Enabling is addiction

Old 04-04-2012, 06:55 AM
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Enabling is addiction

I was up in the middle of the night watching TV. I couldn't sleep. It was one of those times when I woke up and felt like I had gotten a full nights sleep. Nothing bothering me or anything of that sort.

What caught my attention was a commercial. I wasn't paying close attention to it but knew it was something about addiction. But boy did I sit up and pay attention when it stated clearly at the end.....Enabling IS an addiction.

I thought WOW....that's a very different approach for a commercial on addiction. Has anyone else seen this?

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Old 04-04-2012, 08:05 AM
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Enabling has always been an addiction, it just was one of them addictions no one dare ever talk about…It has the same impulsive/compulsive nature to it, has the same need for secrecy and protection, it causes a chemical reaction in the brain, it causes people to make bad choices, it causes physical, mental and spiritual sickness…there is a lying aspect, there is a danger aspect, there are levels people go down knowingly rationalizing they are ok and there is nothing wrong with them…enablers think they are fine just like the addicts in their lives do…enabler think they don’t have a problem, just like an addict would.

But OMG the thought of any parent helping and or contributing to their child’s habit was unfathomable and it still is in many ways.

I know the commercial I was cheering when I first saw it…I would have liked to see the parent giving the kid cash but when the it got to the child’s hand it was a bag of drugs, just to break down the denial further and really show the truth…

Over the years and it has been many for me, I have found that the most loving and caring parents, who really want the best for their children wind up doing and saying the most unloving, harmful things. It is just so very sad…
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Old 04-04-2012, 08:52 AM
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No, I have not seen that commercial. But I have thought that families might be better served if more of the billboards and commercials were directed at the family (like the commercial you described) just as much as at the person who is actually using the drugs.

I'm going to google that to see if it is on the internet somewhere.

Thanks!!!

PS - could not find it ):
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Old 04-04-2012, 09:10 AM
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enabling is a drug...
Abigail Victor Drug Free America Commercial - YouTube

This one is my favorite.
Denial is a drug...
The Partnership at Drugfree.org: Denial - YouTube

It should really be codependency as the addiction in full, because it is...
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Old 04-04-2012, 09:47 AM
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Originally Posted by incitingsilence View Post
Enabling has always been an addiction, it just was one of them addictions no one dare ever talk about...
Not even most mental health professionals and it steams me up thinking about it sometimes. If someone would have told me that in the very beginning, I'm 100% certain I would have at least intellectually accepted it, because science backs it up.

I have an addictive personality and that means I'm an addict. The brain initially doesn't give a damn whether it's a behavior or substance. I don't have a problem with that and didn't when I first learned that. I accept me and I accept that I have challenges.

I think it's a wonderful thing that this topic shows up every now and then.
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Old 04-04-2012, 11:43 AM
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I too wish that more info was out there in TV commercials, billboards, etc

I was 3 years sober when I was instructed by my sponsor to GET YOU BUTT TO ALANON NOW, lol

It was the best thing I could have done for me at the time. And coming up on 31 years sober and clean and 28 years in Alanon, I have to say I attend more Alanon meetings than AA meetings now, lo

At 9 years sober and clean I started seeing a Psych Dr and was FINALLY diagnosed as Bi Polar. I saw her pretty regularly for 5 years, and when she passed away I found another Psych Dr that I still see periodically. I see her when my medications for my Bi Polar seem to need 'tweeking' and I see her when I feel like I am headed for 'trouble' or am already in trouble, ie the mess it was turning out to be with a very old BF and she helped me tremendously to see that yes in fat i was starting to enable him and apparently on our first go round when I was 19, 20, and 21 I did also. And yes, he is a practicing alcoholic. It only took me 10 months this time, lmao not the 2 1/2 years like the first time.

With me my addiction to alcohol and drugs no longer seem to be a problem. However, my addiction to 'enabling' can be and is once in a while. Whether it is with my daughter and s-i-l, my grand kids, gals I am sponsoring both in AA and Alanon and even my 'friends' and/or neighbors, rofl Even on these boards!

J M H O but for me 'enabling' is an addiction.

Love and hugs,
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Old 04-04-2012, 12:52 PM
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Yeah I saw something like it I like. At the end there is a empty prescription bottle with "enabling" on it. It's a very powerful & real commercial.
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Old 04-04-2012, 01:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Chino View Post

Not even most mental health professionals and it steams me up thinking about it sometimes.
One of my daughter's former long term psychiatrists touts " nothing you do for a child is wasted". This fed right into my growing codependency and enabling behaviors.
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Old 04-04-2012, 02:31 PM
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incitingsilence
Thank you so much for finding those commercials on YouTube! The message is powerful.

Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
One of my daughter's former long term psychiatrists touts " nothing you do for a child is wasted". This fed right into my growing codependency and enabling behaviors.
There are so many things in society that feed into codependency and enabling behaviors.

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Old 04-04-2012, 02:40 PM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
One of my daughter's former long term psychiatrists touts " nothing you do for a child is wasted". This fed right into my growing codependency and enabling behaviors.
One further thought on this topic is stigma. Those who choose not to enable can be stigmatized by not doing ENOUGH for their children, spouse, parent, loved one. Or fearing what others may think if they discipline their children or allow them to face the consequences of their behaviors; leave their spouse; stop visiting their parent. Everyone has an opinion of what someone should or shouldn't do. It's often a lose/lose situation. Many times the family members are looked at as doing "too much" or "too little". It's never a Goldilocks tale with a "just right" unless the outcome is considered "acceptable" by society/health professionals/etc.

Addiction is epidemic. It sure would be nice if there was a one-size-fits-all solution.

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Old 04-04-2012, 08:38 PM
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I spent some time helping a local organization educate parents through the school system, educate the administrators as well. Sadly I don’t know how much hope I hold for our children and I say that in dealing with the parents. All the money put into drug education, where is it for parental education… maybe we are finally seeing a glimpse of that with these commercials aimed at the parents.

This is an extremely tough subject for many, especially the parent just finding out and the fear has them paralyzed as the morbid death thoughts are running in their head. And they go right to secrecy because no one talks of this. It takes so long for many parents to get past their fear and hopes and dreams for their child and just let go and by the time they do relationships are destroyed and the damage has been long since done.

This subject I am hugely passionate about, and it is the children.
How do you teach the what not to do’s….because there may not be a right way but them wrong ones are all decked out in flashing neon lights!

The dynamics rarely deviate and everyone jumps right on that insanity train because of who THEY are, not because of the child addicted to drugs.

It is so subtle how each reaction teaches them. We make them smarter, we make them more manipulative. Yeah there may be some kids out there who have this in them but most don’t we teach them so much of what we don‘t like about them…we teach them to be the best addict they can be and sadly sometimes that starts way before the drug enters the picture.
And every single rescue, that breather is our worst mistake. Now they get time to think it out, accept the horror show, some time to learn a way around what initially made them uncomfortable…How do you learn your actions are hurting you when everyone around is fighting to take your pain away?

And it isn’t a blame thing … the kids can’t use their parents enabling as a reason why they stayed sick and we can’t use their addiction, nor love to justify our actions. But for any good to happen, for any health to be found we have to heal ourselves and take responsibility for our actions for us…no one but us so we can learn.


To Kindeyes…
Very true about the not helping. I was flat out told some of us love our children. (hmmm yeah I see that love to death you got going on) And if I hear one more time you don’t know what we have gone through ... you mean what you choose to go through?
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Old 04-05-2012, 09:37 AM
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Thank you for taking the time to find these ads.

Originally Posted by incitingsilence View Post
enabling is a drug...
Abigail Victor Drug Free America Commercial - YouTube

This one is my favorite.
Denial is a drug...
The Partnership at Drugfree.org: Denial - YouTube

It should really be codependency as the addiction in full, because it is...
Wow, those ads are powerful. I love them. They remind me where I can be if I start enabling her. Those ads, along with my meetings, remind me that if I can enable I will, and once I start down that slippery path I won't stop my behavior and thoughts.
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Old 04-05-2012, 04:19 PM
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Powerful thread here, thank for posting it Kindeyes.

With addiction so rampant out there, I cannot believe that there is not more written and publicized to help those of us who thought enabling was "love". The greatest love is letting them learn the lessons they need to make the choices they need to make to find a better path.

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Old 04-11-2012, 10:51 AM
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Fault is one thing.....something that is "within our power" is another. The correlation between the addict and the enabler cannot be over emphasized. Both are dealing with addictions. Both are dealing with a progressive issue. And on it goes until someone takes responsibility for their own actions and changes the dynamic.

We cannot change or control the addict. The addict cannot simply control the disease. However, there are things (actions, reactions, people, places, behaviors, etc) that we CAN control that will arrest the progression of the disease.

I don't think addiction or enabling is an issue of "fault" so much as it is an issue of personal accountability.

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Old 04-11-2012, 11:45 AM
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I understand the desire to be understood and forgiven. Unfortunately, we have no control over another person. We cannot make them understand. We cannot make them forgive. But we can work hard at understanding ourselves and our own motivations and making changes as more is revealed.

And most importantly......we can forgive ourselves.

Understanding and forgiveness relieves us of a burden that will weigh us down in all aspects of life. If I didn't find relief, I certainly wouldn't continue to go to meetings, read, or post here on SR. Not everyone understands this......and there may be nothing we can say to them to make them understand. That is their journey. I need to give my own journey my full attention.

I'm glad to hear that you are planning on getting into some meetings. There is a lot of healing that can happen in those rooms if a person is tenacious enough to keep going back.

Take care of you.

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Old 04-11-2012, 11:46 AM
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I fall into the enabling trap over and over, despite my best efforts. I never want to do it, but I let my AH wear me down until I would rather just give him $10 than hear him whining. I even justify it to myself by saying things like "there are more important things in life than money". I inevitably feel guilty and angry later. Sometimes I do it because I know that if I don't his enabling mom or siblings will. It's like an enabling contest!

They make us feel so cruel when we set boundaries. I guess it's like a child who has never been corrected - the first time someone puts them in line they are going to have an adverse reaction.

The ads are powerful. I wish there was more 'enabler education' out there.
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Old 04-11-2012, 12:15 PM
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Great thread!
I have a book that has helped me alot with this topic in my own life. The title is We Are Driven-the compulsive behaviors America applauds by Dr. Robert Hemfelt, Dr. Frank Minirth and Dr. Paul Meier. Written by two medical doctors and a psychologist they discuss how people can become harmfully driven/addicted in various areas of life. They offer hope to those who seek to change. It's not a new book (published 1991) but is worth reading if you can find it.
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Old 04-11-2012, 12:25 PM
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I canceled the cable for Netflix so I don't know what's out there anymore. I just read this post and did a quick search for the commercial. AWESOME!
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Old 04-11-2012, 12:34 PM
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oh...one more thing- There's a great sticky thread about brain function and the neurochemical aspects of being the 'other' in the life of an addicted/alcholic person.

The quote below and more information can be found here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...loved-one.html

....The chemical changes in the brain of a loved one should be understood to help speed recovery. Chemical changes in the brain of someone who is constantly in a state of stress, fear, anxiety and anger are not insignificant and are accompanied by withdrawal symptoms just like an addict who stops using.....
(emphasis mine)
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Old 04-11-2012, 01:24 PM
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I stopped trying to understand my daughter and her addiction, when I accepted her and accepted being powerless over her. I'm not sure when it happened but, somewhere along the line, acceptance became more important than understanding, and especially for me on the receiving end. I got just as sick and tired of explaining myself in the quest for understanding, as I did hearing my daughter explain herself.

I think it's 'outtolunch' who said explaining opens the door to negotiation. I got tired of negotiating personal power.
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