Fun2Dress

So, it has been SOME time since my last post.

This is a quick update. Oct of last year I learned I have cancer. Stage 4, liver. Remember, I'm only 30, have 2 kids, and live with an alcoholic husband.

He quit drinking for 90 days, went to AA meeting. He was doing great! And then stopped. My heart is breaking.

Now I have to worry about him, my cancer, me dying, my kids, ect. The stress is too much. I have had to start keeping my meds in a lock box, because I don't trust him.

Please help me! How do I help him?? I just want my old husband back. He has been drinking for about a month now. What do I do? How can I get him back into those meeting? He loved going, and I have no clue why he stopped.

Fun2Dress

P.S. Leaving him is something I can't do. I have got to have have his insurance. Cancer isn't cheap.

Adventure

Fun2Dress, I am pretty new here, and don't really have advice for you, but wanted to send you my support, thoughts and best wishes. Reaching out to people here is a small step, I hope you get a little something from the virtual support. Do you have family you can reach out to? I feel very sad for you and your lovely children and hope you can find people who can be there for you.

Adventure

Fun2Dress

Thanks Adventure.
Not really. If I were to tell my family they would tell me to leave him. I'm to the point that I would, but having cancer I can't. I'm on his insurance.

heathersweeds

Dear Funtodress-

I am so sorry you have all this in your lap. I don't really have any advice , but your post touched my heart. I am a recovering A. We or I didn't like reality at all, still don't, but when I was drinking, my feelings were all I thought about sadly enough. I am hoping you have a higher power to turn to and surrender all your heartache so you can have some peace and enjoy your children. This has got to be the hardest thing imaginable and I will be praying for you and your family.

inpieces314

I really am not taking his side here, trust me, I hate alcohol as much as the next codependent spouse and family member.

Maybe he is also feeling the stress, and that is why he started to drink again. No, not an excuse, but maybe you should approach him with that thought and see what he says. If that is the case, he can find some other coping mechanism. Because what he is doing is definitely not helping either you or the kids, and that is regardless of the fact that you have cancer and you shouldn't be dealing with this bs anyway.

Pelican

Have you consulted an attorney to determine if there is a way to stay on your husbands insurance with a legal separation or divorce?

A couple free consultations with lawyers helped me to understand my rights according to the laws in my state, and the outcomes of the local court system.

In the meantime, can you attend Alanon meetings for face-to-face support?

And we are open 24/7, to offer support and encouragement as needed.

I'm sorry to hear of your condition. Gentle ((hugs))

Fun2Dress

Thank you all for your support and prayers.

I do believe some of the drinking is due to my health. But he did go 90 days of the 6 months I have had cancer. Plus we got to news since then that the chemo is working.

I just have so much stress. I have had 10 chemo (the hard stuff), plus I'm going like I was before cancer. Taking care of everything.

I might seek out some legal advice, I have to do whats best for the kids. But what would they do? I'm sick with a cancer that I will die from...I would be thankful to live 2 years. So its not like a judge will give me the kids.

I can't go to meeting, as I have to take care of my kids. I can't leave them here with him. He got really drunk tonight, and said he is going back tomorrow. So we will see. I'm so thankful for this outlet. It helps to talk about it.

FindingJoy

Your story is a strong reminder to all if us how toxic and I ending active addiction can be. He is choosing to self medicate over his ill wife who needs him more now than ever and two kids. Wow the DOC always does come first. God I hope this isn't the case with recovering addicts.

I'm sending you positive and healing energy. Along with a giant slap in the face to your drnk husband who doesn't evn deserve the title husband.

I'm in awe if your strength.

jessiec

Sending hugs and peace to you during this time. Please, please take the best possible care of yourself and the children. Pray, meditate, laugh, read inspirational books, deep breathe — do whatever you can to enjoy life's blessings. Worrying can and will only make you sicker. You have insurance ... please consider finding a therapist you and your family — especially the children — can talk to!

Dee74

Hi Fun2Dress

I wish I had some useful experience to share but I know very little about insurance.

I do know you'll find a lot of support here tho, and I really hope your husband will continue to listen to that voice inside him that will leads him back to meetings and taking the responsibility he needs to for his own recovery....I think you have enough to be dealing with right now

thinking of you and wishing you all the best

D

Seren

Hi Fun2Dress, I'm so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I hope you know that your illness in no way is responsible for your husband's drinking. An alcoholic who is active in addiction will use any excuse from a hangnail to Groundhog Day as a reason to drink.

I have to agree that consulting with an attorney would be a smart move. Perhaps you would qualify for Medicaid if you decide to leave your husband.

You, your children, and your husband will be in my prayers. HG

Anna

I'm so very sorry you are trying to cope with this.

My prayers and good thoughts go out to you and your children.

MsPINKAcres

Please accept my heartfelt prayers and continued good thoughts of healing & comfort for you as you fight this awful disease of CANCER!! All that I have read and heard from friends that have it say it requires 100% of everything you have to fight it ~ please know I'm praying the very very best for you.

Because you are dealing with the reality of this ~ I agree with the suggestions of consulting with an attorney ~ as heartbreaking as it may seem not only do you have to think of the possibility of not having insurance ~ but there is the possibility of who will care for those precious children should you become physically unable to do so ~

Just because you get information from the attorney doesn't mean you have to ACT right now ~ it just means you can be prepared in case you ever decide you need to do something. . .

For me, having the knowledge of what my options are can relieve some of my stresses ~

Also, are you in a support group for your illness? Even if it is one on-line ~ maybe that would give you some help in addition to the help SR is giving you ~

Again, for me - the more I share my fears and concerns with trusted friends that have similiar situations the more I get experience, strength & hope from them to help me walk my path -

Praying your HP's very best for you!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

CatsPajamas

I am so glad you are reaching out for support. Many areas have cancer support groups as well - have you been able to attend any of those?

I also agree with consulting with an attorney. I have found them to be kind and helpful and they can also have access to some terrific resources. Your doctors office may as well. It's interesting how you can find help in the most unusual places... and you may find that there are others with experience in this area - A spouse dealing with alcoholism while his partner battles cancer.

I'm sorry for your situation, but I am so glad you are here. Let us surround you with comforting prayers and support so that you can concentrate on healing.

Hugs and prayers,
Cats

posiesperson

I want to lend my thoughts and prayers to you, Fun2Dress. I, too, am sorry that you are having to deal with this.

In the area where I live the local hospice organization has a program where families can receive counseling and children can get connected with resources that will continue throughout the parent's treatment and beyond, no matter the outcome. That includes getting connected with resources in the event that one parent is ill/incapacitated, and the other parent is not equipped to adequately care for the children. It might be worth looking into something like that...?

As for your AH, my heart goes out to you. I echo what was said about consulting an attorney and State regulations about staying on his insurance even if you're not married, or obtaining public insurance. I look back on my time with my exA and one of the things that comes back so clearly is that feeling that no matter what, I would not be as great a priority as the Vodka bottle. And there isn't a d*amn thing I could have done about that...

And from another story, my then-H managed to avoid providing financial support by losing his job--twice. I lost insurance and the kids and I ended up on State-sponsored insurance, and have been better off for it, quite frankly...it meant fewer connections/reliance on my now-EXhusband. But it definitely shook up my world at the time. Now, though, I'm so grateful.

Sending you a hug and many positive thoughts~
posie

Thelma

Um, aside from the insurance, are you even interested in leaving your AH? Would the two of you consider therapy to help deal with the stresses of every day life as well as the cancer? If he was willing to do 90 days see if he would be willing to do another while you see a counselor. At least then maybe you both can get a grip on his triggers while he's sober. Best of luck to you and your family. You certainly have alot dumped in your lap right now. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Chino

From what you posted, you're aware and buying time with your treatments. The time you're buying is very very precious and costing you greatly, and it brings tears to my eyes. The gift you're giving to your children and self, the gift of time and love, is immeasurable.

Please see an attorney. If not for yours and their immediate future, for their lives after you're gone. Who do you want to finish raising your children? Who has proven themselves trustworthy to you and your children? Answering and acting on that question, is another gift you'll give to them and yourself.

Please make a plan for their futures. It will have a domino effect and bring you so much relief.

You're all in my thoughts and prayers

lucylestrange

I second (or third or fourth or tenth) the advice to get legal counsel. Not only could you do a legal separation, there is a chance even with a divorce you could stipulate that you stay on his insurance.

That said, this has to just be destroying you emotionally. I'm so sorry you have to face all of this at once. Will keep you in my thoughts.

skarletstarlet

<3 and hugs to you. My alcoholic fiance has cancer and it is very stressful. Please think positively I think a lot of it has to do with thought patterns. Get some legal advice and hold your babies tight. I am thinking of you.