Dealing with what Al Anon brings out...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 148
Dealing with what Al Anon brings out...
Thanks to all of YOU I have finally joined Al Anon and attend regularly. I have not noticed any changes in how I feel but I know I'm learning some good tools....and its only been 2 weeks.
Last night was my first "speaker" meeting. This woman had suffered unspeakable actions from 4 alcoholics in her life...and I noticed some similarities between us. For the first time, I sat in the meeting balling my eyes out in front of a large room of strangers. I cried myself to sleep and I cried for an hour this morning...ON THE TREADMILL.
Al Anon has certainly forced me into mentally resurfacing much of the issues that I've paved over, having grown up in an alcoholic household and having the first man I fell in love with (and engaged to twice) also having been an alcoholic. And now...both of them absent from my life.
I find myself wearing all those resentment, the fear, the pain and the ANXIETY right on my sleeve now, now that I'm forced to talk about it at meetings. I also find that anyone I even see taking a sip of wine (out socially)...I feel anger towards.
I know this is GOOD...processing through these emotions and getting them out of my system. But I find its making me very mad. Like, "I didn't deserve this! I never asked for this! WHY!?"
I want to make sure I process through this period in a HEALTHY way. So..while I know that we often talk about *time* here...I'm wondering if there is anything practical (an action, an exercise, a method) that I can do to help me wade through these waters...so that I DON'T come out the other side a bitter woman???
The Serenity Prayer is not really helping. It just makes me feel...helpless and hopeless.
What has worked for you? How can I transform pain into progress when these tidal waves of bad feelings come up?
Last night was my first "speaker" meeting. This woman had suffered unspeakable actions from 4 alcoholics in her life...and I noticed some similarities between us. For the first time, I sat in the meeting balling my eyes out in front of a large room of strangers. I cried myself to sleep and I cried for an hour this morning...ON THE TREADMILL.
Al Anon has certainly forced me into mentally resurfacing much of the issues that I've paved over, having grown up in an alcoholic household and having the first man I fell in love with (and engaged to twice) also having been an alcoholic. And now...both of them absent from my life.
I find myself wearing all those resentment, the fear, the pain and the ANXIETY right on my sleeve now, now that I'm forced to talk about it at meetings. I also find that anyone I even see taking a sip of wine (out socially)...I feel anger towards.
I know this is GOOD...processing through these emotions and getting them out of my system. But I find its making me very mad. Like, "I didn't deserve this! I never asked for this! WHY!?"
I want to make sure I process through this period in a HEALTHY way. So..while I know that we often talk about *time* here...I'm wondering if there is anything practical (an action, an exercise, a method) that I can do to help me wade through these waters...so that I DON'T come out the other side a bitter woman???
The Serenity Prayer is not really helping. It just makes me feel...helpless and hopeless.
What has worked for you? How can I transform pain into progress when these tidal waves of bad feelings come up?
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
HiRedcandle,
Wow, all those feelings and emotions coming to the surface is painful but it is part of getting through it. I think it was Churchhill who said "When you are going through hell, keep going".
You are right in saying that it's "Good" because this way you are processing all your feelings that have been pushed down for a very long time and they do need to surface in order for you to begin the healing that you need.
This is what I did when I was in therapy and I was dealing with "the truths" of what really was. I made friends with my emotions (fear, pain, anxiety) because I recognized that they were an extension of what I had been through. I saw the purpose of my emotions as help, telling me that things had to change. I will add however that I did eventually take an anti anxiety medication prescribed by my Dr. for awhile until I was able to get things under control.
It's not easy at times RedCandle, but necessary to get to the other side. Have you considered also seeing a counselor to work through these emotions, someone who can guide you and offer you further insight? I found it tremendously helpful.
You are one strong woman Red and I am proud of you for being such in the tough times. You might want to start thinking about making a list of things that you would like to do and accomplish. Start small and begin doing them. It can be anything from fun to educational, to the sky is the limit. I call them "Esteemable Actions." Things that will help you discover more about yourself. And you are so right, you did not deserve any of this. Mad is not always a bad emotion. I think it is part of the process as long as you don't stay in it for very long. I think that once we begin to develop ourselves and an even better life for ourselves, we have less of a chance of becoming bitter. Keep working through it Red.
Wow, all those feelings and emotions coming to the surface is painful but it is part of getting through it. I think it was Churchhill who said "When you are going through hell, keep going".
You are right in saying that it's "Good" because this way you are processing all your feelings that have been pushed down for a very long time and they do need to surface in order for you to begin the healing that you need.
This is what I did when I was in therapy and I was dealing with "the truths" of what really was. I made friends with my emotions (fear, pain, anxiety) because I recognized that they were an extension of what I had been through. I saw the purpose of my emotions as help, telling me that things had to change. I will add however that I did eventually take an anti anxiety medication prescribed by my Dr. for awhile until I was able to get things under control.
It's not easy at times RedCandle, but necessary to get to the other side. Have you considered also seeing a counselor to work through these emotions, someone who can guide you and offer you further insight? I found it tremendously helpful.
You are one strong woman Red and I am proud of you for being such in the tough times. You might want to start thinking about making a list of things that you would like to do and accomplish. Start small and begin doing them. It can be anything from fun to educational, to the sky is the limit. I call them "Esteemable Actions." Things that will help you discover more about yourself. And you are so right, you did not deserve any of this. Mad is not always a bad emotion. I think it is part of the process as long as you don't stay in it for very long. I think that once we begin to develop ourselves and an even better life for ourselves, we have less of a chance of becoming bitter. Keep working through it Red.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
When I get angry: "I didn't ask for this..." I try to remember that it took quite a while for me to get this way and it will take a while to heal. I try to remember to be patient with myself.
There is a story in my group of a woman that when she is struck with a strong emotion: grief, anger, resentment, fear; she has a little talk to herself along the lines: "okay, so I'm (insert feeling). This is just a feeling, not necessarily right, not necessarily wrong. I am going to feel this emotion for 15 minutes, and only 15 minutes, and then move on."
And then she sits on her couch and when time is up, time is up and she gets busy. She said when she started this, she would cheat sometimes and allow a few extra minutes. Now she says she gets squirrely after a few minutes and never lasts the whole 15 minutes. I have tried this and I must say I too get restless and usually move on before the 15 minutes is up, and I do feel better.
Sending kind thoughts your way. It does get better!
There is a story in my group of a woman that when she is struck with a strong emotion: grief, anger, resentment, fear; she has a little talk to herself along the lines: "okay, so I'm (insert feeling). This is just a feeling, not necessarily right, not necessarily wrong. I am going to feel this emotion for 15 minutes, and only 15 minutes, and then move on."
And then she sits on her couch and when time is up, time is up and she gets busy. She said when she started this, she would cheat sometimes and allow a few extra minutes. Now she says she gets squirrely after a few minutes and never lasts the whole 15 minutes. I have tried this and I must say I too get restless and usually move on before the 15 minutes is up, and I do feel better.
Sending kind thoughts your way. It does get better!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I just wanted to come on and say that I am in a similar place except that I feel like I'm taking it all out on the A in my life. I think you just need to be patient with yourself and I like all the advice you have been given. I have just started working the steps and I'm really hoping that it will free me from some of my stress and emotions that are all beginning to surface after all these years.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
hope this helps:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...on-slogan.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...on-slogan.html
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
for me is step #1
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
to admit that i am powerless over PEOPLE,PLACE, THINGS, DRUGS and ALCOHOL...
noway! i can control everything...! in the past that was my ego talking....
now...i manage to stay focus on my recovery with my sponsor and friends and always start the day with a simple prayer to my HP and reciting STEP #1
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
to admit that i am powerless over PEOPLE,PLACE, THINGS, DRUGS and ALCOHOL...
noway! i can control everything...! in the past that was my ego talking....
now...i manage to stay focus on my recovery with my sponsor and friends and always start the day with a simple prayer to my HP and reciting STEP #1
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
You're essentially going through a detox - things have been stirred up like the muddy bottom of a lake, and it will take time. Best advice I got was to not think about it too much - much of my life and with my A too, I analyze. Over-analyze. I think too much and don't feel enough. Simply let each meeting happen and don't think too much about what the next steps are - the beautiful thing I found about the process of Al Anon is that as soon as I took one step, the next one usually would reveal itself, without too much effort on my part. Let it happen, deal with what comes up and then remain open to what's next. Before you know it, you'll be sitting one day and think 'hey, I feel better'. It will happen naturally and organically if you let it.
The other great advice when I went through strong emotions was to simply 'sit in it'. Sometimes we must face the big dirt pile instead of sweeping it under the rug. And it's ugly, and painful. But if we allow ourselves to be a bit uncomfortable, sit in our emotions, it will allow us to deal with them and conquer them truly instead of hiding them. My sponsor suggested I write letters I'll never send. And that has worked for me. When I'm feeling lots of anger, resentment, hurt, I will write the 'offender' (usually my A) a letter, spewing out everything onto the paper. Then, burn it (or delete if you wrote it on a computer). A final thing I did was to look up the feeling in the index of one of my Al Anon books and read the related passages.
The other great advice when I went through strong emotions was to simply 'sit in it'. Sometimes we must face the big dirt pile instead of sweeping it under the rug. And it's ugly, and painful. But if we allow ourselves to be a bit uncomfortable, sit in our emotions, it will allow us to deal with them and conquer them truly instead of hiding them. My sponsor suggested I write letters I'll never send. And that has worked for me. When I'm feeling lots of anger, resentment, hurt, I will write the 'offender' (usually my A) a letter, spewing out everything onto the paper. Then, burn it (or delete if you wrote it on a computer). A final thing I did was to look up the feeling in the index of one of my Al Anon books and read the related passages.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
You're essentially going through a detox - things have been stirred up like the muddy bottom of a lake, and it will take time. Best advice I got was to not think about it too much - much of my life and with my A too, I analyze. Over-analyze. I think too much and don't feel enough. Simply let each meeting happen and don't think too much about what the next steps are - the beautiful thing I found about the process of Al Anon is that as soon as I took one step, the next one usually would reveal itself, without too much effort on my part. Let it happen, deal with what comes up and then remain open to what's next. Before you know it, you'll be sitting one day and think 'hey, I feel better'. It will happen naturally and organically if you let it.
The other great advice when I went through strong emotions was to simply 'sit in it'. Sometimes we must face the big dirt pile instead of sweeping it under the rug. And it's ugly, and painful. But if we allow ourselves to be a bit uncomfortable, sit in our emotions, it will allow us to deal with them and conquer them truly instead of hiding them. My sponsor suggested I write letters I'll never send. And that has worked for me. When I'm feeling lots of anger, resentment, hurt, I will write the 'offender' (usually my A) a letter, spewing out everything onto the paper. Then, burn it (or delete if you wrote it on a computer). A final thing I did was to look up the feeling in the index of one of my Al Anon books and read the related passages.
The other great advice when I went through strong emotions was to simply 'sit in it'. Sometimes we must face the big dirt pile instead of sweeping it under the rug. And it's ugly, and painful. But if we allow ourselves to be a bit uncomfortable, sit in our emotions, it will allow us to deal with them and conquer them truly instead of hiding them. My sponsor suggested I write letters I'll never send. And that has worked for me. When I'm feeling lots of anger, resentment, hurt, I will write the 'offender' (usually my A) a letter, spewing out everything onto the paper. Then, burn it (or delete if you wrote it on a computer). A final thing I did was to look up the feeling in the index of one of my Al Anon books and read the related passages.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I learned a number of things when I was in a similar spot.
-The feeling is just a feeling, if I try to heap upon it "bad" about the feeling I only make it worse on myself (in the short and long run)
-I had not had feelings for a VERY long time. As a result when I finally did feel them they had stewed, fermented and grown exponentially. Feeling the feeling would not kill me, what I did with the feeling might. I am starting to realize if I feel the feeling when stuff is happening they are not nearly as scary. Just like a muscle though my tolerance for weight lifting did not happen after one set of reps, but with repeated use my feelings tolerance increased.
-Got some healthy support, counseling, writing bullet point lists of what I was mad about, Al-anon etc. Those people could understand what I was feeling and though it took a bit I came to learn were not judging me for it (that was part of my fear).
-At times I needed a break and to just get out of it. I watched drama TV (cause lets face it it was nice for me to see someone in a more precarious situation) which I had never done before. I read fluffy books (in addition to ones about addiction).
-I did a lot of "grunting" exercise. Lifting weights, pulling flowers anything that I could get forceful with and not hurt someone....or do instead of hurting someone.
-I learned that I would not be stuck in this for the rest of my life....and the fastest way over the feelings was through it. If the "paving" had worked I would not have been in the situation I was in to begin with....so why not try something new...it had to be better then where I was.
-The feeling is just a feeling, if I try to heap upon it "bad" about the feeling I only make it worse on myself (in the short and long run)
-I had not had feelings for a VERY long time. As a result when I finally did feel them they had stewed, fermented and grown exponentially. Feeling the feeling would not kill me, what I did with the feeling might. I am starting to realize if I feel the feeling when stuff is happening they are not nearly as scary. Just like a muscle though my tolerance for weight lifting did not happen after one set of reps, but with repeated use my feelings tolerance increased.
-Got some healthy support, counseling, writing bullet point lists of what I was mad about, Al-anon etc. Those people could understand what I was feeling and though it took a bit I came to learn were not judging me for it (that was part of my fear).
-At times I needed a break and to just get out of it. I watched drama TV (cause lets face it it was nice for me to see someone in a more precarious situation) which I had never done before. I read fluffy books (in addition to ones about addiction).
-I did a lot of "grunting" exercise. Lifting weights, pulling flowers anything that I could get forceful with and not hurt someone....or do instead of hurting someone.
-I learned that I would not be stuck in this for the rest of my life....and the fastest way over the feelings was through it. If the "paving" had worked I would not have been in the situation I was in to begin with....so why not try something new...it had to be better then where I was.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 148
Wow, thank you everyone!
Truly, I *am* trying to "embrace" these feelings...but I'm finding the resentment, anger and hurt is pulling me down further....not "passing" as I anticipated once I allowed these feelings to show up!
Silk...maybe you're right. Maybe this is a detox. Maybe I've just gotten so used to constant tension, drama, midnight texts, fighting, etc....that now that my 2 alcoholics have dropped off the face of the Earth....I'm uncomfortable with the silence.
No...no I AM uncomfortable with the silence. I rush to meetings when I feel this way...but then I spend the meeting crying...and I feel worse.
I know I have to give this time...but this is what is stewing in me:
1. I'm mad that I grew up in an alcoholic household and as a result, I have a completely warped sense of what stability and a healthy relationship look like. I'm mad that he continues to abuse drugs and alcohol and I will never have the things ever girl wants: a "dad" in her life, someone to walk her down the aisle, a granddad for her kids.
2. I'm mad that I have spent the last two years in love/chaos mode with my ex. I'm mad that I waited until I was 25 to sleep with someone....I chose him...and he was an alcoholic. I'm mad that I finally laid down the law (I'm moving on! no more!) when he announced his relapse a few weeks ago...and instead of trying sobriety again...he seems to have shrugged his shoulders and completely deleted me from his life.
So hell...I'm mad and upset! And I'm going to meetings but I'm not doing very good with this...
Grrrrr......
I just don't think I'm "sitting in" these emotions very well. They seem to be defeating me.
Maybe I DO need a sponsor this early? Hard to pick one when I don't know many people's stories...
Truly, I *am* trying to "embrace" these feelings...but I'm finding the resentment, anger and hurt is pulling me down further....not "passing" as I anticipated once I allowed these feelings to show up!
Silk...maybe you're right. Maybe this is a detox. Maybe I've just gotten so used to constant tension, drama, midnight texts, fighting, etc....that now that my 2 alcoholics have dropped off the face of the Earth....I'm uncomfortable with the silence.
No...no I AM uncomfortable with the silence. I rush to meetings when I feel this way...but then I spend the meeting crying...and I feel worse.
I know I have to give this time...but this is what is stewing in me:
1. I'm mad that I grew up in an alcoholic household and as a result, I have a completely warped sense of what stability and a healthy relationship look like. I'm mad that he continues to abuse drugs and alcohol and I will never have the things ever girl wants: a "dad" in her life, someone to walk her down the aisle, a granddad for her kids.
2. I'm mad that I have spent the last two years in love/chaos mode with my ex. I'm mad that I waited until I was 25 to sleep with someone....I chose him...and he was an alcoholic. I'm mad that I finally laid down the law (I'm moving on! no more!) when he announced his relapse a few weeks ago...and instead of trying sobriety again...he seems to have shrugged his shoulders and completely deleted me from his life.
So hell...I'm mad and upset! And I'm going to meetings but I'm not doing very good with this...
Grrrrr......
I just don't think I'm "sitting in" these emotions very well. They seem to be defeating me.
Maybe I DO need a sponsor this early? Hard to pick one when I don't know many people's stories...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 148
And while I'm on my little epiphany bender...
...I think if I dig deep down, I know that the person I'm actually mad at....is ME.
If you took "me 3 years ago" and introduced her to "me today"...they wouldn't like each other!
Me 3 Years Ago would look at Me Today and say, "So these people do X,Y and Z to you...and you MISS THEM? WHY?!" Me 3 Years ago wouldn't cry on the treadmill.
I haven't found a healthy way to process the feeling of being disappointed in your own SELF yet....
I know I can't control THEM...but going through this recovery myself makes me feel like I also can't control ME...
...I think if I dig deep down, I know that the person I'm actually mad at....is ME.
If you took "me 3 years ago" and introduced her to "me today"...they wouldn't like each other!
Me 3 Years Ago would look at Me Today and say, "So these people do X,Y and Z to you...and you MISS THEM? WHY?!" Me 3 Years ago wouldn't cry on the treadmill.
I haven't found a healthy way to process the feeling of being disappointed in your own SELF yet....
I know I can't control THEM...but going through this recovery myself makes me feel like I also can't control ME...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Originally Posted by RedCandle 
I haven't found a healthy way to process the feeling of being disappointed in your own SELF yet....
I did not see how far I had come until I was already past it.
I know that does not make you feel better right now, I just want to validate how I see recovery coming through your posts.
I am learning feelings I don't have any control over, but I do have control over what I do with them. I see you doing some pretty postive healing things with yours.
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