soberred

I am on two weeks sober (again). I told my BF when I quit this time that this was it. I cannot drink anymore. Not a drop. He really never responded. I figured he"got it". I mean he has kicked me out so many times due to my drinking. I thought he would be okay with it. We went out on Wednesday to bike night to eat dinner and listen to a band. At dinner, he ordered me a drink. Sat it right in front of me. I was stunned. I sat there looking at him in disbelieve. I couldn't say anything as the place was very packed and people were within ear shot of every conversation. So the drink sat in front of me for the entire dinner. I pushed it over his way and told him I didn't want it. I was hurt. Why is it okay to drink with him and have him freak out when I drink alone? How could he not realize how I am struggling? I truly feel he wants me to continue to drink with him despite my addiction. Maybe because I have failed so many times, he feels this is just temporary. God I wish he could support me.

Leemzer

Maybe with you changing it will cause him to self-reflect which he is NOT wanting to do? Just a thought...it is the same with people going on diets and other people trying to get them to eat bad or take them to a restaurant as temptation.....I have had to tell several friends already about this, and it is NOT pleasant, so I feel you. I will tell you this, though, because I noticed it when I went 10 months without it: People get over it and used to it and gradually they stop bugging you.....perhaps you will be an impetus for him to look at himself and his behaviors a little more closely....but he might not want to, so be prepared for that. Right now your sobriety is what counts....above all else.

sugarbear1

Maybe he's just confused. You two have established patterns of behavior in the time you've been together. Resolve to stay stopped for you. Push those drinks away. You can get through this. Maybe in time he'll change his behavior.

I'm happy to see you are trying again! I know you can do this because you are worth this!
Love,

Bledsoe

Congrats on not drinking.

With that said, lose the loser. That's the first adjective that popped into my mind. You deserve better for yourself.

Ain't nothing wrong with being single working on your first year of sobriety. I actually enjoy it.

Almost 8 months for me, maybe this is a journey better traveled by you and your Higher Power at the moment...

bayliss

Congrats on your continued sobriety Soberred.
Sorry to hear that your boyfriend did that to you...sometimes they just don't realize what they are doing or the struggles we have with our addiction.
In the past when I quit drinking my boyfriend was definitely supportive but if I ended up buying a bottle of wine he wouldn't really say anything.
He has definitely gotten mad at me in the past for my drinking so sometimes it is confusing. Definitely have to sit him down and tell him that I really need some time totally sober. Not sober during the week and drinking on weekends but at least 30 days...and then when I reach that, I know I will keep going.

Maybe you need to really sit him down and talk to him - let him know that what he did hurt you...and that this time you are done.

Kudos to you though for not drinking...if that were me...at this point...I would have drank it...and I would have been so disappointed in myself.

soberred

He doesn't have a drinking problem. He can have 3 or 4 drinks and then stop without a problem. My guess is that alcohol makes me lose my inhibitions. It's purely selfish on his part. Leaving him is not an option right now. Too emotionally invested

lucidelusions

What happens when you drink alone for him to freak? I can't imagine it being easy for a person to understand addiction if they are not an addict themselves. Being a male, take it from me, it is not necessarily a question of support, but there is the possibility that form tends to guide. I'm sure he will get sick of being 'double parked' and soon enough realize the deal.

harleyq

Soberred, Props to you for not drinking! It sucks that you do not feel support from him. I didn't get much understanding from my husband at first, but he eventually became supportive. I think some of it is that they don't understand the way that a problem drinker thinks and they don't know what to do.

soberred

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I drink at home. I don't go out to bars, I don't cheat. Nothing happens.

2granddaughters

I had to quit hanging out where I used to hang out with the people that I used to hang out with if I was going to get sober.
I found that the oldtimers changed their habits. They said that if I hung out at the bar "just for the band" that someone was going to put a drink in front of me. Not their fault, it was my fault.
The drinkers aren't concerned for my safety. I have to be concerned for my safety.

All the best.

Bob R

DayTrader

that tells me you (like me), the one who's IN it, who's EXPERIENCING it.....didn't always "get it." So if YOU (and I) haven't always gotten it, how can he be expected to get it? He'll probably never EVER get it.....not at the level you need to anyway. ........and really, he doesn't HAVE to get it......you (and I) have to.

Here's the thing about "support" from MY experience. I NEVER got enough. Never. Not that I didn't get a lot....I'm sure I did. I'm overly sensitive......I'm very self-absorbed.....I think everything should kinda revolve around me. Because of that mindset......I used to think that MY sobriety was contingent upon what others did. I didn't really want to get me sober, I wanted to get other ppl to do it for me. I don't think I thought those words but my actions spoke them.

In recovery (I'm in AA), I've learned that I need to grow up (even at 43). I need to start ACTING like a responsible person does. I need to change my actions, I need to be responsible for my own recovery....and I need to do it in SPITE of whether I get what I want from others. What, he/she/they don't support me so I should go kill myself again? ....doesn't make too much sense, yanno.

And on another note........if recovering from alcoholism was dependant upon "support".......I suspect most of us wouldn't get sober and get happy. It's tough to find support a lot of the times. Sure, ppl offer but it's not always going to be available to the degree, in the form, and in the amounts we want. Finding out I can do this with a program of 12 steps, some support, and a God of my choosing.......that was liberating. My sobriety is not reliant upon what anyone (other than me) does....

Sapling

Hey soberred...You say he didn't respond when you told him this was the last time...Maybe he didn't believe you...You think it might be worth your while to sit him down and have a heart to heart?...Lay it all out there....What you expect of him for support....Why you are doing this to begin with....Honesty...Solves everything.

harleyq

I read another post about your SO and I think more is going on other than him not being supportive. But just think, you are staying sober despite it all!

soberred

Great response! Thought provoking. Thank you.

soberred

Well.

lucidelusions

Got me bugged why other than its a matter of him controlling you?

Cat626

Honesty is the best policy. I always try to lay out all the cards on the table in any situation that way everyone knows what to expect. Maybe a heart to heart is a good idea, but in my opinion not drinking for two weeks (good job btw) would be enough evidence right there. I don't know your relationship so I can't say why he did what he did. The first time I tried to stop my husband asked me when he was going to the store if I wanted beer. I don't know if he was testing me or if it was a slip. But notice I say the first time so looking back it wasn't surprising that he would do that. But he never did or never would place me in the Lions den with a cold one right in front of my face. I addressed it firmly right on the spot and he never did anything like that again. I commend your tolerance because if it was me sitting in that restaurant with a drink placed in front of me I would have walked out and left him sitting there alone. But thats me, find out what works for you and your relationship, stay firm and stick to it. Just like you he is getting used to the change in your behavior as well. Remember it is your journey and curve balls will present themselves all the time. I am three months in and I still get the feeling that my husband feels nervous that I will return to my old habits, it natural. But by sticking to my guns the second time is still my the last time I have stopped drinking. As time moves on it becomes routine and it will get easier. Good luck.

artsoul

I think that would have been hard for any of us, especially at 2 weeks in...... :ghug3

Have you talked about it since it happened? Hard to know what was in his head or if realizes how hard it is unless you talk to him. Maybe he thought it was OK for you to have just one drink and he'd be there to make sure you didn't drink too much?

In my past relationships, I had a hard time asking directly and specifically for what I needed - maybe it's a female thing(?). I figured if I told them how I felt they'd get the message, but that wasn't always the case. I would have done better, I think, to put it in simple terms: "here's what I need.... Items 1, 2 and 3". Talk to him again and see what happens.

I'm really proud of you for not having that drink, and congrats on 2 weeks!!!

Anna

Having his support would be nice, but know for sure that you can do this with or without him because you know you need to do this for you.

sober4metoday

If you've tried to quit before - you indicated you were 2 weeks sober (again) - then maybe he just doesn't believe you that this time is different? I know that when I said This Is IT! before that the message was loud and clear to those around me that I it really mean This Is IT today (or this week or this month) because sooner or later I'd drink again.

I don't know if it's so much that he doesn't support you rather than he just doesn't see anything different this time. Keep staying strong and sober! That may be the only way to get him to see that this time you are serious.

Congrats on 2 weeks!