mayalewiston

I'm rapidly approaching the one month mark of leaving AH and still doing really well. However, I spoke to him via phone today (we can't go NC yet as we have to talk about finances, etc) and he really pushed my buttons / may have gotten my mind a bit screwed up temporarily.

He started talking about how he wants to get back together, etc and how he has been doing really well "with his drinking." I asked him what that meant, and he told me that he has realized without my controlling/nagging/etc, he no longer thinks he is an alcoholic and has changed his mind on this (he used to admit he was). He is doing a "great" job at just socially drinking and really wants to get back together but I need to stop controlling him and allowing him to have a social night out if he wants, etc. For those of you that know my story, there is no question that AH is/was an alcoholic. My question is... Is it at all possible that he is keeping it in control now that I'm not around? Is it possible he is telling the truth?

Make NO mistake, I do not want to get back together with AH, but I would be lying if I said this conversation did not get to me... I know I should know better, but there is a part of my mind that wonders if he really is doing so much better without me... and even if he is, it's likely just temporary, right?

I am focusing on me and moving on, but would love any feedback on this to put my mind at ease.... thanks!

suki44883

If alcoholics could control their drinking, they wouldn't be alcoholics. Sometimes, it is possible to control it for a while, but not for long. Eventually, they will go over their allotted limit and before long, will be right back where they started. I know this for a fact. I am an alcoholic.

However, it is possible that he isn't lying to you. He may just be lying to himself and truly believes he can control it. God knows most of us would bend ourselves into a pretzel to convince ourselves that we weren't alcoholic. Some alcoholics even die trying to convince themselves.

ODAT63

walk and keep walking, turn a deaf ear, and don't look back. It will not ever get any better unless their is complete abstinence and they figure out what is most important to them and as long as you keep putting up with the BS there is no reason to make a "committment".

The only solution to an alcoholic relationship is : Get out.

laurie6781

I know you have seen the Ads on Television with the AFLAC duck.

Well my dear, that is what he was doing ..................... QUACKING ..................... QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK

Picture that duck and hear the quack every time AH opens his mouth to speak and he will not be able to push your buttons.

What you heard was TYPICAL ALCOHOLIC

Anvil said it very well!!!!!!

Love and hugs,

mayalewiston

Thank you all!! Your responses were exactly what I needed... I think deep down I knew it, but just needed you guys to bring me back down to earth after the 15 minute brain-washing session

Laurie - I will definitely get a good vision of the duck in my head and ground myself before taking any calls from STBXAH going forward

Magichappens

((Maya))
In his mind, he might be doing great. I have seen alcoholics that were OBVIOUSLY screwed up, but they think they are doing so well. He isn't any different than the day you left, except maybe sicker. That is alcoholism.

The perfect alcoholic relationship is one where people around the alcoholic put up with anything he/she dishes out, and acts like it is ok. That is really what he is proposing to you. Woo Hoo! Hugs, Magic

Cyranoak

I'm going to pretend you never asked this question. I'm also going to pretend you never had that conversation. Good God.

SoaringSpirits

Oh my god, are we married to the SAME man?

This is exactly what my AH says. Word for word.

I had the same questions. Had he changed? Was he now a social drinker?

Wait a few months. For me it's been 11 months of separation, and just now I'm seeing that not only is he not NOT a social drinker (um, social means you drink socially --- my AH drinks alone), but I am seeing signs he's definitely progressing in his alcoholism.

Don't fall for it.

theuncertainty

OMG Thank you, Mayalewiston. I needed a chuckle. *deep breath* What a load. I'm sure, though, that he knew exactly how to say it so that the little bit of doubt and hope creeped back. Maaaaaaayyyyybeeeee....

I love my phone. The ringtone for AXH and his enablers is a duck. As far as DS knows, it's because his grandpa likes to duck hunt, but I know and for a split second, when I hear it, I can giggle.

Hopeworks

I have the quack ringtone set for XA too... it has been a huge help to strengthen my resolve to AVOID the Quacks at all costs.

tjp613

I changed the name on my AS's entry to QUACK QUACK QUACK. I didn't really think it would help me resist ...but it really does!!

So glad to hear you came back down to earth. Isn't SR wonderful???

Oh, and Anvil, your post is PRICELESS!

mayalewiston

Same exact thing here. In the past 2-3 years of realizing that he is an alcoholic, I was never separating with him because of his "social drinking." It was because he could never stay sober ALONE. I could give countless examples of this - be it finding a dozen empty vodka handles stashed around our garage in the home we had only been in for 2 months, him being MIA at the tradeshow we paid a lot of $$$ to exhibit our business in only finding out later he was sneaking off to drink (alone) in the hotel room, realizing he drove the cat and I to the vet drunk after hanging out with him all day on a Saturday, him working from home all day while I was in the house, then realizing as he's driving my mother and I to dinner that he is wasted from drinking in his office alone all day (while working!). I've got about 99999999 of these examples.

I also see the signs of the progression... I attended an al-anon meeting a couple of years ago when I first started realizing what I was dealing with. I remember hearing stories from others and thinking "he isn't that bad," etc.. well, two years later, at the still young age of 33, he has progressed SO much and is now a lot of those stories that I thought would never be him. God only knows what the next few years hold for him (... So I guess it's good thing he is cured, LOL!).