Krys

I am reading a book on codependency and I think it is having the opposite effect it is supposed to have. I know I am not perfect, but I kind of feel like the book is telling me to take on responsibility for my bf's lack of motivation/progress. Like if I just stopped judging him or trying to "help" he might have done it already. I thought I was enabling by sticking around, but now I sort of feel like I am some kind of shrew who ruined his life. Anyone else ever feel that way?

Impurrfect

(((Krys))) - I read a lot of self-help books back when I was with my XABF#1 (I had 3, slow learner). What helped me was reading here, along with "Codependent No More" and I realized the most important person, the ONLY one I could control? Was me.

I became an addict to deal with my dysfunctional relationship with an A...went on to find two MORE XABF's and I finally realized. I was done. I couldn't help someone who didn't want to help himself, the only person I could help was me.

I can tell you this...if it weren't for my loved ones allowing me to face the consequences of my addiction? I'd probably not be here. I'd be dead or locked up for a lot of years. They allowed me to dig a really deep hole, figure my own way OUT of that hole, and though they do support my recovery, should I slip? Out the door. That's what *I* needed to find recovery, for both addiction and codependency.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

dollydo

What book are u reading?

Krys

Thank you Amy. I have a question. Is it unreasonable to ask someone to get help and tell them that if they don't you will have to leave them? Is it better to just leave? Does asking them to get help with the intent to leave if they don't fall under controlling?

Krys

Dollydo it is Codependent No More. I am having a little bit of trouble deciphering between what I should and should not take resposibility for.

Impurrfect

(((Krys))) - I really can't answer that. I've never been the one that had someone make that request of me, and when it came down to my last XABF, I already knew...he could have 5 years in recovery, and I was not going to trust him. Just too much water under the bridge.

I think it depends on your expectations (and I've learned that expectations are a witch with a B). If you have any expectations of them getting clean because you made the request, then you're doing it for the wrong reason. If you can wish them the best, let go of the outcome? Then, maybe.

On the other side, had I ever tried to get clean for someone else? It wouldn't have lasted. I needed to get clean for me, and me only. That doesn't mean that the consequences of my addiction didn't count. They did, but it was only when I reached the point of TOO MUCH, was I ready to begin recovery.

Clear as mud? Sorry

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

NYCDoglvr

Regarding codependency and responsibility, what I learned is that I was responsible for putting myself in the company of an abusive alcoholic. As Louise said to Thelma: "Thelma, you get what you settle for ........."

Cyranoak

...even remotely, what it is saying. In fact it's saying the opposite-- you are responsible for you. He is responsible for him. You did not ruin his life. He ruined his life. It's not your job to judge him, but it's also not your job to do things for him he could do himself if he weren't drunk, and it's not your job to clean up after him or protect him after he does something stupid.

That's it. It's simple.

Cyranoak

Krys

The whole thing is like walking a fine line. The way I put it was like this: "I understand you don't think you have a problem, and maybe I am wrong and you don't, but it is a problem for me. This is what I need in order to feel comfortable in this relationship and to be able to move forward with you. If you can't I understand, but I will need to go in order to feel safe and stable." It will be hard, but I know I have to do it. I am not making the request in order to get him to see the error of his ways, it's literally what I need to be able to move forward. He didn't get help the first time around and I never felt comfortable...I got stuck in the moment I found out he was using. It affected our relationship in a lot of ways, and maybe I need to take responsibility for that. We were never the same, I didn't trust him and could not have the same emotional connection we had before.

LifeRecovery

I continue to struggle feeling judgemental if I have a strong emotion about anyone in my life.

I am learning to ask myself "What do I need to do to take care of myself right now." That is not judgemental of the other it helps me to keep the focus on me. It has not been perfect, but it has helped.

Krys

Thank you everyone. Boy learning how not to be up someone elses ass sure is confusing. lol. Speaking of not being up someones butt, my bf has not even contacted me since I left (save for one text/Facebook msg) it is really tough to not let my head spin in circles wondering why. In the end it won't matter, if he can't get help I can't stay. Now if only my crazy brain would shut the heck up and let me relax!! lol

Impurrfect

(((Krys))) - I totally know the crazy brain stuff, but it helped me to read, a LOT here, and see what others had been through, see the similarities, and ever_so_slowly work on "what do I want?" My FIRST reaction was HIM! It took time, but I found out I have a life, whether or not "he" wants to be part of it. He didn't, life goes on

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

fourmaggie

KEEP READING...there is a study group here too about co dependency....

read as much as you can, and keep a journal on what you get and even some questions you have....

i found by reading and out lining it out for me was easier....have you read the dailys from Melody Beattie language of letting go....it awesome! i read it faithfully every single day...and journal my thoughts...

have you been reading the stickies?and al anon? are you going to meetings?

SELF CARE is awesome...

Krys

Fourmaggie no I am not going to meetings. I would love to but with school, work and my own therapy I have no time. :-( I wound up going out to dinner with his bros gf tonight. She lives at his parents house and as she was getting ready to leave to meet me she noticed his car in the driveway (blocking hers). SHe asked him to move it and apparently he said no and asked her about her plans for the night. He was being sarcastic but for a split second...and I know this is sick...I thought maybe he really did care. She denied meeting up with me but later posted she was on her Facebook page. Not something I approve of but I can't control what she does and by the time she told me it had already been up for a while. In any case he obviously does not care or he would have called. He is at his parents house which makes me nervous because they are HUGE enablers. They blow smoke up his ass all day long and tell him exactly what he wants to hear. No wonder he never got help...he's got his family to remind him of how great he is daily! The family dynamic is so sickening, they really need to read this book when I am done with it. lol

chrisea

"Sometimes you have to forget what you want to remember what you deserve."

fourmaggie

sorry so late...

if you want CHANGE you need to make CHANGEs...another words...LET IT BEGIN WITH ME...tough for everyone and you will get flack from family and friends...but you are only responsible for you..

ooh ya and by the way...you dont have to do anything YOU dont want to..that is called SELF CARE...so NO is a complete sentence....

keep reading and practising...