My boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic and has been slipping up
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 5
My boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic and has been slipping up
Hi! My name is Emma. This is my 3rd time posting on this cite. I find it very helpful. My boyfriend quit drinking on January 1st thus year and had been doing well. He has been to many AA meetings and alcohol treatment classes prior to quitting and he said he didn't find them helpful. He said it made him want to drink. So when he quit drinking he didn't want to go to any of the meetings for fear it would make him want to drink. I reluctantly said okay, because I want to support his decisions. However, lately he's been slipping up a lot and it's making me angry. It's affecting our relationship and I don't want to lose him. He had been doing so good. (or so I thought) I have no idea how much he could've been drinking on the 5 nights out of the week that I don't see him.
He blames he's drinking because he's stressed. I'm trying to get him back on the right path but I don't know how. It's hard for me to trust the fact that he tells me he's not drinking when I call him at night or assume that he's not because that trust has been broken?
What can I do to help him? Is this normal for recovering alcoholics. I want so badly to tell him it's me or alcohol, but I know that would probably hurt more than help anything but that's a high possibility if he can't figure out how to help himself. I feel so much anger towards him but I love him so much at the same time. I absolutely do not want to leave him but I will if this continues. What can I do to get him back on the sober track?
Thanks for the help.
He blames he's drinking because he's stressed. I'm trying to get him back on the right path but I don't know how. It's hard for me to trust the fact that he tells me he's not drinking when I call him at night or assume that he's not because that trust has been broken?
What can I do to help him? Is this normal for recovering alcoholics. I want so badly to tell him it's me or alcohol, but I know that would probably hurt more than help anything but that's a high possibility if he can't figure out how to help himself. I feel so much anger towards him but I love him so much at the same time. I absolutely do not want to leave him but I will if this continues. What can I do to get him back on the sober track?
Thanks for the help.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Emma, ((((hugs))))
One of the main lessons I learned here and in al-anon is the 3 c's.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
They will only quit drinking when they are ready and not one moment sooner. Nothing I say or don't say will change that. Nothing I do or don't do will change that. The choice is totally theirs.
So pay attention to his actions and not his words. If he is looking for excuses to drink it means he wants to drink and everything else is just talk for your sake.
Btw, if he is serious about quitting there are other programs out there. Rational Recovery is one of them. https://rational.org/index.php?id=1
I used a program very much like this when I quit tobacco.
Your friend,
One of the main lessons I learned here and in al-anon is the 3 c's.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
They will only quit drinking when they are ready and not one moment sooner. Nothing I say or don't say will change that. Nothing I do or don't do will change that. The choice is totally theirs.
So pay attention to his actions and not his words. If he is looking for excuses to drink it means he wants to drink and everything else is just talk for your sake.
Btw, if he is serious about quitting there are other programs out there. Rational Recovery is one of them. https://rational.org/index.php?id=1
I used a program very much like this when I quit tobacco.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SC
Posts: 30
I am in the same predicament with my XABF. He said that he wanted to do the AA program, got a sponsor and all. We did it together at first - and now he's 4/5th several day drinking binge in the last 3 weeks.
[QUOTE=anvilhead;3347230] he said meetings made him want to drink....so he quit doing. and now it's stress. or the full moon. or the price of gas. on a hangnail. he is not done drinking yet.
All these reasons are true and can be quite ridiculous. My personal favorite is he's drinking to celebrate not drinking and he's drinking because he can't get a job.
I have continued to dissect the ties I have with this alcoholic because he is and was bringing me down right with him. I truly wanted to help, and I am FINALLY realizing that this fixer cannot fix this disease. I'm walking away. I can only work on myself which has done wonders for me (I am now sober for 35 days despite all of this).
Follow the 10 steps that were given to you above. It's hard to follow some of them, but it's for the best if you really want to help him and yourself. You're talking to a stubborn woman who didn't think she had to do that. I read those steps 7 months ago. The outcome hasn't been so pretty so far. My XABF has busted his head open where he needed 14 staples, he's gotten a .20 DUI, he's lost his job, he's almost committed suicide by drinking so much on several occasions - one of those times his family and I intervened - and he had a BAC of .413, wasn't in a coma like any "normal" person would have been, and went the hospital for detox and observation. He still drives around drunk and drinks while he's driving. His family and I have done everything to keep him from having the bottom that we fear it's going to take for him to finally get it, if he ever does. But, in reality, he's going to have to hit hard, and I have made the decision to not be there to break his fall.
Sorry to ramble, but I felt that you shouldn't learn the hard way like I did.
[QUOTE=anvilhead;3347230] he said meetings made him want to drink....so he quit doing. and now it's stress. or the full moon. or the price of gas. on a hangnail. he is not done drinking yet.
All these reasons are true and can be quite ridiculous. My personal favorite is he's drinking to celebrate not drinking and he's drinking because he can't get a job.
I have continued to dissect the ties I have with this alcoholic because he is and was bringing me down right with him. I truly wanted to help, and I am FINALLY realizing that this fixer cannot fix this disease. I'm walking away. I can only work on myself which has done wonders for me (I am now sober for 35 days despite all of this).
Follow the 10 steps that were given to you above. It's hard to follow some of them, but it's for the best if you really want to help him and yourself. You're talking to a stubborn woman who didn't think she had to do that. I read those steps 7 months ago. The outcome hasn't been so pretty so far. My XABF has busted his head open where he needed 14 staples, he's gotten a .20 DUI, he's lost his job, he's almost committed suicide by drinking so much on several occasions - one of those times his family and I intervened - and he had a BAC of .413, wasn't in a coma like any "normal" person would have been, and went the hospital for detox and observation. He still drives around drunk and drinks while he's driving. His family and I have done everything to keep him from having the bottom that we fear it's going to take for him to finally get it, if he ever does. But, in reality, he's going to have to hit hard, and I have made the decision to not be there to break his fall.
Sorry to ramble, but I felt that you shouldn't learn the hard way like I did.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
He's not in recovery. He's in active alcoholism.
The best thing you can do for you and anyone else is to dig into your own program of recovery from the effects of his alcoholism.
Alanon has helped me tremendously over the years. I am grateful we finally have an active Alanon group locally after many years of not having others for face-to-face interaction in regard to my recovery from codependency.
The book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie has been a good resource for me.
Education on the disease of alcoholism can also be a big help.
Today I refuse to let the unmanageability of someone else's life affect me.
You too can make that choice in your life, but it takes work.
Sending you hugs of support.
The best thing you can do for you and anyone else is to dig into your own program of recovery from the effects of his alcoholism.
Alanon has helped me tremendously over the years. I am grateful we finally have an active Alanon group locally after many years of not having others for face-to-face interaction in regard to my recovery from codependency.
The book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie has been a good resource for me.
Education on the disease of alcoholism can also be a big help.
Today I refuse to let the unmanageability of someone else's life affect me.
You too can make that choice in your life, but it takes work.
Sending you hugs of support.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: holyoke mass
Posts: 23
You can't control him believe I tried for two years and it makes you think your crazy> As freedom says read the book it has become my bible. Go to ala-non meetings make friends there talk about it.... Work on you!!!
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