aeo1313

Thank you all for being here...for letting me share in your recovery and read you struggles in search of a better life. I don't know what i am so scared of. I liked AA, but hated leaving the house every evening-- my kids always wondered where I was going. I am clean and sober as I write this, but my brain just doesn't seem to work right anymore. In 3 weeks is my daughter's Bat Mitzvah- the most important day in her 13 years. I shouldn't be focused on myself right now. So confused

desertsong

Glad to see you back, aeo. Getting sober IS tough and it can be even more confusing if you're conflicted about doing it, which your posts seem to indicate.

Addiction can make a person want to isolate, so it isn't a surprise that you don't want to leave your house. But if you have enjoyed going to AA, if you're truly invested in getting sober, and if you think it is working for you, it's worth the effort. Do your kids know you have a problem with drugs/alcohol? I seem to remember you posting once that you had gotten drunk and passed out on your bathroom floor and your kids found you ... would it be so terrible for them to know that Mom is going to AA so she can get better and be a better mom to them? I told my kids that I was going to AA meetings and they were actually relieved and proud of me. They wanted a sober mom; they had spent too many years around the drunk mom and they love who I am now. My 16 year old congratulates me every day on my sobriety and that is such a wonderful gift. Kids understand so much more than we give them credit for, but if you can't tell your kids where you're going, maybe you can tell them you joined a book club or something (at least for now) and tell them that's where you're going.

Just get some support SOMEWHERE and get going on your sobriety. It's the best gift you can give yourself AND your kids. That bat mitzvah is coming up soon!

SOBERINNEPA

It took a while for me to really understand it but, "Anything you put before your sobriety you will lose."

You taking care of yourself is the furthest thing from selfish. You'll celebrate your daughters big day sober and present. Let that be your mitzvah to her.

aeo1313

The kids don't know- they have never seen me passed out, but that's bc my husband hides me away when I get like that. I am around them high and on pills, but I don't think they notice...more and more though in the evening I smoke and isolate in my room and leave hubby to take care of kids/house. He smelled pot last night in the bathroom and just laughed. He doesn't see any of this as serious. I don't think he knows about mixing xanax, alcohol, weed, etc. I assume even in small doeses it can't be good.

Sapling

That's exactly why you should be focusing on yourself....And you can celebrate your 3 weeks sober together with her...Don't let fear stop you from making your life better aeo....Just take 5 minutes...Right now...Calm yourself and just think about it.....What do you really have to fear?

sugarbear1

"I am clean and sober as I write this, but my brain just doesn't seem to work right anymore."

"He smelled pot last night in the bathroom and just laughed."

How can you be clean and sober and wrote these 17 minutes apart? Your neurons aren't really clean & sober. This is delusional thinking.

I hope the Bat Mitzvah is beautiful! Enjoy!!