Day 1, um, again -- and it's long
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 26
Day 1, um, again -- and it's long
Well, I'm 52 and hurtling toward bottom pretty fast. I went to the doctor four weeks ago and asked for help -- he's very open-minded thank God, and also nutritionally oriented, and not insistent on AA though we did discuss it. Gave me Librium and checked me for the first four days. Then I drank a LOT on Day 6 -- enough so I tripped and fell on the sidewalk, and kept going ever since.
This followed a period that I thought was menopause but now think might have been alcohol poisoning. After regular cycles my whole life, it just stopped three months ago -- and sweat, chill, shake, repeat starting at 2 am. After the second detox day, all that stopped and hasn't returned. Anyway, things could be worse, but I cannot continue this way.
I got DUI #1 (and final) in another state last month. Fortunately the officer was very nice, I didn't see the inside of a cell, my insurance co hasn't seemed to have noticed, and it's not costing me all that much in that state. In addition, my lawyer is very well-connected a very popular state senator is coming as a character witness for me (this is obviously my home state, where my family lives). It may get downgraded or expunged and I learned my lesson there. A good friend came and picked me up at 1 am. At home I don't drive much anyway, as I live in a walkable area. Also since it was out of state I don't think my license will be revoked or I will need the required ignition breathalyzer. Actually, that last one would probably not be a bad idea, as it would certainly enforce sobriety and...
My extremely vitriolic ex may try to seize the car any day now. With the required breathalyzer on there for a year, it would be useless to him. So here's the other part of hurtling toward bottom. He dragged me through a nine-month lawsuit last year over a frivolous issue that he made into "stalking" (believe me, it wasn't, I can't stand the guy -- and he's twice had a PI follow me around). I thought I had thoroughly hidden myself in another town but he somehow tracked me down -- pretty sure I was followed home from my mailbox store. He's very wealthy and a minor celebrity -- and the star-struck judge bowed to his legal manpower and awarded him $60K (he asked for four times that!). Now, a year later, he is dragging me back to court for a debtor's exam, where his attorney wants me to bring in tax returns, pay stubs, etc. Doesn't that sound like fun? I wake up with my stomach churning. In my state, if you don't show up, you can be arrested for contempt of court for not showing -- and they can jail you until the full amount of the judgment is paid. I've been advised to simply bring no documentation, but show up. I gave them the names of 20 employers from the last two years, so that's something.
Now here's the silver lining of this mess. I own no asset (bank loan on car) and have no savings. My credit is shot, probably due to drinking. So I am basically judgment-proof. Also, after a year, the judgment is actually not showing up on any of my credit reports, so this will likely never affect me. I make a meager living doing various things at various times, all as an independent contractor (have a great pension coming from a previous career when the time comes) and it would be impossible for him to predict, find or garnish wages. So after a very unpleasant day in court later this month where I'm trying to say as little as possible, he will be out more legal fees and I'll be no worse off. I do have enough money to live, and I just paid all my bills a year in advance so there's nothing for him to take. And basically am using the National Bank of Mattress, which is extremely inconvenient, not to mention a little unsafe.
The only other silver lining part of this is that while I was drinking so heavily lately (three bottles of wine daily, all day), and I am a writer, I discovered that I can actually write very funny stuff -- and have been taking myself way too seriously. I think they call that "awfulizing" in the substance abuse lingo. Fortunately, I'm pretty sure I can do that sober, too once I remove the stick from up my a**.
Anyway, you can see how this all might cause some increase in drowning of sorrows. That's my thing, happy hour. I've spent a fortune, wasted time, and not particularly met any good people in bars. In fact, I'm in an area where there's a large harbor, and I've discovered a lot of single people in these bars live on their boats because they lost everything else. Hmmm.
I am supposed to go back to the doctor for a full physical (my liver levels were astonishingly normal six months ago -- can't explain), but want at least two weeks of sobriety first. And to abstain permanently -- life can't go on like this, and so far I haven't succeeded alone.
Anyway, I woke up this morning with the decision to make it Day 1. It's 2 pm and I haven't been outside yet. My plan is to take good, slow care of myself (already took my vitamins and hydration drink), then come back here, then do something else nice for myself, take a light walk, more vitamins and another hydration, go to an AA meeting at 5 or 6:30, and come straight home for early bedtime. I don't particularly like AA for myself, but I think it would be a good idea to just get my a** to one today. I prefer SMART Recovery but there aren't any meetings til Tuesday. Tomorrow , I'm going to an early meeting I can walk to, then a free computer class later. Right now I've got some contract work I can do anywhere, so I'll probably go somewhere around people, like Starbucks, to do it. Must start being in a social environment.
A lot of my drinking has revolved around wanting to be around people. When I get home tonight, I'm going to sit down and make up a list of how to do that in places where there's no drinking. For example, I want to join the local runner's club. They have two runs a week, one morning one, and one evening one followed by -- you got it -- margaritas. Obviously I'll only be going to the morning one. There are lots of other recreational things around here I'd wanted to do but couldn't with a hangover, like free tennis lessons at my apartment complex. I also started volunteering a couple of hours a week with an environmental organization in the area, which is a step in the right direction -- met some good non-AL people and feel a little more worthwhile.
Anyway, right now I vaguely want to wander up to the strip of bars and have a glass of wine to medicate the hangover du jour. Such a bad habit of mine. But when I really think about it, I don't even really WANT it! It would just make me feel less sick. But I won't do it. I've just got to turn my life around before I end up in a cardboard box.
Once I've been sober for a couple of weeks, I'd really like to rejoin the normal workforce and get into a structured routine. Fortunately I'm in a position where I could even intern for free in a new profession. And then I can begin to address the financial mess all of this has made and perhaps develop a new circle of friends. For today, I'm gonna go easy on myself.
I did also talk to a psychologist who specializes in this. He identified my triggers as trying to take on too much all at once, and general stress. He suggested that when I start veering toward a liquor store or bar, I stop, identify why, and have a list of "other things to do" in my mobile phone.
Any suggestions, etc. for staying on track would really be appreciated.
This followed a period that I thought was menopause but now think might have been alcohol poisoning. After regular cycles my whole life, it just stopped three months ago -- and sweat, chill, shake, repeat starting at 2 am. After the second detox day, all that stopped and hasn't returned. Anyway, things could be worse, but I cannot continue this way.
I got DUI #1 (and final) in another state last month. Fortunately the officer was very nice, I didn't see the inside of a cell, my insurance co hasn't seemed to have noticed, and it's not costing me all that much in that state. In addition, my lawyer is very well-connected a very popular state senator is coming as a character witness for me (this is obviously my home state, where my family lives). It may get downgraded or expunged and I learned my lesson there. A good friend came and picked me up at 1 am. At home I don't drive much anyway, as I live in a walkable area. Also since it was out of state I don't think my license will be revoked or I will need the required ignition breathalyzer. Actually, that last one would probably not be a bad idea, as it would certainly enforce sobriety and...
My extremely vitriolic ex may try to seize the car any day now. With the required breathalyzer on there for a year, it would be useless to him. So here's the other part of hurtling toward bottom. He dragged me through a nine-month lawsuit last year over a frivolous issue that he made into "stalking" (believe me, it wasn't, I can't stand the guy -- and he's twice had a PI follow me around). I thought I had thoroughly hidden myself in another town but he somehow tracked me down -- pretty sure I was followed home from my mailbox store. He's very wealthy and a minor celebrity -- and the star-struck judge bowed to his legal manpower and awarded him $60K (he asked for four times that!). Now, a year later, he is dragging me back to court for a debtor's exam, where his attorney wants me to bring in tax returns, pay stubs, etc. Doesn't that sound like fun? I wake up with my stomach churning. In my state, if you don't show up, you can be arrested for contempt of court for not showing -- and they can jail you until the full amount of the judgment is paid. I've been advised to simply bring no documentation, but show up. I gave them the names of 20 employers from the last two years, so that's something.
Now here's the silver lining of this mess. I own no asset (bank loan on car) and have no savings. My credit is shot, probably due to drinking. So I am basically judgment-proof. Also, after a year, the judgment is actually not showing up on any of my credit reports, so this will likely never affect me. I make a meager living doing various things at various times, all as an independent contractor (have a great pension coming from a previous career when the time comes) and it would be impossible for him to predict, find or garnish wages. So after a very unpleasant day in court later this month where I'm trying to say as little as possible, he will be out more legal fees and I'll be no worse off. I do have enough money to live, and I just paid all my bills a year in advance so there's nothing for him to take. And basically am using the National Bank of Mattress, which is extremely inconvenient, not to mention a little unsafe.
The only other silver lining part of this is that while I was drinking so heavily lately (three bottles of wine daily, all day), and I am a writer, I discovered that I can actually write very funny stuff -- and have been taking myself way too seriously. I think they call that "awfulizing" in the substance abuse lingo. Fortunately, I'm pretty sure I can do that sober, too once I remove the stick from up my a**.
Anyway, you can see how this all might cause some increase in drowning of sorrows. That's my thing, happy hour. I've spent a fortune, wasted time, and not particularly met any good people in bars. In fact, I'm in an area where there's a large harbor, and I've discovered a lot of single people in these bars live on their boats because they lost everything else. Hmmm.
I am supposed to go back to the doctor for a full physical (my liver levels were astonishingly normal six months ago -- can't explain), but want at least two weeks of sobriety first. And to abstain permanently -- life can't go on like this, and so far I haven't succeeded alone.
Anyway, I woke up this morning with the decision to make it Day 1. It's 2 pm and I haven't been outside yet. My plan is to take good, slow care of myself (already took my vitamins and hydration drink), then come back here, then do something else nice for myself, take a light walk, more vitamins and another hydration, go to an AA meeting at 5 or 6:30, and come straight home for early bedtime. I don't particularly like AA for myself, but I think it would be a good idea to just get my a** to one today. I prefer SMART Recovery but there aren't any meetings til Tuesday. Tomorrow , I'm going to an early meeting I can walk to, then a free computer class later. Right now I've got some contract work I can do anywhere, so I'll probably go somewhere around people, like Starbucks, to do it. Must start being in a social environment.
A lot of my drinking has revolved around wanting to be around people. When I get home tonight, I'm going to sit down and make up a list of how to do that in places where there's no drinking. For example, I want to join the local runner's club. They have two runs a week, one morning one, and one evening one followed by -- you got it -- margaritas. Obviously I'll only be going to the morning one. There are lots of other recreational things around here I'd wanted to do but couldn't with a hangover, like free tennis lessons at my apartment complex. I also started volunteering a couple of hours a week with an environmental organization in the area, which is a step in the right direction -- met some good non-AL people and feel a little more worthwhile.
Anyway, right now I vaguely want to wander up to the strip of bars and have a glass of wine to medicate the hangover du jour. Such a bad habit of mine. But when I really think about it, I don't even really WANT it! It would just make me feel less sick. But I won't do it. I've just got to turn my life around before I end up in a cardboard box.
Once I've been sober for a couple of weeks, I'd really like to rejoin the normal workforce and get into a structured routine. Fortunately I'm in a position where I could even intern for free in a new profession. And then I can begin to address the financial mess all of this has made and perhaps develop a new circle of friends. For today, I'm gonna go easy on myself.
I did also talk to a psychologist who specializes in this. He identified my triggers as trying to take on too much all at once, and general stress. He suggested that when I start veering toward a liquor store or bar, I stop, identify why, and have a list of "other things to do" in my mobile phone.
Any suggestions, etc. for staying on track would really be appreciated.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 26
Hi Guys, took a long girlie shower (my hygiene and weight have gone over the cliff lately and my house is a mess), re-read my post and feel much better already. But I could use a cheering squad and any techniques that have worked for you. I'm going to look around the forum for some other people's success stories and how they did it.
Now I'll do my nails, make up my bed with fresh sheets and go on that easy walk. One foot in front of the other (which unfortunately I couldn't do the night of the DUI).
Now I'll do my nails, make up my bed with fresh sheets and go on that easy walk. One foot in front of the other (which unfortunately I couldn't do the night of the DUI).
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Yeah...You should get into some kind of recovery program...I use AA also as I couldn't quit on my own...I need the support and added benefits of working the 12 step program...Best of luck to you.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
It sounds like you have a good plan. For me, I had make sure that I was doing something in the very early evenings, which was a trigger for me. Walking was a godsend in so many ways. I think that being kind to yourself and taking care of yourself is always a good idea. When I stopped drinking, I recognized that I treated myself far, far worse than I would treat anyone else, even a complete stranger.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi Carliss
Welcome to SR.
Just reading here and posting helped me a lot in the beginning - I'd gotten to feel very alone - knowing there was other people around who knew what I was going through and who were prepared to help me really made a difference...I picked up a few ideas too that made sense to me
good to have you with us
D
Welcome to SR.
Just reading here and posting helped me a lot in the beginning - I'd gotten to feel very alone - knowing there was other people around who knew what I was going through and who were prepared to help me really made a difference...I picked up a few ideas too that made sense to me
good to have you with us
D
Still I rise.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
Carliss,
I'm rooting for you!
Things I have done to help stave off my appetite for inebriation:
eat...many times when i drank, i was hungry and wanted to drink my calories
sleep...melatonin really helps me. this weekend i slept so much (on day 13 and still feel my body is recovering)
read...ordered books from library dealing with alcoholism and different ways to manage it and about the disease itself
work out...i go on the treadmill for forty minutes every day (not fast...just enough to feel it a bit in my heart and lungs)
hot bath...this is where i find a lot of solace and relaxation...i just returned from the mall and got some great smelling bath bombs!
I hope this helps and I wish you all the best!
I'm rooting for you!
Things I have done to help stave off my appetite for inebriation:
eat...many times when i drank, i was hungry and wanted to drink my calories
sleep...melatonin really helps me. this weekend i slept so much (on day 13 and still feel my body is recovering)
read...ordered books from library dealing with alcoholism and different ways to manage it and about the disease itself
work out...i go on the treadmill for forty minutes every day (not fast...just enough to feel it a bit in my heart and lungs)
hot bath...this is where i find a lot of solace and relaxation...i just returned from the mall and got some great smelling bath bombs!
I hope this helps and I wish you all the best!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 26
@edeneen -- I probably wasn't clear (in fact lack of clarity is why I'm here!) There is already a judgment against me. The fun courthouse event I'm trying to describe is where the creditor attempts to evaluate your assets and income. Apparently it's rather informal, takes place in the hallway or anteroom without a judge's presence. Once a judgment is in place, as this one's been for a year, it's up to the creditor to collect. There's nothing for them to collect, but I must attend or face serious legal action that could involve jail time. It all feels quite invasive, not to mention having had this PI following me periodically -- for what reason, I'm not sure.
@new SR friends, thanks for your suggestions! I think I will hit the jacuzzi in the evening. Or as I'm hung over, maybe I'll just go the heck to sleep in my nice clean bed. If I don't leave my complex (and I'm feeling a little too weak to go out to the AA meeting tonight and had two nice phone calls just now -- personal contact) then I can't get into trouble.
@new SR friends, thanks for your suggestions! I think I will hit the jacuzzi in the evening. Or as I'm hung over, maybe I'll just go the heck to sleep in my nice clean bed. If I don't leave my complex (and I'm feeling a little too weak to go out to the AA meeting tonight and had two nice phone calls just now -- personal contact) then I can't get into trouble.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 1,387
Carliss,
Wow, it sounds like you have been through a lot. I have a vindictive ex that made my life extremely stressful for several years - I know how hard it can be.
Well, it sounds like you have a good plan. I don't have any advice right now, but just wanted to wish you the best. You deserve to be happy.
Wow, it sounds like you have been through a lot. I have a vindictive ex that made my life extremely stressful for several years - I know how hard it can be.
Well, it sounds like you have a good plan. I don't have any advice right now, but just wanted to wish you the best. You deserve to be happy.
Professional Drunk
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 465
Don't go for that glass of wine Carliss! From my own experience, I would 'pop' in to the pub across the street to get a pint so as to take the edge off from the night before. That pint always turned into 6 or 7 more and nothing good.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 26
@Jitterbug, you are so right. Fortunately the temptation has passed for the day. I'm also too tired to get dressed and walk up there and bloated to button my pants anyway lol. Also feeling nauseous enough I might barf it right back up.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
Carliss,
You're an awesome writer. I enjoyed reading your post, and it sounds like a story well written. I know it's your life and I don't mean to make fun, but you're super.
Looking forward to reading a great book from you.
Keep strong, get past the physical addiction then work on the mental part one day at a time. I have a feeling you're going to do just great. Give it time.
Best wishes
You're an awesome writer. I enjoyed reading your post, and it sounds like a story well written. I know it's your life and I don't mean to make fun, but you're super.
Looking forward to reading a great book from you.
Keep strong, get past the physical addiction then work on the mental part one day at a time. I have a feeling you're going to do just great. Give it time.
Best wishes
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 26
@Kiki, thank you! It does help to see the humor in whatever you can. My first book was a memoir, but a sad serious one -- albeit with some funny parts. It was going to be made into a cable series, but the network just dropped it. However, the good news there is that a large check is not zooming into by ex's pocket by way of me. Of course it's not zooming into mine either.
I've got way enough now for a second memoir, and a funny one. I think that might be one of the most therapeutic things I can do -- and I think I'm going to have a lot of extra time all of a sudden.
But wow, even tasks like showering have seemed arduous today. It's like, I put a couple of plates in the dishwasher and then have to rest for a minute! Just brushed my teeth and had to briefly nap. Never did get around to combing my hair. Whoa!
I really want to go into my physical exam next week and have normal bloodwork. It's a great incentive and I just love this new doctor. He could see I was being honest about the amount I was drinking as I don't think someone my size could conceivably consume any more than that in a day -- and that makes him enthusiastic about helping me get on track. I might talk to him about coming in weekly to get my vitals checked -- and keep me on track. My insurance is making this affordable.
I've got way enough now for a second memoir, and a funny one. I think that might be one of the most therapeutic things I can do -- and I think I'm going to have a lot of extra time all of a sudden.
But wow, even tasks like showering have seemed arduous today. It's like, I put a couple of plates in the dishwasher and then have to rest for a minute! Just brushed my teeth and had to briefly nap. Never did get around to combing my hair. Whoa!
I really want to go into my physical exam next week and have normal bloodwork. It's a great incentive and I just love this new doctor. He could see I was being honest about the amount I was drinking as I don't think someone my size could conceivably consume any more than that in a day -- and that makes him enthusiastic about helping me get on track. I might talk to him about coming in weekly to get my vitals checked -- and keep me on track. My insurance is making this affordable.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 26
It can be bedtime in an hour -- I made it. Going down to the jacuzzi, as I won't pass any vino on the way and don't have to wear real clothes either. Swimsuit and bathrobe. Can't face getting dressed at the moment. The thought of consuming wine right now is stomach-churning, which is helping. Also this "drunk shrink" I talk to say hot water is very soothing at this point. Thanks for helping me through this difficult Day 1, guys. A lot of my benders are about self-medicating the hangover. I'll feel better in the morning.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 26
DID IT! It's bedtime and I'm AL-free. Going to slam down some valerian root for help sleeping and get in my nice clean bed. Had a lovely time in the complex's jacuzzi under the palms with the fake fire going.
Thanks everyone! I can do this!
Thanks everyone! I can do this!
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome Carliss!
Congrats on day 1 (the most important day)! Wine did me in, too. I don't know what I would have done without this place during those first days.
Glad you're pacing yourself.... don't listen to the old tapes when they start playing - come here and read, read, read! Hope you feel better soon...
Congrats on day 1 (the most important day)! Wine did me in, too. I don't know what I would have done without this place during those first days.
Glad you're pacing yourself.... don't listen to the old tapes when they start playing - come here and read, read, read! Hope you feel better soon...
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