don't know how to let go of hurt
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 4
don't know how to let go of hurt
I am new here... I don't even know where to begin... everyone has a story right? So here's mine, the quick version.
My husband is an addict. It all started innocent years ago with a real prescription for pain killers due to back issues. Then he started taking oxy for fun... I don't even remember it all but about 5 years ago I realized how much money he was spending and the moodiness and all of a sudden I just knew. I confronted him... he admitted it all and then stopped using and started going to na meetings... things were good for a while... he has not gone back to oxy for any length of time again but had had days here and there... he struggles because he is still in pain but he only takes t3s from the dr and refuses a script anything stronger which is good... so then the new drug of choice became cocaine... at first just a little here and there... but then i noticed it getting more and more frequent and for more days at a time... we like part of the year in Central America where coke is cheap and available everywhere and almost part of the culture (somehow it doesn't tempt me tho!) and when we are there he uses more... But here's the thing... we have money, so he can "afford" his habit (not that I wouldn't rather spend the money on something else!) and he doesn't lie to me about it anymore, if I ask he tells the truth. So I think he doesn't get how much it hurts me. How he gets moody. How he ignores me and chooses drugs and drug people over me and our family (we have 3 kids). This past year has been so lonely for me. I can't count the nights I have spent alone while he is out using and partying. At some point in the last year it started to really get to me, more than it ever has before. I felt really hurt by his using, by his bad choices. I was sick of being left alone, taking care of our responsibilities while he is out using. And he has also been sick or injured a good part of the year, which means when he is around I am taking care of him a lot, and then as soon as he is better off he goes and I am alone an hurting again. We were been back in North America for about 3 weeks and he wasn't using when we got back, then we went on a work trip to Europe and stayed a few days extra to have some time as a couple (which is very rare for us as parents with 3 kids!). Before we left I was scared he would use. I wanted so much for this trip to be good for us, but my worst fear came true and he used while we were in Amsterdam. He left our group and went off by himself. Then the next day he was all messed up and didn't do the things we had planned ( he didn't seem to think that was a big deal and I was so hurt). He showed up for dinner with our group and then took off again that night. I had to make excuses for him to work people. I was so lonely and hurt and embarrassed. The next day we had a big fight. We managed to salvage the last days of our trip but only barely. I had to put all my hurt aside and just try to forget and enjoy where I was. The trip was so important to me. We have been back now only a week and I can't let it go... I am so hurt. It is like all the hurt of the last year and years has built up and now I can't let go and I can't forget. I want to be important to him. I want him to see me and do things for me. I do not want to praise him for just not using or being a Dad, that is normal! I feel like he should try to make things up to me. He just wants me to move on and trust him... this time... but I am now sure there will be a next time and I just can't shake it...
I have lost trust. I don't know what to do.I don't want to leave him. We have 3 kids. We have built a business. We have been together for more than half our lives. I still love him.
On the outside our life looks perfect, but inside I am so sad. I want to appreciate all that I have but I can't let go of this hurt. I don't know how to make myself feel better...
I have been to meetings years ago and I know I should go back. I just never really connected with anyone there. They were all parents of addicts. No one else had a addict spouse. I need to know I am not alone. I find myself wishing I could talk to someone who has been there...
thanks for reading/listening...
My husband is an addict. It all started innocent years ago with a real prescription for pain killers due to back issues. Then he started taking oxy for fun... I don't even remember it all but about 5 years ago I realized how much money he was spending and the moodiness and all of a sudden I just knew. I confronted him... he admitted it all and then stopped using and started going to na meetings... things were good for a while... he has not gone back to oxy for any length of time again but had had days here and there... he struggles because he is still in pain but he only takes t3s from the dr and refuses a script anything stronger which is good... so then the new drug of choice became cocaine... at first just a little here and there... but then i noticed it getting more and more frequent and for more days at a time... we like part of the year in Central America where coke is cheap and available everywhere and almost part of the culture (somehow it doesn't tempt me tho!) and when we are there he uses more... But here's the thing... we have money, so he can "afford" his habit (not that I wouldn't rather spend the money on something else!) and he doesn't lie to me about it anymore, if I ask he tells the truth. So I think he doesn't get how much it hurts me. How he gets moody. How he ignores me and chooses drugs and drug people over me and our family (we have 3 kids). This past year has been so lonely for me. I can't count the nights I have spent alone while he is out using and partying. At some point in the last year it started to really get to me, more than it ever has before. I felt really hurt by his using, by his bad choices. I was sick of being left alone, taking care of our responsibilities while he is out using. And he has also been sick or injured a good part of the year, which means when he is around I am taking care of him a lot, and then as soon as he is better off he goes and I am alone an hurting again. We were been back in North America for about 3 weeks and he wasn't using when we got back, then we went on a work trip to Europe and stayed a few days extra to have some time as a couple (which is very rare for us as parents with 3 kids!). Before we left I was scared he would use. I wanted so much for this trip to be good for us, but my worst fear came true and he used while we were in Amsterdam. He left our group and went off by himself. Then the next day he was all messed up and didn't do the things we had planned ( he didn't seem to think that was a big deal and I was so hurt). He showed up for dinner with our group and then took off again that night. I had to make excuses for him to work people. I was so lonely and hurt and embarrassed. The next day we had a big fight. We managed to salvage the last days of our trip but only barely. I had to put all my hurt aside and just try to forget and enjoy where I was. The trip was so important to me. We have been back now only a week and I can't let it go... I am so hurt. It is like all the hurt of the last year and years has built up and now I can't let go and I can't forget. I want to be important to him. I want him to see me and do things for me. I do not want to praise him for just not using or being a Dad, that is normal! I feel like he should try to make things up to me. He just wants me to move on and trust him... this time... but I am now sure there will be a next time and I just can't shake it...
I have lost trust. I don't know what to do.I don't want to leave him. We have 3 kids. We have built a business. We have been together for more than half our lives. I still love him.
On the outside our life looks perfect, but inside I am so sad. I want to appreciate all that I have but I can't let go of this hurt. I don't know how to make myself feel better...
I have been to meetings years ago and I know I should go back. I just never really connected with anyone there. They were all parents of addicts. No one else had a addict spouse. I need to know I am not alone. I find myself wishing I could talk to someone who has been there...
thanks for reading/listening...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((sugarmag))) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here.
I'm both a recovering addict and have loved ones who are A's (addict/alcoholic). When I first got here, it was due to my addiction then I found this forum and realized I had a big problem with codependency. I'd been all wrapped in the "him" and forgot about me.
I read, then read, then read some more. I found out I wasn't alone, and neither are you. The "stickies" (posts at the top of this forum) also have some really good information.
Things may have changed at meetings...seems like there are a lot more spouses of A's around these days
Keep reading and posting.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm both a recovering addict and have loved ones who are A's (addict/alcoholic). When I first got here, it was due to my addiction then I found this forum and realized I had a big problem with codependency. I'd been all wrapped in the "him" and forgot about me.
I read, then read, then read some more. I found out I wasn't alone, and neither are you. The "stickies" (posts at the top of this forum) also have some really good information.
Things may have changed at meetings...seems like there are a lot more spouses of A's around these days
Keep reading and posting.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
dear sugarmag,
welcome to sr and also sorry that you have to be here. sr is a great place and has helped me so much.
reading your post has made me sad as your situation is so much similar to mine. i want you to know that you are not alone.
a little over a yr ago, i have left my husband w/ our 2 kids and pregnant w/ our 3rd (i guess you can read my story in the old threads). since then, the baby has been born and is almost 6 mths old now. i remember feeling exactly the way that you feel. i found out that my AH was using cocaine about 2 and a half yrs after we were married. once i found out (didn't really know anything much about drugs) i have struggled on trying to help him or deciding on what i needed to do for another 2 and a half yrs. now we have been married for 6 yrs. i still cannot bring myself to file for divorce, even though i don't even know what am i holding out for. sorry to ramble on about my stuff.
anyways, our life was somewhat like yours. we worked hard and were able to buy a nice home in a good neighborhood. i stayed at home and had my own business and he worked. money was never really a problem. in order to sustain his habit my husband would make "little" deals for his friends and the profits were enough for his to have a steady supply. it also made it harder to see the problem for me.
your post brought it all back. endless evenings and nights (until early in the morning) that i would spend with kids, having to explain where daddy was and why was it important to spend time with his buddies when he could have been home with his kids. we also had a perfect life on the outside and i had refused to believe the hell it actually was on the inside. his moods. not being able to have even the minor arguments for fear of his reaction. having to make endless excuses to myself and everyone else about his behavior and choices, etc. etc. it's been over a year and yet it is still so fresh in my mind.
i guess i wanted you to know that i can relate. i have been there and i really appreciate your post. stay strong and take care of yourself and your kids.
my hugs and prayers are with you and your family. stay strong.
welcome to sr and also sorry that you have to be here. sr is a great place and has helped me so much.
reading your post has made me sad as your situation is so much similar to mine. i want you to know that you are not alone.
a little over a yr ago, i have left my husband w/ our 2 kids and pregnant w/ our 3rd (i guess you can read my story in the old threads). since then, the baby has been born and is almost 6 mths old now. i remember feeling exactly the way that you feel. i found out that my AH was using cocaine about 2 and a half yrs after we were married. once i found out (didn't really know anything much about drugs) i have struggled on trying to help him or deciding on what i needed to do for another 2 and a half yrs. now we have been married for 6 yrs. i still cannot bring myself to file for divorce, even though i don't even know what am i holding out for. sorry to ramble on about my stuff.
anyways, our life was somewhat like yours. we worked hard and were able to buy a nice home in a good neighborhood. i stayed at home and had my own business and he worked. money was never really a problem. in order to sustain his habit my husband would make "little" deals for his friends and the profits were enough for his to have a steady supply. it also made it harder to see the problem for me.
your post brought it all back. endless evenings and nights (until early in the morning) that i would spend with kids, having to explain where daddy was and why was it important to spend time with his buddies when he could have been home with his kids. we also had a perfect life on the outside and i had refused to believe the hell it actually was on the inside. his moods. not being able to have even the minor arguments for fear of his reaction. having to make endless excuses to myself and everyone else about his behavior and choices, etc. etc. it's been over a year and yet it is still so fresh in my mind.
i guess i wanted you to know that i can relate. i have been there and i really appreciate your post. stay strong and take care of yourself and your kids.
my hugs and prayers are with you and your family. stay strong.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 4
thanks for your replies...
I know I am not alone but I need to hear it... When I first realized about his addiction to oxy I told everyone, our friends, our family... to make it real... to get support for me... but none of those people get it... they try and they sympathize but I don't want sympathy.
pacificsunrise... it means so much to hear from someone else who knows what it is like to have a otherwise good life with an addicted spouse... when I would sit on those lonely nights I would wonder about other people like me... I am so sorry for what you have gone through... I can only imagine how hard while pregnant and with a new baby... so hugs to you too!
the thing is that I know I don't want to leave him. He is a good Dad most of the time and when he's not its mostly just that he's not there... He is not physically abusive. And generally we get along and make each other happy... we have built a good life together in so many ways.
I feel like I need to face the reality that his addiction is active even if he's using infrequently. I need to protect myself from being hurt. And I need to deal with the hurt that has built up for so long because its making us bicker and argue constantly right now...
I know I am not alone but I need to hear it... When I first realized about his addiction to oxy I told everyone, our friends, our family... to make it real... to get support for me... but none of those people get it... they try and they sympathize but I don't want sympathy.
pacificsunrise... it means so much to hear from someone else who knows what it is like to have a otherwise good life with an addicted spouse... when I would sit on those lonely nights I would wonder about other people like me... I am so sorry for what you have gone through... I can only imagine how hard while pregnant and with a new baby... so hugs to you too!
the thing is that I know I don't want to leave him. He is a good Dad most of the time and when he's not its mostly just that he's not there... He is not physically abusive. And generally we get along and make each other happy... we have built a good life together in so many ways.
I feel like I need to face the reality that his addiction is active even if he's using infrequently. I need to protect myself from being hurt. And I need to deal with the hurt that has built up for so long because its making us bicker and argue constantly right now...
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