Taking care of Alcoholic Father. need advice
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 6
Taking care of Alcoholic Father. need advice
Hi. I am 28 and a daughter of alcoholic father. He is 60 and been drinking for like 30 years. I am thinking this is the end for him and there is no hope, just waiting. Here is some background info.
He has had 2 DUI. he lost job in november and that is what made it really go down hill. He had his 2nd detox in Jan 2012 and left treatment after one day there. Now 2 years prior he detoxed and went to a 28 day program.
Since this detox his memory is horrible-short term. He drink straight vodka and lives alone. My mom and he are separated. He also does NOT eat. maybe eats once a week. He can get his lisense since he passed his ADSAP classes but he is not even aware he can go get it. Obvioulsy would not let him. HE CANT drive. We have hidden keys and he thinks he has misplaced them. Prior to this detox it had gotten to point where he was not paying bills. When in hospital I had him give me POA so I am taking care of his finances. I do not give him a checkbook because he would lose whole thing. I dont even know if he knows how to write a check. HIs memory is getting sooo bad. I give him cash, He calls the cab to go to liquor store.
Does anyone have similar experience and can offer advice. I go see him take him food and thats about it. make sure bills are paid. He cant even figure out how to charge his cell phone half the time.
I am an only child. My mom still cares for my dad sooo much. She took him Easter dinner yesterday of course he didnt eat it and was DRUNK. Everytime I see him or talk to him I think this could be the last time. We saw him last week and he was having withdrawals and asked us to take him to liquir store. I just cant do that. I told him if he wanted it he would have to call cab. Well its 30 bucks a ride and he goes lie 3x a week. I told him just to stock up BC he was complaining about the cab fare. Some say just supply him with the liquor. I am not at a point where I can do that.
MY true Dad is gone, this is just a shell of him walking around and it kills me. Its like a slow death. And he doesnt even have enough sense to operate remote and knocks the Direct TV off and then sits with no tv until one of us can come fix it so he just sits and drinks.
I live an hour away. His nephew checks on him and his sister. I feel so bad for my mom BC i know this is hard on her, she has dealt with so much from him. I try to be strong. I cannot fix this. I basically put my life on pause back in Jan and spent everyday(9 days) at hospital when he was in detox and did all the leg work to find treatment place and then he leaves it. I have done all i can do with that. I know his health is declining. Any advice. I have others tell me that if he wants to spend all his $ on liquor let him. Its just so hard to try to cut him off emotionally but still take care of him financially and give him an allowance. I mean i cant leave him there with no $. At this point if he doesnt get it he will have DT's and a seizure. ITS BAD.
I am trying to listen to my therapist and concentrate on my family. I have 2 very young daughters. I dont want this to affect them. It has ruled my life since I was 10
THANK YOU for listening to me vent. This is my first time on this site. Any advice is appreciated.
He has had 2 DUI. he lost job in november and that is what made it really go down hill. He had his 2nd detox in Jan 2012 and left treatment after one day there. Now 2 years prior he detoxed and went to a 28 day program.
Since this detox his memory is horrible-short term. He drink straight vodka and lives alone. My mom and he are separated. He also does NOT eat. maybe eats once a week. He can get his lisense since he passed his ADSAP classes but he is not even aware he can go get it. Obvioulsy would not let him. HE CANT drive. We have hidden keys and he thinks he has misplaced them. Prior to this detox it had gotten to point where he was not paying bills. When in hospital I had him give me POA so I am taking care of his finances. I do not give him a checkbook because he would lose whole thing. I dont even know if he knows how to write a check. HIs memory is getting sooo bad. I give him cash, He calls the cab to go to liquor store.
Does anyone have similar experience and can offer advice. I go see him take him food and thats about it. make sure bills are paid. He cant even figure out how to charge his cell phone half the time.
I am an only child. My mom still cares for my dad sooo much. She took him Easter dinner yesterday of course he didnt eat it and was DRUNK. Everytime I see him or talk to him I think this could be the last time. We saw him last week and he was having withdrawals and asked us to take him to liquir store. I just cant do that. I told him if he wanted it he would have to call cab. Well its 30 bucks a ride and he goes lie 3x a week. I told him just to stock up BC he was complaining about the cab fare. Some say just supply him with the liquor. I am not at a point where I can do that.
MY true Dad is gone, this is just a shell of him walking around and it kills me. Its like a slow death. And he doesnt even have enough sense to operate remote and knocks the Direct TV off and then sits with no tv until one of us can come fix it so he just sits and drinks.
I live an hour away. His nephew checks on him and his sister. I feel so bad for my mom BC i know this is hard on her, she has dealt with so much from him. I try to be strong. I cannot fix this. I basically put my life on pause back in Jan and spent everyday(9 days) at hospital when he was in detox and did all the leg work to find treatment place and then he leaves it. I have done all i can do with that. I know his health is declining. Any advice. I have others tell me that if he wants to spend all his $ on liquor let him. Its just so hard to try to cut him off emotionally but still take care of him financially and give him an allowance. I mean i cant leave him there with no $. At this point if he doesnt get it he will have DT's and a seizure. ITS BAD.
I am trying to listen to my therapist and concentrate on my family. I have 2 very young daughters. I dont want this to affect them. It has ruled my life since I was 10
THANK YOU for listening to me vent. This is my first time on this site. Any advice is appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
That's a terribly hard spot you're in. I hope if it comes to doing something for your family or doing something for your Dad that you'll choose your immediate family every time.
You're right, at this point he's gone but just hasn't physically left the building yet.
These situations don't normally end well. At some point when he's sickened further you may want the nephew and his sister to take over the weekly checkups entirely and just wait for their phone call. You've discharged your responsibility as a daughter well and fully already.
You're right, at this point he's gone but just hasn't physically left the building yet.
These situations don't normally end well. At some point when he's sickened further you may want the nephew and his sister to take over the weekly checkups entirely and just wait for their phone call. You've discharged your responsibility as a daughter well and fully already.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Thank you for sharing your story.
I experienced something similar 4+ years ago with my own father. It was such a difficult time in my life. So sorry that you are going through this.
I'm heading out to my son's baseball game right now but will post more later.
Have you seen the "Adult Children of Alcoholic" forum on this site? There are many members who have had to deal with aging alcoholic parents and all the complications that come with it.
Just wanted to quickly say "Welcome" and I'm glad that you found us.
Hugs,
db
I experienced something similar 4+ years ago with my own father. It was such a difficult time in my life. So sorry that you are going through this.
I'm heading out to my son's baseball game right now but will post more later.
Have you seen the "Adult Children of Alcoholic" forum on this site? There are many members who have had to deal with aging alcoholic parents and all the complications that come with it.
Just wanted to quickly say "Welcome" and I'm glad that you found us.
Hugs,
db
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
daughterofAF,
My father died from cirrhosis, directly from drinking vodka. He was in the Army for over twenty years, so he went to the local Army hospital (Womack) where they cared for him until he died at the age of 62. He looked 82. It is terrible and shocking how bad he looked.
I know this is hard for you, um have you called hospice yet?
I have no experience with them, but someone mentioned it on another thread.
Again, I am sorry you have been dealing with this since you were 10.
It sucks.
Beth
My father died from cirrhosis, directly from drinking vodka. He was in the Army for over twenty years, so he went to the local Army hospital (Womack) where they cared for him until he died at the age of 62. He looked 82. It is terrible and shocking how bad he looked.
I know this is hard for you, um have you called hospice yet?
I have no experience with them, but someone mentioned it on another thread.
Again, I am sorry you have been dealing with this since you were 10.
It sucks.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Oh I am so sorry for what you are going through and for your dad. I can only imagine your pain, it must be so very hard.
please stick around here, and you will find some very kind and helpful people who care. they might have some ideas to help you, and for sure , they will be supportive and can share their own experiences.
will say a prayer, and just know that we care. so many have been where you are dear.
hugs
chicory
please stick around here, and you will find some very kind and helpful people who care. they might have some ideas to help you, and for sure , they will be supportive and can share their own experiences.
will say a prayer, and just know that we care. so many have been where you are dear.
hugs
chicory
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 76
Love and hugs to you. My daddy was a hardcore alcoholic too. He failed rehab twice and got a DUI. Then he tried to kill himself.
Its so hard. I was 11 years old but I was really 33 with all the life experience I had by that time. I can only imagine what its like for you - you must feel like you're babysitting him.
Its so hard. I was 11 years old but I was really 33 with all the life experience I had by that time. I can only imagine what its like for you - you must feel like you're babysitting him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
My Story
Dear Daughter,
I could relate to your post. My mom and dad divorced when I was 15 years old. He was an alcoholic for most of his life and didn't play a major role in my upbringing. If anything, he served as a source of anger, embarrassment, and resentment for me. I did try to keep in touch with him over the years. Mostly calling on holidays and visiting once a year (I lived four hours away).
When I was 45, he developed dementia and also had emphysema. A lifetime a sitting in bars smoking and drinking finally caught up with him. He was in his late 60s. It became apparent that he couldn't take care of himself anymore. He wasn't being treated for his emphysema, wasn't eating, couldn't figure out how to work his thermostat, etc.
My brother and sister didn't want to get involved (he never did anything for us, why should we help him?!?). Luckily I had a cousin, who lived closer, who was willing to help me.
My dad had absolutely no money saved and didn't have any assets. He was collecting social security and was receiving a small pension. At the recommendation of a hospital social worker I called the department of aging in his state and was able to get help/advice.
We basically got a mental and physical evaluation done at a hospital. They recommended that he not live alone and I found a privately run home for him to live that he could afford. He had to stop drinking and smoking. His was also put on medication to stabilize his anxiety and emphysema.
There was a two year period where I drove up to see him every other month. His condition progressively got worse, but he did end up living for two more years. He was in and out of hospitals and eventually was placed in a nursing home under hospice care.
This awful experience ended up helping me with my own recovery. When trying to find him care I had to repeat his/our story over and over again. For most of my life I was filled with such shame over our family situation. Being honest about his situation and our relationship was freeing for me. Many of the social workers that I spoke with understood my story and assured me that I wasn't alone.
It taught me to set boundaries, to accept my own limitations, and to rely on others and my/his higher power. My children were also young at the timne (5 & 8). Going to see him every other month was all I felt that my family could handle. Even these trips were a bit of a strain. I made sure that I still exercised, took care of the house, and went on family outings with my children. I turned off my phone frequently.
Lastly, the process taught me that I wasn't responsible for my father's life or how it turned out. How his life turned out was due to a lifetime of bad decisions and choices on his part. Even though I wanted to at first, I couldn't jump in at the later stage and "fix" everything for him. As sad as it was, I had to accept the situation.
When he finally died, I was sad and I still miss him in a strange way. I found myself grieving for the father that I had and the father that I always wished he would be.
Keep reading and posting.
Sending you strength.
Fondly,
db
I could relate to your post. My mom and dad divorced when I was 15 years old. He was an alcoholic for most of his life and didn't play a major role in my upbringing. If anything, he served as a source of anger, embarrassment, and resentment for me. I did try to keep in touch with him over the years. Mostly calling on holidays and visiting once a year (I lived four hours away).
When I was 45, he developed dementia and also had emphysema. A lifetime a sitting in bars smoking and drinking finally caught up with him. He was in his late 60s. It became apparent that he couldn't take care of himself anymore. He wasn't being treated for his emphysema, wasn't eating, couldn't figure out how to work his thermostat, etc.
My brother and sister didn't want to get involved (he never did anything for us, why should we help him?!?). Luckily I had a cousin, who lived closer, who was willing to help me.
My dad had absolutely no money saved and didn't have any assets. He was collecting social security and was receiving a small pension. At the recommendation of a hospital social worker I called the department of aging in his state and was able to get help/advice.
We basically got a mental and physical evaluation done at a hospital. They recommended that he not live alone and I found a privately run home for him to live that he could afford. He had to stop drinking and smoking. His was also put on medication to stabilize his anxiety and emphysema.
There was a two year period where I drove up to see him every other month. His condition progressively got worse, but he did end up living for two more years. He was in and out of hospitals and eventually was placed in a nursing home under hospice care.
This awful experience ended up helping me with my own recovery. When trying to find him care I had to repeat his/our story over and over again. For most of my life I was filled with such shame over our family situation. Being honest about his situation and our relationship was freeing for me. Many of the social workers that I spoke with understood my story and assured me that I wasn't alone.
It taught me to set boundaries, to accept my own limitations, and to rely on others and my/his higher power. My children were also young at the timne (5 & 8). Going to see him every other month was all I felt that my family could handle. Even these trips were a bit of a strain. I made sure that I still exercised, took care of the house, and went on family outings with my children. I turned off my phone frequently.
Lastly, the process taught me that I wasn't responsible for my father's life or how it turned out. How his life turned out was due to a lifetime of bad decisions and choices on his part. Even though I wanted to at first, I couldn't jump in at the later stage and "fix" everything for him. As sad as it was, I had to accept the situation.
When he finally died, I was sad and I still miss him in a strange way. I found myself grieving for the father that I had and the father that I always wished he would be.
Keep reading and posting.
Sending you strength.
Fondly,
db
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