Not Sure Where to Start
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Nottingham
Posts: 9
Not Sure Where to Start
Hi all,
I really don't know where to start...I was here briefly last year at the very end of an extremely drunk, violent & destructive relationship. I was offered some very kind words, however, I managed to let myself spiral even further in to a pit of despair (alone this time).
I have been drinking excessively (binge drinking on a daily basis) for several years now, & know that I need to stop. I'm destroying my life, & the lives of the people I love most (my family).
Over the last couple of months I have managed to cut down from drinking every day to just at the weekends. I fear I have been kidding myself by saying that it's ok to drink at the weekends & that it's only certain drinks that turn me into an *******...I am all too aware that this is not the case. Me & alcohol cannot be friends.
I always have that 'one drink too many' & become an absolute idiot! Last night, after a lovely day with my family...& too much to drink I started an argument with somebody online. I accused them of all kinds of terrible things & this person contacted my Mum to let her know what I had done. Suffice to say my Mum is not talking to me & I am left feeling severely depressed, anxious & full of remorse. Unfortunately, saying sorry doesn't cut it anymore.
I have to work with my Mum tomorrow & the anxiety is eating away at me. ALl I want to do is reach for the bottle. I can't help but think that I may be better of dead so that everybody could get back to being happy & not worrying about what stupid thing I'm going to do this time.
I want/need to stop drinking completely. I feel it's too late & I'm scared of failing over & over again.
Sorry if this doesn't make much sense...my mind is working over time!
Somebody please help, I can't be this person anymore. I'm so scared
I really don't know where to start...I was here briefly last year at the very end of an extremely drunk, violent & destructive relationship. I was offered some very kind words, however, I managed to let myself spiral even further in to a pit of despair (alone this time).
I have been drinking excessively (binge drinking on a daily basis) for several years now, & know that I need to stop. I'm destroying my life, & the lives of the people I love most (my family).
Over the last couple of months I have managed to cut down from drinking every day to just at the weekends. I fear I have been kidding myself by saying that it's ok to drink at the weekends & that it's only certain drinks that turn me into an *******...I am all too aware that this is not the case. Me & alcohol cannot be friends.
I always have that 'one drink too many' & become an absolute idiot! Last night, after a lovely day with my family...& too much to drink I started an argument with somebody online. I accused them of all kinds of terrible things & this person contacted my Mum to let her know what I had done. Suffice to say my Mum is not talking to me & I am left feeling severely depressed, anxious & full of remorse. Unfortunately, saying sorry doesn't cut it anymore.
I have to work with my Mum tomorrow & the anxiety is eating away at me. ALl I want to do is reach for the bottle. I can't help but think that I may be better of dead so that everybody could get back to being happy & not worrying about what stupid thing I'm going to do this time.
I want/need to stop drinking completely. I feel it's too late & I'm scared of failing over & over again.
Sorry if this doesn't make much sense...my mind is working over time!
Somebody please help, I can't be this person anymore. I'm so scared
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Hi and Welcome,
It's not too late to stop drinking and to change your life. There is always hope, though I understand how low you feel at this moment. I understand how it feels when saying you're sorry has become meaningless.
This can be your bottom and you can move forward from here.
It's not too late to stop drinking and to change your life. There is always hope, though I understand how low you feel at this moment. I understand how it feels when saying you're sorry has become meaningless.
This can be your bottom and you can move forward from here.
So it goes
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,620
Hi you have made the first step. We all have realized we have to end our relationship with alcohol. There are many ways on here to learn about stopping, and it works. This is my11th sober weekend and first sober holiday weekend. It is hard, you will find it difficult to stop. However, what is true is sober is better,stop around and join the conversation. Good luck
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Welcome to SR!
You aren't alone! I've been there, opening my mouth when I didn't really have to.
It will get better and easier. The first week can be real rough, but you can make it through. Get busy and stay out of your head! Stop beating yourself up. Focus on what you are doing---sobriety is action. Go get busy, clean the bathroom or something. It's amazing what action can do for ya!
Glad you are here. Stay strong and stay stopped!
You aren't alone! I've been there, opening my mouth when I didn't really have to.
It will get better and easier. The first week can be real rough, but you can make it through. Get busy and stay out of your head! Stop beating yourself up. Focus on what you are doing---sobriety is action. Go get busy, clean the bathroom or something. It's amazing what action can do for ya!
Glad you are here. Stay strong and stay stopped!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Tampa
Posts: 178
Every single day, people quit drinking. My single day was almost 20 months ago, where I traded alcohol for bottled water. Now I drink at work too 
It can be done. Being alone worked best for me. I needed time to close out the day completely alone with my bottled water, computer games and a couple cigars... these were just the things I personally wanted while I went through my cleansing and habit adjusting.
You can do this. You just have to promise yourself to enjoy life. There's only one type of liquid you are removing from your life. All the rest of lifes joys are yours to enjoy.
Stick with it and be free.
It can be done. Being alone worked best for me. I needed time to close out the day completely alone with my bottled water, computer games and a couple cigars... these were just the things I personally wanted while I went through my cleansing and habit adjusting.
You can do this. You just have to promise yourself to enjoy life. There's only one type of liquid you are removing from your life. All the rest of lifes joys are yours to enjoy.
Stick with it and be free.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Near Scranton PA
Posts: 424
Wow. I remember getting up and checking my cell phone, text message, e-mail and Facebook to see whom I might have outraged the previous night. You will NOT miss that.
Talk to people here. Reach out to folks who will support your sobriety. Get medical help. It's not too late.
A good friend told me, "When you're tired of being ashamed, you stop doing shameful things." Give yourself a couple sober days to heal and reassess then.
Talk to people here. Reach out to folks who will support your sobriety. Get medical help. It's not too late.
A good friend told me, "When you're tired of being ashamed, you stop doing shameful things." Give yourself a couple sober days to heal and reassess then.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Nottingham
Posts: 9
Thank you all sooo much for your replies. I've read through & cried...your supportive words are greatly appreciated.
I absolutely know that I have to stop altogether this time. I'm panicked at the thought of doing this.
I'm also worried that I may have caused my family too much shame to ever earn their forgiveness
I know beating myself up isn't going to make the situation any better, but I'm kind of feeling very sorry for myself at the minute.
I don't understand how alcohol managed to get such a grip on my life, or how it seems to control my mind more than I can.
I've become an anti-social, shy & very introverted person...I guess I was using the booze to give me confidence in some respects...yet all I've done is manage to alienate myself.
I do the whole checking my messages, outgoing calls, emails & Facebook every time I drink. Nine times out of ten there's something on there that I didn't want to see, which inevitably means I have upset somebody...hence the reason I don't really have any friends.
The cravings for a drink right now are immense. I'm even drinking OJ from a wine glass to fool myself into thinking I actually have booze!
I really feel determined, yet a bit lost. I know this will be tough. I just want to scream & then cry myself to sleep at the minute
Thank you again, & sorry for being miserable & defeatist...
I absolutely know that I have to stop altogether this time. I'm panicked at the thought of doing this.
I'm also worried that I may have caused my family too much shame to ever earn their forgiveness
I know beating myself up isn't going to make the situation any better, but I'm kind of feeling very sorry for myself at the minute.
I don't understand how alcohol managed to get such a grip on my life, or how it seems to control my mind more than I can.
I've become an anti-social, shy & very introverted person...I guess I was using the booze to give me confidence in some respects...yet all I've done is manage to alienate myself.
I do the whole checking my messages, outgoing calls, emails & Facebook every time I drink. Nine times out of ten there's something on there that I didn't want to see, which inevitably means I have upset somebody...hence the reason I don't really have any friends.
The cravings for a drink right now are immense. I'm even drinking OJ from a wine glass to fool myself into thinking I actually have booze!
I really feel determined, yet a bit lost. I know this will be tough. I just want to scream & then cry myself to sleep at the minute
Thank you again, & sorry for being miserable & defeatist...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Nottingham
Posts: 9
PS - I don't really know who to reach out to. This site has been instrumental in me being able to quit the drink during the week, just reading other people's posts has given me a level of strength I was unaware I had.
Last year I started seeing an alcohol counsellor. She was brilliant, but I found that the activities she set for me on a weekly basis just made me increasingly emotional to the point where I just stopped going & ignored her calls...pathetic I know.
I hate alcohol right now, but I hate myself more for allowing things to get this way. I feel like such a failure as a person
Last year I started seeing an alcohol counsellor. She was brilliant, but I found that the activities she set for me on a weekly basis just made me increasingly emotional to the point where I just stopped going & ignored her calls...pathetic I know.
I hate alcohol right now, but I hate myself more for allowing things to get this way. I feel like such a failure as a person
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: California
Posts: 21
Welcome to SR. Coming here has been one of the best things I've ever done. I've been sober 18 days now and for the past 2 years I couldn't get past 4 days if any at all. I was always so afraid to even attempt to quit. I was afraid of failing, but mostly I was afraid to even consider getting along without alcohol. It was a very lonely and scary place to be. Until I came here. Reading others' recovery stories has been such an inspiration and has kept me sober.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Near Scranton PA
Posts: 424
"I've become an anti-social, shy & very introverted person...I guess I was using the booze to give me confidence in some respects...yet all I've done is manage to alienate myself."
I have certainly been there. Try the addiction counselor again. You won't be the first person she's seen go away and come back. Sooner or later comebody here is going to tell you; It's not how you fall, it's how you get back up.
Really, you've found a host of people that have had the same problems. Stick with it.
I have certainly been there. Try the addiction counselor again. You won't be the first person she's seen go away and come back. Sooner or later comebody here is going to tell you; It's not how you fall, it's how you get back up.
Really, you've found a host of people that have had the same problems. Stick with it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Nottingham
Posts: 9
Thank you, ReluctantHope. Well done on 18 days sober...I hope that is me one day!
I think you have something there. Yes, I am afraid of failing, but I am also worried about a life without alcohol. I'm scared of that void, especially as booze has been my only 'activity' as such over the last seven to ten years.
I will continue to read other people's stories & hopefully gain hope & perspective
SOBERINNEPA: Thank you also. I am thinking about contacting the counsellor again, though I must say that I'm ever so slightly embarrassed about the way I ended communication with her.
Perhaps I need to face my embarrassment & admit I was wrong. I'll keep you updated should I decide to bite that particular bullet.
For now; I am finding comfort in realising I'm not alone (I don't mean to sound selfish). Alcohol is my biggest problem right now, which has been feeding my other (mental health) problems.
I'm going to stick around this time...I don't think I'll get another chance. Plus, I still have to face tomorrow :-/
I think you have something there. Yes, I am afraid of failing, but I am also worried about a life without alcohol. I'm scared of that void, especially as booze has been my only 'activity' as such over the last seven to ten years.
I will continue to read other people's stories & hopefully gain hope & perspective
SOBERINNEPA: Thank you also. I am thinking about contacting the counsellor again, though I must say that I'm ever so slightly embarrassed about the way I ended communication with her.
Perhaps I need to face my embarrassment & admit I was wrong. I'll keep you updated should I decide to bite that particular bullet.
For now; I am finding comfort in realising I'm not alone (I don't mean to sound selfish). Alcohol is my biggest problem right now, which has been feeding my other (mental health) problems.
I'm going to stick around this time...I don't think I'll get another chance. Plus, I still have to face tomorrow :-/
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Hi alone! Great to see you here again.
I felt like you when I quit. I was terrified to let go of it, but more terrified to keep going down the same old road. Trust me, it is much easier to stop all together than to try and control it. It isn't helping or making life more fun or enjoyable - it's turning your life into a nightmare. You can rise above all your problems and have a brand new life. People will see the change in you and know who you really are. You can do this.
I felt like you when I quit. I was terrified to let go of it, but more terrified to keep going down the same old road. Trust me, it is much easier to stop all together than to try and control it. It isn't helping or making life more fun or enjoyable - it's turning your life into a nightmare. You can rise above all your problems and have a brand new life. People will see the change in you and know who you really are. You can do this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Nottingham
Posts: 9
Oh, Hevyn...you have just made me cry for the millionth time today! Thank you & bless you.
I know this is possible. It's a bleak & scary path, but I know it's leading to something bright & positive
If I could just, for once, not make my family's life a misery it will all be worth it.
My life is a spiralling nightmare right now...I don't know what happened, I have known for a long time that action is needed, but this morning it seemed a lot more urgent than it ever has before.
Thank you also for believing I can do this!
x
I know this is possible. It's a bleak & scary path, but I know it's leading to something bright & positive
If I could just, for once, not make my family's life a misery it will all be worth it.
My life is a spiralling nightmare right now...I don't know what happened, I have known for a long time that action is needed, but this morning it seemed a lot more urgent than it ever has before.
Thank you also for believing I can do this!
x
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 773
Maybe you've hit bottom? in that case, perfect time to do good now. Just don't drink today, Mum's gonna really be pissed if you show up all poluted. Time usually heals all wound's, even the deep scars lighten up a little, all the stuff you did and the pain you feel is expected from an alcholic, people understand that..
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