Tragedy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
Tragedy
Recap: My AS was in a rehab facility for 12 days, released a week ago Tuesday, March 27. We moved him right into an SLE. He used (heroin, his DOC) on Thursday and was kicked out, but was told he could return Monday if he tested clean. Against my better judgment, I let him come home to stay with me while he got clean, as I was afraid he would stay with drug users otherwise (he had nowhere else to go) and would never get clean and back to the SLE. We were basically joined at the hip from Thursday night to Monday. Despite my best efforts, he used multiple times during the weekend, including at 4:00 a.m. Monday, so he obviously would not test clean. I took him to an addiction doctor Monday morning and got him Suboxone, and the SLE director agreed to take him back under those circumstances and let him detox at the house. My son went to a meeting of the SLE organization that evening and was supposed to go straight back to the house. Except he didn't. He went somewhere and used again. He showed up at the house high, and was turned out (very appropriately - the addicts there need to protect their own recoveries).
MY AS called me at about 10:30 Monday night wanting to come back home. I said no. He showed up anyway, we talked for five minutes, and I turned him out. I was so angry over what had happened that weekend - I had babied him so much,and the whole time, he was using. He stayed that night at a new girlfriend's house. The next day, he called me, telling me that he had gotten a job and his new boss had taken him under his wing. I had conversations with the new boss, who really wanted to help my son. He said my son would stay with him until he could test clean on Friday. Except for that first night - Tuesday. My AS decided to stay with the new girlfriend one more night, and after that would stay with the boss. My AS and I were barely speaking, and he knew that I would not let him stay with me.
The next morning (yesterday), my AS was murdered at the home of the new girlfriend by the girl's ex-boyfriend. He was killed with an ax. The girl's mother was also killed, the girl injured, and the killer then killed himself. The killing apparently started at 7:30 in the morning (while I was in my kitchen making coffee) and culminated with the girlfriend calling the police at 12:20.
I know that none of this is my fault. No one could have ever imagined that something like this would happen in a nice suburban community. The girl was 17. My son was going to turn 20 this weekend. The perpetrator was 19. But if I hadn't taken the "tough love" approach, if I hadn't been convinced that my son had to experience the consequences of his addiction, he would have been with me on Tuesday night. The new girlfriend would not have been on the scene. He would be alive today, still struggling with his addiction, but taking Suboxone and getting ready to return to the SLE tomorrow.
I am so glad that I did the WRONG thing last Thursday and let him stay with me until Monday. We bonded during that time, talked so much, watched movies. I did in fact make him lasagna (you might recall that I castigated myself in an earlier post for even considering doing something so loving and "codie."). For that weekend, at least, he felt the full force of my love for him. I'm sorry that we were on the outs Monday and Tuesday, but he knew why and knew that I still loved him.
God, how I wish I hadn't been so "strong" on Monday and Tuesday. The he** with conquering codependency, the he** with making him experience the consequences of his addiction. He would have been with me, and he would have been safe.
MY AS called me at about 10:30 Monday night wanting to come back home. I said no. He showed up anyway, we talked for five minutes, and I turned him out. I was so angry over what had happened that weekend - I had babied him so much,and the whole time, he was using. He stayed that night at a new girlfriend's house. The next day, he called me, telling me that he had gotten a job and his new boss had taken him under his wing. I had conversations with the new boss, who really wanted to help my son. He said my son would stay with him until he could test clean on Friday. Except for that first night - Tuesday. My AS decided to stay with the new girlfriend one more night, and after that would stay with the boss. My AS and I were barely speaking, and he knew that I would not let him stay with me.
The next morning (yesterday), my AS was murdered at the home of the new girlfriend by the girl's ex-boyfriend. He was killed with an ax. The girl's mother was also killed, the girl injured, and the killer then killed himself. The killing apparently started at 7:30 in the morning (while I was in my kitchen making coffee) and culminated with the girlfriend calling the police at 12:20.
I know that none of this is my fault. No one could have ever imagined that something like this would happen in a nice suburban community. The girl was 17. My son was going to turn 20 this weekend. The perpetrator was 19. But if I hadn't taken the "tough love" approach, if I hadn't been convinced that my son had to experience the consequences of his addiction, he would have been with me on Tuesday night. The new girlfriend would not have been on the scene. He would be alive today, still struggling with his addiction, but taking Suboxone and getting ready to return to the SLE tomorrow.
I am so glad that I did the WRONG thing last Thursday and let him stay with me until Monday. We bonded during that time, talked so much, watched movies. I did in fact make him lasagna (you might recall that I castigated myself in an earlier post for even considering doing something so loving and "codie."). For that weekend, at least, he felt the full force of my love for him. I'm sorry that we were on the outs Monday and Tuesday, but he knew why and knew that I still loved him.
God, how I wish I hadn't been so "strong" on Monday and Tuesday. The he** with conquering codependency, the he** with making him experience the consequences of his addiction. He would have been with me, and he would have been safe.
Last edited by Ann; 04-09-2012 at 04:43 AM.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 78
There are no words that could even begin to express understanding to what you must be feeling and going through right now. My heart hurts for you. I am so sorry for this terrible loss and the pain of it. I will pray that you can find small moments of peace and rest that will get larger in time. You are not alone.
My heart is heavy for everyone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you will continue to come around the forum for support during this sad time.
You don't have to face this alone- please accept my condolences. I will be praying for you and your family.
You don't have to face this alone- please accept my condolences. I will be praying for you and your family.
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine your pain.
Please do not fall into the pit of self-blame. You may have let him come home on Tuesday and he may have slipped out anyway to be with her or the whole scene could have played out 2 weeks later. Nothing you could do could ultimately change the outcome.
I am so glad you had the opportunity to love and love him before he went. You can carry that in your heart forever. Hugs and hugs and hugs.
Please do not fall into the pit of self-blame. You may have let him come home on Tuesday and he may have slipped out anyway to be with her or the whole scene could have played out 2 weeks later. Nothing you could do could ultimately change the outcome.
I am so glad you had the opportunity to love and love him before he went. You can carry that in your heart forever. Hugs and hugs and hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 445
SeekingGrowth,
I am so very sorry for your loss. I will be praying for your family.
This is a tragedy that you could not have predicted.
I thank you for being courageous to come here today and share it with us.
My hope is that your story will enlighten' many here.
God Bless
Kel
I am so very sorry for your loss. I will be praying for your family.
This is a tragedy that you could not have predicted.
I thank you for being courageous to come here today and share it with us.
My hope is that your story will enlighten' many here.
God Bless
Kel
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
I will be thinking of you this week.
Please know that it is not your fault. When I lost my mother last year I did the self-blame thing. Its natural. It took me a while to be convinced that it wasn't my fault-I don't have a crystal ball that looks into the future. I only acted on the here and now based on what information I had at the time. The same is true for you. There is no way you could have foreseen this.
Again, know that your family is in my prayers.
Please know that it is not your fault. When I lost my mother last year I did the self-blame thing. Its natural. It took me a while to be convinced that it wasn't my fault-I don't have a crystal ball that looks into the future. I only acted on the here and now based on what information I had at the time. The same is true for you. There is no way you could have foreseen this.
Again, know that your family is in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
I'm so sorry. How shocking and sad and horrible. I'm so terribly sorry. Your poor son, poor you. Please do not blame yourself. You could not have kept him safe even if he was in your house. You did the right thing, the most loving thing; it was the actions of someone else who did the wrong thing that caused this tragedy. Not you. I hope you have many people nearby who love you and will be with you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I'm so deeply sorry. I cannot imagine your depth of pain right now.
While your son was being treated for the disease of addiction (which included his family doing all the right things to try to save his life), he lost his life instead to a random and horrific act of violence. Yes, it is a tragedy of unimaginable proportion. One for which you are in no way responsible, for we are all at the mercy of forces greater than our own, over which we have no control. He was an innocent victim, and so are you.
I wish for you love all around you and others to hold you for as long as it takes.
While your son was being treated for the disease of addiction (which included his family doing all the right things to try to save his life), he lost his life instead to a random and horrific act of violence. Yes, it is a tragedy of unimaginable proportion. One for which you are in no way responsible, for we are all at the mercy of forces greater than our own, over which we have no control. He was an innocent victim, and so are you.
I wish for you love all around you and others to hold you for as long as it takes.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
prayers of peace and comfort for you and all who loved your precious son ~
prayers for healing for the girl & for comfort for her in the loss of her mom ~
I wish I had other wise words of comfort to say ~ I don't ~ only sending the softest PINK hugs of comfort for you!
Rita
prayers for healing for the girl & for comfort for her in the loss of her mom ~
I wish I had other wise words of comfort to say ~ I don't ~ only sending the softest PINK hugs of comfort for you!
Rita
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
