Screaming Whispers
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Screaming Whispers
I lost a friend to suicide today.
Second person I've known since December who's taken her own life.
Third person I've known since last summer to do this.
The first was in December of last year. She was a doctor in my community. A pediatrician who loved her job, family, and community. She used to give my son rides home from this activity or that, and was very involved in her two children's lives. I first met her a month or so after I moved into this little village back in '05. Marching in a parade with my two kids, I see her looking at me, and she quickly introduces herself as "Sam's mom." "Oh!" I said, "My son Jack loves to hang out with Sam!" We exchange polite hello's and quick conversation here and there around town over the years, in the grocery store, the CVS a few blocks away, the parks. I see her at school events and sit next to her, catching up and exchanging stories. Never a real friend, as I don't have too many of those. Too risky for me. Her life seemed so perfect.
She swallowed a bunch of pills a couple of weeks before Christmas, after having moved away to another state. I heard she hadn't adjusted well to the move and longed for "home." Couldn't find herself. Didn't know who or what to look for. I'm thankful that she's at peace, and in no way think she was selfish, as controversial an opinion that may be. She's at peace, after suffering from mental illness for decades, and I can relate to this. She had the guts to do what many people long to do, even after years and years of therapy.
Today I leared that another woman my age, just a couple of small towns south of here, ended her life. I'm reading her online blog now. I'm not sure why, other than being drawn to the macabre at this point in my life. Evidence of guilt, shame, low self-esteem, and lost-little-girlishness litter her on-line blog, as does her unhappiness with and unacceptance of aging, her regrets that plagued her soul, the boulder-sized guilt she felt for not living up to the almost perfect expectations she had of herself.
So sad. Yet I see myself in her.
I saw my therapist today just a few hours before hearing this news.
Last summer I lost one of my closest childhood friends to a heroin overdose. There at his funeral, were probably every single childhood friend I ever had...from the community daycare playground to the varsity basketball team. Hadn't seen them in years. Some, in decades. And yet we picked up conversation as if no time had passed from playing knock-hockey and thetherball, and climbing ropes that led from the floor to the gymnasium ceiling, while looking down at 1/9" cheap plastic mat that was supposed to protect you in case you fell....to the time we were re-telling some pretty awesome stories of this friend who passed.
Sometimes life really sucks. Even when you have a feeling that death brought these people tremendous relief, and pray to God to not let the same fate befall you...
Second person I've known since December who's taken her own life.
Third person I've known since last summer to do this.
The first was in December of last year. She was a doctor in my community. A pediatrician who loved her job, family, and community. She used to give my son rides home from this activity or that, and was very involved in her two children's lives. I first met her a month or so after I moved into this little village back in '05. Marching in a parade with my two kids, I see her looking at me, and she quickly introduces herself as "Sam's mom." "Oh!" I said, "My son Jack loves to hang out with Sam!" We exchange polite hello's and quick conversation here and there around town over the years, in the grocery store, the CVS a few blocks away, the parks. I see her at school events and sit next to her, catching up and exchanging stories. Never a real friend, as I don't have too many of those. Too risky for me. Her life seemed so perfect.
She swallowed a bunch of pills a couple of weeks before Christmas, after having moved away to another state. I heard she hadn't adjusted well to the move and longed for "home." Couldn't find herself. Didn't know who or what to look for. I'm thankful that she's at peace, and in no way think she was selfish, as controversial an opinion that may be. She's at peace, after suffering from mental illness for decades, and I can relate to this. She had the guts to do what many people long to do, even after years and years of therapy.
Today I leared that another woman my age, just a couple of small towns south of here, ended her life. I'm reading her online blog now. I'm not sure why, other than being drawn to the macabre at this point in my life. Evidence of guilt, shame, low self-esteem, and lost-little-girlishness litter her on-line blog, as does her unhappiness with and unacceptance of aging, her regrets that plagued her soul, the boulder-sized guilt she felt for not living up to the almost perfect expectations she had of herself.
So sad. Yet I see myself in her.
I saw my therapist today just a few hours before hearing this news.
Last summer I lost one of my closest childhood friends to a heroin overdose. There at his funeral, were probably every single childhood friend I ever had...from the community daycare playground to the varsity basketball team. Hadn't seen them in years. Some, in decades. And yet we picked up conversation as if no time had passed from playing knock-hockey and thetherball, and climbing ropes that led from the floor to the gymnasium ceiling, while looking down at 1/9" cheap plastic mat that was supposed to protect you in case you fell....to the time we were re-telling some pretty awesome stories of this friend who passed.
Sometimes life really sucks. Even when you have a feeling that death brought these people tremendous relief, and pray to God to not let the same fate befall you...
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
Sorry to hear about this, Jillian. I too have known many people who died by suicide. It is always so heartbreaking.
I view suicide as a desperate, impulsive act....not a selfish one....although I can certainly understand the anger and pain of family and friends as I have felt it myself.
In any case, please be sure to take good care of yourself at this time.
I view suicide as a desperate, impulsive act....not a selfish one....although I can certainly understand the anger and pain of family and friends as I have felt it myself.
In any case, please be sure to take good care of yourself at this time.
SOBERWRLDRCDPOWER
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wesley Chapel, Florida
Posts: 42
Sorry to hear about your loss. I'm from a small town in Tennesse and out of the 12 of us that ran together. Boys and girls. 10 are dead from drugs. One friend called me cause he found me on Facebook and he just couldn't believe that i had a real three years sobriety and then two days later i got a call saying he was dead. God only knows why I wasn't one of the ones that didn't make it but I don't question it. I just know that if you keep playing Russian Roulette your gonna get it eventually. Drugs don't discriminate that's for sure.. Not to break anyone's identity but a Vice President from a certain term had a brother that went to treatment 43 times. Lost millions and millions of dollars. Was so smart. He wrote a lot of the speeches you hear from presidents sometimes over the years. But when it came to alcohol he was a dumbbass. He though he'd be able to out think alcoholism i think. God the stories he'd tell me. Well sorry for rambling. I've just become numb when i hear about my friends dying cause i know it's gonna happen to em one day. But I'm very very sorry for your loss. I believe they're in a better place now. I wish you well.
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