firestorm090

It truly has proven to be relentless for me, for even with all the years of total insanity while drinking, I once again, after my longest period of not drinking, for some insane reason chose to do so tonight. It doesn't matter what caused it, for nothing really did except my choice to have a drink.

I'm not suicidal, but sometimes the idea of just eating a bullet seems easier than dealing with the daily grind of meetings, prayers, calling people, slogans out the ying-yang, listening to war stories and gripes all over again and again and again, it's like being sentenced to hell on earth.

Willing to go to any length.......once again I just seem uninterested in the whole damn mess.

Just trying to be honest, as much as it hurts and kills me inside.

Wow, I never thought this would happen to me, but instead thought I had it all figured out. Guesss you can never relent on looking for banana peels, for when you slip on one, your ass is on the ground.

GirlFromCO

Maybe, but drinking is a worse hell, isn't it?

I'm really glad you posted this. I've been feeling some pressure lately, and I keep wishing I just didn't have to be so good all the time. I wish I could get ripped and just have someone take care of me for a bit. I'm not going to - drinking is no longer an option. I just wish I could sometimes.

Anyway, back to you. I think it is actually important to think or talk about what happened that led you to drink. It doesn't just happen like an asteroid falling on your car or something - you have to plan it out and do some serious rationalizing if you've been sober for that long. So what happened?

Dee74

I'm really sorry to hear that D.
The truth is - this thing is relentless...and patient.

I think it's good to keep a sense of perspective - you've been sober for 15 months - you drank tonight...the really important bit, the most important task, is to end it now.

However hard it is to reach out - do it - forget the apathy or the pride or the self loathing or whatever else is going on, man - reach out.

you don't need me to tell you whats at stake, D.

D

ReadyAndAble

Wow, D, I was just thinking about you and posted on your page the other day.

I am sorry to hear that. But let's not ignore the fact you also achieved your longest period without a drink. Fifteen months is a heck of a foundation to build on, ya know?

So as GFCO asked, what happened? Because I think somewhere in there lies the answer to the next question, which is, what do you do differently to make this next run the one that lasts a lifetime?

TigerLili

I hear you. I felt the same way and relapsed at 2.5 years. One of the suggestions given to me was to try different meetings on a regular basis - not just go to the same ones over and over. That's working for me so far and i have found some really uplifting, positive meetings with good sobriety. It's true that some meetings don't have good sobriety - just people with 'dry time' as I've heard it called here.

Something I had to take responsibility for was listening for the recovery rather than the griping and so on. I really struggled with that.

It's true that this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. It never goes away.

firestorm090

Thanks GirlFromCo and Dee,

It's easier to shrug and say it doesn't matter why, but I have been all out of whack lately and I believe what truly led to this is experincing many stressful decisions in short order lately, some of which I still haven't resolved, among other things. I think the feeling of being overwhelmed sums it up well. I have much to learn.

GirlFromCO

We all do. I think this is a great start:

firestorm090

What bums me out the most is that I had achieved a level of respect from many who know me, friends, family, AA members, and others, and now I feel I've let them down, which I have and it just stinks.

Humble pie may be alright, but I'd much prefer pecan or coconut cream!

awuh1

In every mistake there is a lesson. I don’t know what it is in this case. However, it sounds like recovery got a bit stale for you by your description. That could be part of the problem. It certainly happens for me at times. I think there can be too much of a good thing, and I cut back accordingly. Sometimes, however, I find that the problem is within me. I’m focusing too much on myself. I’ll catch myself saying like “Oh Gawd another mindless slogan from an articulation deficit disorder” followed closely by “why do I have to listen to this?”. What is actually making me a bit nuts is what I’m telling myself, and not what someone else is saying.

These days when I catch myself in this type of self-dialogue I will more typically ask myself “what can I say that is going to make a difference” i.e. what’s going to help this person or someone listening to this. It helps me to keep this as a focus.

I would not worry too much about letting others down. If they are wise they’ll learn from your mistake, assuming that is, you can figure it out yourself.

RachelNorth

Hi. Hope you sleeping now and feel better when you wake. I'm in the uk on day 2. Have done around half and half of the last 8 months. More failing than ever? Or more trying than ever? I will not stop trying. What gets me is the time difference. I took control of my life (again!) in January. ended my dependant drinking relationship and got sober. Three good weeks later I slipped. Why, I don't know. The three bad weeks that followed flashed by in a drunken haze. And I'm back again now. Its rubbish, drinking like that is rubbish, you know that as well we all do. Life is sad and out of control. I will not let alcohol take another year, month, week or day from my life. If you take a drink it takes the day, and then the week ....... Stop now. The very fact that you posted on here means you have that hope, hang on to that.

bskeys1404

Well i appreciate your post and I'm sorry to hear about the relapse. But and this is just my opinion and I did the same thing and relapsed to. Hell 90 in 90 ? I did 276 in 90 days and guess what???? Yep . Relapse from hell. So I proved the point meetings don't keep you sober. Especially if you do what I did and go in there and don't do anything and just look at all the pretty girls. Talking about me here not you. lol. I love the Big Book but I am by no means a remember exactly where and what page it's on kind of guy. But I do knoe that AA is suppose to give you A life back. Not become your life. Maybe you put so much into AA you just become overwhelmed and and one day the top blows off. My first year was the most important. I went through the steps with four different people just because they were all old timers and I wanted to see what all information out there that I could round up. I just spent all the time I could on learning about me. The book tells us eventually we can go where regular men go and we won't be bothered by. I went on dates . I went out on the beach to parties. I went to concerts where if I drank what was in my shirt I would've been drunk!! But I still prayed. I talked to my sponsor enough. He knew i didn't need his advice about everything anymore. I still wet to meetings but once or twice a week and not 10 -15 times a week. I had a life back. To me it sounds like maybe your going from one extreme to another. And I hate putting numbers on sobriety cause now instead of sayinWell sh*t . I messed up a day. So what. I hear people say I threw away the best 15 years of my life. Or 20 years or 15 months. So you slipped. Welcome to life, I do something i regret every dam day. But I don't pick up. So maybe find a different sponsor and try to find a balance between having a wonderful joyous and free life with a liitle bit of AA to remind you of your roots than jumping from one speeding train to another. And let me tell ya. 1 day out of 15 months? I'll take that batting average all day long. Good Luck on your journey and best Wishes!

Dee74

welcome back Rachel

D

instant

You have a good record of sobriety. For some reason drinking as an option came up again. Maybe we don,t need to know the sequence and interplay of factors but it may help you if you if you wre able to go over it with someone.

The world is what it is , how we respond to it is our doing.

langkah

Treat it as only a signal that something needs to change. Instant's idea of going over what you're doing that needs to stop or not doing that you should be with someone is a good one.

At this point you can make the corrections you need, or chuck it all and get worse and suffer for as long as you can stand it and then try to make the corrections, which will then be far more difficult than doing it now.

Better to get it right after 15 months than after 15 years.

SSIL75

Always great to 'see' you, D. Wishing it was under different circumstances

michelle01

I'm sorry that happened D, you're right, just when you think you have it all figured out, that's often when something else will hit us. I've followed your struggles, including the rehab. 15 months is nothing to sneeze at, but of course though it's very important to me, life can't only consist of recovery. For what it's worth, I've always found your posts interesting and very insightful, that's a 'gift' you have (I often think that people don't recognize their own gifts). It'd be very sad to lose that gift and have it go to waste because of alcohol. So please don't give up, you know that you can do this, and you are worth it.

Mark75

Was it a choice?

That's kinda at the heart of this whole thing, that real alcoholics lose their power of choice... no?

Great to see you Dallas, sorry for the circumstances this time.

Keep posting!

2granddaughters

You are absolutely correct, Michelle, but I have to keep recovery at the top of my list of things to do or the rest of the list is meaningless as I will lose everything.
firestorm090, my friend Dennis today is celebrating what he calls his "second 8 yr anniversary" and he is quite content with that. Hopefully you will get back on track and carry on as he did. He learned a lot and is much happier this time around.
Thank you for your post firestorm, I feel your despair, but you can rebuild better than before. That's the truth.

All the best to everyone.

Bob R

Anna

Firestorm, I'm sorry this happened. I'm not sure if any of us get this all figured out because it really is a life long journey.

You know that you can do it again. And, you learn from this experience, so next time it won't happen again.

DayTrader

Welcome back my friend......... I've been waiting for you to return!!!

Wish it was under "good" circumstances but hey, this is ok too.......it is what it is.

There's no benefit in lamenting what happened in the past.......even if the past was yesterday. When I'm stuck in the past, there almost seems no way to get out of it......so I know how you're feelin. The ONLY thing you have control over is what you're doing today......right now......right this second. When we "decide" to ponder our future relentlessly or look back and get into the self-pity trap of regretting our past.........we're missing out on the NOW. We're turning today into another "nothing day" that we'll end up regretting tomorrow........ wash, rinse, repeat.

You drank. Done. It's over. Lots of ppl have done it, you're nothing special, you didn't let anyone down, you're no martyr. (and yanno pal, I'm not busting balls.......I know where I've taken some of those "I let you guys down" thoughts before - like I'm soooooooo messed up, woe is me, etc) Accept it for what it was and let's focus on today: moving forward again, getting back that sanity that we had, and living life to the fullest from this moment on.

As for letting the ppl in AA down, one last thought. I'm in AA and what I think when I hear about someone going back out is this: that guy probably quit doing what we do, quit working the steps, quit applying this program of action we have, lost tough with his spirituality, started believing they could manage things on their own and didn't need to do all that "helping others/God stuff," and eventually they went ended up in the place where they're no longer engaged in recovery...........so the only thing left TO do is drink.

For me, I think it's inevitable: I'm either working on my recovery, my spiritual growth, and helping everyone I can along the way............or I'm working on my next drink.

Anyway.......nice to see you again my friend. Shoot me a PM anytime or, if you still have my number, feel free to call anytime.