Sponsor
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
At 12 step recovery meetings there are general formats that are followed for reading, reflecting, praying and sharing. The meetings almost always last an hour. If you have 12-125 people at a meeting it's not as though there is a lot of time for a person to go into depth when sharing, even if a group breaks out into small groups to share. Also as a general rule there is not cross talk at a meeting, so people don't respond directly to anyone who has shared. The health of a meeting is maintained by keeping to these housekeeping guidelines.
That being said, imagine being new, confused, in crisis, curious, desperate for information, guidance, attention, care...just someone to listen! A sponsor can become a long term mentor. Sometimes a sponsor is "temporary" just someone you ask to meet with you and start sharing/asking questions/seeking guidance until you can find someone to act as a more permanent sponsor.
I have plenty of friends ("normies" and fellowship friends) and family members, colleagues, acquaintances etc, etc. But no one knows the side of me that my sponsor does...she can call me out because she knows my alcoholic quirks, my codependent tricks, my self pity, my self centeredness and my shame...and she knows how it all comes together as an impulse to "use".
Sponsors don't have to be experts. Sponsors just have to be honest and relate to your through recovery. Though a sponsor often becomes a great friend, they are a friend who will call you on your score like no one else will. Addiction is cunning, baffling, powerful (and patient) and a sponsor relationship is set up in a manner which means they have the knowledge to see right through the baffling bullshi!.
It takes one to know one. You have to have the inside story and know your way around the insane maze of the head games of resentment, denial, avoidance, blame and all of the other "excuses to use". That's why its likely that only a fellow recovering addict, even in early recovery, can sponsor...
when in recovery a person pretty much self determines when they feel ready to sponsor someone else. often, however, ones sponsor lets you know when they think you are ready. when you start to sponsor then recovery comes full circle...when you start giving back and getting outside of your own head to help someone else in need...then your recovery grows and becomes much stronger.
it's about spiritual connection
there's a joke about religion being for those who don't want to go to hell
and the spirituality of recovery being for those who have already been to hell and don't ever want to go back
That being said, imagine being new, confused, in crisis, curious, desperate for information, guidance, attention, care...just someone to listen! A sponsor can become a long term mentor. Sometimes a sponsor is "temporary" just someone you ask to meet with you and start sharing/asking questions/seeking guidance until you can find someone to act as a more permanent sponsor.
I have plenty of friends ("normies" and fellowship friends) and family members, colleagues, acquaintances etc, etc. But no one knows the side of me that my sponsor does...she can call me out because she knows my alcoholic quirks, my codependent tricks, my self pity, my self centeredness and my shame...and she knows how it all comes together as an impulse to "use".
Sponsors don't have to be experts. Sponsors just have to be honest and relate to your through recovery. Though a sponsor often becomes a great friend, they are a friend who will call you on your score like no one else will. Addiction is cunning, baffling, powerful (and patient) and a sponsor relationship is set up in a manner which means they have the knowledge to see right through the baffling bullshi!.
It takes one to know one. You have to have the inside story and know your way around the insane maze of the head games of resentment, denial, avoidance, blame and all of the other "excuses to use". That's why its likely that only a fellow recovering addict, even in early recovery, can sponsor...
when in recovery a person pretty much self determines when they feel ready to sponsor someone else. often, however, ones sponsor lets you know when they think you are ready. when you start to sponsor then recovery comes full circle...when you start giving back and getting outside of your own head to help someone else in need...then your recovery grows and becomes much stronger.
it's about spiritual connection
there's a joke about religion being for those who don't want to go to hell
and the spirituality of recovery being for those who have already been to hell and don't ever want to go back
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 159
I actually have a question about this.....we are working out a safety plan for my ex's visits w/ our daughter. We are working on putting parameters in so we can (hopefully) identify any relapse before ex goes in it (and risks our 3 year old in the process). Ex and a counselor came up w/ the idea of giving me his sponsor's contact info to reach out to in the event I am concerned of a relapse. Also, the idea was to have sponsor reach out to me in the event that sponsor feels ex at risk of relapse.
Question - would the sponsor REALLY reach out to me if he thought ex was at risk? I don't know the "protocol" for the sponsor relationship....are there any "implied code of ethics"????
New to this, so just curious if the safety plan we are drafting is realistic....maybe I should post a new thread on the topic....
Question - would the sponsor REALLY reach out to me if he thought ex was at risk? I don't know the "protocol" for the sponsor relationship....are there any "implied code of ethics"????
New to this, so just curious if the safety plan we are drafting is realistic....maybe I should post a new thread on the topic....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
I'm not ashamed to admit that I once had all of my ex's contact numbers in my phone. I thought that it would be really helpful to promote transparency. I thought that secrecy is fertilizer for addiction, so why not blow secrecy out of the water by opening the communication. I thought that getting rid of egg shells...putting all the cards on the table...would help. I thought sharing what I knew of my ex's excuses, behaviors, mental states, risks, etc etc, would help anyone involved in his recovery to understand him. I thought that having a private facebook page dedicated to his recovery with his most intimate fellows in recovery as members would help him be honest. I thought that drafting relapse prevention plans, using online templates as tools, would help. I thought that making the calls to his friends, family and sponsor, when he went missing to use...would help. I thought a lot of things...and I tried EVERYTHING.
There are such things as "recovery teams". Transparency can be helpful...
Try whatever you want to try.
His recovery is up to him.
Keep yourself healthy. Keep learning about what you need for healthy boundaries.
Its a school of hard knocks and graduation is when you learn to let go.
There are such things as "recovery teams". Transparency can be helpful...
Try whatever you want to try.
His recovery is up to him.
Keep yourself healthy. Keep learning about what you need for healthy boundaries.
Its a school of hard knocks and graduation is when you learn to let go.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 159
Hi Leslie - I appreciate your post. I'm all for letting go (still working on it - however - just trying to keep our daughter safe and not sure how to best go about that)? What do you mean by "recovery teams"?
Any insight would be helpful - feel free to drop a personal note as I know I am deviating from the original question here....
Any insight would be helpful - feel free to drop a personal note as I know I am deviating from the original question here....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
"recovery team" is a loose term that I have heard.
I considered myself part of my ex's "team" because I am in recovery myself and we had many recovery friends in common. I figured I knew him best, I could see through his behavior and hold him accountable...and I let other people know what was up.
I guess at the end of the day it was all just my "informed" attempt to control that which I am powerless over...someone else's addiction. If the addict wants/needs the extra help/support of a "team" and they set themselves up with a group I am sure they can benefit by the love, support and care as they put the work into their own recovery.
No one else can do it for them...but others can certainly support and assist as requested.
Some people who are trying to really make it in recovery require more energy and commitment and time than one sponsor can give. they set up small group discussions, they have more than one sponsor, they have a few people that they are committed to check in with via phone each day...that sort of thing.
I considered myself part of my ex's "team" because I am in recovery myself and we had many recovery friends in common. I figured I knew him best, I could see through his behavior and hold him accountable...and I let other people know what was up.
I guess at the end of the day it was all just my "informed" attempt to control that which I am powerless over...someone else's addiction. If the addict wants/needs the extra help/support of a "team" and they set themselves up with a group I am sure they can benefit by the love, support and care as they put the work into their own recovery.
No one else can do it for them...but others can certainly support and assist as requested.
Some people who are trying to really make it in recovery require more energy and commitment and time than one sponsor can give. they set up small group discussions, they have more than one sponsor, they have a few people that they are committed to check in with via phone each day...that sort of thing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
Would a sponsor know if a sponsee was in danger of relapse? In my experience, sponsors do tend to keep a bit of distance (unless they are the kind that do tests of willingness). Also, my understanding is that sponsors do not initiate any communication. (i.e. they respond to calls, but do not make them.)
I ended up losing a number of sponsors because I did not know how things were supposed to work.
I ended up losing a number of sponsors because I did not know how things were supposed to work.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
itsanewday----It is clear that the counselor is not very knowledgeable about addiction. It would be more wise to have something like a urinalysis or hair follicle test be part of unsupervised visitation rights. Supervised visitation would be in the best interest of the child/children.
A sponsor's role is solely to guide one through the steps of recovery. There is no way to know if someone will relapse or not. A sponsor is NOT a personal police contact. That is definitely NOT their role.
Some sponsors DO initiate communication, some do not. Anyone who chooses someone with 5 more days is a fool. That person with 5 more days is another friend in recovery, not necessarily sponsor material.
I'd prefer someone who has stayed stopped for a much longer period of time. Someone who has worked the steps into their life, has had a spiritual awakening as a result of working the steps, lives soberly, and lives the steps of recovery.
I've never heard of a recovery team unless it's in regard to an underage teen.
Best wishes,
A sponsor's role is solely to guide one through the steps of recovery. There is no way to know if someone will relapse or not. A sponsor is NOT a personal police contact. That is definitely NOT their role.
Some sponsors DO initiate communication, some do not. Anyone who chooses someone with 5 more days is a fool. That person with 5 more days is another friend in recovery, not necessarily sponsor material.
I'd prefer someone who has stayed stopped for a much longer period of time. Someone who has worked the steps into their life, has had a spiritual awakening as a result of working the steps, lives soberly, and lives the steps of recovery.
I've never heard of a recovery team unless it's in regard to an underage teen.
Best wishes,
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
From my experience my ex ah's sponsor was one of the last one's to realize that my ex was using again ~
Not saying anything bad about the sponsor ~ he is a great guy ~ has a lot of faith & hope in people & in the program ~ he just didn't LIVE with my ex 24/7 & had NO clue of what was going on before or after the meetings. My ex hid his relapses from his "recovery" sponsors & friends for over a year before the pretend recovery started to show.
I truly believe a sponsor can only be as good as the sponsee allows them to be. . . Just my experience, strength and hope. . .
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Not saying anything bad about the sponsor ~ he is a great guy ~ has a lot of faith & hope in people & in the program ~ he just didn't LIVE with my ex 24/7 & had NO clue of what was going on before or after the meetings. My ex hid his relapses from his "recovery" sponsors & friends for over a year before the pretend recovery started to show.
I truly believe a sponsor can only be as good as the sponsee allows them to be. . . Just my experience, strength and hope. . .
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 159
Again - thank you everyone. I feel like I completely deviated from the original question here, so appreciate all of the thoughts.
Sugarbear - we do have random drug testing built into the draft safety plan. However, wording indicates urinalyis and I would like to do hair follicle testing if I want - so will put that in - thanks for the suggestion. Right now visits are supervised but after 90 days it is in our divorce decree to have unsupervised. That is something I am going to meet with my attorney about as ex is living in sober housing.
Im not sure when I would want supervised visits???? When I should be comfortable? Not that I ever really will be, but I assume I will have to give that to my ex at some point That is what makes me nervous - how do you really know when a relapse occurs? Hoping "if" it did ex would just flake on the visit rather than endanger our child, but one never knows...
Sugarbear - we do have random drug testing built into the draft safety plan. However, wording indicates urinalyis and I would like to do hair follicle testing if I want - so will put that in - thanks for the suggestion. Right now visits are supervised but after 90 days it is in our divorce decree to have unsupervised. That is something I am going to meet with my attorney about as ex is living in sober housing.
Im not sure when I would want supervised visits???? When I should be comfortable? Not that I ever really will be, but I assume I will have to give that to my ex at some point That is what makes me nervous - how do you really know when a relapse occurs? Hoping "if" it did ex would just flake on the visit rather than endanger our child, but one never knows...
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