again...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 181
again...
I understand there are some people on here who think that I'm so unmotivated and a horrible mother and it does affect me that people who barely know me can make such assumptions about me but I do value all your opinions anyway. My Mom came over for dinner tonight and after witnessing a slight difference of opinion between my 8 yr old son and his father...she told us he was ungrateful and spoiled. When my son and AH went outside, my boy comes in crying that Dad punched him in the stomach and that it hurt really bad...i comforted him but my mom said that he just Acts this way...and that he should do what his Dad told him... And my AH said he did not punch him he only slapped him a little...later my son told me Dad claims he didn't but he did...i told him again like I have before that this was not acceptable to me. He knows I've been after AH to quit drinking and even my boy says Dad isn't drinking as much and thinks it's because I have been setting some boundaries.... but this! Now again I am put in this position...I feel so helpless and angry. My son has said he doesnt want to leave his dad but i need to make a move quick no matter where or how i can find the strength and courage to put an end to this..ANd Ah doesn't even think anything is wrong...sleepin away...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Well regardless of what you think about folks here judging you, I do not. You are in a difficult situation that takes time and planning. And it sounds to me that you are processing it all on your own time. To he11 with what anyone else thinks anyway. Its your life, and only you have to answer for it.
Hang in there. Hugs to you and your son, and prayers for continued strength for you during this difficult time.
Hang in there. Hugs to you and your son, and prayers for continued strength for you during this difficult time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
TCB,
When you leave your abusive husband, try to make sure that your child does not think you are leaving because of anything that involves him.
If he thinks you are leaving his father because he (your son) is being abused by his father, then your son will likely believe it is his fault (your son's) that you are sad, that father is angry, and that his family is breaking apart.
This is trauma to a child, taking on that kind of guilt, and it sets deep inside them and can damage them emotionally. They can carry this guilt throughout life and if they receive no counseling of any kind, they may turn to drugs to escape the overwhelming pain around the guilt.
If you leave your husband, it would be best if you can see a counselor for at least a few sessions for some advice on how to protect your child from this kind of guilt.
Hoping you find a safe life for you and your boy.
When you leave your abusive husband, try to make sure that your child does not think you are leaving because of anything that involves him.
If he thinks you are leaving his father because he (your son) is being abused by his father, then your son will likely believe it is his fault (your son's) that you are sad, that father is angry, and that his family is breaking apart.
This is trauma to a child, taking on that kind of guilt, and it sets deep inside them and can damage them emotionally. They can carry this guilt throughout life and if they receive no counseling of any kind, they may turn to drugs to escape the overwhelming pain around the guilt.
If you leave your husband, it would be best if you can see a counselor for at least a few sessions for some advice on how to protect your child from this kind of guilt.
Hoping you find a safe life for you and your boy.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I don't judge you. I know far too well what abusive relationships do to the people who are in them.
Just know this:
You have an ABSOLUTE right to protect your children and yourself from abuse.
No matter what your AH or your mother or anyone else says.
You have an ABSOLUTE right to not live in fear for who he is going to hurt next.
You have a responsibility to stand up for your children -- because no other adult will protect them if you won't. But that's a pressure that probably only makes you anxious right now.
So focus on your RIGHT. Your right to live a life without fear. And call the closest women's shelter and ask them for help. It does get better. Promise. A life without fear is a much better life.
Just know this:
You have an ABSOLUTE right to protect your children and yourself from abuse.
No matter what your AH or your mother or anyone else says.
You have an ABSOLUTE right to not live in fear for who he is going to hurt next.
You have a responsibility to stand up for your children -- because no other adult will protect them if you won't. But that's a pressure that probably only makes you anxious right now.
So focus on your RIGHT. Your right to live a life without fear. And call the closest women's shelter and ask them for help. It does get better. Promise. A life without fear is a much better life.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
TC just for the record, I don't have to "know" anyone well or otherwise to recognize child abuse. In any case, you have and continue once again, to document here the abuse of your son at the hands of your husband. Just wanted to be clear on that.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
I'm going to be completely honest. I often read your threads and want to reply but they're very very triggering for me and I can't say what I want to without getting too emotional. But I'll give it a go.
I'm about to turn 21. My Dad was very abusive, he wasn't a drinker at the time although he is now.
My earliest memories involve lying on the floor being literally kicked up and down a room by him. I was around 5. My memories basically continue in that vein. When I was 15 he beat me so badly that I couldn't go to school for a week, and when I did go back I was still such a mess that social services were contacted. He told me that if I ever told anyone about him he would lose his job, therefore his house and I would have nowhere to live. When I was 16 he found cigarettes in a drawer in my bedroom. He ripped the wooden drawer out of the cabinet and hit me across the face with it. There were hundreds more incidents but these are the ones that come to mind right now!
Ok. Well my mum knew he was violent and dangerous. First of all, she stayed with him until I was 11. When she did finally leave, she did it because she met someone new. And sent me to live with my dad so she could have more time with her new alcoholic partner. So I was staying with my dad being violently attacked during the week, and going to my mums and being verbally and psychologically attacked by her new boyfriend at the weekend, combined with watching them physically fight each other. She couldn't put me first or protect me, I don't think she even wanted to. She is too self obsessed and still puts men first now.
So I grew up with horrible self esteem, I was bullied in school when I was young because I looked poor- my dad isn't poor, he actually has a really powerful job in the fire service- because he wouldn't buy me clothes or let me go to a hairdresser. I soon figured out that if I got to be friends with the rebel girls, I wouldn't have trouble from anyone anymore. So that's what I did, and I spent most of my time age 12-15 drinking, smoking weed, taking any other drugs. I got in some really dangerous situations and was sexually assaulted on two occasions, I count myself lucky nothing worse happened to me. While all this was going on I was also horribly withdrawn, I couldn't hold eye contact or keep a conversation going AT ALL. I was bulimic for a very long time (age 10-19) and I used to self harm. I was very open to predators- at 13-15 I was groomed and then sexually abused by a friend of my dads. I was a complete wreck by the time I hit 16 and very suicidal. I started going out to clubs every night, taking too many drugs, drinking too much etc.
When I was 17 I walked straight into an abusive relationship with a heroin/crack addict who is twice my age. He was abusive and obviously dangerous from the beginning but he told me he loved me and only did these things because he loved me sooo much. There were good times, but only when I was completely isolated and not talking to anyone else ever except for him. I finally left him in October when our daughter was 18 months because the fear of her growing up around him became greater than the fear of what he would do to me if I left. I'm now in counselling, using a domestic violence centre and I attend FA. This is what has turned my life around, things I have done for myself, combined with the fear of him damaging my daughter like my parents did me.
This is just my experiences of being raised by an abusive father and an absent/selfish mother. I'm not saying these things are going to happen to your kids, but it WILL affect them. There is no two ways about that.
I know how hard it is to leave. I really really really do. I struggle a lot some days, I miss him and I want to be back with him but I always keep at the front of my mind that even if I don't think I deserve better, my child definitely does. Without a doubt.
I'm about to turn 21. My Dad was very abusive, he wasn't a drinker at the time although he is now.
My earliest memories involve lying on the floor being literally kicked up and down a room by him. I was around 5. My memories basically continue in that vein. When I was 15 he beat me so badly that I couldn't go to school for a week, and when I did go back I was still such a mess that social services were contacted. He told me that if I ever told anyone about him he would lose his job, therefore his house and I would have nowhere to live. When I was 16 he found cigarettes in a drawer in my bedroom. He ripped the wooden drawer out of the cabinet and hit me across the face with it. There were hundreds more incidents but these are the ones that come to mind right now!
Ok. Well my mum knew he was violent and dangerous. First of all, she stayed with him until I was 11. When she did finally leave, she did it because she met someone new. And sent me to live with my dad so she could have more time with her new alcoholic partner. So I was staying with my dad being violently attacked during the week, and going to my mums and being verbally and psychologically attacked by her new boyfriend at the weekend, combined with watching them physically fight each other. She couldn't put me first or protect me, I don't think she even wanted to. She is too self obsessed and still puts men first now.
So I grew up with horrible self esteem, I was bullied in school when I was young because I looked poor- my dad isn't poor, he actually has a really powerful job in the fire service- because he wouldn't buy me clothes or let me go to a hairdresser. I soon figured out that if I got to be friends with the rebel girls, I wouldn't have trouble from anyone anymore. So that's what I did, and I spent most of my time age 12-15 drinking, smoking weed, taking any other drugs. I got in some really dangerous situations and was sexually assaulted on two occasions, I count myself lucky nothing worse happened to me. While all this was going on I was also horribly withdrawn, I couldn't hold eye contact or keep a conversation going AT ALL. I was bulimic for a very long time (age 10-19) and I used to self harm. I was very open to predators- at 13-15 I was groomed and then sexually abused by a friend of my dads. I was a complete wreck by the time I hit 16 and very suicidal. I started going out to clubs every night, taking too many drugs, drinking too much etc.
When I was 17 I walked straight into an abusive relationship with a heroin/crack addict who is twice my age. He was abusive and obviously dangerous from the beginning but he told me he loved me and only did these things because he loved me sooo much. There were good times, but only when I was completely isolated and not talking to anyone else ever except for him. I finally left him in October when our daughter was 18 months because the fear of her growing up around him became greater than the fear of what he would do to me if I left. I'm now in counselling, using a domestic violence centre and I attend FA. This is what has turned my life around, things I have done for myself, combined with the fear of him damaging my daughter like my parents did me.
This is just my experiences of being raised by an abusive father and an absent/selfish mother. I'm not saying these things are going to happen to your kids, but it WILL affect them. There is no two ways about that.
I know how hard it is to leave. I really really really do. I struggle a lot some days, I miss him and I want to be back with him but I always keep at the front of my mind that even if I don't think I deserve better, my child definitely does. Without a doubt.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by TCB5568 
I'm just stressed and exhausted...worried and anxious...wondering how to handle this or ignore it? AH will think its no big deal again...
I will also second EnglishGarden's post and add that what your 7yo wants is not a factor. Don't even ask him. He should not ever feel like it is his decision or that he even has a say in the decision. He's a little boy and little children almost always pick to stay with their parents no matter how badly abused they are. They are not equipped to make that decision and should not feel like they have anything to do with it.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi TCB! What an awful, stressful evening for both your son and you!
I don't have any children, so I have no personal experience to offer. But it seems to me that even if your son was mouthing off, your husband was out of line to respond by physical means (whether punching or slapping). Your husband is a full-grown adult male, and your little boy is 8 years old. IMHO, your husband has no excuse for resorting to violence--yet he does so repeatedly with all of the children.
As CatsPajamas and TuffGirl have said, having a plan is very important. Have you continued to think about what you would like to do and where you could go if needed?
Continued prayers and many hugs, HG
I don't have any children, so I have no personal experience to offer. But it seems to me that even if your son was mouthing off, your husband was out of line to respond by physical means (whether punching or slapping). Your husband is a full-grown adult male, and your little boy is 8 years old. IMHO, your husband has no excuse for resorting to violence--yet he does so repeatedly with all of the children.
As CatsPajamas and TuffGirl have said, having a plan is very important. Have you continued to think about what you would like to do and where you could go if needed?
Continued prayers and many hugs, HG
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
You are getting unsupportive, confusing messages from your mother, too. It's no wonder with attitudes like hers that you have difficulty filtering what you think, what is normal, what is a "big deal." This is why it's very important for you to get neutral support - a neutral, educated opinion. This is what a domestic violence counselor can provide to you - help you to filter through which messages you are getting from close family members that are distorted or just plain not right.
Keep coming back TCB, the more you process through and record things, the more you will have to be able to look at, and come to your conclusions, and seek changes.
Many people posting here ARE your kids, grown up, and what you post triggers them into painful memories and rages; they don't want to see your children become them. We care about you, and your children, TCB.
Keep coming back, keep listening, keep seeking a way out, TCB. The pathways are there, you just have to get ready to use them.
CLMI
Keep coming back TCB, the more you process through and record things, the more you will have to be able to look at, and come to your conclusions, and seek changes.
Many people posting here ARE your kids, grown up, and what you post triggers them into painful memories and rages; they don't want to see your children become them. We care about you, and your children, TCB.
Keep coming back, keep listening, keep seeking a way out, TCB. The pathways are there, you just have to get ready to use them.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
TCB, my heart goes out to you.
As I work through the abusive aspects of my childhood I am most outraged and sad about how I was not protected. And I am MORE upset at those who had the power to change my situation, and didn't, then I am at my abuser.
My parents did not abuse me, they emotionally neglected me and did not protect me when I came to them with what was happening to me. They said they would protect me, but over and over again they did not. I kept wanting them to, I kept wanting to believe they would finally come through.
I do know that they want to believe they were supportive, and now I can see that they were too wounded to respond differently. But while they said one thing, they did another...which is immensely confusing, hurtful and traumatizing for a child. And it set the scene for how I've lived my life in relationships prior to finding recovery: tolerating abuse and waiting for other people to protect me and follow through on their promises.
A year ago I had to take full custody of my children, and it was scary. But when my exH crossed the line and was physically aggressive with one of my kids I called it out in the open. I will not keep secrets, I will not pretend it's okay, and I will do everything I can to protect them. And believe me, there are people who have minimized it, including my own family. So I have found people who will not minimize what happened, who will support me in what I'm doing and not slip back into the denial that is, quite honestly, toxic. I cannot protect my children from everything in the world, but I can protect them from what is happening in their childhood home, and refuse to douse them in the denial that was the backdrop for me as I was growing up.
Actions speak louder than words. Your son isn't going to want to leave his dad, but it's not his decision because he's a child. It's not his job to shoulder the burden for those kinds of adult decisions.
You can do this, TCB, you can protect him and yourself. Believe me, he will look back someday and see that that you, being the adult and therefore the one with the power to make changes for him, were doing the very best you could. There is always going to be a part of me that wishes my mother had done the same for me. I still grieve that.
posie
As I work through the abusive aspects of my childhood I am most outraged and sad about how I was not protected. And I am MORE upset at those who had the power to change my situation, and didn't, then I am at my abuser.
My parents did not abuse me, they emotionally neglected me and did not protect me when I came to them with what was happening to me. They said they would protect me, but over and over again they did not. I kept wanting them to, I kept wanting to believe they would finally come through.
I do know that they want to believe they were supportive, and now I can see that they were too wounded to respond differently. But while they said one thing, they did another...which is immensely confusing, hurtful and traumatizing for a child. And it set the scene for how I've lived my life in relationships prior to finding recovery: tolerating abuse and waiting for other people to protect me and follow through on their promises.
A year ago I had to take full custody of my children, and it was scary. But when my exH crossed the line and was physically aggressive with one of my kids I called it out in the open. I will not keep secrets, I will not pretend it's okay, and I will do everything I can to protect them. And believe me, there are people who have minimized it, including my own family. So I have found people who will not minimize what happened, who will support me in what I'm doing and not slip back into the denial that is, quite honestly, toxic. I cannot protect my children from everything in the world, but I can protect them from what is happening in their childhood home, and refuse to douse them in the denial that was the backdrop for me as I was growing up.
Actions speak louder than words. Your son isn't going to want to leave his dad, but it's not his decision because he's a child. It's not his job to shoulder the burden for those kinds of adult decisions.
You can do this, TCB, you can protect him and yourself. Believe me, he will look back someday and see that that you, being the adult and therefore the one with the power to make changes for him, were doing the very best you could. There is always going to be a part of me that wishes my mother had done the same for me. I still grieve that.
posie
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
PS: I rarely speak to my parents. They have essentially lost a relationship with me due to not protecting me in my childhood, by saying they love me and then not following through with loving actions, by overlooking me. Even though they did what they could at the time they still pay a price, and so do I. There's a lot at stake, TCB. Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
TCB, you are stronger than you think. We are here for you and will support you the whole way. I agree with the others when they say to contact a women's shelter or a domestic violence group. They can give you advice and support based your situation. The can help you make an action plan to get you and your family out of danger.
Be safe, ((((HUGS))))
Your friend,
Be safe, ((((HUGS))))
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by TCB5568
I'm just stressed and exhausted...worried and anxious...wondering how to handle this or ignore it? AH will think its no big deal again...
Gerry is right - the first step is always the hardest, and you've taken the first step by coming here and sharing your story so its no longer your painful secret. What would a good second step be?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by TCB5568
I'm just stressed and exhausted...worried and anxious...wondering how to handle this or ignore it? AH will think its no big deal again...
I believe in order to get different results, we have to DO something differently. If you have exhausted all the options you can think of to "handle it," why not call the DV helpline and find out what their suggestions are?
L
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