Support, advice needed

Old 04-04-2012, 05:11 PM
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Post Support, advice needed

Hi SR forums,
My first post here. I need help and advice.
I "woke up" to the fact that my girlfriend has a drinking problem this week, but the signs have all been there and getting worse for at least a year or two now. I have done a lot of reading on this forum and others over the last week to try and educate myself about this disease.

Going from a list I found about "first signs of alcoholism", she:
*Drinks alone, or when drinking with others drinks much more than anyone else.
*She has described to me that she drinks to feel "tingly" or happy in some way. She sometimes drinks alone then dances by herself in her room.
*She drinks more than anyone else I know, and even though she is quite small she can out-drink me (I'm male and 20kg bigger).
*She will drink 10+ glasses of wine/champagne (I lost count after that) and still be quite functional and chatty.
*Every occasion is an excuse to drink
*Every weekend is an excuse to drink. Her weekend is Sunday/Monday off work but she will join us for after work drinks on Friday (then we end up drinking a lot...)
*After drinking similar to us on a night out will be quite happy and go to work the next day while I am nauseous with a terrible hangover the next day.
*Is verbally abusive to me when I bring up her drinking habits, tells me I caused it, down-plays it, is defensive, threatens to break up with me...
*Generally gets verbally abusive to me when she is drinking and denies it the next day, even when her relatives told her that as well. I am always "walking on egg shells" on a night where we are going out partying because I know she will start getting angry and "bitc*y" to me as the night rolls on.


I have started by telling her "I cannot be in a relationship with someone with a drinking problem". I do not want to be an enabler, although in hindsight I have been enabling, by putting up with her abuse and pleading/nagging her to cut back on the drinking, rather than taking action (leaving the relationship).

The last time she drunk was Sunday the 1st of April. I have told her it is up to her whether she wants to quit or not. I dearly hope she can somehow stop drinking cold turkey and everything can go back to normal but I feel violated by this and feel like I cannot trust her.

Anyway, long post, I am looking for support, advice, I read somewhere that "Stage 1" alcoholism (which I think this is?) can be turned around provided the partner takes the correct action. What steps should I take? Separation?

Making matters worse, we have been living together, with other flatmates, for I think over 3 years so all my savings over that time would be up for grabs (and her debt incurred prior to our relationship), because we might be in a de-facto relationship.

Peace.
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Old 04-04-2012, 07:46 PM
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If you've ready any posts at all around here you've surely run across this:

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

These are hard Truths and take some time to digest.

After we realize that we can't control or cure our loved one's addiction, then our task is to decide what we want for our OWN lives. If we accept our loved ones just as they are, without any expectation of change, we must decide if we want to live this type of lifestyle.

There is more to consider, however. The big thing about addiction/alcoholism is that it is a progressive disease, meaning that without treatment things will change and get worse over time. The best book I've read that describes most of the physiological changes and some of the psychological ones is Under the Influence by Milam and Ketchum. Very educational and eye-opening. I highly recommend it. (After reading it I also cut waaaaaaaaay back on my own drinking from 10-14 glasses/week to about 1-2 glasses/week.)

Of course the book Co-Dependent No More by M Beattie is equivalent to the Bible around here which teaches us how to stop allowing other's problems become our own and how to establish healthy boundaries.

Welcome to SR -- you have friends here!
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Old 04-04-2012, 08:01 PM
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First let me say welcome to SR friend. You have come to the right place to learn about alcoholism and share with others who have or do walk in the same shoes you’re in. I’ll be honest, I get very mixed emotions about your situation. From the things you’ve observed it sounds like your GF does have a drinking problem. Drinking alone is a touchy one. I am not an alcoholic and used to drink alone on occasion, say a glass of wine. My GF on the other hand is an alcoholic and when she drinks alone it is more like a few bottles of wine and daily. The tolerance level you mentioned, however, is much more concerning. That is a LOT (10+glasses) to drink in a night and still be functional. The verbal abuse and attitude when you shine a spotlight on her drinking is also a strong indicator of the severity of her problem.

Let me play Devil’s advocate for a minute though…You mention a few times, “…after drinking like US,” and, “…will join US for after work drinks,” etc. You also mention partying and being hung over yourself. You have to ask yourself, if you really care about her and her sobriety, “Is this lifestyle conducive to helping or hurting the situation?” I think the answer is obvious. Easy before you get mad… I used to be quite a social drinker myself. I’m a trained chef, among other things, and I truly enjoy liquor, wine, and spirits, but when the love of my life confided to me that she had a drinking problem I simply said, “Well, WE don’t drink anymore.” Even though drinking isn’t a problem for me, I quit for her. Even if you don’t go that far, it seems the partying and other behavior may need some scrutiny in my opinion.

It also seems you’re also trying to decide if you should stay or go. That is the proverbial question that everyone, in sober or alcoholic relationships, asks at one point or another. All I can suggest concerning such an important matter is to set boundaries, identify some level of duress that you will not exceed, and most of all take care of YOU if you feel that your emotions, beliefs, values, identity, and health are being compromised. Keep reading and thinking and things will become more clear. Good luck.
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Old 04-04-2012, 08:48 PM
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dvd and tjp, thank you both so much for your support.

dvd, you have not upset me, thank you for giving me a reality check. Sometimes I do drink to excess. I am 25 and didn't really party before I met her so I guess I felt I should make up for it now. Actually she is my first relationship so sometimes I do not know what is "normal" in terms of arguing and fighting with your partner.

Occasionally a friend and I will go for a beer or 2 on a Friday after work. Sometimes I would go out and get drunk (once every 2 months or so). My own drinking that I was talking about was before I realized she had a problem. But now that I am aware that she has a problem with drinking, you are right, I might need to stop drinking forever. I was planning to not drink for 1 month to see if she would/could do it too, but maybe a permanent "no more drinking" policy would be better. What is your experience on this?

I like your phrase “Well, WE don’t drink anymore.” I wish we could face this problem in such a mature way together without her hating me along the way. If she just said "help me" I would be there for her in a second.

I am worried so I called our local drug and alcohol helpline and will help her go in for an assessment.

tjp, thank you for your support. To be honest, if she stayed the same (heavy drinking through most weekends) or got worse, I could not live the rest of my life with her because I could not let my future children have a mother who was like this. From reading this site and others, it looks like I am being an enabler if she continues drinking to excess and I stay in a relationship with her. I love her too much to do that to her. Thank you for the book references as well.

Thank you both for your support and ideas, it means a lot.
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Old 04-04-2012, 09:35 PM
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Welcome.
When a partner threatens to leave us over alcohol, the partner means it. Your gf appears to be an alcoholic and completely in love with drinking.

It's very unlikely she will "stop cold turkey" and that "everything will go back to normal." (It sounds as if it has never been normal really).

Alcohol loosens inhibitions. So if you stay with her, prepare yourself for some shocking behavior. And possible infidelity. Alcoholics do not keep promises, about anything. And when they break their promises, they are very skilled at covering it up and making their partner feel/look crazy.

Good luck. Read the Sticky links on the opening page and you'll know more about the rollercoaster.

Just don't sacrifice your values and standards to her addiction. You'd be amazed how much we minimize being abused by our alcoholic partners.
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Old 04-05-2012, 03:39 AM
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Originally Posted by WorriedGuy View Post

Occasionally a friend and I will go for a beer or 2 on a Friday after work. Sometimes I would go out and get drunk (once every 2 months or so). My own drinking that I was talking about was before I realized she had a problem. But now that I am aware that she has a problem with drinking, you are right, I might need to stop drinking forever. I was planning to not drink for 1 month to see if she would/could do it too, but maybe a permanent "no more drinking" policy would be better. What is your experience on this?
What I have seen is that my choice to stop has had very little if no effect on helping my GF in her struggle. I can say it has helped by not having alcohol in the house to trigger the desire to drink. She seems more apt to do something if it is in front of her; although when a relapse is bad NOTHING will stop/help her but her. She has confided to me that certain activities, places, and people act as triggers for her too. Those we promptly removed from our lives because those aspects are clearly defined and easily dealt with. The bottom line, from my perspective, is that my choice has probably helped in a very minor and indirect way but it has helped me a lot knowing that I did something that I feel good about. You sound like you really care about your GF. Your being here at SR says a lot. Now that you have an idea of what this is, keep reading and you will uncover many, many questions that you will have to answer for yourself. Hang in there friend.
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Old 04-05-2012, 04:02 AM
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IT's a terrible position to be in.

All I can say is, you will be beating yourself over the head over and over and over again , she will not change because you think she should, she won't even change for herself, she will keep doing what she is doing until she and only she sees it as a problem, and then she will change her mind again sounds like she is not even close.

There is no thing you can say or do that will change it. Even threatening to leave will be met with more verbal abuse, it's a no win situation for you at this point becasue she thinks she is having fun.

2 years is a long time to be dealing with it, some people deal with it a lot longer than that. I feel your pain, , it's agonizingly difficult to move away, it hurts alot.

The only thing that is infront of you is your life, you have to love yourself enough to know that sometimes the most difficult thing to do is what has to be done for your own happiness. After all I have allowed myself to be put through the only thing I can say is Run, run far and run fast, because you deserve to be content. Wishing you all the best, love to you K
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Old 04-05-2012, 04:02 AM
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Tj is right, you wont be able to stop her drinking, that decision has to come from inside, and speaking as an alky, I know that nagging doesnt work. However , if she decides she wants to stop, then you can do a lot to support that by not drinking in her company. You have done right by coming to SR.
You cant do worse than give her a link to the site, and tell her to mooch around. Many of us do know we have a problem, but do not know what to do about it - it is a major thing to admit to alcoholism and to come to terms with never drinking again.
Little steps may move her to that realisation
I wish you well.
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Old 04-05-2012, 05:08 PM
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My counselor had me tell my XAH to do 90 AA meetings in 90 days if he wanted to stay married to me......he didn't do it.......I couldn't live like that......divorced 4 1/2 yrs. and doing good.......it was sad.....it was hard......I just couldn't live like that.....
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