Too many Day 1's to count anymore
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: san fernando valley, CA
Posts: 183
Too many Day 1's to count anymore
Today is another Day 1 for me. I want to be sober so badly. I am tired of feeling so ashamed. I am tired of feeling so useless and unaccomplished. I am tired of not being able to have any energy for anything unless I drink first.
I don't know what to do. I always start the week off and say "this is the first day of the rest of your life" I tell myself, this is it, I will quit drinking now. I give myself small goals, just one week sober. But by Wednesday I ususally give in and give in to the stress of the week and start drinking. Then after that I tell myself, well I drank already so might as well have another one on Thursday then Friday comes and well it's the weekend so there I go again and I try all over again on Monday.
I don't know what to do to make this time around different.
I have attended AA before. Last year I went for a few months but it depressed me. I know it helps alot of people and is a relief for them. It is kind of like counseling, people can talk about their stresses and get encouraging feed back etc but at early sobriety... I left a early saturday morning meeting and I was bawling in the car. I was just pouring tears and I wanted a drink so bad. I felt so depressed by hearing everyones problems and struggles and people saying they still struggle daily to not drink even after years of sobriety. I got home so sad and depressed. I felt ashamed of myself for taking time away from my kids to go to an AA meeting plus now feeling so sad about the meeting, I ended up telling myself, "why am I torturing myself? Why listen to other people's problems? Just go ahead and drink" and that is exactly what I did.
Then I kept drinking for almost a year now.
The change I plan on doing this time around is, to keep posting here. I don't have internet at home but I just bought my first smartphone so now I can at least log on here using my phone.
I think I want to start going to church again and just keep taking it 1 day at a time... 1 hour at a time... and 1 minute at a time.
I don't know what to do. I always start the week off and say "this is the first day of the rest of your life" I tell myself, this is it, I will quit drinking now. I give myself small goals, just one week sober. But by Wednesday I ususally give in and give in to the stress of the week and start drinking. Then after that I tell myself, well I drank already so might as well have another one on Thursday then Friday comes and well it's the weekend so there I go again and I try all over again on Monday.
I don't know what to do to make this time around different.
I have attended AA before. Last year I went for a few months but it depressed me. I know it helps alot of people and is a relief for them. It is kind of like counseling, people can talk about their stresses and get encouraging feed back etc but at early sobriety... I left a early saturday morning meeting and I was bawling in the car. I was just pouring tears and I wanted a drink so bad. I felt so depressed by hearing everyones problems and struggles and people saying they still struggle daily to not drink even after years of sobriety. I got home so sad and depressed. I felt ashamed of myself for taking time away from my kids to go to an AA meeting plus now feeling so sad about the meeting, I ended up telling myself, "why am I torturing myself? Why listen to other people's problems? Just go ahead and drink" and that is exactly what I did.
Then I kept drinking for almost a year now.
The change I plan on doing this time around is, to keep posting here. I don't have internet at home but I just bought my first smartphone so now I can at least log on here using my phone.
I think I want to start going to church again and just keep taking it 1 day at a time... 1 hour at a time... and 1 minute at a time.
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
Scared, this was my pattern for many years and I can totally relate. My resolve was never greater than after a binge, when I'd wake up in the morning feeling like crap. It was always, "This is really IT!!" But then the withdrawals and shakes would set in and the only way to feel better was to drink more. Vicious cycle, to be sure.
You have the right idea about taking things one day at a time, one hour at a time and sometimes even one minute at a time. Small goals are easier to obtain than large ones, like a week or "forever." Church is a good thing for many people, as is lots and lots of prayer. I start every morning with a prayer, asking God to help me stay sober just for today, and to remove my obsession to drink. It's working. This is my fourth time getting sober in a year, and for the first time, I have no desire to drink and really do feel that the obsession has been lifted from me. I'll have 30 days on Wednesday.
A program and face to face support have also been very helpful to me. If you're up for it, I'd really give AA another try. Walk in with the mindset that you are there to get better, and instead of letting other people's stories depress you, let them educate you ... as bad as some of those stories are, they can be a good lesson about where you may end up if you don't stop drinking. Get some phone numbers and seek out the people in the group who are friendly and helpful. Get a sponsor as soon as you can and start working the steps. If you go into it honestly, you will find that it can actually help your depression rather than worsening it. And remember ... if you're already dealing with depression, alcohol (a depressant) will only make it worse.
If you decide AA isn't for you, then by all means try something else ... AVRT, SMART, counseling, etc. And definitely keep coming to SR - there is always unwavering support here. Reading through all of the threads here, you will find that you are definitely not alone in what you're experiencing ... we've been there.
Wishing you all the best in your recovery, and praying that this is your last Day 1. You can do this and we'll do what we can to help.
You have the right idea about taking things one day at a time, one hour at a time and sometimes even one minute at a time. Small goals are easier to obtain than large ones, like a week or "forever." Church is a good thing for many people, as is lots and lots of prayer. I start every morning with a prayer, asking God to help me stay sober just for today, and to remove my obsession to drink. It's working. This is my fourth time getting sober in a year, and for the first time, I have no desire to drink and really do feel that the obsession has been lifted from me. I'll have 30 days on Wednesday.
A program and face to face support have also been very helpful to me. If you're up for it, I'd really give AA another try. Walk in with the mindset that you are there to get better, and instead of letting other people's stories depress you, let them educate you ... as bad as some of those stories are, they can be a good lesson about where you may end up if you don't stop drinking. Get some phone numbers and seek out the people in the group who are friendly and helpful. Get a sponsor as soon as you can and start working the steps. If you go into it honestly, you will find that it can actually help your depression rather than worsening it. And remember ... if you're already dealing with depression, alcohol (a depressant) will only make it worse.
If you decide AA isn't for you, then by all means try something else ... AVRT, SMART, counseling, etc. And definitely keep coming to SR - there is always unwavering support here. Reading through all of the threads here, you will find that you are definitely not alone in what you're experiencing ... we've been there.
Wishing you all the best in your recovery, and praying that this is your last Day 1. You can do this and we'll do what we can to help.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((scared1)))))
Welcome back!!!!!!!!!!
I am going to give you this information again, lol as I am sure the original is long gone:
Alcoholics Anonymous - San Fernando Valley Central Office
Please check out their web site and then give them a call. I got sober in the SF Valley and can tell you whether you choose AA or another program, there are certainly enough AA meetings in the valley to make some NEW SOBER friends who KNOW what you are going through.
Not sure what part of the Valley you live in, but can make 'book' that I have been to some of the meetings in your area, rofl
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Welcome back!!!!!!!!!!
I am going to give you this information again, lol as I am sure the original is long gone:
Alcoholics Anonymous - San Fernando Valley Central Office
Please check out their web site and then give them a call. I got sober in the SF Valley and can tell you whether you choose AA or another program, there are certainly enough AA meetings in the valley to make some NEW SOBER friends who KNOW what you are going through.
Not sure what part of the Valley you live in, but can make 'book' that I have been to some of the meetings in your area, rofl
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: san fernando valley, CA
Posts: 183
Laurie, thank you for the link. Last year I went to the Sylmar/San Fernando , Pacoima, Rafters and Stepping Stones meetings. I liked the Pacoima "speakers" meeting on Friday nights and I enjoyed the Stepping Stones meeting after work. I will give them another try.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,237
Remember that you never have to go
thru anything alone again for the rest
of your life including recovery.
I use the tools and knowledge of my
alcoholism when I spent 28 days in
rehab back in 1990 to help me stay sober.
I listened mostly in meetings and
absorbed what I thought was important
to take home with me to reflect on to
help me not drink till i made it to another
meeting.
Even when things didnt make sense I
still continued to listen and learn and did
find many lessons in life took longer to
learn than others.
When i kept touching the hot burner of
things in life and kept getting burned, I
eventually realized not to touch the burner
and I wont get burned anymore.
Not having alcohol in my home was a
big help for me because if in my many
mood swings and being in early recovery,
i was glad alcohol wasnt in my reach.
I stayed close and clung to many coattails
of those who stayed sober for a many a yrs
before me to guide me and encourage me
in my own recovery.
Little baby steps and faith in a Power greater
than I has allowed me to stay sober for a many
one days at a time to get me where I am today.
It can for you too.
thru anything alone again for the rest
of your life including recovery.
I use the tools and knowledge of my
alcoholism when I spent 28 days in
rehab back in 1990 to help me stay sober.
I listened mostly in meetings and
absorbed what I thought was important
to take home with me to reflect on to
help me not drink till i made it to another
meeting.
Even when things didnt make sense I
still continued to listen and learn and did
find many lessons in life took longer to
learn than others.
When i kept touching the hot burner of
things in life and kept getting burned, I
eventually realized not to touch the burner
and I wont get burned anymore.
Not having alcohol in my home was a
big help for me because if in my many
mood swings and being in early recovery,
i was glad alcohol wasnt in my reach.
I stayed close and clung to many coattails
of those who stayed sober for a many a yrs
before me to guide me and encourage me
in my own recovery.
Little baby steps and faith in a Power greater
than I has allowed me to stay sober for a many
one days at a time to get me where I am today.
It can for you too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by scared1 
I will give them another try.
That's what AA did for me.
Get involved get some phone numbers and call some of the girls to go to meetings with you. Get a sponsor to help you in the program.
Looking forward to hearing how you are doing in recovery. All the best.
Bob R
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: san fernando valley, CA
Posts: 183
I got mad a while back and defiant I guess. I was attending a few meetings with my friend who just had gotten out of rehab. We actually walked out of meeting because we felt like people were being really mean to a man. He was speaking (probably a little too long for some) and he said his addiction was cocaine more than alcohol and we were enjoying his "share" when some of the younger guys told him that he can't speak because this meeting is for alcoholics. They cut him off mid sentence and said "are you an alcoholic or not?" he seemed confused and said no, I am an addict and they told him he can't speak no more.
My friend got very offended by that and said "what does it matter? addiction is addiction!" we thanked the man for his share and then we left.
Well a few weeks later she met a man in AA and 4 months later, he killed her. She died 3 days before her 32nd birthday. SHe was killed in her own bed by him.
I blamed our addiction on all of it. Actually I blamed the fact that we were trying to quit our addictions. I thought if it wasn't for her rehab, for us trying to quit, for attending AA then maybe she would still be alive.
I am snapping out of that mind set now. I want help and no longer blame anyone or anything.
It is what it is and **** happens no matter what. It was her time no matter what.
I am tired of feeling like people are looking at me and shaking their heads because I am a drunk.
I want to feel proud. I want to feel like people are proud of me!!!!
My friend got very offended by that and said "what does it matter? addiction is addiction!" we thanked the man for his share and then we left.
Well a few weeks later she met a man in AA and 4 months later, he killed her. She died 3 days before her 32nd birthday. SHe was killed in her own bed by him.
I blamed our addiction on all of it. Actually I blamed the fact that we were trying to quit our addictions. I thought if it wasn't for her rehab, for us trying to quit, for attending AA then maybe she would still be alive.
I am snapping out of that mind set now. I want help and no longer blame anyone or anything.
It is what it is and **** happens no matter what. It was her time no matter what.
I am tired of feeling like people are looking at me and shaking their heads because I am a drunk.
I want to feel proud. I want to feel like people are proud of me!!!!
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Scared1, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend.
I know that feeling of shame you mentioned so very well. I was ashamed of myself too for the longest time, and this shame let me sink even deeper, doing things in active addiction that I had swore I would never do. This of course made me even more depressed and ashamed. A disaster!
One day I found a small light inside of me, and I was still proud of that small part. That small part, the good part, needed all the help I could give it. I decided it was time to start feeling proud again, just because I could, and because it was my right. I decided that no one thing would ever take away those things I valued any more. I would defend and protect and nurture that small light with all my heart and soul so that it could grow to be what it used to be.
I am still becoming, but I am proud of me now. My family no longer stays away from me because of their disappointment in me and that pain that my drinking caused them. They are proud of me too. I really like that part. Scared1, taking that step and making that commitment to yourself is terrifying, I remember that very well. But your life is waiting for you.
What are you going to do?
I know that feeling of shame you mentioned so very well. I was ashamed of myself too for the longest time, and this shame let me sink even deeper, doing things in active addiction that I had swore I would never do. This of course made me even more depressed and ashamed. A disaster!
One day I found a small light inside of me, and I was still proud of that small part. That small part, the good part, needed all the help I could give it. I decided it was time to start feeling proud again, just because I could, and because it was my right. I decided that no one thing would ever take away those things I valued any more. I would defend and protect and nurture that small light with all my heart and soul so that it could grow to be what it used to be.
I am still becoming, but I am proud of me now. My family no longer stays away from me because of their disappointment in me and that pain that my drinking caused them. They are proud of me too. I really like that part. Scared1, taking that step and making that commitment to yourself is terrifying, I remember that very well. But your life is waiting for you.
What are you going to do?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: san fernando valley, CA
Posts: 183
It is crazy how depressed and ashamed alcohol can make you feel.
I feel like everyone hates me and is ashamed and embarressed of me. That I let everyone down.
But in my mind I know that is not true. Nobody avoids me. I know my family all loves me. I know I didn't make a fool out of myself this weekend. I am working and paying all my bills and being responsible.But I can't shake the feeling of being ashamed. It is just crazy.
I feel like everyone hates me and is ashamed and embarressed of me. That I let everyone down.
But in my mind I know that is not true. Nobody avoids me. I know my family all loves me. I know I didn't make a fool out of myself this weekend. I am working and paying all my bills and being responsible.But I can't shake the feeling of being ashamed. It is just crazy.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Good for you.
I am very familiar with those meetings, especially the Pacoima group. Not too many folks left that I knew so many years ago. Pacoima was my 2nd Home Group, lol If you do go to Pacoima and happen to see Yolonda or a fairy tall black gentleman with the first name of Leroy, please tell them that Laurie L in New Mexico says hi. lol
The Rafters up in Newhall was another favorite place of mine to go to.
I am glad you are going to give it another try.
I do believe we all felt that feeling of shame, I know I sure did!!! I also know that as I continued to go to meetings, and started working a program, listening to others stories to see what matched mine, the way I felt about myself started to change.
I am glad to see that you are now starting to understand that it was NOT the 'recovery' or the meetings, or the rehab, that lost your friend's life for her, it was the addiction.
Something I found out by getting sober and clean, that not only had the alcohol and drugs 'numbed' my emotions, but the chemicals had 'numbed' my whole being and all I had been doing was just barely existing, with recovery came awareness of things going one in this life that I had forgotten years before. Be it silly or mundane things like sitting and watching ants in their never ending 'work,' to going up to Santa Cruz and watching the whales. So so many things I had missed out on.
I am glad you are posting again. Stick with us, we can walk with you in spirit and you will always know you are not alone.
Love and hugs,
I am very familiar with those meetings, especially the Pacoima group. Not too many folks left that I knew so many years ago. Pacoima was my 2nd Home Group, lol If you do go to Pacoima and happen to see Yolonda or a fairy tall black gentleman with the first name of Leroy, please tell them that Laurie L in New Mexico says hi. lol
The Rafters up in Newhall was another favorite place of mine to go to.
I am glad you are going to give it another try.
I do believe we all felt that feeling of shame, I know I sure did!!! I also know that as I continued to go to meetings, and started working a program, listening to others stories to see what matched mine, the way I felt about myself started to change.
I am glad to see that you are now starting to understand that it was NOT the 'recovery' or the meetings, or the rehab, that lost your friend's life for her, it was the addiction.
Something I found out by getting sober and clean, that not only had the alcohol and drugs 'numbed' my emotions, but the chemicals had 'numbed' my whole being and all I had been doing was just barely existing, with recovery came awareness of things going one in this life that I had forgotten years before. Be it silly or mundane things like sitting and watching ants in their never ending 'work,' to going up to Santa Cruz and watching the whales. So so many things I had missed out on.
I am glad you are posting again. Stick with us, we can walk with you in spirit and you will always know you are not alone.
Love and hugs,
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,775
I had too many day ones to remember and felt hopeless. But I finally admitted to myself that I couldn't drink anymore, that I'd come to a bad end if I continued to drink.
That was 28 months ago. So you see, it is possible to be a chronic relapser and finally 'make it'.
That was 28 months ago. So you see, it is possible to be a chronic relapser and finally 'make it'. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: san fernando valley, CA
Posts: 183
Laurie,
I did meet Leroy last year when I went to the meeting. He was very nice and welcoming, that is why I will give it another try. They were really nice to me there.
I did meet Leroy last year when I went to the meeting. He was very nice and welcoming, that is why I will give it another try. They were really nice to me there.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I felt exactly the same way when I was drinking, all the shame and depression, not being able to stop, feeling like I was fighting a nervous breakdown all the time, yet still taking care of my responsibilities. My heart goes out to you....
Try to remember that this is not YOU - it's a disease/condition that affects millions of people and it takes our power and sanity away little by little. It erodes our ability to chose. There isn't anything wrong with you more than any of us here.... it's just that your addiction is active and you can't change it by yourself.
I couldn't quit either as long as I was alone my own thinking. Reading here (a LOT) gave me a chance to think new thoughts and feel less shame. I had to give myself constant "injections" of SR at first because the addict voice would take over again right away. But it worked for me. Meetings are great, too..... I just found that I needed more constant input.
We're here to support you - you can do this!
Try to remember that this is not YOU - it's a disease/condition that affects millions of people and it takes our power and sanity away little by little. It erodes our ability to chose. There isn't anything wrong with you more than any of us here.... it's just that your addiction is active and you can't change it by yourself.
I couldn't quit either as long as I was alone my own thinking. Reading here (a LOT) gave me a chance to think new thoughts and feel less shame. I had to give myself constant "injections" of SR at first because the addict voice would take over again right away. But it worked for me. Meetings are great, too..... I just found that I needed more constant input.
We're here to support you - you can do this!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
good to see you back scared1
no matter what you do, I think it's good to try and add stuff to whatever you did before - a constant presence on SR certainly helped me and I hope it helps you too
There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.
The main thing tho - whatever you decide to do - is do something
D
no matter what you do, I think it's good to try and add stuff to whatever you did before - a constant presence on SR certainly helped me and I hope it helps you too
There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.
The main thing tho - whatever you decide to do - is do something
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Hi Scared
Good to see you back and willing to give AA another go. I am less interested in hearing the stories and want to learn about the solution.
I think it is valid to say this.
Shocking about your friend. That must have set you back a bit.
I like Freshstart,s post about nurturing that small light that is inside of you. Those feelings of unease you have are absolutely correct and you won't be rid of them until you stop drinking and allow the real self to emerge.
CaiHong
Good to see you back and willing to give AA another go. I am less interested in hearing the stories and want to learn about the solution.
I think it is valid to say this.
Shocking about your friend. That must have set you back a bit.
I like Freshstart,s post about nurturing that small light that is inside of you. Those feelings of unease you have are absolutely correct and you won't be rid of them until you stop drinking and allow the real self to emerge.
CaiHong
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
Glad you're back. Pretty ironic that you and your friends walked out, given that the people objecting to the long winded cokehead did that out of concern for people like yourself.
It's nice to hear there are people in your area who care about AA carrying a clear message to newcomers and will act to ensure that happens. That shows they know how important it is that you get your chance at this. You were being cared for in a way you couldn't then fathom.
If you're fortunate enough to stick it someday may be you stepping in when a meeting gets off track, so the new people can access the solution they must have in order to not go back to their misery.
Anyway, glad you're coming back from the usual misery and giving sobriety another shot.
It's nice to hear there are people in your area who care about AA carrying a clear message to newcomers and will act to ensure that happens. That shows they know how important it is that you get your chance at this. You were being cared for in a way you couldn't then fathom.
If you're fortunate enough to stick it someday may be you stepping in when a meeting gets off track, so the new people can access the solution they must have in order to not go back to their misery.
Anyway, glad you're coming back from the usual misery and giving sobriety another shot.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: FLorida
Posts: 53
Langkah... what the heck was that?
"Cokehead". I hope I misinterpretted your post. If not, it was pretty bad.
Addiction is addiction. That is exactly why I wonder about AA. It is like all of the AAers are constantly recruiting. Like MLM's.
It is getting old.
Addiction is addiction. That is exactly why I wonder about AA. It is like all of the AAers are constantly recruiting. Like MLM's.
It is getting old.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
We all tend to use a forum shorthand here muffin - drunks etc - but you're right: we should all be aware that that sometimes people might find those terms offensive, just like AAers may find being compared to multi level marketing might rankle.
I think we need to focus on the OP and her thread tho right now tho.
If anyone wants to discuss tangents further I suggest it either gets taken to PM, or start a new thread...
thanks
D
I think we need to focus on the OP and her thread tho right now tho.
If anyone wants to discuss tangents further I suggest it either gets taken to PM, or start a new thread...
thanks
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 138
I was so full of embarassement, shame, guilt, and remorse at the end of my drinking career. I was scared everytime I walked into an AA meeting for the first couple of monthes. I couldn't believe my life had spun so far out of control. Now, a year later, I am still scared sometimes, but for different reasons. I am still learning how to live a sober, happy life; however, I no longer wake up full of guilt, shame, embarassement, and remorse. I am more comfortable being me. Alcohol worked for me until it didn't work anymore. I suggest finding a program of recovery that works for you, commit to it, and follow through. Recovery can be scary and uncomfortable in the beginning as you are changing from the known drinking life into to the unknown life of sober living. Good luck.
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