Alcoholic Boyfriend, Non-alcoholic Beer

Old 04-09-2012, 11:35 AM
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Alcoholic Boyfriend, Non-alcoholic Beer

Hi all, I'm 26 and this is my first post.
I've been dating (and now own a house with) my boyfriend for 3 years. We've always had problems when we've tried drinking together, all the classic alcoholism indicators. I'm always the one to point out that it's an issue and dysfunctional. In the past my bf has said he will stop drinking and then starts up again a month or 2 later, and then he'll minimize the problems/fights that led to him to try to stop drinking in the first place. His personality changes when he starts drinking, he has lied and hidden his drinking by fake coughing in the bathroom where I can hear him popping a beer open, and he generally cannot stop once he starts. In the past, he's also tried to make me feel like his drinking isn't an issue, and that I'm just trying to control him (which I realize isn't true, since I've dated other men who drank w/o abusing and it was never a problem). He went to an AA meeting once after a really bad night for him, and hasn't been back.
He hasn't had a drink (that I know of) for about 3 months now. I've stopped drinking around him completely for the past 7 months, and pretty much in general except about once a month, when I'm out to dinner with my parents and I'll have a glass of wine. I've stopped bringing up and asking about his drinking, which has been good b/c I know its not a problem I can fix. The last time he drank was the last time we spoke about it (3 months ago), and I told him that it was his decision to choose to drink or not, but I couldn't be with him if he decided that he doesn't have a problem and wants to continue drinking. He said that our relationship was his priority, and that he's been trying and will stop drinking. The most frustrating part of all of this for me is that I feel like he's only quitting drinking for me and not himself (and I've read how that's never going to be a lasting commitment), and I feel like he'd lie about his drinking to keep us together, which I absolutely don't want. I love him dearly, we get on really well when there's no alcohol involved, but it's an understatement to say that hes abhorrent when he drinks.
Last week he started drinking non-alcoholic beer, which he's tried before to "replace" regular beer. I had never noticed if N/A's left the same smell on his breath as regular beer. I came home after he was asleep and got in bed with him, and that characteristic beer breath smell came wafting over the bed, but I don't remember N/A beer making his breath smell like that. I've read that N/A beer will leave the same smell, since it isn't the alcohol itself but something in the beer that causes it; has anyone here ever noticed if there is a difference? I'm so frustrated. I feel like I shouldn't ask him if he's drinking again, since A) all the al-anon websites say that you shouldn't be checking up on them like that and B) If he WAS drinking he'd probably lie because he knows its a deal breaker. But I don't want want to end up marrying and having kids with him, and then find out he's been lying about being sober just to keep me around. I just wish that he would come out and say "hey, I'm going to drink and you need to come to terms and make your own decision about it." Any advice? Has anyone ever noticed if N/A beer makes your breath smell the same or different than real beer? Should I ask him about it, or just continue to wait and see?
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Old 04-09-2012, 11:50 AM
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Hi Brune and welcome to sr. I had this with my ex also, not the near beer, but in the beginning of our relationship, he would get nasty only when drinking, but later turned into nasty when drinking or when not drinking. I was married 27 years.

Sometimes in the beginning I felt the nastiness when he wasn't drinking was bc he wanted to drink, but he would drink and then be nasty. He eventually turned out to be just "nasty at least 320 days out of the year, if not more, whether drinking or not.

You're not married. Look at long term.

He may have stopped drinking, he may have not. But what is he doing for himself?
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Old 04-09-2012, 11:52 AM
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Also meant to say that alcoholics, or people who drink are not characterized by being "nasty". That's 2 separate issues
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Old 04-09-2012, 01:02 PM
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Thanks Amy, I get what you're saying. I think focusing too much on the details IS throwing my perspective on the whole situation off.
How long did it take for your ex to show his true colors? Since we've been together for 3 years I feel like that's long enough for the "new" to wear off and guards let down, but on the other hand we're not married and he's really wanting kids. He is really good to me day to day when he isn't drinking.
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Old 04-09-2012, 05:53 PM
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Well, yes, the NA beer will eventually start making him smell the same. My stbxah hasn't drank anything but NA beer for a year and smells just like he did before, has stomach issues again, and has not changed at all. I am almost 99% sure he is only drinking NA beer and I have no idea why. But, don't let it fool you. It has alcohol. 5 NA beers are like 1 regular beer. I know this because of my divorce. It is in the papers if I suspect he is drinking I do not let the kids go with him. My lawyer said any judge will see the NA beer as drinking. Also, when someone gets a DUI and goes back to get a license they are asked if they drink at all including NA beer. So, according to the law, they are drinking. They are still processing alcohol. Read the bottle. I think it says 0.5% that is not no alcohol. They are still drinking it to fill a need to drink.
GOOD Luck. I have been dealing with the NA now for a year. The same issues.
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Old 04-09-2012, 06:29 PM
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Cool

Just a 'couple' of points......:

1) "...I think it says 0.5% that is not no alcohol..." --- You're right, that's not 'no' alcohol; that's like............orange juice.

2) "...They are still drinking it to fill a need to drink..." --- Not necessarily; all of those I know who drink the occasional NA malt beverage (it's not 'beer,' even per the label; can't be by law) have a drink because they like the taste.

3) "...5 NA beers are like 1 regular beer. I know this because of my divorce papers..." --- Then your divorce papers are incorrect. Most beers have approximately 5% abv; NA malt beverages have approximately .5% (that's 1/2 of 1%). Mathmatically speaking, it would take 10 NA brews to equal one regular beer.

4a) "...when someone gets a DUI and goes back to get a license they are asked if they drink at all including NA beer..." --- This may be true where you live, but not here in TX, nor in LA, nor in CA. (as an aside, even though one 'may' lose one's license due to a DUI, one does not always).

4b) "...according to the law, they are drinking..." --- As in 4a, this may be true where you live, but not most places.

the facts ma'am; just the facts.


(o:
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Old 04-09-2012, 07:21 PM
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NoelleR,

I was stating my experiences and the advice given to me because I am dealing with the stress of NA beer and am a wife of an alcoholic. I use this site to get and give support. I have experience with the issue and was sharing my thoughts.

1) Then they should drink orange juice.
2) That is your opinion, not a fact.
3) 0.5% would be equal to 10- 5% beers. You are correct.
4a) Sounds like you have more experience than me in that one, I will take your word for it.
4b) Obviously, my papers do not state how much he can drink. I was concerned about the drinking. And when I had the legal right to not let my kids go with my ex. So, I asked my lawyer and a state cop and that is what their opinion was. You are right, I wasn't stating facts. Just experiences.

Thanks for clearing up my experience and giving me your support.
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Old 04-09-2012, 07:21 PM
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Brune, Sorry this is your post and going in the wrong direction. I have dealt with an alcoholic spouse that is drinking the NA stuff for over a year and wanted to share my experience.
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Old 04-09-2012, 07:37 PM
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I am in recovery Brune, and my Drug of Choice was Miller Lite.
Personally, I would not want to start drinking "NA" beer because all of the rituals that went along with my addictions came with it.
Freezing the glass, putting the beer in a cooler, covered but not full of ice, reach in the bottom for the coldest beer, pop that top, smell that beer, pour slowly in cold glass, take a sip, then pick up the pace over the next 6 beers until I feel comfortable.
So, yes, he can drink orange juice, why drink a fake beer at all?
My opinion is you are getting on the top of the slide down a long slippery slope.
"Look at me Ma! No alcohol (except a little).

And, if he decides to switch over, it will smell the same, but you will question your sanity. He will be drunk and denying it. I experienced that with my ex.

It is not a good idea, not for an alcoholic.

Beth
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Old 04-09-2012, 07:43 PM
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I just wish that he would come out and say "hey, I'm going to drink and you need to come to terms and make your own decision about it."
I doubt he would say that, because he knows it is a dealbreaker for you.
Please wait on marriage and children until you know for sure he has not been drinking for a long time. Like a year.
You need to make a decision about it whether he admits it or not.
This is your life. And any possible children. I have experience with that too.

Beth
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:31 PM
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I just wanted to comment on the NA beer stuff. My AH is currently drinking the NA stuff. He got cited for a DUI about 8 weeks ago and has quit drinking since but he started with the NA stuff about a week ago. He had been sober for the first 15 years of our marriage and used to drink NA beer and wine and I didn't think a thing about it.

He started mixing NA beer and the real stuff about 2 years ago, without my knowledge. So, of course, I am concerned that he is drinking it again now. One thing he said that set off a red flag to me is his reason for drinking the NA stuff. He said it's because he likes the 'feel' of the cold beer glass, the feel of pouring the beer, etc. so right there is a reason to wonder if the NA stuff is really going to meet their needs forever when it comes to drinking. I am sitting on the fence currently about trusting him. I don't think he'll go to the real stuff any time soon, there's too much on the line with the court system, etc but I have no idea what will happen after the fallout from the DUI. And, he was sober for 15 years: once an addict, always an addict.

Wicked said it best: it's a slippery slope and my AH proved that with the NA stuff, even though it took 15 years!
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:41 PM
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As an alcoholic, maybe I shouldn't be in this thread, but I wanted to mention that, when I see a bottle of NA beer, what I see is a place where I could hide real beer, if I wanted to. That's just how alcoholics think. I can't tell you how many times I've thought about pouring an NA beer down the drain at a party and pouring a real beer in. I've never done it, but it's not a stretch.
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:50 PM
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Hi again Brune,

All I really want to say, is that what I experienced was that whether or not my X drank, he did get to the point of just being nasty. When I came to this forum it was because I drank, I wanted to stop, I was an alcoholic. I self medicated with alcohol when he got nasty to me.

Personality change, I've seen it. Was married for 27 years, only noticed the change of the face, the eyes, the neck, everything about him after we were married for about 15 years, always thought it was me.

So sometimes I need to say that alcohol may be a problem, but my biggest problem was the complete change in personality. After about 5 years of marriage I saw the change come whether he was drinking or not. I didn't really come to this section bc my X was an alcoholic, I knew he was, that wasn't the problem. His personality change was the problem.

At first it was when he drank, then it became when he didn't drink. It became whenever, whenever he felt like it.

A lot of times alcohol masks an underlying condition. Maybe in most cases. To me, alcohol is a symptom.

I am an alcoholic, I quit 8/2/2011. I self medicated myself thru out the marriage. Always thought it was me, tried to do everything that I could to change me. It wasn't me !!!!!!!!!!!!! I was just a codie (co dependent), looking for love in places that I will never find it or feel it.

I purposely will not talk about the "near beer", because I don't think that nastiness and drinking are really associated. Yes, sometimes, I might have said something I regreted, I apologized, and I do think that I felt more hurt than the person I offended.

But when you add nastiness with drinking, it's about the person it's coming from. They are not happy, so they are projecting this onto you. And yes, I am guilty of that. But I felt really bad about it. It was about me, when I did that, I wasn't feeling good about me. I got help.

It takes a lot to look at yourself, do you think that he can? If not, he will just get worse. Sometimes the bottle helps, you sit, and get depressed by yourself, without the bottle, you will take it out on your nearest and dearest. Take the bottle away all together, you will eventually explode, unless you seek help for that inner demon.
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:56 PM
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My RAH wont go near 'anything' potentially containing alcohol, he is actively protecting his sobrietry. He drinks Coke, mostly and cups of tea.
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:02 PM
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sorry that I am giving you the hardcore side of a personality change. alcohol does not bring that on. it's the person underneath that brings that out. with or without alcohol, eventually that is the person that will emerge.

the longer you are with someone, the more comfortable they feel. they will begin to act like they do when they are drinking. drinking brings out their dark side, they feel less or no inhibitions. when drinking, this is the person that they are.

I can't even answer the thing about near beer. To me it is a gateway to real beer.
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:03 PM
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Again, I just wanted to answer your question. I feel like it got lost before. My ex tried quiting for me dozens of times. He was finally successful at quiting when he went into rehab but gradually started drinking the NA beer. It started with one maybe two a week then in about 4 months he was drinking 6 NA beer a day. He did start smelling again and the physical symptoms of drinking came back. He also stopped going to AA and the behaviors that I would no longer deal with eventually came back daily, too. I am pretty sure he is not drinking real beer. In my situation, it doesn't matter. He still acts the same and uses whatever he can get his hands on to mask his pain. Mine is one story. Take what you want and leave the rest. Best wishes.

I actually found this website looking for someone to help me when he started drinking the NA beer and there was not very much info on it. I think some of my first posts are about it. Yup, my first post, scared and unsure. Read all of it. The NA stuff starts more towards the bottom.
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Old 04-10-2012, 04:53 AM
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Some NA beers will say up to .5% alcohol so there may be less. There are many things that have more alcohol in it than NA beers that people consume daily. All recovery alcoholics are not exactly alike. For some NA beer may be a trigger while for others it may not & be okay to drink on occasion.
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Old 04-10-2012, 05:05 AM
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My XA also wanted to drink NA beer and everytime he did it ended up in a relapse.

High tech brain imaging now confirms that when addicts "see" bottles of beer, wine or hard liquor it actually fires off in their brain... lights up the circuits" and start releasing chemicals that bring pleasure.

Thinking about drinking gives them the mini buzz... and of course they want to feel that icy glass in their hand and smell that beer smell as it enhances and releases more brain chemicals that bring that pleasure.

Oh yes... it is a slippery, slippery slope and those that choose to jump on it with ice skates on are flashing neon lights "I want a drink!".

You are wise to be questioning this behavior. It is not a decision of someone who is in a strong, dedicated program of recovery and if your mate is white knucking sobriety the odds are strongly against his success long term.

Be very careful before making a life commitment with someone who is not dedicated mind, body and soul to dedicated recovery for a lifetime.
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