Dominica2

I am so stupid. SO SO STUPID!!!! I WAS on day 20. WAS. I relapsed. I drank a 6 pack. What the hell is wrong with me? I went through all that struggle for what? To prove how ignorant I am?? It's not like I got wasted, but I feel like all the hard work I put in was just wasted ********. I am so mad I want to cry. I am such a hypocrite. Sitting here, being happy to be sober and then, SNAP! I get this wild hair up my ass and I relapse. Pathetic. I don't know what else to say but I am sorry. AA taught me to be honest. So, I am to the best of my ability. Even though I feel like I want to dig a hole and die. A kick back to reality, as every time. Why the hell cant I just be normal like everyone else?? My AV apparently won this round. GOD I am so F*$*N# stupid. I am sorry everyone. I was really convinced I had beat this. UGH.


Dom

InsertNameHere

Dang it, sorry to hear Dominica. Just don't let this become an excuse to keep drinking, you know what happens if you do. Accept that you had the sixer, and just don't get or drink anymore. You don't have to pick it up, you don't have to buy it, and better yet you don't want to. Stick with it, and lets get past today as just a minor speed bump instead of a terrible train wreak that it could have been.

Dee74

I'm really sorry to read this, especially on the heels of the other thread - but it's an excellent example of the way I used to be too.

The thing I found was I needed to be vigilant all the time, at least for a while - I also had to learn to reach out when I was in trouble.

I know you have a lot of things going on in your life right now Dom, but please remember to make time for your recovery too - it really is so important.

I'm glad you're back so soon
D

Dominica2

I know and thanks INH. It just makes me want to explode because I am not mentally "capable" enough to stick with my program. I am so mad at myself.

Dominica2

Thanks, D. I will. I guess I just got wrapped up in my own self centered stress, that I blocked everything else out.

JimH

If it was easy, forums like this wouldn't exist.
Brush yourself off and get back on the horse.
Don't feel sorry for yourself.
You made it 20 days, Now go for more.

Dee74

I'm not an AAer but I'd be wary of seeing that kind of reasoning as an excuse.

I've met thousands of people here at SR - they all made various choices ultimately, but everyone of them was capable of getting sober

I like to keep things simple - if what you've been doing isn't enough to keep you sober? add more stuff

D

Dominica2

It really is the stress of having work, home, daughter, husband and my grandmother. I get wrapped up in the stress. The only stress relief is my drink. BUT I know this cannot continue any longer. A fail tonight. One of many. I can only hope the last, but yet I have said that one too many times.

JimH

Try getting mad at it. Convince yourself that you are allergic to alcohol and that part of the reaction is a craving. (who knows maybe it's true)
You wouldn't eat anything that you reacted bad with, so why drink something that you have a bad reaction with?

stepping

Dom - Shucks like Dee said on the heels of your recent posts.
It's OK....Dom jump back on. Don't drink anymore! Do not beat yourself up. I know EXACTLY how you feel. It's hard but you can do this!

SnowDaisy

You made it 20 days, and that says something about your will. I have yet to make it that far. Realize your own strength and remember how wonderful you felt about hitting 20 days.

Dominica2

Jim, I am so pissed at this addiction I want to scream! Trust me, If it were a living thing, I would choke it to death. (not like I am homicidal, lol) It just pisses me off that a liquid has so much power over me. Thanks.

Dominica2

@ snow & stepping,

I know, I am just having a hard time not beating myself up! I am completely discouraged and back at square one. Thats what hurts the most. Thanks y'all.

JimH

Might sound corny but this video helped me along some.
Watch it whenever you are having cravings.
Susan Boyle - Britains Got Talent 2009 Episode 1 - Saturday 11th April | HD High Quality - YouTube

Dee74

Drinkings actually a stress inducer, not a stress reliever - that's its big lie Dom

D

sugarbear1

You allowed your addictive voice to win. You entertained it. You haven't made a decision not to drink. You hadn't blocked the AV from winning. Why not read about your program again and use what you've read? AA doesn't have an AV. Being honest has to do with using the program of AA prior to drinking. How do you use AVRT and then use words from another program to justify not working any program? You either want to drink or you don't. That is your choice.

I wish you a non-alcoholic drinking life!
Peace,

InsertNameHere

Whoa whoa whoa, who ever said that? You are perfectly capable of sticking to your program, or plan, or whatever you decide to do. Your doing so for 20 days proves that unequivocably. So at some point you changed your mind, and decided it was okay to have some beers even though you had decided 20 days ago that you were never going to do that again. Why the change? What rationalizations did you use to justify you having those beers? If you can fingure the answer to that out you will have a clear view of at least one excuse that you used to pick up the bottle (or can) again and be able to identify it the next time it comes.

Dont slam yourself like that when it comes to this drinking problem, you are absoulutly 100% capable and you have to believe that. Confidence can be a huge booster or the absence of it can be extreamly detrimental to your continued sobriety. One great thing about confidence though is that you can fool yourself into having it, meaning that even if you don't really believe it tell your self you are capable, out loud if necessary. The more you say it the more you will belive it, trust me when it comes to confidence you really can mind wash yourself. If you say you can do somthing enough, you will eventually convince yourself. Keep saying it and one day looking back you will realize that not only do you believe it but you have already done it.

To stand on what worked for me thus far, is the fact that I took a few days thinking about if I wanted to drink anymore or not. playiing with the justifications for either option weighing them against each other. I came to the decision that I didn't want to drink anymore and was willing to "sacrafice" the so called positives to drinking, as I knew that eventually they would not be positives anymore. That is when I firmly make up mind to stop drinking. What are your intentions regarding drinking, if you can figure that out then you can make your decision, after that all you have to do is remind your self of why you made that decision. Like I said it is working for me but I can't speak for you or anyone else.

In closing Don't say that you aren't capable, you are. Say it, believe it, then know it, and you will be fine.

Wishing you well Dominica.

Edit: I had to add that I am very new to sobriety as Dom knows and may very well have no idea what I am talking about, it is what I belive at this stage though, so if for some reason you think my thinking is flawed feel free to say so.

Dominica2

SB, I have been doing AA. Apparently I am not working the program right. I tried to get a sponsor, but all the women are busy. I really am trying.

stairs

That must be very difficult. But don't give up, it's a bump in the road.
((Dom))

Dominica2

INH, I completely know what you mean. I have had a really bad week. My grandmother is getting sicker. She is my rock. I dont know what I am going to do without her. I know, ****** excuse. It's becoming a ****** excuse to me as well. I guess I always fall back on this crutch that I NEED this alcohol, because this is what I have always done. I am totally self defeated. Thanks INH.