SASA

I just had a fight with my boyfriend. I have not had a drink for over 13 month. But this time the fight was really bad. He blamed me and made me feel so guilty that I cried. He did not even apoplogize afterwards, still insisting everyhting is my fault. He is without job and I pay for everything (yes Dee the same guy). I was so close I even went into the liquor store, but did not buy anything, since I have no desire. When I got out instead of him appreciating me not drinking he kept pushing me more. So I decided I will get out. I messaged a friend dressed up and I will go out to meet her. He saw me all styled and thinks I am going on a date. I lost tons of weight and now he is blue in his face. And I owe this to SR. Without you guys I would definitly just started drinking tonight as I always did in the past when he did this. Now thanks to you guys I am getting stronger. I am not there to leave yet, but every day I am getting stronger and hopefully 1 day will finally get away from him. Thanks for listening to my venting. I am glad I did not pick up and I think in the future I need to build up a wall so he cannot get to me. Any suggestions how you deal with people who permanently try to make you feel guilty bad and unworthy? What do you guys do in these situations? (Obviously don;t drink, but how do you brush these things off? It hurts so much.....

OCDDan

wow, you sound as strong as they get, keep going, your doing well

Spawn

Sounds like a toxic relationship?
Why do you put up with it?

Dee74

Obviously it's your choice. but if it was me, I'd follow through with the plans you have to leave SASA...I think some relationships, and some people, are just irrevocably not good for us.

D

SASA

because I do not have the strength to leave yet. I know it sounds wired. Everybody tells me to leave, I think I should leve, but something is holding me back and I do not know what it is, I do not have the force to leave yet.

SASA

I think my bigger issue is how to deal with rejection and hurt in general. What do all of you do when you get these feeling?

janiebluebird

When I was in a toxic relationship and "knew" I should leave but did not feel as though I could/wanted to leave it at that time, an idea that helped shift my focus a bit was: you'll never have the relationship you want, need, deserve if your time is being filled with what you are settling for. It applies to all areas of of life, but as long as you are wasting your precious time with someone who is not good for ya, you are missing out on time where you could meet someone else. Even in a "universal" sense- free up space and strange things happen.

EmeraldRose

I read a good one today...

Maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe its you, on your own. picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on.

It worked for me! =)

Anna

I'm glad you're getting stronger SASA, but I urge you to get out of the situation too.

Janie is right about freeing up 'space' in your life. I knew for sure I had to remove a couple of people from my life if I was going to recover and I did. What surprised me completely was that two amazing women came into my life in the next few weeks. Sometimes letting go and taking the leap of faith is the way to go.

ABIDEBYLAW

He does not work and you pay for everything? On top of that he treats you poorly?
You could do much better and be happier with him gone. Good luck.

thelastgoodbye

Don't buy into these feelings!! well rejection anyways. Don't let it affect your self worth and by the sound of this guy, wow, time to say good bye! that's what I did years ago when I was with a man like that. Took my daughter and left. I tell you, not a better feeling have I had since, the first morning (and many, many after that) I woke up, in my new and own apartment and made breakfast for me and my little girl. Oh ya, that feeling, it's called FREEDOM!!!

Be well and don't drink!

SASA

I really hope one day I will be strong enough. I can feel I am growing though and that is a good thing. I am no longer manipulated easily and I start standing up for myself. It is all an experience. I pray for me getting strong enough..... At least I know drinking will not make it better. thank youso mcuh for all your kind words. You have no idea how much these mean to me

sugarbear1

Have you tried working the steps of AA? That is where I started to grow thicker skin and learn how to raise my standards....

InsertNameHere

Run for the hills or kick his worthless but out. Someone that you are supporting financially that doesn't even treat you somewhat decently and instead belittles you and drives your confidence into the ground needs to take a one way ticket out of your life. Do you realize that probably one reason "you are not strong enough" is because you are buying into his mindgames and believing the drivel that he is spouting? leave the &#$(% and smile doing it.

Lost3000

Here's the deal (you asked so I'm giving you my 2 cents). Just like booze, you are wasting time. Time you could be spending with a great guy, or a great friend, or just living freely.

I think the reason why you feel you aren't ready yet, is because you'll never be ready. There is never a good time. The reason why you wonder how we deal with rude and awful people is because you don't know life without a rude and awful person. Once you cut them out of your life, you don't have those feelings any longer.

Sure, you'll come across those types in work or day to day life, but they don't cut as deeply. My husband can be a royal jerk and hurt me at times, but 1) we are married; 2) he never treats me disrespectfully as your bf has; and 3) he always comes back with a heartfelt apology.

This toxic relationship is a lot like drinking. It isn't making things better. It's actually hurting you and keeping you from personal growth and maturity. You aren't married and quite honestly don't have the level of commitment required for a marriage (IMHO).

Lost3000

BTW, 13 months is an awesome accomplishment. I believe you can accomplish the same happiness within your relationships.

silly

Congrats on 13 months! Sounds like you're doing great :-)

I agree with what someone said... Kick his butt out. No need for YOU to leave, you're not the problem and you pay to live there. Let him find a new place and a new person to push around. You stay put, change the locks and move on with your life in a happier, healthier way.

Jeni26

God, you don't realise how strong you are. Living within such a toxic relationship which is continually undermining your self confidence, and in the meantime dealing with a serious addiction and remaining sober as everything deteriorates around you?!?

You are truly amazing!

Recognise that strength in yourself and you will be able to let go of him and move forward.

Well done xx

coming_clean

i've been in something like that...

it's a blessing I got out in time.

good luck

SASA

I feel much better today. Again thank you all for your answers. You all gave me a lot to think about. We are together for 10 years and he was with me when I was drinking. I guess the reason why I am holding on to him is partially I feel guilty leaving now that I am sober, sinc ehe put up with me for the 10 years. Also he was the one who told me I am an alcoholic and opened partially my eyes.. still he cheated on me multiple times, treated me badly and like crap when I was drinking. And I was okay with it since I felt like I did not deserve better. Now that I am stopped I realize that he actually was and is a trigger for me. I know he has a lot of resentments towards me, the way I was when I was drunk. He partially makes me responsible for him not having a job, for him having no friends, no money etc. I know that is not true but still I feel bad and guilty. I also know he is depressed and very insecure. But I need to put myself first and I still deserve being treated with respect. I think I let it go for so long that he is surprised that I know start setting boudaries and fight back.....