Mo S

I have several diagnosis and am on all the right meds. Well, the paranioa and "beating myself up" thinking has returned over two little situations that a "normal" person (seriously) wouldnt give a second thought. I obsess....I mentally beat myself up. I am also paranoid. I have irrational feelings of dread NOT based in reality. Dread is the worst. Irrational gutt wrenching fears that-even if they did come true- would not be anything close to the end of the world. I know this is situational and not pharmacudical.

My life is comfortable...I am generally happy. I just get SO frustrated when the unhealthy thinking patterns return. All it takes is one or, in this case, two tiny little situations to trigger it. I get angry that I have to sort out what is my alcohol -ISM from my mental illness which seems impossible to do as they are so intertwined. I know the solutions can sometimes be the same.

I have prayed for the release of the bondage of self. I am trying to say focused in the moment. I am trying to use all the tools I was given. I am a bit socially isolated- not alot of real life support. So, I have whipped off an email to an online friend and here I am. Feeling unique. Feeling dread. Feeling BAD. I know I partly "learned" how to feel like a bad person. I left home and took the thinking with me. I have spent YEARS dealing with this s**t. When it comes back; I feel like Ive made no progress at all.

My stomach is churning. Thanks for taking the time to read and any comments welcome.

Threshold

wow Mo, I read your posts and wonder if it's me posting under an alternate name because those same feelings, etc are true for me too.

Getting clean/sober can be an event, but recovery is a process.I need to not use, but beyond that I need to build a life I can live in.

I'm rambling.

I am feeling overwhelmed right now. Yes, my outer situation is stressful, but what terrifies me is my inner landscape. I am addressing the outside situation, one hour at a time, doing what I need to do. Inside? I don't know how to address it.

I see to be able to force myself to NOT use, and to do what I must. But the thoughts and feelings don't seem to respond to the same self discipline techniques.

People keep telling me to take care of myself. I don't even know what that means any more. Am I what I do? Am I what I feel? Am I what I think?

CanfixONLYme

Hi Mo S - you are absolutely not alone here...

It's a horrible feeling when the seemingly most insignificant things plays obsessive circles in our brains. It's exhausting and very self defeating feeling this way.

However all is not lost my friend. I have suffered from too much thinking, feeling paranoid and obsessively worrying my whole life. I've been on Paxil for the past 10 years as it calms my self made anxiety significantly. I still have very bad moments almost on a daily basis allowing "trivial" encounters and "what ifs" to ruminate around in my mind.

I believe for myself, even though it doesn't help, I do these things unconsciously to keep myself alert and poised for when something really bad happens - ie: my ah commits suicide, my cat dies, etc. these "stinking thinking" thoughts don't stop the barrage of the bigger what ifs but rather are the catalysts in making them the forefront of my stress and worry.

Now - what to do about it? For me - Rmembering to eat well and getting lots of water intake and rest is half the battle. Following this with getting outside even if it's for 10 min stretches helps tremendously. these seem so "obvious" but when we are in the throes of our woes, these tend to go by the wayside.

Once I've taken care of the physical fuel of my body, I am more able to dismiss the " little" things from my brain (encounters with strangers, chats with friends that didn't go so well, the things I coulda, shoulda done that day)... It's hard but it serves me nothing to keep it entertained.

We are ALL human which means we all flawed!! None of us are perfect. We all feck up. We all say dumb things and repeat actions that negatively affect our lives. To really acknowledge this is to really release ourselves from being perfect (which we will never be).

This may sound hokey but what really helps me is forcing myself to listen to music (I keep it quiet around me too much). I put on my iPhone and just start going thru songs. If my place is messy, it's a great time to tackle at least one thing while listening to my tunes. I don't try to overdo it and when I want to stop, I do.

Don't under estimate the power of these either: deep breathing exercises, the love of a pet (I have 2 wonderful purr factories!) and sitting in the sun for some good vitamin d. It really does help!

I hope your day today is bright and hopeful and that you start to feel better soon.

Big hugs!

Ps - I still struggle to do these "correctly" and with ease but one day my goal is to do them by second nature - without thinking and obsessing. it's all a process my friend whether you are a normie, addict or codie!

Mo S

Thanks guys. It really helps to get validation and feedback when I have no one in "real life" to talk to at the "moment of impact". I went outside and did some much needed gardening in the yard- getting everthing ready for spring. I might go to the gardent store today and get some new flowers to plant. I keep trying to plant roses in FL (originally from upstate NY) and they just wont take here lol.. I have alot of empty spots in the garden. It cleared my head some yet I had to run back to the computer looking for feedback from you guys. Thanks alot. Also was helpful to remember: I will never be perfect.

NYCDoglvr

Here's a great Woody Allen quote: "Early in life I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety"
I certainly relate to what you're saying. My first ten years of sobriety were like that. It's helpful that you realize the thinking is disease and don't go along with it. I learned to "change the channel" when that stuff popped up, switch my thinking to something else or use a diversion. Call someone and talk, get to a meeting, watch a scary movie. I'd say out loud "thank you for sharing, mother, but get the f*ck out of here". It gave me a sense I'm in charge, not the tapes.

It takes a bit of practice, but if you understand that the brain is basically a poorly functioning computer. Garbage in, garbage out. It's about changing the tape, at least that worked for me.

Good luck!

reader

I to really understand how u are feeling. My threshold for dealing with stress is very small. I have some major stress going on right now but it is almost enough to drive me over the edge. I take my meds. and try to limit my stress which always makes me act like a turtle pulling my head in. When I can't deal with life I rarely leave the house. I have tried not to take on the guilty of other family members for their wrong doings but I always feel like they are a reflection on me. I hope u can get through these feelings. I am gonna go work on mine. Positive thinking is hard sometimes.

ainsley1

I can relate to what you all are saying.

Threshold

Mo,

There are roses for ALL climates. I love them! Do a little searching to see if there is a garden club or rose club or society in your new area, they can give you a heads up as to which varieties thrive in your area and cultivating hints for growing roses in FL conditions.

Oh wow, another thing we two have in common!

Hollyanne

I only recently was able to take a nap!
I would be all "bothered", and try to go to bed for a break and would end up getting up with the sheer horrors going bonkers in my head.
I started going off in my car at those times and visiting people who would not notice the madness and appreciate the visits. By the time I would come back, my brain calmed down and I would sleep all night.
The "thinking of others" thing works for me.
Even if I have resentments toward the people I visit (parents), it still works?!
Apparently, this was huge for Bill W of AA fame.
After all his work on AA and the 12 steps and all, he was still afflicted with what you describe. He had to go outside the steps and concentrate on others in order to lessen his (obsessive) thinking about himself. Sorry, longwinded. You really got in my head with your post and I liked the replies you got from others.
Hang in there, I took 2 naps last week! Yeh! It is getting better.
Anne

Threshold

Wow Hollyanne,

I do all those things too! I thought I was the only person so "stupid" inside to have to feel and act like that. I think "ah, sleep...rest" only to have horrific and disturbing dreams...and then I find myself going out of my way to be there for others, help others, spend time with others etc...just to get by. I mean I do care for them and want to be there for them, but I do it to keep me safe from myself as well.

Sometimes I sigh and thing "whatever it takes to get me through the night"...as long as it's not one of the things on my "don't you dare" list. Because they cause more trouble than they are worth.