harleyq

After months of being ok, I got overconfident and went out drinking. Again, I drank too much and made an ass out of myself and feel stupid, ashamed, and so embarrassed. My husband is taking it well, which I'm thankful for. I've already put him through hell and I thought these days were behind me. I have to get back on the horse and work my program. The thing is, I'm still trying to find my trigger. I bought some gorgeous wine glasses at the store yesterday, so it was already in my head even though I thought I'd just use the glasses for juice.

Ugh, I have to stop beating myself up over it.

Leemzer

Yes, a stumble is not a fall. Learn from it, pick yourself up, you are here amongst people who support you, and trudge forward. Sometimes in straying from the path we more solidly get back on it. Good for you for owning up to your mistakes. You are only human and today is a brand new day!

sugarbear1

The sun rose. That was my major trigger.

Then there was the lady in the grocery store, boy did she give me a resentment! Second major trigger. and then....Life in general--trigger #3. Another trigger. Point is, everything triggered me.

Now, stop letting that AV win out! You gave free entertainment to that beast. NOT what you signed up for. YOU are stronger. Ignore that beast. You can do this!!

Stay strong and stay stopped! and just do it again, today.

Sapling

No sense in beating yourself up.....The shame and guilt is enough....I've heard that relapses are premeditated...I guess buying wine glasses for juice proves that....What program are you working harleyq?

ReadyAndAble

Sorry, Harley. So are you still holding out hope of drinking moderately one day? I ask because the word "overconfident" suggests that you think or thought somewhere in the back of your mind that's a possibility... Once I embraced a plan to never ever drink another drop, confidence became a good thing, supporting a lifetime of abstinence, and rendering meaningless the wine glasses and crystal beer mugs I keep around for guests.

Good for you, examining the reasons. And it's great you are bouncing right back.

Leemzer

man I totally agree with this. I did that...held out for the hope that I could drink moderately one day....the relief was in realizing that day would NEVER come...only then have I been able to start to set myself free....Totally agree here. Thanks, RAA

lucidelusions

I'm forever letting my confidence prolong my pain. I can't stress how many years I've spent fighting the mistaken belief that I can control my habits. Best of luck.

Leemzer

Me too, after 20 years of insanity, I finally feel like I "get it." Now I must "keep it."

Leemzer

These boards are truly fascinating for me.....in others, you truly see yourself and know then, that you are not alone. Wow.

harleyq

Thanks all! In the back of my head I think I was using the fact that I wasn't drinking as hope that I would one day drink normally again. I was forgetting my Allen Carr thoughts of 'why on earth would I want to drink??' Sapling, I hadn't heard that every relapse is premeditated, but it makes sense. What I did was definitely setting myself up for it. I hope these tools will be strengthened. And that I'll use them.

Dee74

Sorry you fell for the old line Harley but don't waste too much time beating yourself up - learn the lesson to be learned there* and get back on the right road

* no matter how much time goes by me + alcohol = same result...

D

Hevyn

Hey harley. Maybe you needed that one last 'proof' that you can't touch the stuff. I know I did. I was a slow learner. In our hearts we know we can't pick up, but it's such a way of life for us - sometimes we cave without giving it much thought. I always dreamed I could be a social drinker and spent many years destroying myself only to find out it could never be.

Leemzer - Glad you are benefiting from not feeling alone. It made all the different to this life long drinker.

Lucidelusions - Well put! That was definitely me, too.

langkah

Great you're still trying. What does the Allen Carr book suggest you do in times like these?

instant

After a while I realised that I was my own trigger. Then I worked on me. I guess we could all be two steps away from drinking. I'm still working out how to be further away than that

Anna

Harley, you've learned from the experience and you can move forward. You know that you can do it.

sugarbear1

It doesn't matter what program you choose, harley, just choose one and work it. Even if you choose a little bit from column A and some from column B, DO IT!

You are worth sobriety! Life still happens, but it's so much prettier when sober!

Stay strong and stay stopped!!

ReadyAndAble

Glad you're pushing on,Harley. Seems to me you learned something very valuable.

harleyq

Thanks for the encouragement! The self-hating set in yesterday and it took effort to come out of it. Just like instant said, I am my own trigger. Part of my trigger is that I think that I *should* be able to drink normally, and I keep working on sobriety hoping at one point I'd be normal. **mind shift --> Why the H3LL do I think I should be able to drink normally? If I had read books before on Rational Recovery I would have disputed this irrational belief. I have to accept that I can't drink normally, get over it, try not to fix or challenge it and just accept that this is something I'll need to practice to guard against. SHEESH. It sucks and doesn't suck to realize all the problems you have you've created yourself.

ReadyAndAble

Yeah, I think we all go through that phase of feeling like it's some huge sacrifice (even though all we're really giving up is just a steaming pile of misery and regret.) The truth is, you're not missing anything, harley.