totness00

My boyfriend of over 3 years and I are expecting a little boy in May, and since I have gotten pregnant my boyfriends drinking has gotten a lot worse. He is also very much so addicted to marijuana, his entire (no exaggeration) family smokes marijuana and/or drinks on a daily basis so he was raised to believe this is ok. He has always had a drinking problem, but once he moved out of his mothers (marijuana smoker and weekly drinker) he got a full time job and we were doing great. He drank every so often, but it would only be a beer after work on some nights or so. Shortly after we found out I am pregnant he lost his job, we then had to move back into our parents house, I refused to stay with him at his mothers due to the marijuana and cigarette smoke and all the drinking. And my mother and step father did not want him staying with them. He started hanging out with his old friends, men in their mid twenties who have no jobs, no care to get jobs, are high school drop outs and only care about smoking weed and drinking and majority of them are convicted felons (one robbed a store for beer) and since starting to hang out with these guys our relationship has been nearly torn to shreds. He literally would disappear for days at one point I filed a missing person report because I was so worried about him, his friends claimed they hadnt seen him...Turns out he was there and they were lying. He lies to me constantly, and gets mad at me when I confront him about the lies. He begs me to help him get money for his marijuana and drinking habit and I try to not give in. He refuses to get a job, he has not worked since October of last year and has had several job interviews, none of which he has showed up for. We ended up renting a basement from some people, I had hoped that maybe if he got away from those friends and that environment as before he would start doing better, that didnt happen. Turns out the house we moved into is somewhat of a party house. I love my boyfriend very much, and he has had a very rough life, he has admitted to having a drinking problem, and some days he wants help, and other days he dosnt care. At this point he is drinking at the least 5 days out of the week and smoking marijuana multiple times daily. He also calls me names and actually grabbed me so hard he bruised my arm. I want to leave him...but I am scared to...Scared of what might happen to him and scared of being alone. I threaten to leave him all the time. I have packed my bags so many times and walked out the door, and when he calls and begs and apologizes I believe it and go right back.

tabatha

I'm wondering what exactly is it about him you would miss? It certainly isn't the financial support or kindness or respect he gives you. He doesn't sound like he is ready to start being sober anytime soon as he is still hanging with the drinking buddies. Do you want to raise a child living with him the way he is? I would go to some alanon meetings quick to get an up front and personal idea as to what you would be in for. Being alone can be a far better life than living with an alcoholic. Everyone here could probably attest to that.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

When I first came here, I learned about the three C's of my loved ones addiction:

I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it

It took me a long time to accept that concept. I was so busy trying to prevent the next binge, keep the addict from getting stressed and turning angry, provide food and laundry services to keep him happy, keep bills paid and food in the house, and trying to love him into sobriety - that I was one hot mess!

Finally one day, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I gave the control of his alcoholism to him - the other adult in the relationship. I realized I was treating him like a 6 foot child and neglecting myself and our children in the process.

Letting go of his addiction allowed me to take better care of the only adult I had control over - myself.

I learned alot about my situation by reading and posting here at SR.

I hope you will stick around and let us offer you support and encouragement. You are important!

Pelican

You may find this helpful:

Stop listening to his words and look at his actions.

Addicts are skilled at manipulation. They know how to tell us what we want to hear.

EnglishGarden

Ask your mother if she will go to a weekly Al-Anon meeting with you. starting now. Your baby will be the child of an addict. Her grandson will be the child of an addict. You both need to go. Together you will learn what you both need to know as parent and grandparent of a little boy whose daddy is an addict.

Plan to live with your parents when the baby is born, Tots. Your bf will be of no help to you, and as someone who was once all alone with a little baby and no help, I speak to you with experience. It is very very hard to be all alone with a baby. Your bf is an addict and he will not keep any promises he makes about taking care of the baby. The baby will, in fact, be in danger with him.

Eat as well as you can and get out of that unhealthy house. You have a precious infant in your body who is already trying to survive.

The first three months after the baby's birth are the most exhausting. Stay with your mother and step-father. After that, you can decide about other things. Your life, your career, your relationship. But right now, safely birthing that child has to come before anything and anyone else in your life.

You are a mother now. Get out of the druggie house.

Katiekate

I agree completely with English Garden.

Your baby comes first, move in with your parents, let your child know what secruity and a loving enviornment is all about. You too will need lots of support and peace. A drunk and high bf will not allow you to enjoy any of it.

I guarentee you once you see that baby, all this other stuff will be just usless details. Having a baby will change everything for you.

The day you give birth , have your mom, or a good and trusted friend there with you, share that joy with everyone that appreciates it. You will be amazed at how strong and happy you will be the day you lay eyes on your child.

Make it the best it can be, you, your baby and your babies grandparents will experience such a joy , dont' let anyone spoil it.

Having a baby is a priviledge, your bf clearly does not appreciate that.

Take good care, Kate

dollydo

IMHO it always must be minor children first. The child has already inherited the gene that predisposes him to addiction and raising him in the home of an addict is very irresponsible at best. You are that childs future, do the right thing for him.

fourmaggie

I am a widow...my husband died at 30 and i was 33...life was getting good...i had a 10 mth old boy...Jonathan and was pregnant with my daughter, 16 weeks....LIFE WAS GOOD

he died...

i never knew how much strength and courage i had to DO THIS ON MY OWN...but i did and have, i celebrated my husband life last week, it was 10 years....my son is going on 11 and my daughter is 9!....

change is hard for EVERYONE, and we all have a path that only GOD knows....i am still discoverying mine...

u have choices..and the choice you make now is gonna change because of the little one...i did everything based on my kids and still do....i wonder what choices i have to raise healthy and normal kids....I am on an amazing ride with those kids...i have wonderful gifts!!

kiki5711

Responsibility! Bingo! He can't handle it, and he don't feel like trying either. It won't get better after the baby is born and life with a child becomes a nuisance to him

Cyranoak

Is he father material right now? Has he ever been father material? Would you trust somebody else's baby to him? Has he admitted he's an alcoholic/addict, become sober, and fully engaged with a recovery program?

Will he just create another alcoholic/addict out of your child, or will he nurture, support and provide opportunity for the most important thing he's ever contributed to making?

You know, right now, the true answer to every single one of those questions. You do. Can you be honest about the answers to yourself, not us, and make the right decision for you and your unborn child? Will you protect your baby, or contribute to giving your baby the life of his father and family?

Cyranoak

Florence

totness, I've been there and I know how overwhelming it is. It sounds like you're pretty young? Really lean on your reliable friends and family right now, find ways to pamper yourself, and take the load off as much as you can. Journal, go for walks if you can, and take a bath.

I also second this:
Don't bother with bringing your BF in the delivery room, either. Make this day and this experience ALL ABOUT YOU, your health, your mental health, and the birth of your baby.

It's been a few years since I was in your position, but there are a lot of resources for young moms online now. If you don't have any other young, single mom friends (MAKE SOME!), google "young mommy blogs" and become an active reader and participant. They trade resources and stories and frustrations constantly and it's a great network of resources.

nodaybut2day

If at all possible, don't put his name on the birth certificate. It'll save you some hassle later on. It's not like he's ever going to be able to give you child support, so you might as well have sole legal and physical custody.

CodeNameGiggles

I agree with what the others said. In addition, just repeat to yourself that it's far easier to be a single parent to an infant by yourself than a single parent to an infant in a relationship with an addict who expects to be the center of the world.

Thlayli

I was going to say something along these lines. You might also consider consulting an attorney. If the baby's father or his family want to be involved they have a legal right to. If you think it is not in the child's best interest you will need to find out what sort of evidence you might need to gain sole custody.

It probably varies from state to state, possibly even from judge to judge, but I know where I live it is hard to get all custody denied if the other parent wants it. Even people who repeatedly test dirty for use can keep many of their parental rights for a long time.

Florence

Absolutely true. And one nice thing about being a single parent is that you don't have to ask for anyone else's input every day, every step of the way. There are silver linings!

outtolunch

Forget about your hopeful fantasies of the man you want and need him to be and focus on the reality.

He's been doing a splendid job of destroying his own life . Do not allow him to destroy your life and that of your child. He is not competent to parent.

If you are the source of funding his beer and weed, stop it.

NOFX

Hi. If he'sleft bruises on you, what could he do to the baby when it's born.I'm an alchoholic,but I'm not violent(unless neccessary) .We're expecting our first baby in august(been together 17 years) ,but I didn't want to bring a baby into a gibbering wreck of a family.Can you talk to anyone about him(in confidence) ? You may be able to get some answers, as on here. Take care NOfX