I can't believe it's hitting me like this
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Great Falls, VA
Posts: 6
I can't believe it's hitting me like this
This is my first time posting anywhere, so thank you to anyone who reads this. I feel extremely distressed and lonely tonight, which seems strange to me because this is not even close to being the low point of my relationship with an alcoholic.
I have been living with an alcoholic for 4 years and we are now engaged. After a harrowing first 3 years during which he lost FIVE high paying jobs due to drinking, got his third DUI, and suffered multiple health repercussions, he was able to achieve sobriety. I supported him for the last year while he worked on staying sober and finding a job, which he finally did 3 weeks ago. The last year has been delightful, we are closer than ever, and I've truly enjoyed his company. We are such a great team - when he is sober.
HOWEVER, during the last several months, as he was becoming more depressed about his unemployment, he started "slipping up" more. At first it seemed arbitrary and situational. Then it started happening with more regularity, every 2-3 weeks or so, always on my long day at the office. Now he is working and it continues, with the difference being that I am at home now with him because he can only do it on the weekends. He claims that he needs to "get it out of his system" every 2 weeks or so, so he is less tempted to drink in between. So earlier this week he just texted me "I'm going to want beer this Saturday", which means he'll be drinking a case of beer, all day long, no matter what I say about it or what other plans were in the works.
Maybe it's the deliberateness of it. Maybe it's that I got my hopes up after having such a refreshing year. But right now, even though this is nowhere near as bad as his out of control drinking in previous years, I feel like I'm having a PTSD-like reaction. I can't even look at him. Hearing the crack of the beer can opening, smelling it on him, hearing him sneak out the door to grab another one. I feel like I'm going to lose my mind, like I'm back in that hell of 3 years ago - but even then I was much better at distancing myself from it. Right now I feel like my life, my weekend, and my happiness for us are being commandeered again by alcohol. I feel totally hopeless, I have avoided him entirely for 3 days, and I can't stop crying.
I have been living with an alcoholic for 4 years and we are now engaged. After a harrowing first 3 years during which he lost FIVE high paying jobs due to drinking, got his third DUI, and suffered multiple health repercussions, he was able to achieve sobriety. I supported him for the last year while he worked on staying sober and finding a job, which he finally did 3 weeks ago. The last year has been delightful, we are closer than ever, and I've truly enjoyed his company. We are such a great team - when he is sober.
HOWEVER, during the last several months, as he was becoming more depressed about his unemployment, he started "slipping up" more. At first it seemed arbitrary and situational. Then it started happening with more regularity, every 2-3 weeks or so, always on my long day at the office. Now he is working and it continues, with the difference being that I am at home now with him because he can only do it on the weekends. He claims that he needs to "get it out of his system" every 2 weeks or so, so he is less tempted to drink in between. So earlier this week he just texted me "I'm going to want beer this Saturday", which means he'll be drinking a case of beer, all day long, no matter what I say about it or what other plans were in the works.
Maybe it's the deliberateness of it. Maybe it's that I got my hopes up after having such a refreshing year. But right now, even though this is nowhere near as bad as his out of control drinking in previous years, I feel like I'm having a PTSD-like reaction. I can't even look at him. Hearing the crack of the beer can opening, smelling it on him, hearing him sneak out the door to grab another one. I feel like I'm going to lose my mind, like I'm back in that hell of 3 years ago - but even then I was much better at distancing myself from it. Right now I feel like my life, my weekend, and my happiness for us are being commandeered again by alcohol. I feel totally hopeless, I have avoided him entirely for 3 days, and I can't stop crying.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: FL
Posts: 1,072
So sorry to hear about your situation. My gut feeling is to say that if you are not married to run away from this relationship. If you choose to stay it could be this way and worse over the years. You can't make him quit, he has to want it.
Take care of yourself first. You deserve to be happy. You will get good advise here and lots of support.
Good luck and peace be with you.
Take care of yourself first. You deserve to be happy. You will get good advise here and lots of support.
Good luck and peace be with you.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Welcome to SR. So sorry for your reason for finding us, but I'm glad you did. You will find a lot of support here. Please take the time to read the stickie posts at the top of this forum. There is a ton of helpful information there.
Unfortunately, you have a decision to make. If you aren't ready to totally leave the relationship, at the very least, I hope you will put any marriage plans off until you are sure of what you are getting yourself legally bound to.
To be honest, it doesn't sound like he is at all ready to give up alcohol, and until he does, you will always come second. That doesn't necessarily mean that he loves alcohol more than you, it just means that at this point in time, alcohol is more important. Please think long and hard about whether you want to marry someone who is going to drink regardless of how it affects your relationship. It is time for you to set some boundaries for yourself as to what you will and will not accept.
Please read around the forum and post as often as you want. We understand where you are and we're here to support you.
Unfortunately, you have a decision to make. If you aren't ready to totally leave the relationship, at the very least, I hope you will put any marriage plans off until you are sure of what you are getting yourself legally bound to.
To be honest, it doesn't sound like he is at all ready to give up alcohol, and until he does, you will always come second. That doesn't necessarily mean that he loves alcohol more than you, it just means that at this point in time, alcohol is more important. Please think long and hard about whether you want to marry someone who is going to drink regardless of how it affects your relationship. It is time for you to set some boundaries for yourself as to what you will and will not accept.
Please read around the forum and post as often as you want. We understand where you are and we're here to support you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
GFG,
The sad truth is, you are back to where you were 3 years ago: he's drinking.
Everything else is noise. Not how much he drinks, not the "lack" of consequences, not when he drinks... he drinks. And he will continue to drink until he is right back where he started, and keep on going.
Assuming he is an alcoholic (and it sure sounds that way to me), he can't "get it out of his system." It IS him, and it will always be that way. I don't care what program you work to achieve sobriety (AA was my way back), if you can't accept the simple fact that you are and will remain an alcoholic till the last breath you take, you're not going to make it.
But you can't make him understand or accept anything. And some people never manage to get and stay sober, unfair though it may be, they die from the disease. The question is - what are YOU going to do about this? You can leave, stay and act like its just a phase, or something in between.
I highly recommend Al Anon, if for nothing else than the ability to talk face to face with people who know where you are coming from and the opportunity to get some perspective other than your own on this.
The sad truth is, you are back to where you were 3 years ago: he's drinking.
Everything else is noise. Not how much he drinks, not the "lack" of consequences, not when he drinks... he drinks. And he will continue to drink until he is right back where he started, and keep on going.
Assuming he is an alcoholic (and it sure sounds that way to me), he can't "get it out of his system." It IS him, and it will always be that way. I don't care what program you work to achieve sobriety (AA was my way back), if you can't accept the simple fact that you are and will remain an alcoholic till the last breath you take, you're not going to make it.
But you can't make him understand or accept anything. And some people never manage to get and stay sober, unfair though it may be, they die from the disease. The question is - what are YOU going to do about this? You can leave, stay and act like its just a phase, or something in between.
I highly recommend Al Anon, if for nothing else than the ability to talk face to face with people who know where you are coming from and the opportunity to get some perspective other than your own on this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
GF, your description of his alcohol career doesn't include any recovery on his part. He drank steadily and disastrously for three years of your relationship, then during this fourth year, he has also been drinking. It sounds as if he white-knuckled for a few months then simply resumed active drinking and has continued to be an active alcoholic.
So, in spite of your sincere hopes to make a life with him, he is still in active addiction and unable to make a life with you in any healthy or safe manner.
It is extremely painful for us when we face this reality. We know we can either martyr ourselves in service to his love affair with the drug and accept a miserable relationship with a miserable man. Or we can leave.
Both create pain.
But the second option contains the possibility of hope. Because when people start refusing to cooperate with an addict's addiction--when they start firing him from jobs, when they start putting him in jail for driving drunk, and when they start breaking up in relationship with him--there is hope he will hit a hard, devastating bottom, and seek recovery. Every aspect of his life needs to fail.
You'll need your own recovery, whether you stay or go. Because a relationship with an active alcoholic will create crisis in your life, ongoing, and you will need support. You will also need support if you leave him, because you will want him back, he will likely try to get you back, and the roller coaster will go on. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with an active alcoholic. And that is who he is and has been. He has never been sober. Just dry for a short time. Maybe.
Al-Anon meetings have excellent literature for you, free pamphlets that have amazing advice, and members who have ridden the roller coaster and have learned to take care of themselves and not the alcoholic. They stopped being enablers, which was wonderful for both them and the alcoholics.
Welcome to SR. This is a place of recovery.
So, in spite of your sincere hopes to make a life with him, he is still in active addiction and unable to make a life with you in any healthy or safe manner.
It is extremely painful for us when we face this reality. We know we can either martyr ourselves in service to his love affair with the drug and accept a miserable relationship with a miserable man. Or we can leave.
Both create pain.
But the second option contains the possibility of hope. Because when people start refusing to cooperate with an addict's addiction--when they start firing him from jobs, when they start putting him in jail for driving drunk, and when they start breaking up in relationship with him--there is hope he will hit a hard, devastating bottom, and seek recovery. Every aspect of his life needs to fail.
You'll need your own recovery, whether you stay or go. Because a relationship with an active alcoholic will create crisis in your life, ongoing, and you will need support. You will also need support if you leave him, because you will want him back, he will likely try to get you back, and the roller coaster will go on. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with an active alcoholic. And that is who he is and has been. He has never been sober. Just dry for a short time. Maybe.
Al-Anon meetings have excellent literature for you, free pamphlets that have amazing advice, and members who have ridden the roller coaster and have learned to take care of themselves and not the alcoholic. They stopped being enablers, which was wonderful for both them and the alcoholics.
Welcome to SR. This is a place of recovery.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Educate yourself. Try different Al Anon meetings. Read here at SR. I read everything I could get my hands on (10 book from the library!) and finally went, "oh, there is absolutely NOTHING I can do but get out."
Two really helpful books for me were "Under The Influence" by Milam and "Codependent No More" by melody beattie. Especially the chapter on detachment in that one.
Hugs to you, sweetie. You are not alone. I am separated from my kind, funny, handsome husband of 16 years. He is also an alcoholic. It breaks my heart to see him suffer, but for his dignity and my own, I had to let him go.
Two really helpful books for me were "Under The Influence" by Milam and "Codependent No More" by melody beattie. Especially the chapter on detachment in that one.
Hugs to you, sweetie. You are not alone. I am separated from my kind, funny, handsome husband of 16 years. He is also an alcoholic. It breaks my heart to see him suffer, but for his dignity and my own, I had to let him go.
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
I'm a big believer in the concept of relationship "dealbreakers"--things that just can't be tolerated in a relationship. Most dealbreakers are individual things and vary a lot from person to person, except for three things. These are universal dealbreakers that are NEVER acceptable because they make the relationship impossible. These are:
1. Affairs
2. Abuse
3. Addiction
You've got a dealbreaker here. One that can be resolved, of course, but one which he appears to have no interest in resolving (this business of "I need to get drunk every two weeks" is nonsense, you know that, right?).
Seems to me that the answer is pretty clear.
1. Affairs
2. Abuse
3. Addiction
You've got a dealbreaker here. One that can be resolved, of course, but one which he appears to have no interest in resolving (this business of "I need to get drunk every two weeks" is nonsense, you know that, right?).
Seems to me that the answer is pretty clear.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
GF,
Your story could be my story... and hundreds an maybe many thousands of other women on this forum. We are convinced that the man of our dreams is being suffocated by the disease of alcoholism and we are consumed with the belief that our love combined with our intense efforts cannot fail and that our story will be the exception... the happy ending and the beautiful relationship and life is just beyond the next horizon.
I invested four years of my life into someone that I truly believed was going to defy the odds... so did all of his family, friends and business associates. While his recovery was uneven at times the last year and half was full of successes in every area of his life...and damaged and broken relationships were restored with his family and his children.
I love the ocean and he loves golf but I agreed to move to a fabulous golf community with him and we found a dream house and were so excited about our future. We barely moved in and he drank ... I simply could not believe that he would jeopardize everything so stupidly.
And that is the scary and baffling part of this disease... EVEN if they enter into a strong program of recovery in the beginning it can all come apart at the seams if they do not consistently, faithfully continue to work their program every single day.
He didn't... he got complacent, lazy and irresponsible about his recovery. I actually saw it coming (building up to use) and I pointed it out to him but he shot me down. I had already established an alcohol free boundary for myself so how he handled his part of that agreement by insuring he didn't drink was his responsibility and not mine.
I don't know if he had been closet drinking before his trip but he went out of town on business and completely lost control and began drinking to blackout. For him this is an immediate slide into complete chaos in his life and usually drags me down with him.
But this time it was different. He was not some helpless victim... he had chosen to drink when he had enough recovery knowledge and experience to keep himself safely sober.
No... I had fallen in love with his potential and had very much influenced the outcomes of the past 4 years. I could have chosen to continue to try to "force" his recovery and stayed on the crazy train of sobriety, relapse over and over and over again forever with him depending on me to "rescue him" from his alcoholic vacations from reality... OR I could choose to get off at the next station.
I got off the train.
Sadly... I loved the potential in this man. We COULD have been so happy! We have been so happy... many, many times. We had financial freedom, we were going to travel extensively, he was surrounded by hundreds of holes of championship golf courses living in his dream home and he chose to destroy it all because he loved alcohol more.
Period. He loved alcohol more. More than me. More than his beautiful children. More than ANYTHING. He consciously, knowingly decided to try to secretly drink and it unraveled his life.
And had I rescued him and forced rehab by force of will of my strong controlling nature it would have been a temporary fix and a nightmare of pain and stress on my part.
Instead... for the last year and half I have been in real recovery myself and long before he picked up a drink I had let him go to our HP.
So... that is my story. You are writing your story every minute and every day. Like they choose we also choose an our decisions determine our destiny.
Don't write his story. You cannot fall in love with potential. It's disastrous. Look at your love and determine if you love him at his worst if that is all there is. It may very well be.
Instead... it is wisdom to continue to be a force for good without the controlling. For control freaks this is hard. Alanon and lots of books... this forum and a good counselor can be HUGE helps to change our broken thinking.
I am OK!!!! In fact... I love the ocean and because I trusted my A with my future I now live in a gorgeous golf facility! So... I called up my girlfriends and we are all going to take golf lessons. I am making some lemonade with my little batch of lemons! Lol.
And I will visit my beloved ocean often (I live in Florida so its only an hour) and am planning trips with friends instead of my XA.
And my A? He was quacking like crazy 6 and 7 times a day. Leaving crazy drunken vms from Las Vegas. Been drinking nonstop and gambling for 7 weeks now. Says the alcohol no longer affects him and he can't lose (says he knows what the cards are before they fall and is suspicious it might be the devil helping him).
I have been religiously no contact and NOT ENABLING or rescuing. The quacks became less frequent and my phone hasn't quacked in four days.
I know this is long but I strongly suggest you build a life for yourself and not focus on his life and recovery. Had I done this my life would be completely different right now! I changed my world to rescue him and he didn't even want it... really. He wanted to drink and he wanted me too... he wanted it all and was trying to figure out how to do it. He THOUGHT I was going to do what I always did and not what I said!
He was wrong. I have moved on. He miscalculated my codiness addiction. I am free. Free at last.
You too can be free. Free to choose. Free to live. Free to be happy and at peace. Start the journey one minute one day at a time.
Happy Easter and good wishes and prayers your way.
Your story could be my story... and hundreds an maybe many thousands of other women on this forum. We are convinced that the man of our dreams is being suffocated by the disease of alcoholism and we are consumed with the belief that our love combined with our intense efforts cannot fail and that our story will be the exception... the happy ending and the beautiful relationship and life is just beyond the next horizon.
I invested four years of my life into someone that I truly believed was going to defy the odds... so did all of his family, friends and business associates. While his recovery was uneven at times the last year and half was full of successes in every area of his life...and damaged and broken relationships were restored with his family and his children.
I love the ocean and he loves golf but I agreed to move to a fabulous golf community with him and we found a dream house and were so excited about our future. We barely moved in and he drank ... I simply could not believe that he would jeopardize everything so stupidly.
And that is the scary and baffling part of this disease... EVEN if they enter into a strong program of recovery in the beginning it can all come apart at the seams if they do not consistently, faithfully continue to work their program every single day.
He didn't... he got complacent, lazy and irresponsible about his recovery. I actually saw it coming (building up to use) and I pointed it out to him but he shot me down. I had already established an alcohol free boundary for myself so how he handled his part of that agreement by insuring he didn't drink was his responsibility and not mine.
I don't know if he had been closet drinking before his trip but he went out of town on business and completely lost control and began drinking to blackout. For him this is an immediate slide into complete chaos in his life and usually drags me down with him.
But this time it was different. He was not some helpless victim... he had chosen to drink when he had enough recovery knowledge and experience to keep himself safely sober.
No... I had fallen in love with his potential and had very much influenced the outcomes of the past 4 years. I could have chosen to continue to try to "force" his recovery and stayed on the crazy train of sobriety, relapse over and over and over again forever with him depending on me to "rescue him" from his alcoholic vacations from reality... OR I could choose to get off at the next station.
I got off the train.
Sadly... I loved the potential in this man. We COULD have been so happy! We have been so happy... many, many times. We had financial freedom, we were going to travel extensively, he was surrounded by hundreds of holes of championship golf courses living in his dream home and he chose to destroy it all because he loved alcohol more.
Period. He loved alcohol more. More than me. More than his beautiful children. More than ANYTHING. He consciously, knowingly decided to try to secretly drink and it unraveled his life.
And had I rescued him and forced rehab by force of will of my strong controlling nature it would have been a temporary fix and a nightmare of pain and stress on my part.
Instead... for the last year and half I have been in real recovery myself and long before he picked up a drink I had let him go to our HP.
So... that is my story. You are writing your story every minute and every day. Like they choose we also choose an our decisions determine our destiny.
Don't write his story. You cannot fall in love with potential. It's disastrous. Look at your love and determine if you love him at his worst if that is all there is. It may very well be.
Instead... it is wisdom to continue to be a force for good without the controlling. For control freaks this is hard. Alanon and lots of books... this forum and a good counselor can be HUGE helps to change our broken thinking.
I am OK!!!! In fact... I love the ocean and because I trusted my A with my future I now live in a gorgeous golf facility! So... I called up my girlfriends and we are all going to take golf lessons. I am making some lemonade with my little batch of lemons! Lol.
And I will visit my beloved ocean often (I live in Florida so its only an hour) and am planning trips with friends instead of my XA.
And my A? He was quacking like crazy 6 and 7 times a day. Leaving crazy drunken vms from Las Vegas. Been drinking nonstop and gambling for 7 weeks now. Says the alcohol no longer affects him and he can't lose (says he knows what the cards are before they fall and is suspicious it might be the devil helping him).
I have been religiously no contact and NOT ENABLING or rescuing. The quacks became less frequent and my phone hasn't quacked in four days.
I know this is long but I strongly suggest you build a life for yourself and not focus on his life and recovery. Had I done this my life would be completely different right now! I changed my world to rescue him and he didn't even want it... really. He wanted to drink and he wanted me too... he wanted it all and was trying to figure out how to do it. He THOUGHT I was going to do what I always did and not what I said!
He was wrong. I have moved on. He miscalculated my codiness addiction. I am free. Free at last.
You too can be free. Free to choose. Free to live. Free to be happy and at peace. Start the journey one minute one day at a time.
Happy Easter and good wishes and prayers your way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: holyoke mass
Posts: 23
Question
My now xabf came home from a SHORT stay at rehab. He has been calling texting because he can;t remember what he did with a few items in his house. Asking me if I can recall where they are. Should I answer or leave it alone?
I have been doing well attending meetings etc. I have not answered I feel if I do it will start all over again. It has been three weeks with no contact.
I have been doing well attending meetings etc. I have not answered I feel if I do it will start all over again. It has been three weeks with no contact.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ny/nj
Posts: 182
Welcome, and I am so sorry for your loss. The loss of the "refreshing" sober life you wanted so badly. It sucks when they continue the addiction, despite the obvious effects. I'm sure I'm not the first one here to say:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
Let yourself grieve. I SO know the PTSD reaction. I ended my 20 year relationship to my ex-fiance when he was so proud of not lying to me, and told me he was drinking with his buddies on a hunting trip. The whole crazy, alcoholic mess spooled out in front of me, and I was done.
I lost my ability to maintain a positive illusion about him. Now I just see him for what he is, an addict. I still love him, I still miss the sober, kind him, but that is not who he could be 24/7.
Good luck. Be kind to yourself.
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
Let yourself grieve. I SO know the PTSD reaction. I ended my 20 year relationship to my ex-fiance when he was so proud of not lying to me, and told me he was drinking with his buddies on a hunting trip. The whole crazy, alcoholic mess spooled out in front of me, and I was done.
I lost my ability to maintain a positive illusion about him. Now I just see him for what he is, an addict. I still love him, I still miss the sober, kind him, but that is not who he could be 24/7.
Good luck. Be kind to yourself.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
3C'S
you did not cause this
you cant control this
and there is no cure
1st things 1st...what do you want out of this relationship? does he give you love and support?
2nd, he needs to do recovery when HE is ready, not because someone tell him...
are you in AL ANON? time to look for a meeting?
you did not cause this
you cant control this
and there is no cure
1st things 1st...what do you want out of this relationship? does he give you love and support?
2nd, he needs to do recovery when HE is ready, not because someone tell him...
are you in AL ANON? time to look for a meeting?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
three a's I had never heard of- yep- dealbreakers for me.......now 5 years post divorce I am so much better off....I remember hating the sound of the beer cans opening- about every 8 minutes.....the feeling of what catastrophie will happen today- and holidays were the worst !? It got better when I saw it how it was and not how I wanted it to be.......the real deal......he was a drunk, irresponsible, no security, lies, disapointment, we didn't have the same values......were grew apart.....my XAH I am afraid will be one of those who will die of this disease......if 51 % of him wants to use.....he will use.......I was lonely in the marriage.......Now I am single but not lonely...... I have a huge recovery family who are healthy !
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Great Falls, VA
Posts: 6
Thank you so much everyone
Lots of good wishes and thoughts and advice that are making me cry some more and that I will be mulling over. I really appreciate having people to chat with who understand what I'm experiencing.
This is my first foray into the support community, so I have not joined Al-Anon yet. I'm also a locally respected mental health professional and I think I have hesitated because I feel like I should know better.
I still haven't talked to my A (getting some of the lingo down, that one makes me laugh :-)) He is sober today and so expects to make up and pretend that everything is ok. I don't feel like everything is ok. Adding to this, my birthday is this week and I know he planned something important next weekend with my parents for me. So it feels like pressure to smile and enjoy it. When not drinking he is much more thoughtful and supportive and insightful and self-reflective than most. He has helped me build my practice and has also made significant personal and lifestyle changes to ensure our lives are happy and stable in other ways. In every way but this really important one.
It's a relief to be talking this out.
This is my first foray into the support community, so I have not joined Al-Anon yet. I'm also a locally respected mental health professional and I think I have hesitated because I feel like I should know better.
I still haven't talked to my A (getting some of the lingo down, that one makes me laugh :-)) He is sober today and so expects to make up and pretend that everything is ok. I don't feel like everything is ok. Adding to this, my birthday is this week and I know he planned something important next weekend with my parents for me. So it feels like pressure to smile and enjoy it. When not drinking he is much more thoughtful and supportive and insightful and self-reflective than most. He has helped me build my practice and has also made significant personal and lifestyle changes to ensure our lives are happy and stable in other ways. In every way but this really important one.
It's a relief to be talking this out.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
It's a relief to be talking this out.
I'm also a locally respected mental health professional and I think I have hesitated because I feel like I should know better.
Like I married my alcoholic ex husband in an unconscious attempt to fix my own childhood.
I guess I am trying to say take yourself off the hook about knowing better.
None of us know better until we learn better. Geez, that sounds awkward.
I will stop now.
LOL
Beth
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
[QUOTE=GFGardener;3354956]
Adding to this, my birthday is this week and I know he planned something important next weekend with my parents for me. So it feels like pressure to smile and enjoy it. QUOTE]
:day1:day1:day1
Glad you found us too and wishing you a fabulous birthday with your family!
Adding to this, my birthday is this week and I know he planned something important next weekend with my parents for me. So it feels like pressure to smile and enjoy it. QUOTE]
:day1:day1:day1
Glad you found us too and wishing you a fabulous birthday with your family!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ny/nj
Posts: 182
It would be great if being in the healing professions (as I am) gave us special immunity from getting involved with substance abusers. Sigh.....
Hope your holiday, if you celebrate was peaceful. If you try Al-Anon, try several groups if the first one doesn't feel like a good fit. And read, read, read.
For laughs, read the QUACKS. I'm sure you will (unfortunately) find some stuff that's come out of your A's mouth verbatim.
Carry on.
Hope your holiday, if you celebrate was peaceful. If you try Al-Anon, try several groups if the first one doesn't feel like a good fit. And read, read, read.
For laughs, read the QUACKS. I'm sure you will (unfortunately) find some stuff that's come out of your A's mouth verbatim.
Carry on.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Great Falls, VA
Posts: 6
Repeating the past
[QUOTE The mental health professionals I have encountered with my problems or those of my children were all products of addicted or dysfunctional homes.
Like I married my alcoholic ex husband in an unconscious attempt to fix my own childhood QUOTE]
Indeed. After several years of my own therapy I was able to set much better boundaries with my parents. Happily, my relationships with them have improved greatly. Guess I have to learn those lessons more than once though :burned
Like I married my alcoholic ex husband in an unconscious attempt to fix my own childhood QUOTE]
Indeed. After several years of my own therapy I was able to set much better boundaries with my parents. Happily, my relationships with them have improved greatly. Guess I have to learn those lessons more than once though :burned
Professional Drunk
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 465
Hi GFgardener....my ex-gf could have written that post to describe our 5 year relationship. I got a DUI, lost 3 jobs, and was generally a miserable drunk for the duration of our time together. Towards the end, I got a job and cut down on the booze, but then she went away for work and came home during the day to find me passed out drunk when I should have been working. That was the 'final straw' and she called the police to have me removed from the condo. I left and entered treatment, but I did too much damage to save the relationship. It was best for both of us, but I still feel guilt and shame for the chaos I caused. She also stayed with me because of my 'potential', but it became clear that I was hopelessly addicted to alcohol and my potential would never pan out as such. I think you did the right thing by letting go of him....he needs to fix it on his own.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Leominster, Ma
Posts: 119
BOY did I identify with these old feelings. GOD you hit it on the nail, this is exactly how i used to feel although I knew mine was drinking but he was hiding the bottles in the attic and basement ceilings, garage, woods, trash, toilet etc. It never ends, it gets worse, we trust, they lie, we distrust and hurt, they lie...you are so powerless over this situation. Please understand that he is sick and needs help, it will get worse, it will progress if he continues to drink. I feel for you very strongly, I really do, I've been there. m
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