hypochondriac

At what point did all the sober people out there start calling themselves a non-drinker...?

I'm a month sober and feel fine about it. I have been slightly isolating myself for the sake of recovery but am starting to venture out a bit more now. My friends know I'm not drinking (though not necessarily the reasons why) so I figured I wouldn't have to explain myself to them, just say I preferred being sober. But I found myself saying to someone that I'd only just met that I wasn't drinking...'at the moment'! It slipped out and I don't know why I just didn't say 'I don't drink'. Maybe it was because I haven't consolidated my answer to 'why?' or because I haven't completely accepted that I will not be drinking ever again, but I think it may have something to do with letting go of the image too. I've always been a bit of a tomboy and being a big drinker was part of that, and maybe secretly I think that people who don't drink are boring too. I suppose I have the choice of saying 'I drank too much and had to stop completely' or just not saying anything and letting people think what they like (actually people probably don't think about it at all and I'm probably over reacting). So... was there a point where you 'came out'? I'm a terrible liar so I may just have to be honest with everybody, including my family. But then this has been a private struggle, if not only because of the stigma attached to being an alcoholic.

I'd love to hear about how other people handled this

midgetcop

The first few weeks of my sobriety I also didn't venture out much, just to keep myself as safe as possible. My first few social outings were to my mother's house, which is where I used to do a LOT of drinking. I simply told family "I'm cutting out booze for a while", and no real questions were asked. Alcohol is a pretty widespread problem in my family, so by now I'm pretty sure they know where I'm coming from, and know it's a necessary thing for me to do.

At other social events with friends, I've (quite truthfully) made it known that I had something important to do the next day, so I'm not drinking anything. Again, no real questions asked and nothing pushed onto me. I really noticed that my friends don't drink all that much anyway, so it's not like it was majorly in my face the whole evening.

I don't really have a strategy for the future. I don't really know if I'll ever made it be known that I'm now a non-drinker. Other than close family, it's not really anyone's business unless I want it to be.

stillsleeping

Hey hun,

I'm going for a range. Telling my colleagues I've 'cut down for a bit' (they don't need to know right now) my dad I 'don't fancy one tonight' (it would only worry him, and it can wait) my brother and two best friends that I'm in recovery (they gave me exactly the support I needed and were amazing) and my H the truth and the whole truth about it all. And you guys? Well, you get both barrels, straight from the heart.

I don't feel like I'm letting the side down by being selective about who I share with. After my marriage, this is the most personal and massive thing I've ever done. Maybe the most I'll ever do.

You said you'd just met this person? Why the hell would you feel the need to tell them anything?

It's your life - I'd say do what makes sense for you, especially in something as delicate and complicated as this...

..."it's your life; this is what I think you should do"...Ha. Blo*dy teachers

2granddaughters

It's far less of a stigma than being a slobbering fall-down drunk.
I never minded who saw me coming out of the pub but heaven help me if they saw me coming out of an AA meeting ??!! ....

I, too, snuck up on the truth but it became a reality that I couldn't deny, too myself or others.
Today I don't really care what others think and I will tell anyone about AA if they ask. Who knows, I might save a life along the way.

Big Birthday hug on your 1 month Anniversary !!

Bob R

IndaMiricale

Well done on the month

I came clean to family and fellowship right away , not like the family didnt know they were just so happy for me trying to do something about it. They knew that all they could do is pray and hope. Its up to us to do it.

Others I dont bother telling them anything. I guess it just depends , any event its not a big deal to me. Like others will say the things we thought no one noticed while drinking are way worse than any thing sober.

hypochondriac

This is an excellent point Bob!

Come to think of it, the person who asked if I didn't drink was a big drinker himself. It may be that the only people who are remotely interested in my drinking habits are people who drink too much themselves. Therefore a bit of honesty about my struggles can't be a bad thing. I'd hate to be one of those people who 'appears' to have been able to give up drinking easily and makes other people feel like there's something wrong with them because they're struggling.

I feel a sober pride parade coming on

awuh1

Interesting that the phrase “at the moment” “slipped” out. Even more interesting that it caught your attention. Strictly speaking, what you said is a true statement.

There are a couple different ways to look at it. First, it may have surprised you because it is your firm intention never to drink. Phrasing it that way would seem to leave open the possibility that you might drink in the future. I don’t want to psycho babble at you but consider this.

We all have thoughts that are unconscious, and, we are largely unconscious of our unconscious. Sometimes these thoughts “slip out” and expose a more unconscious level of our thinking. Face it. When you have poured alcohol into your body year after year your body has become accustomed to it. Even more than accustomed to it, it looks forward to it. In early sobriety thoughts spring up purely from that biological need. There is a conflict taking place between higher (more conscious, “I’m not going to drink”) brain functions and lower (more unconscious, “come on one won’t hurt ya”) type thinking. AA calls these lower more primitive thoughts "stinkin thinkin", AVRT calls it "the beast". The point is, when people quit drinking they have both a motivation to quit and a motivation not to quit. What “slipped” out was a part of your unconscious thought process.

I think what happens to most alcoholics is that after a long period of time without drinking their “identity” changes. They think of themselves differently. Not drinking is what they “do”. There is less desire to drink and less to “slip” out. Right now it’s probably a little hard to think of yourself as a non-drinker,…… naturally, you have not had much of a chance to be one.

Somewhat later in sobriety you may find that the urges to drink are more often situational (psychological) or spiritual in nature. This is where AA can help enormously.

In any event, may all your future parapraxis be pleasurable.

Spawn

Honesty is the only way to go.

I wasted too much energy on worrying about what others think. What matters is what I think......I'm a recovering alcoholic and I'm totally cool with it...if others can't accept it that's cool too.

You'll find some will support you and some won't.......this should tell you who your real friends are!


Be true

freshstart57

I've found that most people don't really care if I drink or not now. I can and have said the following:

• Not right now, thanks
• Maybe in a while
• I am on antibiotics
• I have a big day tomorrow
• Sure! Make mine a ginger ale, please.
• I'm driving
• Or even - No thank you.

I haven't been pushed for more information, yet, but if I were I'd likely say that I don't touch the stuff.

Every parapraxis can be a Freudian slip, so be careful.

Anna

I never did 'come out'.

I lied the first time I went out and made an excuse about being on antibiotics or some nonsense. It felt terrible.

So, from then on, I just say 'No, thanks'. Remember, you don't owe anyone an explanation.

eJoshua

I don't want to sabotage you at all... but I used to say that all the time "I'm not drinking right now", every time I tried to quit, shortly before relapsing. I think subconsciously I said it because I hadn't accepted the fact I didn't drink any longer, not because I was afraid of what people might think of me.

Identifying yourself as a non-drinker can actually be quite a liberating experience. Having someone offer you a drink and saying "no thanks, I don't drink" without qualification makes your sobriety stronger every time you say it.

Having said that, you don't have to tell everyone you meet the story of your life "I'm not drinking right now because I had a problem with drinking and.. er.. thought I'd be better sober and.. uh.. I think I'm an alcoholic.." etc. Just saying "I don't drink" or "No thanks" is really all you have do and frankly most people don't want to hear the rest.

hypochondriac

Thanks for your responses! I'm going to pay close attention to any other Freudian slips I may have. It is only early days for me so I hope these slips are a matter of adjusting and not a precursor to relapse...

totfit

I just tell folks that I am not opposed to drinking, but that it just doesn't agree with me and makes me anxious instead of relaxed. All true.