khardbored

I'm really not sure where to even begin. Well, I'm 30 years old, married with a 4 year old son (5 by the end of the month) and a new baby due in September. I am unemployed, namely due to my opiate addiction. We are broke, living off public assistance and my parents generosity.

I've been addicted to opiates for about 8 years now. Before taking my first 5MG oxy those long years ago, I was terrified of taking an opiate painkiller. But I had a toothache that I made worse by trying to remove it with pliers and I caved. My gf at the time gave me 2 5's and that was all it took.

It started very slowly at first. I would only take 3 5mg worth of hydro or oxy a day. I would wait all day to take them. My entire day would be awesome knowing that that night I would get high. I did this for about 3 years. My tolerance stayed at the 15-20MG range. I can't quite recall when it got so out of hand. I just know that for the last few years I would swallow up anywhere from 5 to 10 at a time, the second I got them.

When I don't have them, I drink. I drank everyday for about 3 years during all of this as well. Sometimes I preferred the drinking to the pills. But after many drunken fights with my wife and countless broken doors and my own hands, I pretty much quit that completely. Now my opiate addiction has completely taken over.

I've lied to everyone that I know. I've taken bill money to pay for my addiction. I used to have over 80 Xbox 360 games (4 now), bluray players, a custom built (by me, PC's are a passion) gaming machine...gone. Sold for drug money.

The longest I have been clean in the last 8 years has been four days.
I know that I am ready to stop this ********. I can't do it anymore. It's ALL I think about. But here is the main problem I face...

Nothing seems worth doing without opiates. Nothing.
I can't function without them. I won't even play videogames unless I am high.

Eyes starting to well up a bit..:\

Tonight I told my wife I think I need to go to NA. She has known about my problem for awhile...stuck with me through all the ********. So she looked up NA meetings and found one in our tiny little town...it's tomorrow night. Not sure how updated the info was...and I can't call them. Too much anxiety. I can't even go into Walmart without my dope. The anxiety is too much.
Oh, yeah, I have anxiety problems too...not on anything for it...used to be on Zoloft, years ago...didn't do anything. So the opiates help me become mr social. Without them? Pfft.

So yeah, I know I need help, bad and soon. I -really- want to go to NA or church...but I fear come tomorrow night, I will let the panic and anxiety take hold and not go. I always feel like my presence is a burdon on people. I won't even call to make drs appointments...

I don't know what to do. I want to enjoy things without pills. I want to live again. I'm so insanely stressed right now. Our utilities are going to be shut off by next week and I have no way of getting money for them as I spent it all on opiates.

I was such a good person...

FLA

I don't know if you know it or not but you just took your first step to sobriety by posting on here!! I feel for your anxiety, I also suffer from anxiety but I have come to learn from experience that when you have anxiety about something and just do it instead of dwelling on it and thinking about how bad it could be or might be , it turns out that it's not that bad if you just face it. You should really go to that na meeting. You should use your son as motivation as well as your health and your future. Keep at it khardbored, there's so much more to life!

stillsleeping

Hey Khardboard, welcome to SR That was a really cool post - FLA is exactly right, that you've made a massive step coming here. It really sounds like you've done a lot of the hard work already - for so many of us, just coming round to the fact that we need to quit is haaard.

As for the anxiety, for one: drugs cause it. I'm not saying your use is the only trigger, but it will be making it worse. So look forward to that easing up. For two: you don't have to worry about feeling confident for your meeting. I don't attend, but all of my SR friends that do, love it. I imagine you'll be made very welcome and someone will walk you through it.

The best part is you're among friends now. Pretty much everyone here will want to help you out and we're a friendly bunch. Welcome to the fold!

Really nice to meetcha

Still
xx

artsoul

Welcome khardbored!

It's terrifying to give up an addiction. I thought my life would end when I quit drinking, but I found the opposite to be true. The further I got from my last drink, the better my life got and I found myself thinking "what the hell was I doing to myself?"! When I was drinking I felt so tired, sad and anxious all the time, like each day was this huge mountain I had to climb.

I'm glad you're here - we have a section on substance abuse you may want to check out, too:
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Things really can get better!:ghug3

littlefish

Congratulations on your decision to do something about your drug addiction and drinking. Do you have a program? I can tell you how I began the process: I started with a visit to the doctor for blood work: liver levels. It is at the doc's appointment that you can also discuss the need for assisted detox. You don't mention how much you are drinking, but quitting cold turkey can be dangerous. I have ended up in the ER more than once trying to quit cold turkey and it is not a wise choice. Your doctor can help you evaluate if you will need assistance to stop both the alcohol and the drugs at the same time.
Then I contacted an outpatient program. The week I started there, I went to my first AA meeting. I know exactly how you feel. The night before my first appointment at outpatient, I was terrified to stop drinking, and terrified not to stop drinking.

It is VERY common to have those kinds of conflicted feelings. But, it is the addiction and the mental obsession with drinking and drugging that makes you question the usefulness of recovery. Actively drinking I always told myself: "it's not so bad", "I can handle it" and so on.
Try taking a few small steps: doctor appointment for blood work and detox evaluation, first NA and even maybe AA meeting, look into some outpatient care. And, you will find after even the first small step, that people will come forward to give you help and support.