The same coversation over & over
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The same coversation over & over
My AW will ask me the same questions when she's drunk, usually 3-4 times a night. The next day when she's coherent she'll ask me the same question & I snap at her and ask her what I told her three other times last night. She says she doesn't know & I don't feel like repeating myself. I know it's not healthy to let my disgust spew out at her. I am at a loss at how to handle it in a way that doesn't upset me. When she asks me when she's coherent, all I can think of is how she was when she asked the first three times. Any advice would be welcome.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Welcome. You do have choices.
Is this the way you want to live?
Is this the type of partner and relationship you wish to base your life on?
She will drink if she's so inclined, so what are you going to do?
Sending support,
CLMI
Is this the way you want to live?
Is this the type of partner and relationship you wish to base your life on?
She will drink if she's so inclined, so what are you going to do?
Sending support,
CLMI
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Location: Better than where I was
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Originally Posted by catlovermi 
Welcome. You do have choices.
Is this the way you want to live?
Is this the type of partner and relationship you wish to base your life on?
She will drink if she's so inclined, so what are you going to do?
Sending support,
CLMI
Is this the way you want to live?
Is this the type of partner and relationship you wish to base your life on?
She will drink if she's so inclined, so what are you going to do?
Sending support,
CLMI
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
For me, regular attendance at Alanon meetings and working the steps gave me a new way to look at things in life. I learned to act, not react.
The book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie was and still is a big help in my life.
The book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie was and still is a big help in my life.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Oh Boy,
Reading your post made me just cringe. XA asking the same questions over and over, used to send me into a tailspin. All I could think was, just shut the hell up!!! Enough .
I agree with catlovermi, you do have a choice.
Sometimes, I would have to go for a walk, or a drive, just to get away from the insanity.
Perhaps, I should be ashamed to even admit this, and I am not suggesting this, but......
On more than one occasion, I fixed him a double, in hope that it would make him pass out, and I could have a little peace and quiet. All the pieces of the puzzle started coming together, and I realized this was not the quality of life I could live.
Unless you change yourself, you will get the same result every stinking time. If it means, leaving the house when she get like this, then leave.
I feel for you, my friend. Do whatever you need to do, to get yourself to a better place. Please know, you are not alone
Reading your post made me just cringe. XA asking the same questions over and over, used to send me into a tailspin. All I could think was, just shut the hell up!!! Enough .
I agree with catlovermi, you do have a choice.
Sometimes, I would have to go for a walk, or a drive, just to get away from the insanity.
Perhaps, I should be ashamed to even admit this, and I am not suggesting this, but......
On more than one occasion, I fixed him a double, in hope that it would make him pass out, and I could have a little peace and quiet. All the pieces of the puzzle started coming together, and I realized this was not the quality of life I could live.
Unless you change yourself, you will get the same result every stinking time. If it means, leaving the house when she get like this, then leave.
I feel for you, my friend. Do whatever you need to do, to get yourself to a better place. Please know, you are not alone
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
I learned that one of the most insidious effects of alcoholism is it made ME try to twist myself into a pretzel to make unacceptable things "acceptable" or trying to learn "ways" not to react to unacceptable things. Or explain things. Or minimize things. Or ignore things. Or avoid things.
It was only when I learned that the solution was to REMOVE unacceptable things that I was truly able to find peace.
Stuffing it under never worked long term - it made me sicker and in ways that would erupt. Negotiating with myself to make the unacceptable somehow magically acceptable never worked. That's just what conclusion I personally arrived at.
CLMI
It was only when I learned that the solution was to REMOVE unacceptable things that I was truly able to find peace.
Stuffing it under never worked long term - it made me sicker and in ways that would erupt. Negotiating with myself to make the unacceptable somehow magically acceptable never worked. That's just what conclusion I personally arrived at.
CLMI
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
You are asking us how to accept the alcoholic fall out. How to ignore the irritating - day after day after day.
I did it by sort of chanting (in my head) 'let it go' 'it does not matter' 'whatever' I'd picture that little smilie in the yoga position :ohm:, a sigh and a reminder that 'it is what it is - accept it and move on."
It sort of worked for awhile but what I was really doing was brainwashing myself to say "I don't matter. I will just accept you and live with it because my irritation, annoyance, disgust, anger, is just something that I should bury, let go, and move away from. I will accept living with whatever comes my way and my grievances are in-consequential."
I became confused, lost, and no longer able to draw lines regarding what was acceptable. I no longer made any judgements as to what I should or should not be expected to tolerate - I tolerated it all. If my kids disregarded my wishes, I also ignored that. It spilled over into every faucet of my being after awhile. I stuffed down those feelings until I barely felt anything on the surface.
Oh but they were there - boiling into an underground volcano of rage and resentment. I was very 'flat' because if I felt one tiny thing - good or bad - there was a danger of erupting.
I wouldn't really recommend that. It was awful. I feel nauseous just thinking about it.
I thought I was detaching but I have learned that I do not know how to detach. That was disregarding, ignoring, and stuffing my feelings. A very different thing so while my share is lacking in useful advice on detachment - perhaps take it as a warning to watch out for 'false-detachment.'
You could also just not talk to her while she is drinking.
ETA: I type way to slow. Previous poster said same thing only way better and way fewer words, lol.
I did it by sort of chanting (in my head) 'let it go' 'it does not matter' 'whatever' I'd picture that little smilie in the yoga position :ohm:, a sigh and a reminder that 'it is what it is - accept it and move on."
It sort of worked for awhile but what I was really doing was brainwashing myself to say "I don't matter. I will just accept you and live with it because my irritation, annoyance, disgust, anger, is just something that I should bury, let go, and move away from. I will accept living with whatever comes my way and my grievances are in-consequential."
I became confused, lost, and no longer able to draw lines regarding what was acceptable. I no longer made any judgements as to what I should or should not be expected to tolerate - I tolerated it all. If my kids disregarded my wishes, I also ignored that. It spilled over into every faucet of my being after awhile. I stuffed down those feelings until I barely felt anything on the surface.
Oh but they were there - boiling into an underground volcano of rage and resentment. I was very 'flat' because if I felt one tiny thing - good or bad - there was a danger of erupting.
I wouldn't really recommend that. It was awful. I feel nauseous just thinking about it.
I thought I was detaching but I have learned that I do not know how to detach. That was disregarding, ignoring, and stuffing my feelings. A very different thing so while my share is lacking in useful advice on detachment - perhaps take it as a warning to watch out for 'false-detachment.'
You could also just not talk to her while she is drinking.
ETA: I type way to slow. Previous poster said same thing only way better and way fewer words, lol.
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Like Thumper, I thought I could detach from the EXABF and his alcoholic behaviour, both drunk and sober. I experienced the same behaviour from my EXABF as you are going through with your AW.
Detachment for me, turned into numbing my feelings down to nothing. I walked on eggshells on a daily basis for close to three years. I was angry at his behaviour toward me and the fact that time after time, he promised to sober up. He never did.
I stuffed everything down into the raging pit of denial that had become my life, in spite of attending Al-Anon, coming to SR, going to counseling. I always thought that "this" binge would be when he got it. He did for a while, then the whole cycle started again.
After a major meltdown on my part (after a particularly nasty binge cycle for both of us), I finally realized who I was so mad at-me, for pushing my boundaries so far back, for accepting the unacceptable, for staying in a situation I knew deep down was never going to change. It took a lot of courage on my part to walk away from him and the more he tried to suck me back into the vortex, the more I resisted. The anger slowly began to subside, the resentments faded and I worked through the grief of losing "the dream" of a life together. I began to understand what detachment was all about and what I thought was detachment was actually retreating into myself.
Read some of the stickies at the top of the page - invaluable support for new and old alike. Read the threads, post when needed. Try an Al-Anon meeting. When you realize you're not alone, it helps to deal with things a lot easier.
In the short run, when your AW repeats herself, get away from her - take a walk, go for a drive, it does help.
Detachment for me, turned into numbing my feelings down to nothing. I walked on eggshells on a daily basis for close to three years. I was angry at his behaviour toward me and the fact that time after time, he promised to sober up. He never did.
I stuffed everything down into the raging pit of denial that had become my life, in spite of attending Al-Anon, coming to SR, going to counseling. I always thought that "this" binge would be when he got it. He did for a while, then the whole cycle started again.
After a major meltdown on my part (after a particularly nasty binge cycle for both of us), I finally realized who I was so mad at-me, for pushing my boundaries so far back, for accepting the unacceptable, for staying in a situation I knew deep down was never going to change. It took a lot of courage on my part to walk away from him and the more he tried to suck me back into the vortex, the more I resisted. The anger slowly began to subside, the resentments faded and I worked through the grief of losing "the dream" of a life together. I began to understand what detachment was all about and what I thought was detachment was actually retreating into myself.
Read some of the stickies at the top of the page - invaluable support for new and old alike. Read the threads, post when needed. Try an Al-Anon meeting. When you realize you're not alone, it helps to deal with things a lot easier.
In the short run, when your AW repeats herself, get away from her - take a walk, go for a drive, it does help.
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I've never been able to tolerate it with my loved ones but, no surprise, it's been pretty easy with others. I've chosen not to tolerate it with others, though, because I discovered my tolerance came from pity. Not a good mindset for me; who the hell am I to pity another?
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It sounds as though you may be hanging in there, hoping she will become sober, so you are for now looking for ways to manage your anger and resentment. Al-Anon suggests we call someone else in recovery to talk us down when we feel the disgust you describe. This is usually a temporary solution.
The deeper problem, at the root of your disgust, is likely profound pain. Your wife has abandoned you in your marriage, and it hurts so terribly, and to escape this pain of abandonment in the alcoholic marriage, we focus on the more superficial things such as how to manage our anger at the circular conversations (which are a classic pattern in alcoholic marriages, by the way). We do a lot of managing, hoping that in time, our spouse will find sobriety.
If she does not find sobriety, and continues to abandon you, then your emotional pain may be too overwhelming and you may decide to leave her. This may be unthinkable to you today. So, for now you can attend Al-Anon, find some phone numbers there to call, and hang on a while.
The deeper problem, at the root of your disgust, is likely profound pain. Your wife has abandoned you in your marriage, and it hurts so terribly, and to escape this pain of abandonment in the alcoholic marriage, we focus on the more superficial things such as how to manage our anger at the circular conversations (which are a classic pattern in alcoholic marriages, by the way). We do a lot of managing, hoping that in time, our spouse will find sobriety.
If she does not find sobriety, and continues to abandon you, then your emotional pain may be too overwhelming and you may decide to leave her. This may be unthinkable to you today. So, for now you can attend Al-Anon, find some phone numbers there to call, and hang on a while.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
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I can relate. I got so tired of having the same conversation over and over, only to have it come up the next day and my AH had no recollection of our discussion.
We no longer live together. The madness just became too much for me.
But when we did, and when it happens now, I try to say matter of factly "We already discussed that." And walk away or change the subject. If he persists, I say "We discussed that several times last night. You must be having memory issues. Perhaps you could carry a pen and paper to take notes." I try to say this as unemotionally as possible (most of the time I want to smack him upside the head with a frying pan).
My observation is that alcoholism has affected my husband's short-term memory in a profound way, even when he's relatively sober.
Do you really want to be living this way 5 years from now?
We no longer live together. The madness just became too much for me.
But when we did, and when it happens now, I try to say matter of factly "We already discussed that." And walk away or change the subject. If he persists, I say "We discussed that several times last night. You must be having memory issues. Perhaps you could carry a pen and paper to take notes." I try to say this as unemotionally as possible (most of the time I want to smack him upside the head with a frying pan).
My observation is that alcoholism has affected my husband's short-term memory in a profound way, even when he's relatively sober.
Do you really want to be living this way 5 years from now?
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Sadly, my stepson has serious short-term memory issues when he is drinking. In a recent phone call between Mr. HG and my stepson, "Jr." repeated himself several times and did not remember having spoken to his father a few days previously. It's how my husband knows whether his son is drinking or not.
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
It sounds as though you may be hanging in there, hoping she will become sober, so you are for now looking for ways to manage your anger and resentment. Al-Anon suggests we call someone else in recovery to talk us down when we feel the disgust you describe. This is usually a temporary solution.
The deeper problem, at the root of your disgust, is likely profound pain. Your wife has abandoned you in your marriage, and it hurts so terribly, and to escape this pain of abandonment in the alcoholic marriage, we focus on the more superficial things such as how to manage our anger at the circular conversations (which are a classic pattern in alcoholic marriages, by the way). We do a lot of managing, hoping that in time, our spouse will find sobriety.
If she does not find sobriety, and continues to abandon you, then your emotional pain may be too overwhelming and you may decide to leave her. This may be unthinkable to you today. So, for now you can attend Al-Anon, find some phone numbers there to call, and hang on a while.
The deeper problem, at the root of your disgust, is likely profound pain. Your wife has abandoned you in your marriage, and it hurts so terribly, and to escape this pain of abandonment in the alcoholic marriage, we focus on the more superficial things such as how to manage our anger at the circular conversations (which are a classic pattern in alcoholic marriages, by the way). We do a lot of managing, hoping that in time, our spouse will find sobriety.
If she does not find sobriety, and continues to abandon you, then your emotional pain may be too overwhelming and you may decide to leave her. This may be unthinkable to you today. So, for now you can attend Al-Anon, find some phone numbers there to call, and hang on a while.
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Originally Posted by OhBoy
The issue at hand,as I see it, is when she asks when she is coherent and my reaction to it. I feel comfortable with how I deal with the drunken circular conversations and my lack of participation in them.
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This is your life as long as you live with her. You will be no more successful in changing this dynamic than you have been in getting her to stop drinking. You live with an alcoholic woman, as I do, and that comes with special moments like you are describing.
My wife's a little over a year sober and this doesn't happen any more, but when she was drinking it was totally normal.
That said, after a few years I figured that out and stopped talking to her when she was drunk. It's a total waste of time.
I'm guessing you don't go to Alanon or you'd already know how to deal with this and other issues with your wife.
Cyranoak
My wife's a little over a year sober and this doesn't happen any more, but when she was drinking it was totally normal.
That said, after a few years I figured that out and stopped talking to her when she was drunk. It's a total waste of time.
I'm guessing you don't go to Alanon or you'd already know how to deal with this and other issues with your wife.
Cyranoak
Im not crazy and neither am I
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Im a recovering addict with 5 years clean.
I go to alanon (there isnt any nar-anon) to deal with people I love and see in the rooms all the time. Its helped more than I could have imagined.
DETACH !
I go to alanon (there isnt any nar-anon) to deal with people I love and see in the rooms all the time. Its helped more than I could have imagined.
DETACH !
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If there is a particular question that she asks more than once in a given night, write down the question and your answer. Leave the paper in a spot she is sure to notice it the next morning. Then she'll have her answer and you won't have to repeat yourself. Maybe she'll get the point, but if not, at least you don't have to feel that blood-boiling frustration of having the same conversation repeatedly.
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