I thought I was doing so well...guess not. PLEASE HELP!

Old 04-02-2012, 08:23 AM
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Unhappy I thought I was doing so well...guess not. PLEASE HELP!

Dear SR community:

I have been getting through my process of ending my relationship with my EXBF 3 months ago...I have been giving adivice to many other women about my progress and how i did it. Well this weekend i felt myself slip back into depression and I cant get out! I was like one blow after another and now I feel I am back to square one with my depression.

Friday night I "tried" to go on a date ( do not recommend this after 6 year relationship and only out for 3 months and still griving) I cried before he picked me up and cried after the date. It just made me miss my ex and how much I loved him and could be myself around him. Then saterday night, my friends took me out and this made me even more depressed, here i was at 29 at a bar when i just keep thinking, i wish i was married with kids and dont want to be part of this sceane anymore. I cried till i feel asleep that night. Then sunday, i went looking for apartments with a new roommate i have only meet once and made me feel REALLY REALLY REALLY alone and i had a panic attack cuz i am starting over and I just want him back.

I know i cant be with him, he is no good for me. But, i cant help but feel sooooo depressed. I am so not where i want to be in life, I feel so alone and I am getting angry at God for not giving me the desires of my heart even though i know, I am the one that has to pull myself out. I know this is gonna take time, I am still crying but I feel soooooooooooooo alone and cant see the light except years down the road and I feel i dont have the strenth to get to that point in time. Please help me cope with all of this.

Between the move, the lonliness, me knowing he is with somone else and the fear of the unknown..is keeping me in a personal hell and I WANT OUT.

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Old 04-02-2012, 08:36 AM
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One day at a time. One hour or one minute at a time if need be. 3 months out of a 6 relationship is EARLY to go out on a date. If you need help getting through your day, make a TO DO list or a schedule and just go through the motions. The rest of the time, take care of yourself. Yes, this is tough. You're in detox from your drug of choice: him. There are going to be cravings and lows. Expect this. Remember though, no one ever died from being uncomfortable.

As for wanting him back...you don't really want HIM back. You want the fantasy of what you wanted him to be. He's not that person and I wonder if he ever was. Try to remind yourself of that. And KEEP POSTING!
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Old 04-02-2012, 08:43 AM
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love, feel the feelings...its all HEALTHY...and remember YOU ARE GRIEVING, this is what it feels like...

no more dates...you are not ready, cant you see that?...its time for SELF CARE

are you going to AL ANON meetings...even though you are not with him anymore, i would still go...i am after my A/NA left me 2 years...and things in my life has come so clearier!! trust me on that....

how about reading the literature on AA and AL ANON and CO DEPENDENCY? good reads to start...

i have been there too...it take patience within oneself....
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Old 04-02-2012, 08:44 AM
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((((Rae))))) honey, I get it. What you are going through is just sooo normal and really healthy. You , of course are not going to skate right through this, there is a lot of grieving and anger and sadness and fear to face, I too am in the process of moving to a new place, we did not live together , but there something so familiar here, something that is hard to leave and lots of memories, but I know , deep inside that my new place will be a place of peace.

What your future holds now is promise, and peace. With you xab your future was just more of the same, over and over and over and over again, day in day out. I read somewhere yesterday that you x posted something on fb about difficulty in relationships, already yoiu said. If the idea of him tanking with this new woman gives you some peace, than rest assured, that is just around the corner, and guess who he will be hunting for, you.

Get out there, as much as you can, talk to new people, be with your friends and family, have compassion for yourself, you will get stronger, and feel better, these moments of depression and anger and hurt are normal, of course you feel these things, you have been hurt, by him and he will be sniffing around agian I guarantee, and when he does, you will be moivng forward and living you life authentically. It's okay and very normal to feel this way, it's grief, over many things, and fear over the future, you are incorrect if you are thinking it won't go away or get bettter. It most certainly will, you are no longer being abused by you XAB. And honey, you were being abused.

lots of hugs and continued healing to you.

K
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Old 04-02-2012, 08:51 AM
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Have you been attending Alanon? You might be surprised that there are many other women (and men) feeling just like you.

You can get through this. You're stronger than you believe.
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Old 04-02-2012, 08:53 AM
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I'm sorry you are in so much pain. It is painful.

I agree with fourmaggie about some self care and self help activities being a good thing.

I wonder if you are grieving over the actual relationship with this man or over the dream you had of where your life would be? I ask because I know letting go of my dream, grieving that loss was even more painful then losing the man I'd known for 15+ years. I had emotionality left that man years before I actually left. I knew that *he* could not get me *there* but giving up on *there/my dream* and feeling that loss was quite overwhelming and very painful.

Give that some consideration. If you can separate it out in your head you can focus on the right thing. Meaning - you'll have less obsession with contacting the man if what you are really grieving for most is the dream he represented. At least it worked that way for me. He is an obstacle to that dream. Clear the path of obstacles so that you may walk into happiness. It is hard work for sure but you can get through it
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Old 04-02-2012, 09:55 AM
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It is very hard. My xab of two years has just quit rehab again. It will never end and it is hurtful. I have been reading co dependency books and attending meetings. There are so many mixed emotions and you have to realize you are in the detox stage. Take one day at a time. You are whats important now. The last letter I wrote to him in detox I thanked him for making me a stronger person and introducing me to Alanon. There is no closure with this disease you just have to pick up and move on. Don't look at it as wasted time look at it as a growing time in your life.
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Old 04-02-2012, 10:42 AM
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It is so very human to want to return to our comfort zone. Even when the comfort zone is not healthy, it is all we know.

Looking at everything you learned and experienced this weekend, I think you did remarkably well. You now know you are not ready to date, you know you are not into the bar scene. Two things you can scratch off your list. Now you have time to focus on something more near and dear to your heart.

Take this time to experience something new. Reconnect with friends and family. Have some friends over, visit museums, do anything to absorb your mind. It truly will get easier. Give yourself permission to go forward. It is what it is, Embrace your today, you will never get this day back.

Shortly after XA and I ended our journey together, I attended a fundraiser at a cancer hospital, seeing all those seriously ill people fighting for their survival, made me realize what I was going through was peanuts compared to what they were enduring. It gave me a new perspective. They did not have a choice, i did.

It's the same for you today, choose to go forward with an open heart, accept that his role, in your life, is now completed. Someday, something will happen, and then all this will make more sense.

Be good to yourself, believe in yourself, and know you are not alone!!
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Old 04-02-2012, 11:08 AM
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I, too, jumped out of my relationship and right into dating again and partly because I heard my XAH was out there dating and having a good time! Somehow knowing that bothered me to the core of my being because I was thinking "why should I sit here and not go out with anyone and he's out there living it up and it's him that's the alcoholic and has all the problems yet ppl find him dateable?" All these crazy thoughts about the whole situation made me feel like "I" should be the one moving on and discovering happiness with someone again but I was so NOT READY! I was and I am still in the very early stages of recovery myself and it is also hard for me to even imagine moving on and being with another person. I'm still hurt, confused, angry, many trust issues, and it will be a long time before I'm ready for that step. I've got to find "myself" again and reconnect. I have also tried the bar scene with my friends and that was never good either...I do love to go dancing but I would rather dance in my living room than to have a bunch of "drunks" slurringly hit on me and try to take me home. Ha! Been there, done that and never going back! (Sad part is I didn't even meet my A at a bar)

I still lose focus of my goal, I still miss my fantasy of him, I still remember the good times (although they are few and far in between), I still get the urge to just hear his voice sometimes and know that he is ok, I still miss waking up beside him, I still miss my best friend, but what I don't miss outweighs what I do miss far more and that's what keeps me fighting and moving forward. I have several of these sticky's posted around so when I get to feeling like I'm going to break down and have some sort of contact with him...I go look in the mirror, read the sticky, and tell myself "YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN HIM"
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Old 04-02-2012, 11:09 AM
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When my 6 year relationship ended I was 26 and in my final year at university. And we were still living together cuz of lease/living situation complications so I even would hear him through the floor, talking to the new love of his life on the phone at night. I worked out, I was out of the house and with friends as much as possible, I listened to music like Alanis Morissette to get my hate and anger out. Every guy I saw on campus I compared to mine and thought he's too tall, he's too short, etc. I could not picture myself with anyone else except him because that's all I'd known for that many years.

Time passed and it got better. Then one day I was going to the homecoming game with my gf, and we met at her bf's house. I walked in and there was a guy there, one of his roomies. Something just 'happened' when we looked at each other. That was about 13 years ago and we've been married 10 years and we have a beautiful baby girl. Yes he has issues with alcohol but he is not mean or abusive; he's been trying to be clean now for 3 years and he's more like the student weekend binge drinker that never grew up. He is MILES better than the other guy who was toxic and controlling and hot/cold etc.

It can and will happen that you will move on, but it will take time. My sis gave me some good advice back then - she said when I start thinking about him, picture a large red STOP SIGN in my head. It actually helped because it prevented me from going down that road where I forgot the bad and thought only of the good.

29 is young! Feels like going through molasses thinking you're later than everyone who has already paired up, having kids etc. Not true. People get divorced after many years and grown kids and still can find that special someone. The biggest thing is to stop thinking about it; when we do we allow things to happen more naturally.
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Old 04-02-2012, 01:04 PM
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Loveallgone nicely put! I do miss him everyday he was my best friend. When I feel weak I think of all the babysitting I did, missed events, and I wonder does he really even know the real me? He was drunk 80% of the time....
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Old 04-02-2012, 02:09 PM
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I was thinking about that, what is it that I miss the most. I miss EVERYTHING. The problem with me is it is harder to remember all the bad because the last year we were dating we were living apart and I only heard he started drinking again but every once in awhile. Then the 3 years priror to that, he wasn’t drinking at all but was just using heavy prescription pills which don’t bring out the bad in him, I just made him sleep a lot and depressed. I wish I had horrible memories of him but I don’t anymore, there all the good ones. The reason I couldn’t make it work was because I lived with my dad again and he said I had to stay away from him or be on the street (even though I am 28) because he didn’t want that drama. WELL I didn’t want to move back in with my ex yet cuz I didn’t know about the drinking again and I didn’t have a job. So I told him just wait a few more months till I get a job and we can be together, he said NO FIGHT FOR ME NOW, I WOULD BE HOMELESS FOR YOU…IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE YOU WOULD DO IT. LOVE IS ALL WE NEED, he cried and then dumped me and said he found someone else. I am just so brokenhearted cuz I still feel it is my fault, I did apologieze to him but he just keep rubbing the new girl in my face. I am so depressed.
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Old 04-02-2012, 02:13 PM
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ever seen the NOTEBOOK? or ps I LOVE YOU?...watch them...then tell me what is the most important things in your life at this moment....
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Old 04-02-2012, 02:27 PM
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Oh Rae....baby I am so sorry.......... but You didn't cause this! You are trying to blame yourself.


Originally Posted by justrae83 View Post
I wish I had horrible memories of him but I don’t anymore, there all the good ones.
Really sweetie? Your Dad has horrible memories of him and quite frankly everyone here on SR does too. You seriously don't remember those horrible memories............... we do because you told them to us.
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Old 04-02-2012, 02:27 PM
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Originally Posted by justrae83 View Post
I WOULD BE HOMELESS FOR YOU…IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE YOU WOULD DO IT. LOVE IS ALL WE NEED


Just my two cents on his views.
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Old 04-02-2012, 02:28 PM
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Love is all we need? REALLY? He actually said that? I would expect that response out of maybe a 13 or 14 year old, experiencing their first "crush"

Cuz here in the real world, we need a roof over our head, food in our belly, a job, a functioning brain, that excercizes some common sense.

Rae, you are seaching for a real man, this guy is only a child. You deserve so much better, keep posting my friend
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Old 04-02-2012, 02:33 PM
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You need help. Help that I cannot give you, I am not clinically trained, not a therapist. I am just a garden variety codie.

Please get yourself some help,IMHO, the mental unrest that you continue to experience requires professional guidance.

Take care of you.
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Old 04-02-2012, 02:38 PM
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What he has done to you in the last week is enough for most people to be glad he's gone. I do not mean that as condescending as it sounds because I stayed for years with someone that most people would have left. I get that part of it.

Have you sought a counselor? You have self-awareness because you are posting here on SR but there is really nothing more we can do or say that will ease your pain. We have re-framed this situation and his actions over and over. Perhaps you need face to face support from a trained counselor to help you over this bump in life's road. He's lproven himself to be an adolescent, cruel, user, alcoholic of a man and he is long gone. This is all about you. Love yourself enough to get real help in getting through it because it can't be much fun living in the space you are in right now. You are unable to even quit talking to him after all that even though you know it is just keeping you in that space.
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Old 04-02-2012, 03:19 PM
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I 100% agree with Dollydo, Justrae.
I know you are in horrible emotional pain but as I read your posts from the first thread, you are back and forth and all over the map.

While it's nice to read hugs and kisses and posts of support, I don't think time is what is going to get you through this. I think you have some deep core issues than span way way back that you need to resolve with a professional. Dating isn't the answer either.

Please focus on yourself, concentrate on work with a therapist. There is no quick fix. This is about you.
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Old 04-02-2012, 03:20 PM
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Originally Posted by justrae83 View Post
here i was at 29 at a bar when i just keep thinking, i wish i was married with kids and dont want to be part of this sceane anymore.
You can choose not to be a part of the bar scene. You are not trapped in there with marriage and kids being your only ticket out.
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