cb12

In February, I had a biopsy done. It's benign (*grateful*). I'm glad it's over and it was a scary time, but I was in survival mode. That mindset where you just have to get through the next hour. Sometimes, just the next minute. There's no time to "feel" things. It's just a blur.

So today, I told a friend of mine that all of this had happened. I think I may have brushed it off a bit too casually. Kind of "Oh yeah. It's benign. No biggie. I got this." But thinking about it later, I realized that I handled that situation, ie. telling this friend who cares about me that I had a biopsy done, very non-chalantly. Almost flippant. An attitude of, "Yeah that happened. I'm over it." Which is very similar to the way I address the problems with my dad.

These things (the biopsy, issues with my dad) don't seem "hard" to me. They are just the cards I was dealt. I don't really understand when people feel empathetic/sympathetic for me. I just don't see it as horribly or awful as maybe they do. It happened. There's nothing I can do about it.

Does anybody get the same way? Am I just too hard-hearted? Too numb, maybe? I'm not sure how to describe it. It feels detached in some ways. Can I be detached from myself? my feelings?

JustAYak

Yes, I believe you can be detached from your feelings. My therapist always told me I was very "shut down." She said that I didn't allow myself to feel these things because if I did when I was younger still living in the addiction, I would receive the unfair consequences by showing any emotion so I had to just do the "pick up and move on" kinda thing. It's how we evolved to deal with our dysfunctional families. I had to shut down to survive. I wasn't allowed to show fear, anger, sadness or anything because I would get chastised for it in my family, so I stopped. That behavior carries into adulthood. It's very normal for ACoAs. I still do it when I may be opening up to a friend (which is very rare...) a little bit and they give me that bug-eyed look of horror and I'm like, "No it's cool, everything's okay now. Not a big deal, really." That is something we have to "unlearn" and it's going to take a lot of work to do.

Kialua

Oh yeah. Things don't bother me as much as other people either. But like Jason said, it's a learned survival tactic. No stirring the pot, no emotions. I remember by third grade someone was mean to me and I got mad and said, "I don't even care I will probably be moving and never see you again in my life anyway," I didn't care and we did move and I never saw her again. That was my M. O. for a long time. I think I have gotten 'better' but it's taken a lifetime. I never cared. I still have a hard time feeling for things. But with my husband it's very easy.

Since you are aware of it now, it will be easier for you to take a different direction if you want to. Good luck.

cb12

SpeedyJason- thanks for your response; it really resonated with me. These experiences, where ACoAs deny feelings because they "weren't allowed", must be very subtle. I don't remember ever being told "Don't be angry" or don't feel such and such. Maybe it's that my dad never showed emotion, so I emulated him. I just didn't feel. To this day, I think I'm guessing at emotions. I really don't feel much of anything; I just say the appropriate emotion that I think normies would feel. I do cry every once in a great while. It must be a coping mechanism that I picked up to deal with my dad's addiction. It's moments like these where I realize just how far I still have on this recovery path.

cb12

Kialua- my mom has always been baffled that I don't care. She's very passionate and I never was. I didn't have many friends, I'm not really passionate about anything. I don't think people really understood that when I said I didn't care; I meant it. Serious business.
Thanks for your reply.

Willybluedog

I have really struggled lately as my therapist has opened old wound because she says they must be "healed correctly" kind of like the pain of resetting a broken bone that has healed wrong. I find that I am much more emotional now (at 50) than I have ever been.

That flippant, noncahalant attitude is our suit of armor, or in my case it was my turtle shell.

For many years I used sarcasm and humor to keep keep from getting to close. I could never admit all the things that had happened to me.

It may be as you work through all these things you will take off your armor a piece at a time and begin to feel these things, it is really hard to do, but I have found that with a good therapist, and with EMDR therapy these old hurts can heal correctly.

dollydo

For my part, Jay hit the nail on the head.

In the past I have tried to share experiences with my mother, I have learned not to, as later, she will throw it back in my face...big time, so I don't open up to her, I don't share with her. With others, if I trust them I will open up..a bit. Although I do downplay everything and am overal a very stoic person.

Chris1000101

As a kid, to survive, I had to. It’s a slow and sometimes painful process to learn how to feel. And for myself, I should probably include embarrassing to learn the appropriate times to display them.

I had to shut down as a kid. Things they would do or say would encourage that behavior. For instance: “All I did was smack your face, since you’re going to cry go cut a branch out of the tree and I’ll give you a reason.” Or when toys were taken away, normal kids would eventually get them back, mine went to the burn pile and I had to stand there and watch them burn.

It’s been a long time and I can’t help but tear and feel some of that pain today. Today I can say it’s worth learning/relearning feelings; a sense of peace and freedom that I never had before and it grows stronger as each day passes. That doesn’t mean I don’t have a pile of bricks on hand that I can use to build the walls back up today, just that I’m better at displaying and accepting them.

cb12

Yes! Yes! I use that flippant attitude or my very sarcastic sense of humor to deflect from really talking about the issue. I used it to avoid the hard conversations. If I can keep people entertained with the sarcasm, I get to avoid the subject.

Interesting that I say this, I used to work with children with Autism for their behaviors. If children can focus you on the bad behavior, they get out of doing what you asked them to do in the first place. Maybe I need some behavioral intervention? Or maybe just a therapist...

I am terrified of therapy, to be honest.

cb12

I've had these thrown in my face, although always very passively. My dad would use things I told him against my mom, and then I get blamed for the whole thing.

I've been told that I am intimidating and mean-looking. That I don't smile enough. I don't think I'm intimidating or mean; I just don't have a reason to smile all the time.

Trust has been a huge issue for me recently. I find it very difficult to open up to anyone.

cb12

Chris, I am so sorry that you went through those things. If I were to finally go to therapy and relearn feelings, I would be terrified that I would never be able to be strong again. That the store of bricks would somehow disappear. I have trouble in romantic relationships after a certain point, because as much as I want to trust and be vulnerable (which I tend to equate with expressing emotions), I just can't. I can't let go of the idea that my partner will hurt me, or use it against me.

Chris1000101

It makes no since but it is true; I learned after crossing that bridge that I was stronger on the other side. I no longer had anything to fear. It didn’t happen all at once, there are many small bridges. A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.

The bricks are there, they don’t disappear unless I chose to let go of them. Trust and being vulnerable requires risk, it’s scary. By taking the first small step I was learning how to overcome my fears. One of the greatest things I can do to express love to a friend/partner is opening myself up and risk being vulnerable. I’ve learned with those closest to me, to spoon feed them what is on my mind. If they respond in a positive manner then I’ll give them a little more. I don’t know your life story but I know with mine, that for me to drop it all at once on their lap I’ll run them off because they don’t know how to handle it.

Please don’t be sorry for me, there are some who have had it worse than I have. There are some who have been maimed for life and still others who didn’t survive the abuse of their parents. I’m grateful to have the life I do. There are things I understand today that a “normal” never will. I have choices today; I chose to face my fears and continue to learn to live a mentally healthy life. Some will never have the opportunity to learn and grown as I have.

JustAYak

((Cb)) - I am smiling at your posts, because I relate so well to you it's crazy. Smiling may be an odd reaction but it's nice to know that this all is so normal...I am not the only one out there that does these "weird" things.

I too have been told I always look "sad" or like there's something wrong because I'm not smiling or talkative all the time. To that I think, When did being quiet become such a terrible thing in society? It really bothers me when people tell me to "cheer up" when they really have no idea what I'm thinking. I'm usually feeling just fine and I'm content when they say this, but they think I'm not just because I have nothing to say or contribute to the conversation... If I tell them I'm fine, they tend not to believe me and give me questioning looks, I think that bothers me the most. Am I not trustworthy just because I'm quiet? It seems to really throw people off... I must look dead in the eyes or something.

I do think a lot of it has to do with our parents never showing anything but "negative" emotion (anger, in my case). It was unpredictable what we were coming home to when we were young so it was best to keep our emotions to ourselves and feel out the environment lest we get ridiculed for feeling. I do use humor to deflect as well, even in therapy where I should know that it's a safe place to say whatever I want and I can't do it. I can't express the real stuff, it is so hard-wired into my brain that feelings are "bad." Sometimes I just outright change topics indicating that they shouldn't push it and that I really don't want to talk about it. Living with such "protection" is awkward at best.

It's funny actually, my therapist always got annoyed with me when I would say the "Yeah, buts..." (like "Yeah, but there's nothing I can do about it."). She would tell me that those are not allowed in her office, haha (she said it in a joking manner, not meanly). She told me they are a way of brushing off anything that's happened to me, a way of ignoring what I was really feeling about the situation. A manner of moving on that just shoves down the emotion deeper and deeper.

There is nothing to be afraid of when it comes to therapy ((Cb)). You can share/express as much or as little as you would like. The counselor will push, but if you have a good one, they'll know when to stop and let it be. It's painful to dredge up the past, but I think it'll be worth it. It has helped me and it is nice to feel some relief every once in a while from sharing all that stuff we've had to push down for years and years. It's a lot of pressure to keep that kind of stuff within.

micealc

Im not great either at Feeling Compassion for myself.....I went through a Terrible Time in the Past Few Months,Prostrate Cancer Scare,,,Hearing went in my Left Ear,Pain all over my body.....But So What.....
I really should be feeling Something....but all i feel is Bundled Pain.....and Pain to me is Pain.
Im in Pain all the Time for the Past 25 years.....My name is Pain.Eckhart Toille calls this the Pain Body.....The Pain Body has taken me over.

Im trying to use the Program of ACOA and a Higher Spirit to Heal ME.
FEAR>ANGER>RESENTMENT>...is all I feel on a regular basis.
I get little glimses of Joy and Love at times.....Looking for More.

wicked

Jason,
Count me in as another "weird" ACOA. I am smiling now too.
People have also used the word intimidating when describing me. The last thing I would have said about myself. But, I think it is not the way I look so much as the vibe I put out that says Stay Away.
when someone asks, why don't you smile? I wonder why they are concerned.
I learned early that showing emotions could bring bad consequences, my response is to put up a wall, and my stay away sign.

I am doing much better now. I am recovering from alcohol and now learning about the ACoA stuff. I cannot find any meetings near me, and no response to my emails about a group.

I am not afraid like I was. I have a friendship/connection with a guy I like a lot, and we both have our trust issues. Difference this time? Actually discussing it!
Amazing what clearing the air can do, I thought it would kill me to spill my secrets.
Nope, still alive. (smiling)

cb, therapy can make you strong. write down what you expect and want to happen, and look for the right fit for you. you can do it. I did.

Beth

52 year old Adult Child

wicked

I don't think you look dead in the eyes. I think you probably look older and wiser than your years. Which you are.
When "normies" can't put you in a little box, they get nervous. That makes it their problem, not yours.
You are a good guy Jason. I know this.

Beth

tromboneliness

My Mom used to say I intimidated her-and-my-Dad's friends. A couple of them used to refer to me as "The Pope," because they felt that I sat in judgment of them. (Basically, they knew they drank too much, and I guess I didn't hide the fact that I didn't like it -- not that I ever said anything, of course; I didn't have to!).

Intimidating -- moi?

T

cb12

Stronger on the other side, huh? It doesn't seem right. My instincts say, that is so wrong. How is it possible that trusting someone and letting them know how I feel will make me stronger? It's never happened that way before, so what in world will change now? Maybe it's my approach that needs to change; my attitude that needs to change. With my outlook right about now, this change will never happen.

I guess as with most drastic changes people make in life, they are made in small steps. I want to start feeling and trusting, for what seems like the first time, it's just so foriegn to me. I'm guessing you can relate to that feeling...


Thanks so much for your reply, again.

CB

cb12

Yes! This has happened several times to me, your posts have been included in that. It's a fabulous feeling to not feel so alone.

People don't usually tell me to cheer up, the usual response I get is, "What's wrong?" or "Don't judge me, CB" I'm not judging you. Trust me, I'm in no place to judge anyone.

I don't know about you, but sitting in a room with someone and not saying a word is just fine. I don't have to talk about anything. I could just sit there and feel close enough to someone. Speech is a fabulous tool, but I don't think it's always necessary. Some times body language is sufficient enough.

I say, "Yeah, but..." ALL THE TIME! I consistantly use it when I talk to close friends about my childhood or what I'm going through. It comes out of my mouth all too often. I should start working on that too...

There is nothing to be afraid of? As I mentioned to Chris, that feels so wrong to me. It feels wrong, because trusting people has never "worked" for me in the past, so why should trusting a therapist be any different? I guess I'm very skeptical. It is asking me to trust someone that I have no history with nor connection. It took me YEARS to trust my best friends enough to talk to them. I also know that I only get out what I put in. Maybe I'll get up the courage to face this fear.

All I need to do is take baby steps, right? Baby steps are progress.

cb12

Thanks for all of your replies. This weekend was a bit hard for me, but the holiday is over and I'm so glad for that.