9. No Cyber Stalking: Perusing social networking sites such as Facebook, MySpace, and Match.com, even eBay, craigslist or Googling, in an attempt to learn more about your A and “see” what he or she is up to, is against the rules of NC. This type of behavior is stalker-ish. And it does nothing but harshly remind you that they are no longer yours. Delete their profiles or block them. NO GOOD CAN COME FROM THIS.
10. Do Not Reply: One of the hardest acts of NC is not responding to pings, emails, phone calls, texts, etc. We believe that if they contact us, we are worthy! They must love us. How can we not respond to that? Some of us respond because we tell ourselves it’s rude not to. We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. But remember, you have a right to place a boundary around and not let certain people in. You have the right to not pick up the phone or reply to a text. It’s called discretion. Responding to pings, emails, phone calls, texts, or any attempt by your A to contact you are not NC. It breaks the rules and can lead to no good.
11. No Contacting the Ex’s friends and family: Sometimes we rationalize NC by thinking, “If I’m not directly contacting him (her), I’m safe.” So, we continue to forge bonds with friends we shared while dating. But contact with those closest to the A, their friends, family members, co-workers, is not NC. Asking what they’re up to, if they’re dating, etc. is still contact. In order to recover we sometimes need to put shared friends on the back burner for a while too in order to heal.
12. No Excessive fantasizing: “No Contact” can be mental and emotional as well as physical. What’s the point in following all of the above rules of NC, only to spend your whole day dreaming of the ex? The idea of NC is NO CONTACT, but some of us simply cannot let go and so we continue the relationship in our minds. This can go on for years (known as torchbearing). Practice thought-stopping. Keep your mind active and busy. Remember that your heart, mind and body are sacred places and also need to experience NC in order to heal.
For those that are unsure, stalking has the following definition and is considered illegal.
“Stalking can be defined as the willful and repeated following, watching, and / or harassing of another person. Most of the time, the purpose of stalking is to attempt to force a relationship with someone who is unwilling or otherwise unavailable. Unlike other crimes, which usually involve one act, stalking is a series of actions that occur over a period of time. Although stalking is illegal, the actions that contribute to stalking are usually legal, such as gathering information, calling someone on the phone, sending gifts, emailing or instant messaging. Such actions by themselves are not usually abusive, but can become abusive when frequently repeated over time”.
Rules of NO CONTACT:
1. No Talking in person: The relationship is over, or you’d like it to be over. This means that you do not engage in talking to your A. So often we feel obligated to “say one last thing” or convince someone, through the act of verbal communication, that they should not leave. But a break up is a break up because at least one person does not want to be in the relationship. This needs to be respected. Professing your love, your hatred, anything else does nothing productive. It will make you look bad, plain and simple. Not only that, but silence is communication. It is saying, “I no longer wish to speak to you.” This is VERY hard to say. But remember, NC is a gift you give to yourself so that you can heal and become healthy. Remember to focus on your goals. Write them down. You want to learn a healthier way to live and to be. Not talking to your A is part of that process of recovery.
2. No Sex: Sometimes we use sex as a manipulation to win back the A, or to simply feel close via physical contact. But when the relationship is over, so too are the fringe benefits. Sex after a break up is just sex. And oftentimes it’s degrading. NC means no sex with your A or with any random stranger or friend of the A (for the purpose of inciting jealousy, or simply to move on quickly). Sex without love strips you of self-esteem and dignity. You are worth more.
3. No Phone calls: So often we have “one more thing” we need to say. Or we want closure. Or we just want to make that connection or hear their voice. The object of NC is to separate yourself from your A so that you can heal. So that you can stop the obsessing or recover from a bad relationship. Don’t call or leave messages after hours, or call their relatives, their work, etc. It will do absolutely nothing positive. When the relationship is over, so is communication.
4. No Texts: One of the hardest things to avoid in today’s world is the text message. It has become a relationship backbone. But when the relationship is over, so is communication. Don’t text your A, and don’t respond to texts. Delete them as soon as they come in—as hard as that may be—because once you read them, you’re hooked and often feel compelled to respond. Sending texts is counterproductive to recovery and healing.
5. No E-mails: Dear A letters that profess your love, your hatred, your ultimatums or anything else do nothing productive. This type of behavior does very little to initiate closeness with someone who does not want to be in a relationship with you, nor does it help you to break the bonds of a toxic relationship.
6. No Letters or Packages: Don’t send back old memories, letters or notes to their door. It crosses boundaries and pushes them away even further. And when you get no response from this, it devastates you. Pack the stuff up and forget about it, or put it in the trash.
7. No Instant Messaging: Instant Messaging, especially when you are both online and your A is not initiating a conversation, can drive you crazy. There are issues of tone and accusations that are misconstrued in writing. Professing your love, your hatred, anything else to initiate dialogue does nothing productive. It only makes you look bad, plain and simple.
8. No Contact from a distance (stalking):* When we are obsessed over a A, we tend to go to great lengths to see them or be near them, even after a break up. This includes going to their favorites places, planning to bump into them, looking for their car, watching them leave in the morning and more importantly, driving by their home to see if they are there or who might have parked a car in their driveway overnight. This behavior will do nothing but help you find the painful clues you have been looking for but didn’t really want to see. This is stalking. It is highly counterproductive to recovery, not to mention dangerous, and could get you in trouble.
9. No Cyber Stalking: Perusing social networking sites such as Facebook, MySpace, and Match.com, even eBay, craigslist or Googling, in an attempt to learn more about your A and “see” what he or she is up to, is against the rules of NC. This type of behavior is stalker-ish. And it does nothing but harshly remind you that they are no longer yours. Delete their profiles or block them. NO GOOD CAN COME FROM THIS.
10. Do Not Reply: One of the hardest acts of NC is not responding to pings, emails, phone calls, texts, etc. We believe that if they contact us, we are worthy! They must love us. How can we not respond to that? Some of us respond because we tell ourselves it’s rude not to. We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. But remember, you have a right to place a boundary around and not let certain people in. You have the right to not pick up the phone or reply to a text. It’s called discretion. Responding to pings, emails, phone calls, texts, or any attempt by your A to contact you are not NC. It breaks the rules and can lead to no good.
11. No Contacting the Ex’s friends and family: Sometimes we rationalize NC by thinking, “If I’m not directly contacting him (her), I’m safe.” So, we continue to forge bonds with friends we shared while dating. But contact with those closest to the A, their friends, family members, co-workers, is not NC. Asking what they’re up to, if they’re dating, etc. is still contact. In order to recover we sometimes need to put shared friends on the back burner for a while too in order to heal.
12. No Excessive fantasizing: “No Contact” can be mental and emotional as well as physical. What’s the point in following all of the above rules of NC, only to spend your whole day dreaming of the ex? The idea of NC is NO CONTACT, but some of us simply cannot let go and so we continue the relationship in our minds. This can go on for years (known as torchbearing). Practice thought-stopping. Keep your mind active and busy. Remember that your heart, mind and body are sacred places and also need to experience NC in order to heal.
For those that are unsure, stalking has the following definition and is considered illegal.
“Stalking can be defined as the willful and repeated following, watching, and / or harassing of another person. Most of the time, the purpose of stalking is to attempt to force a relationship with someone who is unwilling or otherwise unavailable. Unlike other crimes, which usually involve one act, stalking is a series of actions that occur over a period of time. Although stalking is illegal, the actions that contribute to stalking are usually legal, such as gathering information, calling someone on the phone, sending gifts, emailing or instant messaging. Such actions by themselves are not usually abusive, but can become abusive when frequently repeated over time”.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Midlands
Posts: 201
Number 12 struck a chord with me, because i've always been a big daydreamer throughout my life, and i can easily fantasize scenarios in my mind at any time of day. Even dream up conversations with someone even though it's not real. Luckily i know it is just daydreaming or fantasizing, and i can let it go pretty quickly, but i always thought it was part of the breakup process to think about that person when you're missing them. It soon stops.
Good thread
Good thread
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Where my Dog is
Posts: 149
Exactly what I needed to read this week. Thank you for sharing. Im having a hard time with the day dreaming. Not so much anything else though because I deleted his number and he hasnt attempted to contact me since Friday (Which he said he didnt remember..probably too drunk).
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I think I can help here...
No [noh] Show IPA adverb, adjective, noun, plural noes, nos, verb
adverb-- Not in any degree or manner; not at all.
Con·tact [kon-takt] noun, verb
1. the act or state of touching; a touching or meeting, as of two things or people. 2. immediate proximity or association. 3. an acquaintance, colleague, or relative through whom a person can gain access to information, favors, influential people, and the like.
To summarize, there is only one rule of no contact-- NO CONTACT. Simple. I'm not saying following this rule is simple, but the rule is simple.
Cyranoak
adverb-- Not in any degree or manner; not at all.
Con·tact [kon-takt] noun, verb
1. the act or state of touching; a touching or meeting, as of two things or people. 2. immediate proximity or association. 3. an acquaintance, colleague, or relative through whom a person can gain access to information, favors, influential people, and the like.
To summarize, there is only one rule of no contact-- NO CONTACT. Simple. I'm not saying following this rule is simple, but the rule is simple.
Cyranoak
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Cyranoak, I wholeheartedly agree with you! It means what it means.
No Contact means just that. NONE AT ALL. But, we have a tendency to find a way to say we aren't doing it to justify the fact that we are.
However, as with any other rule we are supposed to follow for our own good, it's subject to interpretation. To some, No Running means I can't run. But, it doesn't mean I shouldn't skip, hop, or jump instead.
The list helps those who need that clarification. I never really considered checking up on him online or driving by his house to be contact, since I wasn't seeing him at all nor was there any communication between us. But, I see that it's a conscious effort to maintain a connection to him...with the hopes that maybe I'd run into him. I had a post a few weeks back where I was afraid I'd stalk him...should have read the NC rules then!
No Contact means just that. NONE AT ALL. But, we have a tendency to find a way to say we aren't doing it to justify the fact that we are.
However, as with any other rule we are supposed to follow for our own good, it's subject to interpretation. To some, No Running means I can't run. But, it doesn't mean I shouldn't skip, hop, or jump instead.
The list helps those who need that clarification. I never really considered checking up on him online or driving by his house to be contact, since I wasn't seeing him at all nor was there any communication between us. But, I see that it's a conscious effort to maintain a connection to him...with the hopes that maybe I'd run into him. I had a post a few weeks back where I was afraid I'd stalk him...should have read the NC rules then!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by Cyranoak 
To summarize, there is only one rule of no contact-- NO CONTACT. Simple. I'm not saying following this rule is simple, but the rule is simple.
Cyranoak
“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”
― Dr. Seuss
I didn't go completely no contact because of the kids but I was still able to find that line. No contact really helps. Once I figured that out (and I figured it out relatively fast) I latched on to it like a life line. My xah was kind of relentless and my energy was spent keeping him out.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Silence is communication. It is saying, “I no longer wish to speak to you.” This is VERY hard to say. But remember, NC is a gift you give to yourself so that you can heal and become healthy. Remember to focus on your goals.
Three weeks ago I called the police for help and support for DS10 and I. We went to visit AH in the city he lives in and were staying at an Airbnb. The craziness started right away. AH refused to take a breath test, then wanted me to see a doctor of his choice. Part of the emotional abuse and deflecting attention away from his addiction. I had recently seen my doctor for a wellness checkup (everything is going very well).
Since going NC, he's trying to get me hooked back in.
I've been going to many Alanon meetings, an open AA meeting, met with a social worker at a local hospital. I had broke NC after a week. She reflected back to me that I was more concerned about helping AH than myself and our son... I went No Contact again after that. I've also been getting counseling from a domestic violence help center.
One day at a time.
My goals are to stay emotionally strong for DS10, to create a safe home for him.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Why leaving can be so hard…
Victims leave and return to abusive relationships an average of seven times before they leave for good.
What can I do?
People think it should be easy to leave an abuser. It is not. Most victims of abuse face a range of challenges that make leaving tough.
Victims leave and return to abusive relationships an average of seven times before they leave for good.
What can I do?
People think it should be easy to leave an abuser. It is not. Most victims of abuse face a range of challenges that make leaving tough.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
Originally Posted by keepingthefaith
My husband relapsed and I've been No Contact for 10 days. I've been living separately from AH for 1 1/2 years... and several times before that, but I kept going back. DS10 has always been with me. I'm finally emotionally strong enough to put DS10 and myself first.
Three weeks ago I called the police for help and support for DS10 and I. We went to visit AH in the city he lives in and were staying at an Airbnb. The craziness started right away. AH refused to take a breath test, then wanted me to see a doctor of his choice. Part of the emotional abuse and deflecting attention away from his addiction. I had recently seen my doctor for a wellness checkup (everything is going very well).
Since going NC, he's trying to get me hooked back in.
I've been going to many Alanon meetings, an open AA meeting, met with a social worker at a local hospital. I had broke NC after a week. She reflected back to me that I was more concerned about helping AH than myself and our son... I went No Contact again after that. I've also been getting counseling from a domestic violence help center.
One day at a time.
My goals are to stay emotionally strong for DS10, to create a safe home for him.
Three weeks ago I called the police for help and support for DS10 and I. We went to visit AH in the city he lives in and were staying at an Airbnb. The craziness started right away. AH refused to take a breath test, then wanted me to see a doctor of his choice. Part of the emotional abuse and deflecting attention away from his addiction. I had recently seen my doctor for a wellness checkup (everything is going very well).
Since going NC, he's trying to get me hooked back in.
I've been going to many Alanon meetings, an open AA meeting, met with a social worker at a local hospital. I had broke NC after a week. She reflected back to me that I was more concerned about helping AH than myself and our son... I went No Contact again after that. I've also been getting counseling from a domestic violence help center.
One day at a time.
My goals are to stay emotionally strong for DS10, to create a safe home for him.
Be strong in your NC--it will get easier.
Sending you and your son good wishes and healing KTF
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
My husband is in recovery... not sure if I'd say again or for the first time ever as it's much different this time. Taking things slow... getting therapy and support... building on the good parts of our marriage... building NEW habits, thought-processes, communication...
Still No Contact with my FOO. My husband was able to support me in this before his relapse. He again has shown by new and gentle actions, words, communication that he has my back... that he is supporting me. This is huge for me.
No Contact is a gift to myself. Re-reading the rules again today to allow myself the FREEDOM to continue creating this HEALTHY space around me.
This is getting easier, yet even 1 year out it's still quite new after having been abused by my FOO for all my life. The abuse of my childhood was setting the stage for much more abuse in my adult life. Voicing this, reminding myself of this, helps me embrace a truth that still hurts deeply.
Still No Contact with my FOO. My husband was able to support me in this before his relapse. He again has shown by new and gentle actions, words, communication that he has my back... that he is supporting me. This is huge for me.
No Contact is a gift to myself. Re-reading the rules again today to allow myself the FREEDOM to continue creating this HEALTHY space around me.
This is getting easier, yet even 1 year out it's still quite new after having been abused by my FOO for all my life. The abuse of my childhood was setting the stage for much more abuse in my adult life. Voicing this, reminding myself of this, helps me embrace a truth that still hurts deeply.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Originally Posted by Mango blast
Goal: to stop returning to an abusive relationship.
My relationships with my FOO is beyond the scope of redemption. I am grateful for time away from them. ALL of them. My mother, father, brother and my brother's family are toxic, abusive and charismatic to the outside world.
One Day at a Time. I am healing.
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