cricket123

A question for anyone who has gone through counseling. I have been going to counseling with my AH for about a month now. My question is it seems like the last 2 sessions has been focused on my "bad" behavior and how I need to do something different. I am thinking I am starting to have a problem with this. I know I am an imperfect person but I am confused as to why all the focus is on me when it was him that caused a lot of our problems. I feel like I am about done with this but I will continue for a while more and see how it pans out. Does anyone have any input on this?

Linkmeister

My ex and I went for joint counseling-same scenario. After about the third session, I walked out as he refused to acknowledge that his issues i.e. his drinking, contributed to our problems. I started to go to sessions on my own and that's when I started to make real progress. He on the other hand, stopped any sessions, saying they didn't help him at all. Me-I got stronger, kept up with the sessions, kept up with Al-Anon and today, he is my EXABF.

vinyl

So the first two were about his issues and the second two have been about yours, and now you want to bail because it should all be about his issues? I'm not suggesting he's not a huge part of the problem, but a relationship is still a two way street despite who's drinking what. Just sayin.

cricket123

My RAH does acknowledge he has a problem he just will not admitted to how bad his behavior was while drinking. The thing is, I bring up something and he keeps interrupting to make sure his point is heard and that I am the unreasonable one. He is very good at applying logic to things and making it work for him. For me to get my point across it takes a long time and I think it wears me out so I just go along with it for the sake of getting some piece. Last week I had to stop a conversation to say I am not bi polar and there is nothing wrong with me because he keeps saying something to that effect. So right now I am not happy with the way things are going I still feel stuck in the same place I was when we started, with very little progress being made on my end. I guess I am tired of being wrong all the time.

Vinly very good point. I am not bailing yet just wish to see some progress on my end. I am hoping this is a normal progression of counseling and things will get better.

Katiekate

You might suggest that you each go for some individual sessions so the counselor can get to know you both individually.

posiesperson

There is a narcissistic component to alcoholism and it's tough to get "air-time" when an alcoholic is in the spotlight and likes it there. In fact, it's tough to get anything when an alcoholic likes it where they are. So I guess the good news is that if you really internalize that fact you will then have all kinds of options about how you want to respond to him whether or not you're in a counseling session.

That being said, it takes a very skilled, well-trained counselor to manage the dynamics. My guess is that he/she is aware that there is a lot going on here, and hopefully the counselor is skilled and trained enough to handle it.

In the meantime I second the opinion that you go to individual counseling so that you can focus on yourself and not get repeatedly distracted by your AH's tactics in the session. That way you might feel less defensive and really be able to focus on what your part of the dynamics provides. I'd just add to that: make sure that your counselor is trained in addiction issues.

posie

LifeRecovery

I did not do a lot of couples counseling.

We met twice with the counselor together and then each met with her individually, then we came back together. She encouraged each of us to have individual counseling (not with her) also. This gave the time in session with her to be focused on the relationship.

This worked for me, and gave me a place to safely vent when the sessions became all about him, or made me mad etc. Actually the situation really helped me to start to separate out what was mine, his and ours, and continues to until this day.

I was also fortunate to have two great counselors and I know that makes a difference. I went to the couples one for some time after we split up, and continue to go to my individual one.

dvd5904

My AGF & I are in the same place. I ended the relationship a week ago and have second guessed myself ever since. We have begun to talk again, but things sound very dire. What I see in retrospect is that although I feel her perspective on issues that we conflict on are very unreasonable and inconsistent; her emotions about those issues are very genuine and real. An example would be that she seems to take very small, or at times nonexistent, things and amplify them into a world shattering fight as if her true objective is just to fight. I see it happening and try to calm the storm but rarely secede and ultimately become distraught leaving me unable to do anything but hold on for the ride.

I identify with what both of you are saying about “air time.” These fine details of a relationship are what I find difficult to discern weather these are directly related to the alcoholism or if they are innate unhealthy behavior (coping) mechanisms that our partner has. I find myself often being unable to get a word in edge wise when I try to talk to my AGF. She talks over me and doesn’t allow the common courtesy of listening in return. She has even gone as far as telling me bluntly that she doesn’t care what I have to say.

On the surface, at the moment, it really hurts and is quite frustrating, but once I have a cool down period and consider what has happened I THINK I understand the dynamics of what is going on. It seems to me that my AGF (and probably many of our partners) are so wrought with guilt and shame that they instantly attack anything that forces them to look at what they’re doing, even if it is indirectly. I can say, with no exaggeration, that my AGF avoids at all costs addressing HER issues and tries to always deflect by pointing out mine (which I healthily acknowledge and accept), takes absolutely NO responsibility for contributing to any of our problems (denial?), and becomes irately aggressive which I think is venting her frustration with herself and the complexity of the relationship destructively at me.

Hang in there posie. Dig into this at the rate that you think you can and that you decide you want to. Looking at yourself is healthy for you regardless of the situation. You will always have YOU and you will gain a peace from what you learn. Good luck.

m1k3

If your husband is still an active alcoholic then couples counseling is useless. His only purpose in life is to protect his addiction.

Please continue to go alone and for yourself. Living with an A is traumatic event especially when they are spending large amounts of time convincing you that there is no problem or if there is one it obviously is yours because there is no way a person as wonderful as them could be the source of the problem.

Your friend,

Thumper

Is this counselor familiar with addictions? I think it is very important to have a counselor that specializes in addictions and those family dynamics.

I'll second Mike - if the A is not in a program of recovery - an addiction specialist will probably not even agree to do marriage counseling. Ours would not.

I did a very brief stint of couples counseling. It was based on us being able to separate and co-parent successfully. That was my base but I'm quite sure my xah wanted it to save the marriage. The counselor we saw was initially his so he saw her for a few individual sessions first. She was an addictions specialist. She had us each fill out a very very long form that she uses for traditional marriage counseling. Then she met with us.

That woman was worth her weight in gold. She really got it. Our counselor was big on communication (and my xah and I were both terrible at it) so she would have had lots of focus on that. Ultimately she refused to do any more sessions after the first 3 (or it might have been four?) if my xah did not pursue an active recovery program - any program. Which he didn't do and then she said she could see only one of us individually with my xah getting first choice since he saw her first. He declined, I accepted, and she really helped me a lot.

Long share to say if your counselor is not an addiction specialist and/or you just aren't feeling like it is productive, then it might not be a good match. Perhaps switch counselors before tanking the counseling all together.

I also think it is a very good thing to bring up within the counseling session itself. See what the counselor says. "I'm feeling like I'm getting run over and that I am not heard."

fourmaggie

counselor has not picked up on his alcoholism?...you can ask for another one...or go alone or AL ANON....

cricket123

Thanks all, you have given me a lot to think about.

Cricket

Cyranoak

Many alcoholics are master manipulators. Yours is for sure, and counselors are easy to manipulate. I watched my wife do it many times and the counselor never even knew it.

Ultimately, what your husband is doing is a sophisticated form of gaslighting made all the more powerful because it appears to be backed up by "a professional."

It's all ********. You know that now.

Take care,

Cyranoak

posiesperson

I just want to add to Cyranoak's comment: Although I agree that counselors can be manipulated by an alcoholic, a counselor who is well-trained in addictions will not be easily manipulated. However, most alcoholics/addicts don't want to go to a counselor who is trained in that area, for obvious reasons. They don't generally continue in therapy with a well-trained counselor who will confront their BS, unless they are actually ready to be sober and work a real program. That, however, will provide with you gobs of realistic information about your situation...if he won't work with a good substance-abuse trained counselor then he sure-as-heck isn't going to work on having a healthier relationship with you.

posie

nodaybut2day

You can change counsellors if you find that yours is being bamboozled by your AH's b.s. I consulted a marriage counsellor while still with my XAH; he worked for the EAP service provided by my employer. Honestly, I have never been to such a BAD counsellor. We had 5 sessions with him and I felt like he was trying to solve our marital problems in those 5 sessions, by pushing whatever issues we had under the rug. We had 1 session together and then 1 individual session each. During my individual session, I told the counsellor what was going on exactly, and he actually told me he didn't know why I was still married to XAH. Once we went back for our couples' session, the counsellor basically told me that I had to make a choice between my marriage and my decision to breastfeed my daughter until she weaned on her own, which was having a negative effect on our sex life. He completely disregarded everything I told him about XAH's addiction or the abuse; I felt so utterly betrayed and disgusted.

Soon after, XAH and I separated.

Florence

God, bad and/or unskilled counselors are definitely out there. When you get a bad vibe, say what you're feeling (I really like the suggestion of saying, "I'm feeling like I'm getting run over and that I am not heard," as a general way of expressing this frustration), let the counselor try to correct the situation, and if it doesn't improve, find another one.

Counselors often have to try to win over both parties to get them invested in marital counseling, so one way might be to call you on one of your relationship weaknesses so you can take responsibility for it, so your RAH doesn't feel like he's being steamrolled. If this isn't the case, and if you've got a bad taste in your mouth after several sessions, GTFO. Bad counselors can make a situation worse, ESPECIALLY if your RAH has the counselor believing in his woe-is-me stories. Been there, done that, and it definitely wised me up to how low my ex could go.

MsGrace

We went to counseling for months prior to our divorce action. What I've realized, and was first brought to my attention by the book "Under the Influence") is that there is a giant gap regarding substance abuse treatment in the mental health community. This was crystal clear further, when he was admitted to a 6 week mental health rehab for "anxiety" and came away with total permission to use a half dozen psychotropic drugs. I believe that entire approach was exactly as stated in the book: a complete misunderstanding of the mechanisms and brain chemistry of the addict, and the mental health community just not understanding addiction, and misinformed on the issue.

The mental health approach made him much worst, rather than addressing the issues as addictive issues in the beginning.

My approach should have been only working with skilled addiction counselors...not generalists. I think it is a recipe for disaster, personally

mayalewiston

I had a similar experience when STBXAH and I were going through couples counseling a couple of years ago. We also spent the entire time focusing on my control issues, etc... I even remember the therapist asking me if I had a father, ex-boyfriend, etc who was an alcoholic as I think the therapist thought I had the issue and was projecting it on to STBXAH. I seriously felt like I was going to go insane so I stopped going. My AH was sooo good at making it seem like he was so cool and collected, and I just over-reacted to everything. Here we are 2+ years later - and his alcoholism is so much worse than I would have ever in my wildest dreams imagined at the time.

I think our therapist was a "couples" specialist, but not addiction specialist, which to everyone else's points, could have been part of the problem. If you feel like they aren't getting it after a few sessions, I would personally stop wasting $$ on it. All it started doing for me was pissing me off and allowing AH to think he had valid points!