Krys

So as some of you may know I left my boyfriend last week. I bawled, and went through the grieving process while he stayed totally emotionless. The next day after crying my eyes out for 24 hours he called and wanted to talk. We met up, he cried, he begged me to come back and said he would get help. I told him we could work on things, but that I would not be moving back in. Flash forward to one week later...he calls every day to tell me he misses me, that he is lonely but that he respects my decision. I am staying with my mom and stepdad until I can get out on my own and today was the first time he didn't call, and it was also the first time I have really been alone in my moms house. Reality is crashing down. I left an apartment I loved, a man I have been with for 7 years and I am scared to death. I don't know how I am going to afford living on my own, I feel like a burden to my family which by the way now hates my boyfriend thanks to my sister telling everyone what is going on, and I feel like my every move is under a microscope. Will I leave him/won't I leave him/I am not even going to my families Easter get together because I feel like a frigging freak! I feel like they look at me like a failure, or like I am defective in some way. Weird thing is that even though I secretly wished for less contact from my bf, now that he hasn't called I am freaking out. I know the relationship wasn't healthy, but there was some level of comfort in it, and right now all I want to do is go home. :-(( I give up!! Wah. Tantrum over.

FindingJoy

Hi

Wanted to make sure that knew someone on SR is awake, here for support and understands your pain.

The pain of leaving someone we love so much because it is so toxic causes such intense pain and confusion. Why would we miss them and want to be with them after all of the hurt they have caused? We want them to stay away but really like hearing they miss us and love us. When they give the space we asked for it hurts and s damn scary.

I just broke own and called my very recent RXAB. Of course he didn't answer as he never seems to when I actually need him..

I'm thinking how do I painfully miss someone who has ripped my heart out many times over???!!!

BIG HUG

lillamy

Everything gets comfortable and familiar, even dysfunction.
It's scary to leave. It is. No doubt. But I think that the constant contact and the constant attempts from him to get you back makes it difficult for you to see all the other options you have in your life.

Trust me, it does get better. Never mind how you think people view you -- you have to look at this sort of like you would if you had to run out of a burning building in your underwear. Sure, it's not the impression you want to make on people, but once they realize you just ran out of a burning building to save your life, what you're wearing isn't going to matter.

TakingCharge999

I feel like a burden to my family which by the way now hates my boyfriend thanks to my sister telling everyone what is going on

No, they don't hate the boyfriend thanks to your sister. They hate the boyfriend thanks to HIS ACTIONS.

Good for you for not moving back in. WELL DONE. It gets easier. You are adjusting to changes and mourning, it takes time.

FindingJoy

Mourning sucks but I'm sure its better than dozens of cycles of the same insanity. Asking my HP for strength one minute at a time if necessary.

Katiekate

Hi Krys, your family doesn't think you are a freak, they love you, it's simple, and they love you enough to be concerned, they are holding their breath, because they know if you go back, you are facing more pain. Just like my family and friends did. Some things in life are just not acceptable to our families, they see us as someone they love and want to protect, truth be told, my family was right, and I was smart enough to see it, my sickness became their sickness. It is so difficult for the people who love us watch us change into unhappy, combative, depressed, people. We think we can hide it, but we can't. They walk around on eggshells because they hurt for us. They just want you back, that's all. It's okay to feel like a screw up, we put a lot of time and energy into our relationships, and our friends and family see us stuggle day in and day out, the day the A is being nice is the best day of the year, they other days, the days the A is hating, we turn into and our family and friend hear it , see it, and hurt over it.

It took time for me to get comfortable again being around people who love me, I didn't trust it, didn't feel like I deserved it, he did that to me, not my family, they love you Krys, accept that love , it will help you to see how valuable you truly are. And if you can, try to get to that Easter dinner, it just might be the first step to seeing how much you are loved.

:ghug3

Seren

Oh Krys! I'm sorry you are hurting.

I'd be willing to be that your family does not think of you as a freak. I felt that way, too, when my divorce started and I had to move home for a couple of months to save a bit of money. I thought everyone was staring at me like I was defective and a failure--they were actually just concerned about me, and did not know how to express it so they 'hovered'.

Please be gentle with yourself as you go through this process. You deserve to be happy!

Krys

Thanks guys, it's good to know I am not the only one who struggled with this, it helps me feel like less of a freak. After the initial breakdown last week I started to feel really strong, so this is pretty confusing. If I thought getting on a plane and flying to a remote island for a few weeks would help I would...but it's my own damn brain I am trying to escape! lol. My therapist has me reading Codependent No More and Reinventing Your Life. My head is flooded with information telling me the way I have been living my life is all sorts of backwards. Reinventing Your Life is great so far, lots of info on how to change certain beliefs/behaviors/personality traits that lead us down this path with toxic relationships. It's helping but it also leads to confusion...am I feeling this way because I have abandonment issues or do I really miss him? My head is spinning!! lol. I find myself over analyzing everything when it comes to my feelings and his words/actions. My brain hurts! It's like some kind of codependent/love detox. urg

fourmaggie

and went through the grieving process

you have not gone throught the WHOLE GREIVING PROCESS....look into it...there are 5 but some say 7 stages....

whats healthy for you? are you going to AL ANON meetings?

i sense a RED FLAG for him not calling...binging perhaps?...he does not seem all that desperate now, now does he?

wise choice to stay at your parents and not move in....GIVE YOURSELF alot of TIME and PATIENCE....

Krys

No, no binge, he has his son this weekend and he does not drink around him...not enough to get drunk anyway. I think he is either baiting me (he has been trying to figure out if I really want to work on things, I think he senses my uncertainty) or he is just not as desperate because he is not alone with his son there. It makes me very anxious, why call everyday to profess your love just to disappear? I guess it could be that he doesn't really love me and that he just needs someone...anyone around to make him feel better. He was kind of like this when we were dating, he would go a couple of days without calling. Part of it was just inexperience with relationships (I was his first serious gf) and part of it was just lack of consideration. I guess it doesn't matter, I need to work on myself and learn to be ok with being alone. I am also faced with overwhelming fear. I have never lived alone before and here I left everything behind to do it, it is really scary.

LifeRecovery

Stages of grief helped me too. Denial, bargaining, depression, anger and acceptance. They are not a linear progression and you can circle more than once (I am going through a second time with out the denial this time and I have not done acceptance).

The first number of months were awfully challenging for me. Harder actually than the initial few weeks. I did learn that beating myself up on how hard it was did not make it any better.

Take care.

Krys

I feel like such a mess...everyone keeps telling me how strong I am but I feel weak and like a failure. I don't know what I am doing.

tabatha

There were many times I didn't feel like I knew what I was doing either. Too many times to count as a matter of fact. As I look back though I now wish I would have gotten out sooner than I did and many people probably feel the same way. It's scary going it alone if you haven't experienced that yet but it is far far better than living with the uncertainty and craziness of being with an addict. It can rob you of so many things that you could have pursued with a healthy partner.

fourmaggie

i am a widow...i know those feelings all too well...

you doing fine...just keep moving forward...this too shall pass...

no AL ANON?

bskeys1404

I use to stay in sick relationships because I didnt want to be alone. Hell i would ask em to marry me just so if things or excuse me ,if I finally got real bad and crazy cause I always had pretty girlfriends but I never felt like I was a goodlooking guy or a hot chick would even want to go out with me. So all i ever thought was that they were always cheating on me. I'd drive them up the wall. Where are you ? What r u doing? who you with? I was so miserable yet i could not stand the thought of being alone. After i got clean and sober and started working on me real hard cause I just couldnt take it anymore I started feeling good about being alone. I got into a relationahip and things were well for awhile but I had told myself that if the relationship starts to go bad I would do everything i thought was right and if it was still bad I was gone . I was never gonna be that person again. Finally one day she said during an argument I don't think we should be together anymore. I said your absolutely right. Even though it hurt I felt so good that i was no longer with people for the wrong reasons and I could just sit with Bobby and I had tons of friends and I was ok. And I knew I would always be ok.
I have been married now for almost 2 years to a woman I can't even express in words how much she means to me. When i'm an ******* and I say something stupid and think God why did i say that? She says What can i do to help fix it? I'm like what? She helps me realize my flaws and my character defects and how good of a person I can be when I allow myself to be that person. I'm not saying dump your boyfriend and be happy now!!! I'm 38 years old. I believe when your ready to be in THAT reationship we all hope and dream for God will put somebody in your life to take that journey with . Your way to young and maybe if he gets help he will become a totally different person and that may be who your suppose to be with. I have a friend who's 27 who has been with this woman he won't marry who has two kids by two different fathers and even told him one day that she was trying to get pregnant by him so he wouldn't leave her. She's not pregnant and he s's still with her. He'snot my best friend anymore . He's let me down on several occassions so we rarely talk. I said you are the most miserable person I THINK I know.Why don't you leave ? He said because i don't want to be alone and I'm scared i will never find anybody else. She got mad at him cause he created a family on that X Box game called the Sims and she jumped all over him cause she thought THATS the real family he wanted .Like the one on the video game. If your not happy and can't be happy with yourself and who God made you to be . Then I don't think you'll be happy with anybody your ever with. Just take some time like you have. Get to know you and learn a little about you and let him get the help he needs and then see where life takes you. Life's to short to be unhappy. And you are a strong person and I think instead of questioning it when people say it i think you need to repeat it. God Bless and Best Wishes!

LifeRecovery

I think the following saying is usually used around depression....but I think it fits.

Feeling "crazy" is not a sign that you are weak, but a sign that you have been strong for too long.

I know I felt this way.

jessiec

Krys, hugs to you. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist and reading CNM! I am going to look into the other book you mentioned, as I'm still with an ABF and sorting it all out. As much as you feel like a "freak," what you are going through is so normal -- separating can be a scary and painful process (one that I've started and stopped over and over; I've never fully detached). Others on the forum made the comparison that our A's are our drug -- when we go without contact, we can go through a withdrawal. The nervousness/anxiety/depression I feel when I've stopped contact with my A made me understand his complicated, toxic relationship with alcohol a bit better. Best wishes, love.

skarletstarlet

Hi Krys,

I too loved my apartment with my alcoholic fiance. We had been together 5 years however he was only drinking heavily for one. Strange how material things have an influence over you. I miss my independence. I hate living with my parents and raising my kids here. I miss the comfortableness of being with him.

I don't miss the name calling, the accusations, only hearing his side of the story, the aggression, the constant downer moods, the drinks in the bathroom to hide the issue..

My counsellor told me, you may miss the place.. but remember what the atmosphere was like.

Me, I still can't bring myself to take engaged off my facebook profile.. Sigh.

Krys

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate the support. It is a lot harder than I thought it would be. It's funny how quickly you forget the bad times and focus on the good when you aren't in the middle of it anymore. Part of me wants to run and get on with my life and then the next day I feel like I am making a huge mistake. We agreed to work on things, but honestly I don't know how he can win back my trust, even if he does get help. Either way I go I feel like there is a huge mountain I have to climb to get to the other side. It is so daunting. Scarlet it seems as though we are going through the same thing (minus the kids). Since we agreed to work things out I haven't changed my relationship status on FB and neither has he...I dread the day when one of us has to do it. Funny how something that was so small and easy to put up is so scary and heartbreaking to take down.

skarletstarlet

Took the words right out of my mouth. IMO its no easier for you without the kids but be sort of thankful there aren't any. My poor babies are stuck in the middle


For me, the FB status of being engaged is too hard to take down. I became engaged 2 days before I delivered my son. I was the second person in our high school to be engaged since high school ended (and we are the only couple to have kids together and be engaged). I feel like we failed. My parents neighbours talk a lot of trash too and I feel like they smile and say "another failed teenage relationship" Ugh I hate being a statistic.