good morning
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Europe
Posts: 1,361
good morning
Slept 5,5 hours, woke up with the sweats again.
feeling allright. Enough. Im alive.
Today is a day that ghosts of the past are haunting me.
I will let them. I will confront them...not fight them....accept them.
I've been phsyically and mentally abused in a relationship. This relationship ended a year ago. My mother raised me a bit too well in how to treat a woman. I will NEVER hit back, can't even defend myself. If it were a man............
When I met her, three years ago. I was sober and happy. One year later I did my first and last serieus suicide attempt. I rescued myself no medics or hospitals.
Not to blame her for everything. She was sick I guess. I did not have the strenght to break free. So it's all my fault.
Not writing this to get a sympathy vote.
When.......uhm...
A human being is conditioned to pain and suffering, I guess we all are in some way, or multiple ways. Once conditioned....it get's difficult to break free, because our instincts will confuse goodness and kindness for a threat, instead of salvation. Creatures of habit we are, we'll fight to maintain order and habit, even tough it's the wrong kind..
When I finally had the courage to break free last year. I said it to a shrink, I've confused the devil on my shoulder with an angel and vica versa. No wonder I thought at first I had borderline or schizofrenia. I said; it feeled reversed polarisation. I wrote a letter of twee A4. Gave it to the shrink.
It made HIM cry, not me.
.....
and now I am....
little bit.
it's okay....this will pass......
i will take my time today, move like i'm made of glass, think like my mind and soul are made of glass..because right now...
they are.
feeling allright. Enough. Im alive.
Today is a day that ghosts of the past are haunting me.
I will let them. I will confront them...not fight them....accept them.
I've been phsyically and mentally abused in a relationship. This relationship ended a year ago. My mother raised me a bit too well in how to treat a woman. I will NEVER hit back, can't even defend myself. If it were a man............
When I met her, three years ago. I was sober and happy. One year later I did my first and last serieus suicide attempt. I rescued myself no medics or hospitals.
Not to blame her for everything. She was sick I guess. I did not have the strenght to break free. So it's all my fault.
Not writing this to get a sympathy vote.
When.......uhm...
A human being is conditioned to pain and suffering, I guess we all are in some way, or multiple ways. Once conditioned....it get's difficult to break free, because our instincts will confuse goodness and kindness for a threat, instead of salvation. Creatures of habit we are, we'll fight to maintain order and habit, even tough it's the wrong kind..
When I finally had the courage to break free last year. I said it to a shrink, I've confused the devil on my shoulder with an angel and vica versa. No wonder I thought at first I had borderline or schizofrenia. I said; it feeled reversed polarisation. I wrote a letter of twee A4. Gave it to the shrink.
It made HIM cry, not me.
.....
and now I am....
little bit.
it's okay....this will pass......
i will take my time today, move like i'm made of glass, think like my mind and soul are made of glass..because right now...
they are.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Europe
Posts: 1,361
had a long walk, through the park
enojoyed watching a grandfather playing with his grandsons,
wrote two poems, one nice, one evil
There was an old-stuff market, bought a small little booklet from 1969, from a poet from belgium, (flanders), for 2 euro's,
in the middele of city centre, hidden between the shops and buying hordes,
there's a small chapel,
I'm not christian, but I like it there, it's peacefull...
Lit a candle, sat there, did my own kind of prayers,
went home, slept for an hour....
feeling more content and at peace....
love,
enojoyed watching a grandfather playing with his grandsons,
wrote two poems, one nice, one evil
There was an old-stuff market, bought a small little booklet from 1969, from a poet from belgium, (flanders), for 2 euro's,
in the middele of city centre, hidden between the shops and buying hordes,
there's a small chapel,
I'm not christian, but I like it there, it's peacefull...
Lit a candle, sat there, did my own kind of prayers,
went home, slept for an hour....
feeling more content and at peace....
love,
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