zoso77

Over the past week or so I spotted a couple of threads about how badly the addicts in our lives treat us, and how we don't deserve being treated that poorly.

Of course we don't deserve to be treated poorly. I'd be willing to bet that when dealing with our addicts, we acted with the very best of intentions. We loved them and wanted to help them, and in doing so we probably overlooked a lot of poor behavior on their part. And it probably comes as a shock to us when they turn on us. It did for me, at least.

And you know what I learned from that experience. I learned the disease of addiction doesn't discriminate. The addict's eyes, when they're using or not in recovery, only look inward. It's all about them, and they will use any and all means to turn things around on us when it suits them.

In my case, I didn't let my AXGF get away with that. If she was trying to pull something on me, I'd call her out on it because I can smell bulls**t a mile away. Where I didn't do so well, though, was dealing with my anger, because I'd get really, really mad and strike back. The moment that I did that was the moment that I was lost, because I'd become part of the problem instead of part of the solution.

What I ended up learning through program is it doesn't matter if we deserve to be treated poorly or not, and we can't personalize it when the addict turns on us. It's just the nature of the beast. And once I got my anger under control, once I took responsibility for my own behavior, I was on steadier ground when dealing with my AXGF...

Of course, my AXGF was also a Borderline Personality, and that complicates things even more...but that's a different topic...

I guess my point is while we don't deserve to be treated poorly, we can't personalize it when we are because the addict is sick. The only thing we control is ourselves and our own behavior. We have a choice in all of this. We don't have to stay with the addict. We don't have to engage with the addict. We can decide what is best for ourselves.

ZoSo

Impurrfect

(((zoso))) - as both an RA and a loved one of A's who are still active, I agree. My using was nothing personal to anyone but me. It wasn't like I wanted to hurt my loved ones, wanted them to worry, acted out because I felt they deserved it.

It was because I could, literally, think of nothing else but using. The few times I did come down enough to realize how many people I was hurting, my immediate thought was "ooh, bad feelings..USE and forget!"

I was also treated badly by A's and have been working on my codie recovery for as long as my addiction one. For me, I was as addicted to the A as I ever got to crack.

It's only by coming here, for quite some time, that I have gotten strong enough to say "no, I won't accept that behavior". I do still slip and slide, sometimes, but I don't stay there any more.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

blackandblue

I too am working on emotional awareness and learning how to channel anger. Sometimes, I think I have it figured out and then something brings all of the pain toward the surface stirring up unresolved issues. On the outside it looks like anger. Underneath, I know it is grief. I can feel it in my chest and in my heart once the anger subsides. Then guilt comes on after- another manifestation of grief. Each time I go through this cycle, I learn something new. I feel like I have been stuck in grief though for too long and when I try to let go and detach, I slip back toward old patterns for fear of dealing with reality. Trying everyday to see with eyes wide open. I keep reminding myself that I am in recovery and he is not in recovery. That is a fact.

Zoso- I am inspired by your courage and integrity. Thanks for your post.

2manyears

Thankyou for this post. I think Anger is a part of the process. It is ok to feel angry when we have been wounded. We have instincts and emotions. Absolutely, it's worthy to aspire to take ownership of our choices and their consequences, but this itself is the process, and that process lasts our entire lives.

Now when I feel angry, I try to recognize why, how have i been offended, and then try to gather enough strength and determination to let the anger be motivation for me to change something that needs to be changed.

zoso77

Blackandblue...thank you for your kind words.

For me, the anger was the scariest. My AXGF would behave despicably, selfishly, and then turn around and blame me for it. And at that time, I would get incredibly, incredibly ticked off and lash out...

But here's the thing: I gave myself permission to do that. And every time I gave myself permission to indulge my rage, it came back and bit me because my AXGF then would throw it in my face. It was self defeating.

I've said it before, what I heard in Al Anon that stuck: you can't fight anger with anger, or hate with hate...you can only fight those with love. And what that does, for me at least, is contain the anger before it gets out of control. So, I allow myself to feel the anger, but I don't allow myself to feed it.

And at the end, when my AXGF gleefully admitted to cheating via text, the last thing I typed back was, Goodbye. God Bless. I wasn't going to be drawn into a battle that I couldn't win and would only lose my integrity and dignity. Under emotional duress, I kept my anger in check. I didn't deserve what my AXGF threw my way. I just simply acknowledged it as the behavior of a very sick, very disturbed human being.

So...we've got choices. I made some poor ones last year dealing with my AXGF. Thank God for program, because it made me aware I could make better ones if I chose to.

Thanks again for the kind words, everyone...

ZoSo

Loneywife

I can really relate to your post. I can't seem to control my rage and anger towards my AH, and I've realized that I've reached my breaking point. There's only so much I can take before I crack. I'm reflecting a lot right now.

lesliej

"The only thing we control is ourselves and our own behavior. We have a choice in all of this. We don't have to stay with the addict. We don't have to engage with the addict. We can decide what is best for ourselves."

My ex went out for crack again the night we came back from a two week trip to Europe. Then after several weeks, when he was back into the recovery swing, I started to see him again. Romantic...again, until he went back out on his way back to the sober house from our valentines date. This evening he appeared again (its been several weeks again) full into his recovery swing. Tempting? not as much as it has been in the past.

I have learned this from the serenity prayer: my way of accepting the things I cannot change is that I cannot accept his addiction and I cannot change it so...I need to change what I can. It is hard when the man I love appears, but I have been in the swing long enough to know that it hurts to love him. He needs way more recovery than several weeks...I have learned that. Before I hadn't learned that, or wouldn't accept it I guess.

So I would get really ANGRY toward someone I supposedly loved. I would get angry because I couldn't accept his addiction, and because I couldn't accept it my boundaries were traumatically violated again and again. But I kept going back again and again. Using hope to suppress my pain. Using my hope to band aid the broken trust.

Now I have this new awareness. I have to trust MYSELF, not to go back for more pain. I need to trust myself, that I will take care of myself, my heart, my spirit.

As this trust in myself has been developing I have been able to let go of the anger...I no longer need to be so angry in order to protect myself. Now I can feel more love and compassion because I know that I have the power to try to keep myself out of harms way. Anger can be useful as a transitional force, but I do not want to stay there!