Girlfriend Looking for some advice (edited)
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Anderson, In
Posts: 5
Girlfriend Looking for some advice (edited)
Hello everyone,
I'm new to this forum, and relatively new to being in a relationship with a recovering addict. I've known my boyfriend for about 2 years, 1.5 years of that was spent being friends and getting to know each other. During this time I found out that he was an addict. In the past he used cocaine for 2 years and was addicted to prescription pills (mostly pain pills) and weed. He claimed that he wanted to be clean and make his life better, but in my heart of hearts i new that he didn't have what I refer to as a "clean heart," meaning that his brain may have told him that he should be clean, but his heart just wasn't in it, which ultimately sabotaged him several times and lead him to several relapses. After six months of him being completely clean and sober our friendship blossomed into a relationship.. that was nearly 6 months ago...
What has brought my fears/concerns to an all time high, and ultimately here seeking advice is that about a month ago his bladder disorder, which is extremely painful has flared up and is causing him large amounts of pain. The likely hood that they're going to do surgery is great, which will ultimately put pain pills (his last drug of choice) back into his possession. I've expressed my concerns to him, and he assures me that he's going to do everything in his power to only use them when he must.. but for some reason his reassurance isn't helping me much.
I know that at the end of the day this is about HIM and HIS sobriety but as his significant other, and one of the only supports that he has right now (his family has little involvement with him and his recovery due to past experiences) I find myself wondering how to further support him and at the same time find a way for me to cope with my insecurities, fears and concerns.
I guess, I wanted to see if anyone has had similar experiences and had any thoughts or advice of what to do or how to cope.
I'm new to this forum, and relatively new to being in a relationship with a recovering addict. I've known my boyfriend for about 2 years, 1.5 years of that was spent being friends and getting to know each other. During this time I found out that he was an addict. In the past he used cocaine for 2 years and was addicted to prescription pills (mostly pain pills) and weed. He claimed that he wanted to be clean and make his life better, but in my heart of hearts i new that he didn't have what I refer to as a "clean heart," meaning that his brain may have told him that he should be clean, but his heart just wasn't in it, which ultimately sabotaged him several times and lead him to several relapses. After six months of him being completely clean and sober our friendship blossomed into a relationship.. that was nearly 6 months ago...
What has brought my fears/concerns to an all time high, and ultimately here seeking advice is that about a month ago his bladder disorder, which is extremely painful has flared up and is causing him large amounts of pain. The likely hood that they're going to do surgery is great, which will ultimately put pain pills (his last drug of choice) back into his possession. I've expressed my concerns to him, and he assures me that he's going to do everything in his power to only use them when he must.. but for some reason his reassurance isn't helping me much.
I know that at the end of the day this is about HIM and HIS sobriety but as his significant other, and one of the only supports that he has right now (his family has little involvement with him and his recovery due to past experiences) I find myself wondering how to further support him and at the same time find a way for me to cope with my insecurities, fears and concerns.
I guess, I wanted to see if anyone has had similar experiences and had any thoughts or advice of what to do or how to cope.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Take it one day at a time and try not to awfulize. Hopefully he will be totally up front with his physician about his addiction. There may be some alternative medications that can be used that won't be considered if the physician isn't aware of the addiction issues.
Hopefully some others will be along shortly who may have more experience in this area.
gentle hugs
ke
Hopefully some others will be along shortly who may have more experience in this area.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
His sobriety will be challenged by any narcotic drug which enters his system. The drug awakens the addiction and the cravings. His thinking can change. His motivation can change. He will be at serious risk of relapse.
If he is in a recovery program, he will do best by reaching out to his fellow recovering addicts for help immediately before and after surgery and by keeping in very close contact with them throughout the several months after.
You are, in spite of your concern and love, unable to assist him in staying clean and sober following his surgery. You will be at risk in your own way, as your codependency may intensify and you may try to cure or control any manifestation of his addiction.
We are here for you, if you need feedback as things unfold.
If he is in a recovery program, he will do best by reaching out to his fellow recovering addicts for help immediately before and after surgery and by keeping in very close contact with them throughout the several months after.
You are, in spite of your concern and love, unable to assist him in staying clean and sober following his surgery. You will be at risk in your own way, as your codependency may intensify and you may try to cure or control any manifestation of his addiction.
We are here for you, if you need feedback as things unfold.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Up and onwards... :)
Posts: 274
Hi megforkeeps - welcome! Read lots of great "stickies" above to get you started and other members posts. You are not alone.
I know we can't give out medical advice here but I'm wondering if it would be possible to go with your boyfriend to tell the doctors of his addiction issues and see of there are other types of meds could be used instead of his drug of choice?
It's like an alcoholic saying they will only have drinks when they need them. Never works that way...
Hugs to you and again, welcome!
I know we can't give out medical advice here but I'm wondering if it would be possible to go with your boyfriend to tell the doctors of his addiction issues and see of there are other types of meds could be used instead of his drug of choice?
It's like an alcoholic saying they will only have drinks when they need them. Never works that way...
Hugs to you and again, welcome!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi meg - welcome to SR
There's some great advice here already - I merged the responses from your two threads into one - it's less confusing that way
(sorry for the slight delay - the site was was not cooperating)
D
There's some great advice here already - I merged the responses from your two threads into one - it's less confusing that way
(sorry for the slight delay - the site was was not cooperating)
D
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
The only way I'm able to cope with stuff like this (my original qualifier is my recovering daughter), is to prepare for the worst, hope for the best. I've been there before, I know what to expect. I have to accept (all over again!) that it's all beyond my control, then I have to get really busy protecting and distracting myself.
Meetings and a therapist have helped me greatly, along with this forum. There's a step 12 step forum below this one, if you're interested
Meetings and a therapist have helped me greatly, along with this forum. There's a step 12 step forum below this one, if you're interested
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Anderson, In
Posts: 5
Everyone,
Thank you for your great words of kindness and advice! my RABF has informed his specialist and Dr bout his addiction, and she has been very helpful and has given him non-narcotic options for pain, but of course they don't work nearly as well as those that are narcotic.
Cynical one--thank you for the advice not to hold his meds for him, we've discussed that option and i was really uneasy about having that responsibility.
Thank you for your great words of kindness and advice! my RABF has informed his specialist and Dr bout his addiction, and she has been very helpful and has given him non-narcotic options for pain, but of course they don't work nearly as well as those that are narcotic.
Cynical one--thank you for the advice not to hold his meds for him, we've discussed that option and i was really uneasy about having that responsibility.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 775
My wife used to hold my pills and it doesnt work! I just told her about this thread and her exact words were "tell her NO" she used to hold my pills in her bra and would wake up with me trying to sneak some.It caused lots of fights.
He sounds like he is on the right track is he in a program AA NA if not might be something to consider.You might want to try Alanon also Good luck to both of you
He sounds like he is on the right track is he in a program AA NA if not might be something to consider.You might want to try Alanon also Good luck to both of you
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
by English Garden: His sobriety will be challenged by any narcotic drug which enters his system. The drug awakens the addiction and the cravings. His thinking can change. His motivation can change. He will be at serious risk of relapse.
If I didn't have medication to help me sleep, I would end up in mental asylum. Going for days without sleep is like being on a worse drug ever.
Somehow, maybe he can find a middle ground.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Anderson, In
Posts: 5
tbeit--He is attending meetings about twice a week, since the dr has put him on "bed rest" or as he likes it stay in bed as long as i can stand it hahah. But he goes and talks to them about things, I'm not quite sure what alanon is and who it's for. I've offered to take & pick him up, or even go to his meetings with him to support him, but he says doesn't feel comfortable with me hearing "that stuff" as he likes to call it. As far as his medicine, i told him that living 45 minutes away wouldn't really do much use if he actually had to have it, and also that i didnt want to be the one who had to tell him "no" he couldn't have any. He obliged and somewhat agreed that it wasn't worth putting our relationship at risk.
kiki5711--he has some meds that help him sleep, THANK GOODNESS! The Dr. has called in a shot to relieve his pain for today and has made him an appointment for Monday. I'm really hoping that she puts him out of his misery and schedules him for surgery sometime this upcoming week so we can get him back on the road to healthy and recovered.
once again THANK YOU to everyone for all of their kind words of encouragement, advice and sharing their own experiences. I must say that he's completely supportive of me coming here, asking questions/seeking advice & is willing to talk about things any time i have questions or concerned which to me seems rather promising, I'm just hoping we can get out of the woods soon (:
kiki5711--he has some meds that help him sleep, THANK GOODNESS! The Dr. has called in a shot to relieve his pain for today and has made him an appointment for Monday. I'm really hoping that she puts him out of his misery and schedules him for surgery sometime this upcoming week so we can get him back on the road to healthy and recovered.
once again THANK YOU to everyone for all of their kind words of encouragement, advice and sharing their own experiences. I must say that he's completely supportive of me coming here, asking questions/seeking advice & is willing to talk about things any time i have questions or concerned which to me seems rather promising, I'm just hoping we can get out of the woods soon (:
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
Meg. Alanon, CODA or Nar Anon would be meetings to give you support ..... not for him. Give you a chance to talk about "your stuff" in a safe environment. Think of them as face 2 face kind of support that is similar to what you are getting here. It would be a way for you to work steps to help in your recovery.....great fellowship....you might even find a Sponsor who would help you work through what you need to to find balance.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Anderson, In
Posts: 5
hello everyone,
sorry its been a few days since i've been able to get back to you guys!
Thank you to cangel2 for the information about alanon, i've been talking to a friend, who also has a RBF about going to a meeting here in Muncie.
sorry its been a few days since i've been able to get back to you guys!
Thank you to cangel2 for the information about alanon, i've been talking to a friend, who also has a RBF about going to a meeting here in Muncie.
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