Is he an alcoholic?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1
Is he an alcoholic?
I have been dating this guy for 7 months now and things used to be great. That is until I noticed he drinks, a lot. I didn't think much of it because I only saw him on the weekends, so I thought it was just a weekend thing and especially since we are both in our mid 20's. But the more we began to hang out and talk on the phone the more I began to realize how much he was drinking.
I confronted him about this after passing out on me several times and after he was discussing how much he could drink the night before and still be able to start his truck (which has a breathalyzer in it). One night it was so bad (and it was in the middle of the week) I could not understand him on the phone. He was completely incoherent. He also go drunk one night, fell and had to get stitches. He is literally getting drunk every night.
I finally ended up calling his brother's girlfriend (since I have only met his one brother and none of his family). I asked her if he has always drank like this and she said they knew he drank but nobody knows how much since he doesn't come around the family anymore. So I told her that he is getting drunk just about every night. She told his brother and he was suppose to talk to him but he hasn't. I do know that his dad called recently and spoke to him about his drinking and my bf's response was that he just wasn't going to talk to anyone anymore.
I don't know what to do. We fight about it all the time, except most of the time he is drunk when we do. I threaten to leave him but I never do because when he is sober he really is this amazing guy. I feel like I need more help from his family but I'm not sure they are taking this seriously.
Please, any advice would be extremely helpful.
I confronted him about this after passing out on me several times and after he was discussing how much he could drink the night before and still be able to start his truck (which has a breathalyzer in it). One night it was so bad (and it was in the middle of the week) I could not understand him on the phone. He was completely incoherent. He also go drunk one night, fell and had to get stitches. He is literally getting drunk every night.
I finally ended up calling his brother's girlfriend (since I have only met his one brother and none of his family). I asked her if he has always drank like this and she said they knew he drank but nobody knows how much since he doesn't come around the family anymore. So I told her that he is getting drunk just about every night. She told his brother and he was suppose to talk to him but he hasn't. I do know that his dad called recently and spoke to him about his drinking and my bf's response was that he just wasn't going to talk to anyone anymore.
I don't know what to do. We fight about it all the time, except most of the time he is drunk when we do. I threaten to leave him but I never do because when he is sober he really is this amazing guy. I feel like I need more help from his family but I'm not sure they are taking this seriously.
Please, any advice would be extremely helpful.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 15
Breathalyzer on the car, drunk every night, fight all the time, avoiding his family, incoherent on the phone, falls down and needs stitches, won't admit he has a problem, you only see him on the weekends and he often passes out on your dates....
I think you know the answer to your question. I would suggest you spend some time reading the personal stories of many people on this forum about how they spent 20 years with this guy who was soo awesome when he was sober. It is a progressive disease, this is as good as it will get with him. He does not want to quit.
You are young, you only have 7 months invested. Get out now!
I think you know the answer to your question. I would suggest you spend some time reading the personal stories of many people on this forum about how they spent 20 years with this guy who was soo awesome when he was sober. It is a progressive disease, this is as good as it will get with him. He does not want to quit.
You are young, you only have 7 months invested. Get out now!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
I remember asking myself the very same question about my last boyfriend and here's what I was told...
If his drinking is causing problems then his drinking IS a problem...
I know how you feel though...
A lot of alcoholics are amazing people when they are sober....
My ex-boyfriend had a beautiful personality when he didn't drink, but when he did drink (and it was almost ALWAYS too much)
He couldn't care less about me nor was I his top-priority...
Unfortunately, alcoholism is a progressive disease, so you can count on this getting far worse before it gets better...
The fact that he's hiding the amount he drinks from his family and has a breathalyzer in his car is enough for me to think that a problem with alcohol likely exists here...
What you decide to do is entirely up to you, but if you do decide to stay in this relationship, please keep in mind that he is the only person who can decide to seek help.
And, I would strongly suggest that you set some boundaries for yourself in terms of what you will and will not tolerate.
For example, not getting in the car with him if he's been drinking or refusing to participate in activities with him involving drinking...
This way, you're accomplishing two things....
1st and foremost, you are taking care of yourself and doing what's in your best interest and by doing this, you won't be enabling him...
Do most of his friends drink and hang out in bars?
If so, that's another sign that he has a problem...
Don't get me wrong...
Going out with some friends every once in a while for a few drinks is not a big deal...
However, if drinking is the main attraction every time he and his friends get together, I'd be weary of that....
Keeping reading and posting...
We're here for you!
Best regards,
Diva 76
If his drinking is causing problems then his drinking IS a problem...
I know how you feel though...
A lot of alcoholics are amazing people when they are sober....
My ex-boyfriend had a beautiful personality when he didn't drink, but when he did drink (and it was almost ALWAYS too much)
He couldn't care less about me nor was I his top-priority...
Unfortunately, alcoholism is a progressive disease, so you can count on this getting far worse before it gets better...
The fact that he's hiding the amount he drinks from his family and has a breathalyzer in his car is enough for me to think that a problem with alcohol likely exists here...
What you decide to do is entirely up to you, but if you do decide to stay in this relationship, please keep in mind that he is the only person who can decide to seek help.
And, I would strongly suggest that you set some boundaries for yourself in terms of what you will and will not tolerate.
For example, not getting in the car with him if he's been drinking or refusing to participate in activities with him involving drinking...
This way, you're accomplishing two things....
1st and foremost, you are taking care of yourself and doing what's in your best interest and by doing this, you won't be enabling him...
Do most of his friends drink and hang out in bars?
If so, that's another sign that he has a problem...
Don't get me wrong...
Going out with some friends every once in a while for a few drinks is not a big deal...
However, if drinking is the main attraction every time he and his friends get together, I'd be weary of that....
Keeping reading and posting...
We're here for you!
Best regards,
Diva 76
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
breathalyzer. There's a clue.
Time to move on. In 7 months, how good is this, really? Just years of heartbreak ahead of you. If you can't move on now, get to Coda or Al Anon now!
Take care of you, hun! You are most important! Raise your standards!!
Time to move on. In 7 months, how good is this, really? Just years of heartbreak ahead of you. If you can't move on now, get to Coda or Al Anon now!
Take care of you, hun! You are most important! Raise your standards!!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
When I first posted here, I learned about the 3 C's of my loved ones addiction to alcohol:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
It took me a while to accept that concept.
I was sure my love would inspire him to change his ways. Unfortunately, if love was powerful enough to change another adult's behavior - there wouldn't be a need for this forum, Al-anon meetings, and shelves of self-help books on codependency.
It appears his family has already given him an ultimatum: get sober or get away.
Ultimatum's are only effective if we mean what we say. Example: "If you are drunk again this weekend, our relationship is over." He gets drunk Saturday night, apologizes and tells you it won't happen again. Plus he tells you he had to drink because of x, y and z.
If you mean what you say - you will end the relationship, give yourself time to grieve the loss of what might have been, work on self-healing and move forward with your one precious life.
If you aren't serious, then it is just more of the same old, same old from you and your alcoholic loved one - and the cycle continues.
When I first posted here, I learned about the 3 C's of my loved ones addiction to alcohol:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
It took me a while to accept that concept.
I was sure my love would inspire him to change his ways. Unfortunately, if love was powerful enough to change another adult's behavior - there wouldn't be a need for this forum, Al-anon meetings, and shelves of self-help books on codependency.
It appears his family has already given him an ultimatum: get sober or get away.
Ultimatum's are only effective if we mean what we say. Example: "If you are drunk again this weekend, our relationship is over." He gets drunk Saturday night, apologizes and tells you it won't happen again. Plus he tells you he had to drink because of x, y and z.
If you mean what you say - you will end the relationship, give yourself time to grieve the loss of what might have been, work on self-healing and move forward with your one precious life.
If you aren't serious, then it is just more of the same old, same old from you and your alcoholic loved one - and the cycle continues.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
There is no future with this guy. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, one that there is no cure for. He will be an alcoholic all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is sober or not.
Do yourself a big favor, let him go, your too young to waste your life with him.
Do yourself a big favor, let him go, your too young to waste your life with him.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I've learned in my own experience that when I start asking questions like this, I already know the answer. At that point a part of me is questioning myself and looking for validation (because whenever I came to a conclusion like this growing up my mother told me I was imagining things), while the other part of me was looking for everyone to tell me I was wrong because I was afraid of change and doing something to change the situation I was in.
You're in the right place.
You're not alone.
We know what you're going through.
You're in the right place.
You're not alone.
We know what you're going through.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Since you asked for advice I will give some. This is based on my experience of being married to an alcoholic. I am in the process of divorcing her. We were married for 36 years with the last 15 of them as a heavy alcoholic and pill abuser.
RUN AWAY.
Your friend,
RUN AWAY.
Your friend,
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