confused
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confused
Me and XABF broke up a couple weeks ago. Been going strong with the no contact, and while I've been a little sad, for the most part I am doing great.
He came over yesterday, to pick up the rest of his stuff and give me his cell phone back (we were on a family plan and I canceled his line). He also gave me a good amount to cash, to cover bills and rent. Everything was civil, we worked out our bills and so far he has come through with giving me money to handle everything.
We took our dogs on a long walk and sat by my lake and talked for a while. He apologized for everything, and admitted he had screwed up. He said he was depressed for weeks, crying and couldn't get out of bed. He said he is trying to make himself a better man. He found a new place to live, opened a bank account, and is getting a new cell phone account soon. He said he has been trying to work on himself, and, wonders if there is a future between us.
I said it is great that he is trying to work on himself, because I was trying to work on me. I realized that we were both terribly unhappy with ourselves, and this unhappiness overcame our relationship. I started a new position at my job, which is better hours and better pay. I have been exercising and taking care of my physical and mental health. He wonders if we can take things slow, and rebuild our relationship. I wonder the same.
In the mean time, I'm not focusing on him. Maybe one day things will work out between us because of course I still love him. His alcoholism still scares me, and while he apologized for drinking too much and it causing problems, he did not mention that he was going to quit or try to work a program, just that he's stopped "drinking like that".
He wants to take our dogs on visits to his new house, and he as a fenced in back yard. This would help me hugely because two days a week, I have work and school and I'm not home from 8:30am-10:30pm. But I don't know if I can trust him with them. And of course, when he's sober he's great, when he's drinking he's not. Its like a roll of the dice of which man I'm gonna get.
So, I don't know what to do. If I should bother trying to rebuild a relationship slowly. And if I don't want a relationship, if I should let him be a part of me and the dogs life, allowing him to take them on "visits". I mean, they are dogs.. not children, he doesn't really HAVE to see them, you know?
So that's where I am. My mom says "sounds like you're back on the rollercoaster!" Any advice here??
He came over yesterday, to pick up the rest of his stuff and give me his cell phone back (we were on a family plan and I canceled his line). He also gave me a good amount to cash, to cover bills and rent. Everything was civil, we worked out our bills and so far he has come through with giving me money to handle everything.
We took our dogs on a long walk and sat by my lake and talked for a while. He apologized for everything, and admitted he had screwed up. He said he was depressed for weeks, crying and couldn't get out of bed. He said he is trying to make himself a better man. He found a new place to live, opened a bank account, and is getting a new cell phone account soon. He said he has been trying to work on himself, and, wonders if there is a future between us.
I said it is great that he is trying to work on himself, because I was trying to work on me. I realized that we were both terribly unhappy with ourselves, and this unhappiness overcame our relationship. I started a new position at my job, which is better hours and better pay. I have been exercising and taking care of my physical and mental health. He wonders if we can take things slow, and rebuild our relationship. I wonder the same.
In the mean time, I'm not focusing on him. Maybe one day things will work out between us because of course I still love him. His alcoholism still scares me, and while he apologized for drinking too much and it causing problems, he did not mention that he was going to quit or try to work a program, just that he's stopped "drinking like that".
He wants to take our dogs on visits to his new house, and he as a fenced in back yard. This would help me hugely because two days a week, I have work and school and I'm not home from 8:30am-10:30pm. But I don't know if I can trust him with them. And of course, when he's sober he's great, when he's drinking he's not. Its like a roll of the dice of which man I'm gonna get.
So, I don't know what to do. If I should bother trying to rebuild a relationship slowly. And if I don't want a relationship, if I should let him be a part of me and the dogs life, allowing him to take them on "visits". I mean, they are dogs.. not children, he doesn't really HAVE to see them, you know?
So that's where I am. My mom says "sounds like you're back on the rollercoaster!" Any advice here??
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Alabama
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Head for the hills!!! I've fallen into that same trap for yrs and we do have a child together which makes it even easier to fall for that mess. He knows I don't want to keep our son away from him but he also knows that I don't trust him enough to just "take" him and spend father/son time with him so he would use that as his chance to try to "con" me into trying to rebuild our relationship. And he would always be stone sober when he came to see his son and then say things like "See, isn't this family time great...I'm getting better everyday" QUACK QUACK QUACK And just as soon as he was outta sight it was "Pop the top again"
They are the best con artists and manipulators on the face of the earth and until he SHOWS you something instead of the BS (sorry so blunt) that comes out of his mouth...my advice is take it with a grain of salt because it's meaningless unless he starts a program and gets the help he needs on his own. Worry about "you" and getting the help you need.
And we may have the same mother...lol...mine told me the same thing for years!
They are the best con artists and manipulators on the face of the earth and until he SHOWS you something instead of the BS (sorry so blunt) that comes out of his mouth...my advice is take it with a grain of salt because it's meaningless unless he starts a program and gets the help he needs on his own. Worry about "you" and getting the help you need.
And we may have the same mother...lol...mine told me the same thing for years!
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
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I just posted on another thread about the HBO Addiction series (you can watch the videos online). One thing that struck me is that they say that an addicted brain is changed due to the intake of an addictive substance. Pathways are altered, the brain 'adapts' and when that substance is removed it desperately seeks to have it back by sending very strong messages (and this is why many relapse). They do say that there is an amazing capability for the brain to recover, but it requires 're-adaptation'. What's been changed with the drug must be changed back, rehabilitated. They say it's extremely difficult to do without a treatment of some sort (customized to each unique individual). Just stopping drinking doesn't do it, because simply removing the substance does nothing to change any other aspect. Kind of like how people who quit smoking and don't do something different when the craving hits, like taking a walk or breathing through the temptation or visualizing themselves rolling around an oxygen tank - some refocusing strategy that teaches the brain to go back to functioning without the help of the addictive thing.
My AH has tried abstinence for 3 years; he's had several relapses and he doesn't feel happy about those, nor about his cravings, or the unhappiness that booze is in every social situation and he can't understand how he can't have a normal relationship with it. This makes me agree with the documentary - he removed the booze, but hasn't redefined his life/ behaviour without it, and his brain is still sending him messages that life is better when he drinks and to go ahead and do it. I can only imagine how awful it is, since we all understand how the 'forbidden fruit' only becomes that much more tempting. He has tried a few things without terrible success which also shows that the treatment needs to be right for the person and that they also cooperate fully which is difficult when their brains tell them it's normal to want to imbibe the way they do.
I'd be wary about re-starting anything if he does not actively seek some treatment. But if you choose to have contact, the best thing is to watch what he does, not what he says. What they say comes from a place of addiction so it's suspect even if not intentionally so; they simply see things differently. His actions are telling - not working a program, continuing to drink, this tells you what you need to know about embarking on this with him again.
My AH has tried abstinence for 3 years; he's had several relapses and he doesn't feel happy about those, nor about his cravings, or the unhappiness that booze is in every social situation and he can't understand how he can't have a normal relationship with it. This makes me agree with the documentary - he removed the booze, but hasn't redefined his life/ behaviour without it, and his brain is still sending him messages that life is better when he drinks and to go ahead and do it. I can only imagine how awful it is, since we all understand how the 'forbidden fruit' only becomes that much more tempting. He has tried a few things without terrible success which also shows that the treatment needs to be right for the person and that they also cooperate fully which is difficult when their brains tell them it's normal to want to imbibe the way they do.
I'd be wary about re-starting anything if he does not actively seek some treatment. But if you choose to have contact, the best thing is to watch what he does, not what he says. What they say comes from a place of addiction so it's suspect even if not intentionally so; they simply see things differently. His actions are telling - not working a program, continuing to drink, this tells you what you need to know about embarking on this with him again.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: mission viejo, ca
Posts: 134
Wow this is how I know I def need serious help. I just read your form and I could only pray and wish for my ex to do that, I don’t know if it is to tell him to f* off or take him back lol. But at least I would know he still cared. But the best thing is to walk away…I know its hard. I CRY EVERYDAY STILL.
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yeah I don't know, I kinda don't believe him. I don't think he really wants to build a new, healthier future with me. I don't know why I think that, because he seemed really sincere, was very kind and helpful with stuff. But, I wonder if he is just stringing me a long here, he said he'd call me next week when he gets a new phone. History tends to repeat itself.
Hmm... I don't know. One of my favorite quotes from Hamlet, "there's something rotten in the state of Denmark". Just don't really believe him.
Either way, it's ultimately my choice if I'm going to let him lead me on or not, which I'm not giving him that control. Although I'm not ready to date anyone, I joined an online dating website just to "see what's out there". Also, still very patiently waiting for my alanon books/codependent books to arrive in the mail. Sheesh.
Hmm... I don't know. One of my favorite quotes from Hamlet, "there's something rotten in the state of Denmark". Just don't really believe him.
Either way, it's ultimately my choice if I'm going to let him lead me on or not, which I'm not giving him that control. Although I'm not ready to date anyone, I joined an online dating website just to "see what's out there". Also, still very patiently waiting for my alanon books/codependent books to arrive in the mail. Sheesh.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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Can't help but think this smacks of a whole load of attempts at manipulation. Also sounds like you are strong enough and wise enough to see this. Using your dogs to increase the regularity of contact, and also pulling at your heartstrings with his crying, trying to be a better person, etc. etc....... Just be careful and mind yourself, and continue to put yourself first.
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Omg I hate, hate hate what alcohol does to people and love ones. I hate the fact we don’t know if we can ever really belive them, I hate the fact that we feel we have to ruin our lives to help save them because of there manipulation and lies. I hate the way they can turn our love for them, into a game and a huge mind feck to control us and to do more then we should for them. I hate them! This post is proof, that you don’t know if you can trust him! He is crying (mine did too) and you want and feel you should give them a shot because they are “trying”. You want to, because you love him, you almost not only want to, but NEED THEM to change, to have back in your arms again and the man you remember. Because you want the old person back, the one you feel in love with, the one you wanted a life with, the one person you can tell everything to…but coming to the realization that old love and old person you fell in love with, is GONE… is so hard to imagine.
Someone told me once to imagine they died. As harsh as it is, it is some sort of closure. With and alcoholic, they will never give you the closure you need or deserve, because there number one goal is getting there fix or another enabler. (Mine did both) You have no option, but to mourn them and have no contact because you cannot contact someone who has passed away. Mourn the death of the old person you loved, because they are no longer present. I have been doing this the past couple days now and I have to tell you, it has helped some what. I balled like a baby and prayed to God to GET ME THROUGH THIS PLEASE, PLEASE…God will pull me through, he will for all of us. I just have to have faith that he has someone better for me and that I have to push through this now so I can be the strong new women, for the man God has for me.
Someone told me once to imagine they died. As harsh as it is, it is some sort of closure. With and alcoholic, they will never give you the closure you need or deserve, because there number one goal is getting there fix or another enabler. (Mine did both) You have no option, but to mourn them and have no contact because you cannot contact someone who has passed away. Mourn the death of the old person you loved, because they are no longer present. I have been doing this the past couple days now and I have to tell you, it has helped some what. I balled like a baby and prayed to God to GET ME THROUGH THIS PLEASE, PLEASE…God will pull me through, he will for all of us. I just have to have faith that he has someone better for me and that I have to push through this now so I can be the strong new women, for the man God has for me.
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Bailey-
Side bar from the rest of the posts which I agree with.
What was he like in behavior and actions with the dogs prior to this seperation? While drinking? While sober?
The reasons behind his approach to this aside this would help me determine if this is what is right for me and my animals to a degree.
As silly as it sounds it was my dogs and his treatment of them that made me realize how much the addiction had affected him. He is/was a dog lover. However I did all the general upkeep, exercise and care for them (food, water etc). It was a similar analogy to what he "said" and what he "did" around his addiction, but it was easier for me to see played out with the animals.
I have a long day like that one to two days a week too but I realize it is still better for them to be with me. This was a huge part of my recovery process.
Side bar from the rest of the posts which I agree with.
What was he like in behavior and actions with the dogs prior to this seperation? While drinking? While sober?
The reasons behind his approach to this aside this would help me determine if this is what is right for me and my animals to a degree.
As silly as it sounds it was my dogs and his treatment of them that made me realize how much the addiction had affected him. He is/was a dog lover. However I did all the general upkeep, exercise and care for them (food, water etc). It was a similar analogy to what he "said" and what he "did" around his addiction, but it was easier for me to see played out with the animals.
I have a long day like that one to two days a week too but I realize it is still better for them to be with me. This was a huge part of my recovery process.
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I told my mom about me and X's conversation from yesterday. She said it is sad because thats the person he is deep inside. He is a good person with a good heart. He wants to be happy, he's sorry he treated you badly, and of course he wants a happy future with you. But he has an addiction, and that addiction is stronger. The addiction controls him, and it will always win.
She said get off the rollercoaster, and shoot the rollercoaster operator so I can never get back on!
She said get off the rollercoaster, and shoot the rollercoaster operator so I can never get back on!
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Originally Posted by bailey17 
he did not mention that he was going to quit or try to work a program, just that he's stopped "drinking like that".
This sounds like nothing more than quacking unfortunately. I know this because I stupidly believed all of this nonsense from STBXAH for way too long.
I also would NOT trust him with the dogs. If I were you, I would never forgive myself if something happened to them in his care. STBXAH absolutely adored our cat and took him to his vet appointment (which he drove to) drunk and forgot to actually pay, and then crashed into a planter in front of our garage when he got home. My God, knowing this, I feel lucky the cat got home alive! He loved this cat more than anything (except booze of course)... just saying, I wouldn't trust him until he spends months EARNING your trust... and likely not even then for me!
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Baily:
For some reason, I keep going back to this post and everytime i read it, it makes me cry. I think becuase that story is so close to mine and I am holding it near and dear to my heart. My exbf had THE BIGGEST and KINDEST heart EVER! He was sweet and kind and always wanted to do what made me happy, even when he was high prescriptions. It was just that he was always checked out at times and I felt he was not all there. I never really felt like I had him 100% completly, always felt alone when he decided to take to much. He would cry and say how sorry he was and tell me he would change, HE WOULD. But only for a little while, so I kept taking him back over and over again becuase he loved me so much and I loved him. I almost wish i times he was REALLY MEAN to me or HATED ME becuase it would of made it easier to leave. I almost feel in a way that we want to trust them, so we dont have to suffer.
He then finally left me becuase, i just couldnt bring myself to trust him anymore after all the relapses and found another women to cherish and love to enable him. He told me it was all my fault becuase I couldnt let go of the past even though I WANTED TO SO BAD. I got to the end before he made the choice to leave that, you have to weigh the good with the bad. I relized that if i gave him another chance, I would have to be kicked out of my house, be homeless with no job, lving out of my car with my dog, going back to a man who I just found out did coke on new years and meth a few times after he got out of rehab and is back to drinking. BLAH.
Yeah, you can now see why i was dragging my feet. Even though i knew all of that, I WAS STILL thinking of going back becuase i loved him. lol This is how sick our desise is, as the enabler and co-dependent can be. We NEED them to change for us. I to have a dog with my ex and he tried to tell me i was an evil bitch for not allowing him to see him, they will do anything to blame everyone else but themseves. I HATE HATE HATE my ex and I hate hate hate what I have alloweed myself to belive and choose not to belive
For some reason, I keep going back to this post and everytime i read it, it makes me cry. I think becuase that story is so close to mine and I am holding it near and dear to my heart. My exbf had THE BIGGEST and KINDEST heart EVER! He was sweet and kind and always wanted to do what made me happy, even when he was high prescriptions. It was just that he was always checked out at times and I felt he was not all there. I never really felt like I had him 100% completly, always felt alone when he decided to take to much. He would cry and say how sorry he was and tell me he would change, HE WOULD. But only for a little while, so I kept taking him back over and over again becuase he loved me so much and I loved him. I almost wish i times he was REALLY MEAN to me or HATED ME becuase it would of made it easier to leave. I almost feel in a way that we want to trust them, so we dont have to suffer.
He then finally left me becuase, i just couldnt bring myself to trust him anymore after all the relapses and found another women to cherish and love to enable him. He told me it was all my fault becuase I couldnt let go of the past even though I WANTED TO SO BAD. I got to the end before he made the choice to leave that, you have to weigh the good with the bad. I relized that if i gave him another chance, I would have to be kicked out of my house, be homeless with no job, lving out of my car with my dog, going back to a man who I just found out did coke on new years and meth a few times after he got out of rehab and is back to drinking. BLAH.
Yeah, you can now see why i was dragging my feet. Even though i knew all of that, I WAS STILL thinking of going back becuase i loved him. lol This is how sick our desise is, as the enabler and co-dependent can be. We NEED them to change for us. I to have a dog with my ex and he tried to tell me i was an evil bitch for not allowing him to see him, they will do anything to blame everyone else but themseves. I HATE HATE HATE my ex and I hate hate hate what I have alloweed myself to belive and choose not to belive
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He's always been good with the dogs, very caring and protective. And I guess the only way he's earned my trust was when he came through and paid most of our bills for April.
But anyway, I'm just feeling kinda indifferent. It feels really nice being on my own. Like really really nice. I think I've started to detach from him. I don't really care what he's doing, or what he wants, because that's the ONLY thing i focused on for so many years: what HE wants. What do I want? That I'm still figuring out.
I'm not going to let him take the dogs. It was tempting because like I said, I'm out of the house 14 straight hours two days a week. But, my mom offered to come pick them up when she gets out of a work. A friend/neighbor offered to walk them while I'm gone, and my dad said I could drop them off at his house in the morning before I leave.
I've never really been a fan of rollercoasters.
Thanks for responding to my post. You all just confirmed what I was already thinking. Just helps to get it out there.
But anyway, I'm just feeling kinda indifferent. It feels really nice being on my own. Like really really nice. I think I've started to detach from him. I don't really care what he's doing, or what he wants, because that's the ONLY thing i focused on for so many years: what HE wants. What do I want? That I'm still figuring out.
I'm not going to let him take the dogs. It was tempting because like I said, I'm out of the house 14 straight hours two days a week. But, my mom offered to come pick them up when she gets out of a work. A friend/neighbor offered to walk them while I'm gone, and my dad said I could drop them off at his house in the morning before I leave.
I've never really been a fan of rollercoasters.
Thanks for responding to my post. You all just confirmed what I was already thinking. Just helps to get it out there.
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