Ending my last Big enabling behavior
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Ending my last Big enabling behavior
Hey all--I haven't posted in a long time, partly because my problems with XAH haven't been bothering me as much in the past few months (my good reason), and partly because I've been pretty ashamed about the fact that I never stopped doing a big codie enabling behavior, even after I had made posts about my great progess and how well I was doing (my bad reason). And while my mindset towards XAH had indeed improved, without actually stopping the behavior I felt like a fraud, so I stopped posting.
The behavior, which I mentioned in previous posts in the past, was doing this work-at-home job FOR my XAH. I believe I sugarcoated it as "helping him with the job" in some of my previous posts, but the honest truth is, of the over $22,000 this job has earned, my work probably earned about $19,000 of it. In a nutshell, the job is to write test questions for a company that creates insurance and series 6 license training materials. It's a well-paying job that can be done completely from home, and one which I found easy because I am a fast, and good, writer and typist, and as a teacher myself, writing test questions is right in my wheelhouse. However, my XAH is a smart man, and a decent writer, if not as strong of a typist. Which makes it all the more ridiculous that I did as much of it as I did.
It started out kind of innocently--XAH was sober and working another job when he got this one, so I did start out just "helping" by proofreading and things like that, writing a few of the questions for him to help him meet deadlines, etc. Then, a couple of months later, he relapsed and went into rehab. I was no-contact with him for part of this time, but then worked the job exclusively while he was in rehab so he wouldn't lose it. He hadn't even asked me to do this, I just did it since I knew the password and could see when he would get new assignments.
He took over for about a month when he was fresh out of rehab and sober, and I admit it was a relief to not have to worry about what he would do for money or where he would go right out of rehab. But that only lasted for about a month, then it deteriorated to me doing the job almost all of the time, and finally, all of the time completely.
Even when I have pulled away from him in every other respect, I have continued to do this damn job. I rationalized it by telling myself that I'd rather do this than give him the money directly (although of course, that's just what I was doing, since he never gave ME any of the money from the job except for $200 one time), that what I was doing wasn't so bad, and the biggy--that this way, IF he ever sobered up and/or went to rehab again, he'd have something waiting for him when he got out.
I told him last week I was done. That he has to do the job entirely on his own if he wishes to keep it. I've finally gotten to the place where I'm healthy enough to believe that #1. I am not helping him, only hurting him, by continuing to pay for his drinking lifestyle and by continuing to be a buffer between him and rock bottom and #2. Even if number one wasn't true (although I know it is) I need to get away from it for ME. Why am I, a person who already has a full time job on top of raising a daughter alone, doing the work of an able bodied grown man who has NOTHING else to do except drink?
My XAH is totally self-destructive, and pretty much makes the worst possible decisions for himself, so I have a feeling he will blow this. The thought does cause me anxiety--in fact, his poor job performance/prospects/etc. was always the thing that caused me the most anxiety and worry during our marriage as well. Plus, having done the job for so long now myself, even though the employer thinks its been him all long, I weirdly kind of feel like it's my name/rep/job performance on the line and I hate to think of him blowing his own name/rep/job performance with them. BUT mainly I feel great relief at finally getting out from under and severing the largest codie tie I still had to him.
I'm going no contact, more or less (he still calls for dd sometimes) so I don't have to have his unhappiness and manipulation shoved in my face, and he's already ramped up the crazy by calling my work phone a bunch, which I ignore, but I'm grateful that once this blows over I will be freer than I have been before.
It's been very slow going, but I feel like this is the last hump in making TRUE progress for myself. And I'm gonna keep coming back here too. It helps keep me honest with myself, and sane.
The behavior, which I mentioned in previous posts in the past, was doing this work-at-home job FOR my XAH. I believe I sugarcoated it as "helping him with the job" in some of my previous posts, but the honest truth is, of the over $22,000 this job has earned, my work probably earned about $19,000 of it. In a nutshell, the job is to write test questions for a company that creates insurance and series 6 license training materials. It's a well-paying job that can be done completely from home, and one which I found easy because I am a fast, and good, writer and typist, and as a teacher myself, writing test questions is right in my wheelhouse. However, my XAH is a smart man, and a decent writer, if not as strong of a typist. Which makes it all the more ridiculous that I did as much of it as I did.
It started out kind of innocently--XAH was sober and working another job when he got this one, so I did start out just "helping" by proofreading and things like that, writing a few of the questions for him to help him meet deadlines, etc. Then, a couple of months later, he relapsed and went into rehab. I was no-contact with him for part of this time, but then worked the job exclusively while he was in rehab so he wouldn't lose it. He hadn't even asked me to do this, I just did it since I knew the password and could see when he would get new assignments.
He took over for about a month when he was fresh out of rehab and sober, and I admit it was a relief to not have to worry about what he would do for money or where he would go right out of rehab. But that only lasted for about a month, then it deteriorated to me doing the job almost all of the time, and finally, all of the time completely.
Even when I have pulled away from him in every other respect, I have continued to do this damn job. I rationalized it by telling myself that I'd rather do this than give him the money directly (although of course, that's just what I was doing, since he never gave ME any of the money from the job except for $200 one time), that what I was doing wasn't so bad, and the biggy--that this way, IF he ever sobered up and/or went to rehab again, he'd have something waiting for him when he got out.
I told him last week I was done. That he has to do the job entirely on his own if he wishes to keep it. I've finally gotten to the place where I'm healthy enough to believe that #1. I am not helping him, only hurting him, by continuing to pay for his drinking lifestyle and by continuing to be a buffer between him and rock bottom and #2. Even if number one wasn't true (although I know it is) I need to get away from it for ME. Why am I, a person who already has a full time job on top of raising a daughter alone, doing the work of an able bodied grown man who has NOTHING else to do except drink?
My XAH is totally self-destructive, and pretty much makes the worst possible decisions for himself, so I have a feeling he will blow this. The thought does cause me anxiety--in fact, his poor job performance/prospects/etc. was always the thing that caused me the most anxiety and worry during our marriage as well. Plus, having done the job for so long now myself, even though the employer thinks its been him all long, I weirdly kind of feel like it's my name/rep/job performance on the line and I hate to think of him blowing his own name/rep/job performance with them. BUT mainly I feel great relief at finally getting out from under and severing the largest codie tie I still had to him.
I'm going no contact, more or less (he still calls for dd sometimes) so I don't have to have his unhappiness and manipulation shoved in my face, and he's already ramped up the crazy by calling my work phone a bunch, which I ignore, but I'm grateful that once this blows over I will be freer than I have been before.
It's been very slow going, but I feel like this is the last hump in making TRUE progress for myself. And I'm gonna keep coming back here too. It helps keep me honest with myself, and sane.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
The 22 grand has been what he has lived on for the last 15 months. Without this job, he has nowhere to go but the streets, jail (he was sentenced to 60 days for a DUI and did not serve it), a shelter, or the Salvation Army. I finally get that any of the above is preferable to me continuing to bail him out. I mean, I always intellectually "got that", but this time I feel it too.
Yes, I'm finally ready to be totally done.
Yes, I'm finally ready to be totally done.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
MamboQueen,
I am so glad for you, to finally let this King Baby out of the dole line, and out of your life.
Oh, he will thrash around a bit, like any big mouth fish, but he will get tired or see another line to hook up with.
Maybe, the next time you feel the need to give him anything remind yourself of what you could do for your child with that money or energy or time. Investment in her future.
When I was breaking it off with the father of my youngest children, I tried to keep it civil. He took this as a sign I was back to the easy to hit up Beth. Nope.
"Ten bucks? Only ten bucks? Why not? Buying something for the new boyfriend?"(you know the one we ALL have after kicking that sucker out :rotfxko)
"No, I am buying gas for the car to take the kids somewhere."
He actually replied, "To see the new boyfriend?" For Gods Sake!
I wish I had said, "Ten bucks is just enough to get my new boyfriend one of his favorite cigars. Too bad for you!"
MQ, This has been a difficult thing for you to do, because you have become overly responsible, you are used to it. Now, you know, and you are in charge. You make that change. And change the name in your phone for him to something appropriate, like......
One year college....gone?
car for daughter someday? gone.
trip to disneyworld? gone.
I am sure the other codies here have more imagination than me.
Whats a good phone name?
Beth
I am so glad for you, to finally let this King Baby out of the dole line, and out of your life.
Oh, he will thrash around a bit, like any big mouth fish, but he will get tired or see another line to hook up with.
Maybe, the next time you feel the need to give him anything remind yourself of what you could do for your child with that money or energy or time. Investment in her future.
When I was breaking it off with the father of my youngest children, I tried to keep it civil. He took this as a sign I was back to the easy to hit up Beth. Nope.
"Ten bucks? Only ten bucks? Why not? Buying something for the new boyfriend?"(you know the one we ALL have after kicking that sucker out :rotfxko)
"No, I am buying gas for the car to take the kids somewhere."
He actually replied, "To see the new boyfriend?" For Gods Sake!
I wish I had said, "Ten bucks is just enough to get my new boyfriend one of his favorite cigars. Too bad for you!"
MQ, This has been a difficult thing for you to do, because you have become overly responsible, you are used to it. Now, you know, and you are in charge. You make that change. And change the name in your phone for him to something appropriate, like......
One year college....gone?
car for daughter someday? gone.
trip to disneyworld? gone.
I am sure the other codies here have more imagination than me.
Whats a good phone name?
Beth
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