just need to express feelings
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 9
just need to express feelings
Hi everyone,
I just need to express my anger and resentment towards my sister and want to get advice as to whether I am wrong for feeling this way.
My sister knows my problems with drinking and knows I am staying away from alcohol. I went to visit two weekends ago, as we were dropping my nephew off at her friends house, so he can visit with his friend, we were invitied in to have wine. I told my sister in the driveway that I don't want to drink. She said, well just have water. When I was offered wine I declined and drank water. 5:30 pm lasted till 12:30am. My sister and brother in law and her friends got drunk. I wanted to leave but didn't know how to get back to my sisters house.
I felt betrayed and feel that my sister isn't a friend or cares. I feel I can't trust her.
I want to spend time with my family but I feel so sad because my father and sister both drink everytime we're all get together. We have never had a get together without alcohol. I feel that I have an ultimatum in life. Alcohol and my family or Sober and lonely. Thank you for listening to my rant.
I just need to express my anger and resentment towards my sister and want to get advice as to whether I am wrong for feeling this way.
My sister knows my problems with drinking and knows I am staying away from alcohol. I went to visit two weekends ago, as we were dropping my nephew off at her friends house, so he can visit with his friend, we were invitied in to have wine. I told my sister in the driveway that I don't want to drink. She said, well just have water. When I was offered wine I declined and drank water. 5:30 pm lasted till 12:30am. My sister and brother in law and her friends got drunk. I wanted to leave but didn't know how to get back to my sisters house.
I felt betrayed and feel that my sister isn't a friend or cares. I feel I can't trust her.
I want to spend time with my family but I feel so sad because my father and sister both drink everytime we're all get together. We have never had a get together without alcohol. I feel that I have an ultimatum in life. Alcohol and my family or Sober and lonely. Thank you for listening to my rant.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,465
Hi and Welcome,
That's a really difficult position to be in, but it does sound your sister really doesn't respect your choice. Maybe you can suggest getting together with your sister for coffee, or maybe you need to step away for awhile and see if you feel comfortable at a later time.
That's a really difficult position to be in, but it does sound your sister really doesn't respect your choice. Maybe you can suggest getting together with your sister for coffee, or maybe you need to step away for awhile and see if you feel comfortable at a later time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,397
I was looking back over my old posts from over a year ago and one of the things that kept coming up as an issue was my anger/resentment. I was more often than not angry/resentful and came here a lot to vent. I know it helped me get through a lot of tough times.
I'm only on day 6 this time around and although my husband's been drinking as usual (and knows I'm not drinking) I haven't yet gotten to the boiling point. Every family event revolves around drinking for me too. In fact, huge pitchers of Bloody Marys will be out midday on Easter. I have to consciously prepare myself for every event and part of me dreads them. Unfortunately, I know from past experience that I can't change their behavior; I can only change mine.
I think Sapling's suggestion is a good one... to drive separately if you can. If not, and since you know some people won't be supportive, perhaps you should reiterate your goals and decline invites until they get the picture.
This isn't easy, is it? UGGHHH.
Be true to yourself. You're worth it!!!!!
I'm only on day 6 this time around and although my husband's been drinking as usual (and knows I'm not drinking) I haven't yet gotten to the boiling point. Every family event revolves around drinking for me too. In fact, huge pitchers of Bloody Marys will be out midday on Easter. I have to consciously prepare myself for every event and part of me dreads them. Unfortunately, I know from past experience that I can't change their behavior; I can only change mine.
I think Sapling's suggestion is a good one... to drive separately if you can. If not, and since you know some people won't be supportive, perhaps you should reiterate your goals and decline invites until they get the picture.
This isn't easy, is it? UGGHHH.
Be true to yourself. You're worth it!!!!!
a southern belle
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: tennessee
Posts: 265
Hey sugar...I think your feelings have merit...unfortunately. It's very very sad to read the disappointment and betrayal in your words. Your sister and her husband should be ashamed. Stay away...get strong...stay sober and things will work out for the best. TRUST this! Good love, mags
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 1,067
Family definately makes it hard if they drink. Friends are one thing... but family is not something that can just be given up. I'm still new to not drinking and haven't completely figured this part of my plan. For now... I am simply going to stay away from family get togethers where I know they will be drinking. It's unfortunate... but until I learn more about my triggers and such I need to play it safe. I think if I schedule time to see them seperately there will not be as much of a chance that alcohol will be around. Also-- I've made it clear to them that I don't want to drink anymore. I can't control what they do but I can control myself!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Jax beach fl
Posts: 143
Sounds like they don't quite understand what alcoholism is or how it works. That must of been so hard to not drink with them, all my relapses have been because my friends were drinking around me. I'm sure if you try to tell them how irritating it is when they drink around you and that they're jeopardizing your sobriety maybe they will stop?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Here
Posts: 183
Saplings escape plan was my 1st thought as well. Even if you have to call yourself a cab...gotta do whats best for your own recovery, at all times.
Other peoples suggestions as to planning non-drinking get togethers with family, to get that time card punched in the mean time, might be the way to go. But a open-honest discussion can only help.
Other peoples suggestions as to planning non-drinking get togethers with family, to get that time card punched in the mean time, might be the way to go. But a open-honest discussion can only help.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Here
Posts: 183
Saplings escape plan was my 1st thought as well. Even if you have to call yourself a cab...gotta do whats best for your own recovery, at all times.
Other peoples suggestions as to planning non-drinking get togethers with family, to get that time card punched in the mean time, might be the way to go. But a open-honest discussion can only help.
Other peoples suggestions as to planning non-drinking get togethers with family, to get that time card punched in the mean time, might be the way to go. But a open-honest discussion can only help.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
One of my biggest aids in recovery is planning, planning, planning. You know your father and sister drink, so, for the time being, just accept that: you are not going to change them. What you can change is whether or not you want to be around them when drinking is the primary activity. Always plan your interaction with them: where will it be, will you have an escape plan, will you have your own transportation?
Good planning means you can plan any resentment right out of the scenario as well. If you plan for your own transport, you won't be trapped, thus you will not feel resentful...
You can also take ownership of your interaction with them: breakfasts, brunches, lunches, outings in parks, outdoor shopping tours, walks, going to movies or the theater are all activities that generally do not involve alcohol and they would have to try really hard to inject drinking into those situations. Taking control of your interaction with them means you might have to be a little more decisive and aggressive: if you are not used to being that way, and they usually set the tone for your encounters, yes, it will be a challenge for you. But a good one, right?
I have a family of alcoholics. I know that when I am around them the first suggestion for an activity will be going to a bar or the package liquor store and then drinking to inebriation at home. I have been dealing with that situation for about 6 -7 years now. It is not easy. Yes, you can have feelings of resentment and think they don't care. But, go easy on the thinking they don't care. They might be alcoholics: and in that case, drinking is everything for them. We know about that, right? If they aren't, they probably don't understand anything about alcoholism. They just don't get it.
But we alcoholics can't spend our time trying to teach the rest of the world how to understand us and how to be around us. We have to take life on life's terms. Next time: try showing up with one or two large bottles of your favorite non-alcoholic beverage, have your own transportation or a plan for it, in the form of a friend driving you or a taxi. Be prepared to leave courteously as soon as the party makes you feel uncomfortable. Wake up the next morning sober and feeling great!
Good planning means you can plan any resentment right out of the scenario as well. If you plan for your own transport, you won't be trapped, thus you will not feel resentful...
You can also take ownership of your interaction with them: breakfasts, brunches, lunches, outings in parks, outdoor shopping tours, walks, going to movies or the theater are all activities that generally do not involve alcohol and they would have to try really hard to inject drinking into those situations. Taking control of your interaction with them means you might have to be a little more decisive and aggressive: if you are not used to being that way, and they usually set the tone for your encounters, yes, it will be a challenge for you. But a good one, right?
I have a family of alcoholics. I know that when I am around them the first suggestion for an activity will be going to a bar or the package liquor store and then drinking to inebriation at home. I have been dealing with that situation for about 6 -7 years now. It is not easy. Yes, you can have feelings of resentment and think they don't care. But, go easy on the thinking they don't care. They might be alcoholics: and in that case, drinking is everything for them. We know about that, right? If they aren't, they probably don't understand anything about alcoholism. They just don't get it.
But we alcoholics can't spend our time trying to teach the rest of the world how to understand us and how to be around us. We have to take life on life's terms. Next time: try showing up with one or two large bottles of your favorite non-alcoholic beverage, have your own transportation or a plan for it, in the form of a friend driving you or a taxi. Be prepared to leave courteously as soon as the party makes you feel uncomfortable. Wake up the next morning sober and feeling great!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 9
Thank you for the advice. I'm at a point in my sobriety that even thinking about going to see them the anxiety is so overwhelming. And when I feel that anxiety that is when I want to drink. If I"m not going to see them I am fine.
I really feel like drinking today. I want the bottle of wine to soothe the anxiety within. This is too much for me. I want to drink/I don't want to drink. I feel like I'm going bonkers. Drinking will soothe me. I just want to escape the pain temporarily.
I really feel like drinking today. I want the bottle of wine to soothe the anxiety within. This is too much for me. I want to drink/I don't want to drink. I feel like I'm going bonkers. Drinking will soothe me. I just want to escape the pain temporarily.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,397
Ohhh... please don't pick up today, RM. Try to read here and post instead if you can. That bottle of wine may look good especially if you're thinking eff it all, but all drinking it will do is bring you even lower. It's a temporary fix.
I know this from experience. I can almost FEEL your pain. Wow.
Sending you some ideas that usually help me.
1) Are you able to get outside for a bit? Plug in some headphones and listen to some music. (I listen to certain songs when I'm really angry)
2) Can you get to the gym?
3) Do you like to cook? Turn on some music you like, look for a recipe and cook up a storm.
4) Take a shower or bath. Sometimes I'll take one even if it's not the first of the day because I feel like I'm washing the feeling away... and it may sound funny but the smell of the soap brings me up.
5) Do you have a pet? Bury your face in it's fur.
6) The day before yesterday I was feeling awful. At wit's end. I literally SCREAMED my thoughts out loud while driving to my dad's in the car.
Please hang in there. Don't let this beat you. Make a conscious effort to BREATHE. Be good to yourself, RM. You deserve that even if you're not feeling it right now.
I know this from experience. I can almost FEEL your pain. Wow.
Sending you some ideas that usually help me.
1) Are you able to get outside for a bit? Plug in some headphones and listen to some music. (I listen to certain songs when I'm really angry)
2) Can you get to the gym?
3) Do you like to cook? Turn on some music you like, look for a recipe and cook up a storm.
4) Take a shower or bath. Sometimes I'll take one even if it's not the first of the day because I feel like I'm washing the feeling away... and it may sound funny but the smell of the soap brings me up.
5) Do you have a pet? Bury your face in it's fur.
6) The day before yesterday I was feeling awful. At wit's end. I literally SCREAMED my thoughts out loud while driving to my dad's in the car.
Please hang in there. Don't let this beat you. Make a conscious effort to BREATHE. Be good to yourself, RM. You deserve that even if you're not feeling it right now.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 53
Release,
You may want to read about AVRT on the secular connection part if this site...you've just perfectly described your Addictive Voice trying to get you to drink again, (I want to drink/I don't want to drink)...
For some here, including me, it really makes sense and can help you sort thru/disregard those Beast thoughts...
You may want to read about AVRT on the secular connection part if this site...you've just perfectly described your Addictive Voice trying to get you to drink again, (I want to drink/I don't want to drink)...
For some here, including me, it really makes sense and can help you sort thru/disregard those Beast thoughts...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Near Scranton PA
Posts: 424
"Friends are one thing... but family is not something that can just be given up."
Sadly, I have to disagree with that. Family can be given up. Not without a lot of soul searching but I've come to the conclusion that there are certain members of my family that are toxic and I forego the pleasure of their company. Necessary for my sobriety and my sanity.
Sadly, I have to disagree with that. Family can be given up. Not without a lot of soul searching but I've come to the conclusion that there are certain members of my family that are toxic and I forego the pleasure of their company. Necessary for my sobriety and my sanity.
I'm here to learn!
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: I'm on it!
Posts: 2,038
Originally Posted by SOBERINNEPA 
Sadly, I have to disagree with that. Family can be given up. Not without a lot of soul searching but I've come to the conclusion that there are certain members of my family that are toxic and I forego the pleasure of their company. Necessary for my sobriety and my sanity.
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